July 2017
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discussing w Topaz my recent upsetness / finally progressing, processing old stuff / heaviness ahead


The realization about magic and fatness happened this weekend at the end of a long day, and Topaz listened as I talked it out. I cried the whole time and had difficulty with words, because it was a new realization that I didn't have in my conscious fully. Then we went to try and see meteors (an hour later than Topaz wanted) and Topaz had no luck and was really crushed about it, we were both utterly wiped and went to sleep, woke up to finish the conversation. Topaz was hurt because ze felt like I didn't trust zir to see me fully, and I explained that it wasn't that, but just an expression of my feelings on a broad scale, and I do trust zir. We talked about the disappointment of the night and how Topaz wanted to relax, and having a clash was exhausting. I felt torn because Topaz wants to be there for me when I am upset, but I might be upset more often than ze can handle, and ze has a stressful life and needs to be able to take joy when it comes around, and not take on every negative thing that pops up. I am okay going off and dealing with it by myself for the most part, but that would make Topaz sad, so it's like well, stress Topaz out in this way or the other? There's no best option. And we'd gotten so raw, and had so little true relaxation, that we were reacting really defensively to each other and having a hard time taking things calmly. I felt like there was some stuck bit that was making everything twice as hard as it should be. Topaz started talking about the past few weeks, referencing a pattern that I did not see of me being upset a lot. I say it is not a pattern because while I have been pretty emotional a few times this month, I feel it has been in proportion to the causes, and I've been handling things in a very productive way. Like my parents coming in town -- I was upset by that, but I processed it and because of that, my tribe is starting to come together in a way it never has before. And I had an intense crash over the lack of hope for a better world, from which I realized I need to make more spiritual movement in my life, which lead to a really intense and wonderful spiritual experience. And this latest realization is something that affects my sense of self in a huge way and I feel when I finish processing it I will be much better off.

As I was thinking out loud about this I realized that the stuff that has been coming up this month is not new -- especially not the belonging/tribe thing -- but that for at least two years I simply haven't had whatever it took to deal with old or overlooked shit. I feel like I'm in a period of upheaval and transition but it is a good kind, where I feel satisfied and accomplished afterward, not the bad kind where I feel worse and less able to cope after. When I said this to Topaz I could feel a wave of relief wash out from zir and ze hugged me. I asked if ze had been afraid that I was getting depressed again and ze said yes, that it hadn't seemed quite true but ze didn't have any other explanation for the recent upsetnesses. Ze said this fear had made it much harder to handle when I was upset. (and I think zir migraines made it all kind of blend together and seem larger because of dropped in-between memories)

So, let me just say, I think this will probably mean that a lot of my entries are going to be self-reflective and perhaps sad or upset, for a while. I noticed that I've been feeling a bit guilty when I process difficult or upsetting things without useful or happy things in between and I'm pushing back against that. I may be repetitive, I may seem complainy; if you want to unfriend I won't mind. If you choose to stay, let me feel how I'm feeling (don't try to cheer me up); I'm very good at working my way through without pushes.


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classical_wolf ══╣╠══
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justben ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.