June 2017
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the Belenen survey, updated to be even more gloriously nosy and thought-provoking
Please comment with your answers! Do 'em all or pick and choose. All comments are screened but I will unscreen unless you ask for them to stay private.

Note: most people have to split their survey into multiple comments because of LJ's character limit. And actually, if it doesn't take you at least 2 comments, ur doin it rong.

01. what is the name you go by among friends? is it self-chosen or was it given by someone else?
02. what's the story behind your username?
03. age and sign of the zodiac (sun, rising, and moon if you know them):
04. what are your self-labels?
05. around which core values do you structure your morality?
06. what makes you cry actual tears of joy? what makes you cry actual tears of sorrow?
07. what qualities are you currently working on developing in yourself?
08. do you consider yourself anti-prejudice and anti-oppression? if so, in what ways do you help to create equality in the world?
09. If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be?
10. have you changed gender and/or sex? That is, did you once consider yourself a gender and/or sex that you no longer identify with?
11. Describe your sexuality: whether or not you like sex, how you like to have sex, what your best sexual experiences have been like, the elements that need to be present for you to enjoy sex, etc.
12. what's your preferred relationship structure: monogamous, polyamorous, polyfidelitous, other? Do you have/want (a) marriage-type life partner(s)?
13. how do you feel about fat? that is, how do you feel about the fat of your body and the fat of others' bodies?
14. how do you feel about 'little white lies'?
15. Who are the people you choose to spend the most time with/for, and why do they matter to you?
16. how do you feel about nudity (do you like being nude / being around others who are nude)?
17. how often do you push yourself to share thoughts and feelings that make you vulnerable to others?
18. do you often cuddle with friends (not just lovers) or would you if you had cuddly friends?
19. are you concerned with how humans treat the earth (and its creatures)? if so, what do you do to protect/restore it?
20. do you have a strong affinity with any particular part of the earth (a certain type of animal, plant, water body, landscape, and/or a particular place)?
21. do you consider yourself a spiritual person? if so, in what ways do you express this? do you worship, pray, do ritual, meditate, other? do you have a deity(-ies)? do you identify with a particular religion?
22. what do you believe about the parts of a person? are we just mind and body or is there more? if you believe in more, what do you call it?
23. where do you plan to spend most of your life? do you like to travel?
24. what sort of creative things do you like to do?
25. if someone made a deluxe action figure based on you, what 3 props and 3 outfits would they have? also, what would the deluxe playset look like?
26. if you could know everything about one subject, what would it be?
27. if you didn't need to earn money and you could have free training in anything as long as you were willing to give the time, what would you want to do with your life?
28. do you read for fun? if so, what're your favorite genre(s), favorite author(s) and favorite book(s)?
29. favorite color (be specific -- not just green, mint or lime or emerald):
30. favorite musical genre(s) / artists:
31. favorite movie(s) / show(s):
32. what activities make it easiest for you to connect with other people in a deep and intimate way?
33. Sum up your life philosophy in 8 words or less!
bonus: why do you read my journal (or, if you're new, what drew you to my journal)?

For copy-paste ease:


If you want to re-post this, that's fine, but please comment me a link so I can read your answers!

People who've done it in comments:
[1] kiwi, classical_wolf, volamonster, lifeofmendel, bunnika, lilywolfsolomon,
[2] callmebee, adi_stroyer, hands_cupped, ravensong, slinkslowdown
in links:
http://queerbychoice.livejournal.com/705985.html
http://blimeyzawn1.livejournal.com/265451.html


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Comments
Can I just post my answers in my journal? :)
belenen adoring
yes! please comment me the link so I can easily find it later (I don't like to ask people to repeat themselves but I have a terrible memory).
I'd like to do this too, if that's okay. :)
belenen garrulous
yes of course ;-)
belenen adoring
Re: Q.26-end - I request these be kept private.
5. I like your list of core values <3
7. self-trust is a hard one, I'm working on that too.
8. I think that is an excellent and very important method. If people are pushed to think more about the words they use then that can plant a seed that results in them trying to unlearn stereotypes. I wish all people would do that.
9. understanding is a great one! It allows for growth while also making it less easy to maintain evil.
11. I also find it difficult to be present, and yet I feel bad afterward if I'm not. I also just realized that I've been working on this by myself and I can ask my partner to help by checking in more. thanks <3
You need never apologize for length to me! the more the better :D
13. I am relieved that you said IF this is true because as a fat person who has pretty perfect cholesterol, blood pressure, etc, and knowing many people who have gone to a doctor with better health than mine and still been told that they must lose weight 'for their health,' I feel burnt out on that.
14. I think you made a kind choice. I think I would have said, "I already complimented your kid, why are you pushing me to use your words?" but then I don't mind confrontation ;-)
15. I am happy for you about your spouse! It's so lovely to see a married couple where it hasn't gone to shit (sad laugh). Also happy that your biofamily is good to you! I'm curious about your 3 closest friends, do you mention them by name? I am very bad with names most of the time.
17. That does sound exhausting, but I am glad that you share <3
19. this whole answer made me soooo happy :D
21. That is so fascinating, I've never heard anyone describe their spirituality as fluid before. I love that as a thought. Mine is kinda fluid, but like a splatter, not like a stream ;-)
23. I would love to visit or have you visit sometime!
24. ah, glass... one day I hope to have the money for the materials to do that.
26. That's an awesome answer. I agree with your love of learning forever, but if I could have all the knowledge on one subject, it'd be a foundational subject, like programming, so that I could go ahead and make things right away.
27. oh yay! very good to do for a living what you would like to do for free.
28. This is the second time Sherman Alexie has been mentioned to me! Another of my LJ friends lives in CA and likes them. I think you'd get along actually but I feel wary about suggestions after the recent fail, heh.
This makes me happy! Thanks for all your answers. Do you want me to screen this reply?
classical_wolf Alex Vause - Look
the Belenen survey

01. what is the name you go by among friends? is it self-chosen or was it given by someone else? I go by Rebecca. Or Rex. My friend Kyle started calling me Rex when we were first discussing my thoughts on gender identity and my being outside the binary.

02. what's the story behind your username? I love classical music, my main instrument is violin, and a dear friend of mine and I are quite partial to wolves. I had a
wolf plushie back when she and I were dating long distance.

03. age and sign of the zodiac (sun, rising, and moon if you know them): 27 – Virgo.

04. what are your self-labels? Self labels? Hmm. I’m not sure if I’m answering this right, but I’d say: Queer, Feminist, BBW, Nerd, Geek, Dork, Woman with tattoos, and there’s probably more. I was going to say “Dyke”, in quotes, because I know I’m not a lesbian, but oddly enough, “Dyke” fits me, purely because of how it rolls of the tongue.

05. around which core values do you structure your morality? I have a definite sense of black and white. That said, I’m not as much of a stickler – or “good two-shoes” as I used to be. As long as someone doesn’t engage in behavior which will land them in jail, I’m generally fine.

06. what makes you cry actual tears of joy? what makes you cry actual tears of sorrow? My husband makes me laugh – so much that I’ve cried. As for sorrow, it’s been a long time since I’ve cried that way. I hate to admit it, but my Mother’s disapproval would probably cause me tears of sorrow. That being said, if she knew half of what I enjoy/partake in, she’d have a heart attack.

07. what qualities are you currently working on developing in yourself? My sense of self. Since I’ve gotten married over the past year, I feel like I’ve really stepped outside of who I was, and I’m doing things for me. I know that might seem contradictory regarding a statement in question #6.

08. do you consider yourself anti-prejudice and anti-oppression? if so, in what ways do you help to create equality in the world? I volunteer at my local GLBTQ center. I used to intern there in 2007.

09. If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be? 1. Money to pay my student loans. I’m not sure of the other two wishes right now. I will say that #2 (at this very moment) would be money for even more tattoos.

10. have you changed gender and/or sex? That is, did you once consider yourself a gender and/or sex that you no longer identify with? My gender identity has changed. I was female. Then FtM in 2009. Then back to female in 2010. Now I’m just genderqueer. I can’t really elaborate more on why FtM didn’t work for me, but I just wasn’t happy. It wasn’t the right fit.

11. Describe your sexuality: whether or not you like sex, how you like to have sex, what your best sexual experiences have been like, the elements that need to be present for you to enjoy sex, etc. I’m queer, and I love sex. I’d say the best sexual experiences have honestly been with my husband because we’ve explored BDSM both in and out of the bedroom, and, IMO, he often engages in body worship with me.

12. what's your preferred relationship structure: monogamous, polyamorous, polyfidelitous, other? Do you have/want (a) marriage-type life partner(s)? I’m monogamous. That being said, I feel like I could possibly engage in a polyamorous relationship with the right partners.

13. how do you feel about fat? that is, how do you feel about the fat of your body and the fat of others' bodies? I’m fat and I love it, honestly. I never thought I’d love my body as much as I do at it’s present state/weight, but I much prefer it to my 120 HS days.

14. how do you feel about 'little white lies'? I feel like it *depends* on the white lie. It depends on the topic and the people involved.
classical_wolf Alex Vause - Glasses
15. Who are the people you choose to spend the most time with/for, and why do they matter to you? My husband, and my close friends. That said, lately, I feel like I get along better with those who are LGBTQ.

16. how do you feel about nudity (do you like being nude / being around others who are nude)? Funny that this is a question, because I feel most comfortable about myself when I am nude. I don’t have a lot of experience around those who have been nude or who are nudists, but it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

17. how often do you push yourself to share thoughts and feelings that make you vulnerable to others? Daily. It’s why I journal.

18. do you often cuddle with friends (not just lovers) or would you if you had cuddly friends? I love to cuddle friends. I don’t get to cuddle friends at this time, purely based on my friends and their comfort with cuddling. The closest I’ve gotten are long hugs.

19. are you concerned with how humans treat the earth (and its creatures)? if so, what do you do to protect/restore it? I wish I did more, but I’ve always been active in recycling.

20. do you have a strong affinity with any particular part of the earth (a certain type of animal, plant, water body, landscape, and/or a particular place)? I have had connections with other animals, and truthfully, I’ve had multiple fursonas. I’ve been a part of the furry fandom for many years, but my fursona has changed. Initially, I was drawn to Orcas, and that changed from Wolves, to Felines and Foxes.

21. do you consider yourself a spiritual person? if so, in what ways do you express this? do you worship, pray, do ritual, meditate, other? do you have a deity(-ies)? do you identify with a particular religion? I’m not spiritual, but I’ve done some reading about crystals and their healing powers.

22. what do you believe about the parts of a person? are we just mind and body or is there more? if you believe in more, what do you call it? I do feel like there is *more*, but I’m not sure what it’s called, TBH.

23. where do you plan to spend most of your life? do you like to travel? I love to travel. I’ve only ever been to Canada in regards to traveling abroad, but I’d love to visit Europe.

24. what sort of creative things do you like to do? I’m trying to get back to playing the violin. I played from ages 8-17 and then again for a small while when I was 22. Other than that, I mess around with MIDI files of classical works and I try to make interesting musical arrangements.

25. if someone made a deluxe action figure based on you, what 3 props and 3 outfits would they have? also, what would the deluxe playset look like? Outfits, jeans, tshirts, sneakers, but lots of tattoos. I might also want a pageboy’s cap, because I love those.
classical_wolf Alex Vause - Look
26. if you could know everything about one subject, what would it be? Classical music. And sociology. I studied sociology and psychology in undergrad. I’ve thought (and then tossed it aside) about going back for a PhD in Sociology even though my Masters was in a branch of counseling (Psychology) specific to disabilities and vocational planning. I’m quite a nerd.

27. if you didn't need to earn money, what would you want to do with your life? I’d want to create music and help animals.

28. do you read for fun? if so, what're your favorite genre(s), favorite author(s) and favorite book(s)? I don’t get a chance to read as much as I’d like to, but I’ve been reading a lot of body-positive and female-masculinity based books 

29. favorite color (be specific -- not just green, mint or lime or emerald): Burgundy or Silver.

30. favorite musical genre(s) / artists: Classical music re-arranged. Artists: Bond, Barrage, Vanessa Mae, etc.

31. favorite movie(s) / show(s)? Harry Potter, Law and Order SVU, OITNB, The Big Bang Theory, Top Chef, Project Runway, 30 Rock, Breaking Bad, 3rd Rock from the Sun.

32. what activities make it easiest for you to connect with other people in a deep and intimate way? Cuddling, or journaling.

33. Sum up your life philosophy in 8 words or less! “No day but today”. “No more wasted time”.

bonus: why do you read my journal (or, if you're new, what drew you to my journal)? I read your journal because of your positive outlook, but also because of your thoughts on gender, sexual orientation, and being size-positive.


classical_wolf House baffled
I suck at talking about myself. :/
I want to read your answers!! Commenting again to post mine.
i'll do all of this eventually. not right now because it's 4am, but i'm not quite ready to sleep yet, so here's a few to get started:

the Belenen survey

01. what is the name you go by among friends? is it self-chosen or was it given by someone else? Mendel. it's my birth name. when i was younger i hated it. now i really like it.

02. what's the story behind your username? when i first created this journal in 2002ish, i created the username "darknote" for my lj. at some point a few years ago i paid the money to get a name change because darknote wasn't relevant for me anymore. details on that here: http://lifeofmendel.livejournal.com/796858.html

09. If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be? a very long time ago i stopped wishing for things. i never wish upon a star or throw pennies into a fountain or any of that. the original reason why is a long story. the reason now is that i find it more important to focus on what it is that i can do and what i will do rather than what i could do or what i can't do but still want.

13. how do you feel about fat? that is, how do you feel about the fat of your body and the fat of others' bodies? in general i celebrate diversity of body types. i don't think that obesity is healthy, but i think society these days takes being slightly overweight way too seriously.

24. what sort of creative things do you like to do? my career is in music. that's what i'm focusing a lot of my creative energy in now. my actual work is with marching band stuff, but i also do my own projects on the side as a composer. my current project is creating an octophonic-sound system piece where the sounds are controlled by the LEAP motion controller. i'm doing the programming side of that right now. hopefully i'll finish that by the end of the summer, then i have to work on a paying commission for a wind ensemble piece for a group out in california. it's all awesome stuff, but it keeps me super busy.

26. if you could know everything about one subject, what would it be? poker.

27. if you didn't need to earn money, what would you want to do with your life? i'm doing what i want in life. i feel fortunate about it. anything i don't have falls into that wish category that i don't do much of.

28. do you read for fun? if so, what're your favorite genre(s), favorite author(s) and favorite book(s)? the things i read most are jim butcher, steven brust, poker books by 2+2 publishing, and my friends feed.

31. favorite movie(s) / show(s)? firefly. memento. upstream color. primer. archer.

i'll revise/do the whole thing later and probably post it in my journal. not any time in the next few days, my obsession with the programming i'm doing is taking an extra 5 or so hours out of my day these days on top of my full time job, so this will probably be a weekend project. :)

bunnika bunny: reach
the Belenen survey

01. what is the name you go by among friends? is it self-chosen or was it given by someone else? Anika, and I chose it myself. Been legal and official for over seven years now.
02. what's the story behind your username? Just a combination of my nickname (Bunny) and my legal name (Anika). This is important primarily for pronunciation, because people who mispronounce “Anika” think my username is pronounced “bun-EE-kuh” instead of “BUN-i-kuh.”
03. age and sign of the zodiac (sun, rising, and moon if you know them): 30, Capricorn in the Aquarius cusp, Cancer moon
04. what are your self-labels? I just answered this so I’m gonna be lazy. :-P
05. around which core values do you structure your morality? Yup gonna keep doin’ this.
06. what makes you cry actual tears of joy? what makes you cry actual tears of sorrow? Mostly deeply personal things, for both responses. I’ll sometimes cry either during rituals, depending on what sort of energy/response I’m getting. I can be sappy and cry during stories like “look at this happy rescued animal” sort of thing. Inspiration porn can make me cry angry tears. I cry a lot lately over not being able to conceive, that’s definitely sorrow. But I’ve cried happy tears over being a mom already. I’ve cried joyful tears when in Nature, alone and feeling that connection that makes me feel so not alone. I cry sorrowful tears when Nature is thoughtlessly destroyed. Really, I cry fairly easily, so it’s hard to encapsulate everything.
07. what qualities are you currently working on developing in yourself? Patience is probably the big one. I’m not a very patient person, but there is so much going on in my life right now that is just a waiting game, it’s sort of exhausting. I was just talking this morning about my chances at teacher certification, which I won’t know about for another 12 weeks. I’m waiting to hear back from schools, waiting to hear about a job, waiting to get pregnant, waiting waiting waiting and it’s driving me up the fucking wall.
08. do you consider yourself anti-prejudice and anti-oppression? if so, in what ways do you help to create equality in the world? Yes, though I know I don’t do “enough” to be viewed that way by some people. Most of what I do is talk. I call out prejudiced behavior when I see it, and talk about ways we can challenge it, prevent it, fix it. My words are my best weapon, and so I use them as best I can. I’ve been told that I’m not making a difference because I’m not out there marching on Washington (an ableist suggestion, btw) but I’ve had plenty of people tell me my words have changed their outlook, and that means a lot.
09. If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be? And again.
10. have you changed gender and/or sex? That is, did you once consider yourself a gender and/or sex that you no longer identify with? Just gonna link the tag because it’s not like you don’t know this already.
11. Describe your sexuality: whether or not you like sex, how you like to have sex, what your best sexual experiences have been like, the elements that need to be present for you to enjoy sex, etc. Thiiiiis is honestly sort of a triggering question for me, so I’m gonna leave it blank and maybe write an entry that I can keep friends-locked and not feel so nervous about.
12. what's your preferred relationship structure: monogamous, polyamorous, polyfidelitous, other? Do you have/want (a) marriage-type life partner(s)? I don’t think I have a personal preference, but I’m monogamous in my relationship now. I’m definitely the type who likes long-term family and marriage.
13. how do you feel about fat? that is, how do you feel about the fat of your body and the fat of others' bodies? Fat-positive!
14. how do you feel about 'little white lies'? I really don’t like lies at all, little white or otherwise.
bunnika bunny: reach
15. Who are the people you choose to spend the most time with/for, and why do they matter to you? My partner and my daughter. They’re the most supportive, loving, honest people in my life, and I love them more than the world.
16. how do you feel about nudity (do you like being nude / being around others who are nude)? Honestly, since the rape, my own nudity makes me nervous in a lot of contexts. It makes me feel vulnerable. I haven’t really had circumstance to explore my feelings on the nudity of others.
17. how often do you push yourself to share thoughts and feelings that make you vulnerable to others? Often. I share pretty much all my thoughts on my LJ, which allows me a platform to share them with my partner with less anxiety. I’m no good at keeping things to myself, I always want to talk everything out.
18. do you often cuddle with friends (not just lovers) or would you if you had cuddly friends? I honestly don’t know anymore. I don’t have any nearby cuddly friends, so it’s not something that comes up. I’m nervous about physical touch in a way I didn’t use to be (again, this cycles back to sexual violence) so I’m not 100% sure how I’d handle it.
19. are you concerned with how humans treat the earth (and its creatures)? if so, what do you do to protect/restore it? I am, but I honestly do precious little. :-( We bought a gas-efficient car, and are religious recyclers (the school I work at doesn’t recycle, so I bring all my papers home with me), but I can’t even afford to buy organic produce. :-(
20. do you have a strong affinity with any particular part of the earth (a certain type of animal, plant, water body, landscape, and/or a particular place)? Several! I have a love/fear relationship with water, because drowning is actually one of my deepest fears, but I still love the water in all its forms, from oceans to lakes to rivers. Can’t keep me away, afraid or not. I have an intense passion for trees, all trees, though old growth are so stunning to me. (Meeting the redwoods was magical.) I have a particular affinity for Brunswick fig trees because I grew one myself from a clipping brought back from Sicily, and I developed a very deep bond with that tree. (It was mutilated several times and eventually torn from the earth, because people are cruel. It still makes me cry if I think on it too much.) As far as animals go, I have a love for bunnies because they’re so happy and free. Something about a binky is just full of life and laughter to me. I have a connection with sharks because I deeply respect how evolutionarily perfect they are, how they’ve survived so much for so many millenia.
21. do you consider yourself a spiritual person? if so, in what ways do you express this? do you worship, pray, do ritual, meditate, other? do you have a deity(-ies)? do you identify with a particular religion? linky linky.
22. what do you believe about the parts of a person? are we just mind and body or is there more? if you believe in more, what do you call it? and again.
23. where do you plan to spend most of your life? do you like to travel? I love travel, though I don’t get to do as much of it as I’d like. (Due to finances and the logistics of traveling with a child.) I don’t yet know where I want to spend most of my life. Distinctly not here, that’s for sure. I want to start someplace fresh. I want it to be warm and have natural features that put me in awe.
24. what sort of creative things do you like to do? Crochet, make jewelry, I used to like drawing and painting, but feel as if my talents have withered, so I haven’t really done anything like that in a long time (though it’s something I’d like to change).
bunnika bunny: reach
25. if someone made a deluxe action figure based on you, what 3 props and 3 outfits would they have? also, what would the deluxe playset look like? yup.
26. if you could know everything about one subject, what would it be? Just did this one.
27. if you didn't need to earn money, what would you want to do with your life? I’d definitely go to school a lot. I don’t ever want to be finished learning. I think largely, I’d be happy just being a mom and taking care of my household. It’d give me plenty of time for cooking and baking, which would make me enormously happy. I’d be able to set aside time for myself to be in Nature, alone, which would be huge for me.
28. do you read for fun? if so, what're your favorite genre(s), favorite author(s) and favorite book(s)? I do, though not much lately (been on a self-help book kick). I tend to like thrillers and horror the best, though I read a wide breadth of genres. For trashy books, I love the Agent Pendergast books by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. Hardly great literature, but so much fun. I’ve always had Alexandre Dumas as a favorite, but it’s been ages since I read any. I really love the classics, and enjoy Shakespeare (my favorite being Macbeth) and Poe (my favorite being The Masque of the Red Death). I’ve got oodles of books around here right now that I can’t wait to crack into, but I’ve got therapy assignments I need to get through first.
29. favorite color (be specific -- not just green, mint or lime or emerald): Bright, sunshiney orange. Orange so bright it’s almost golden but not. I also love purple, toward the violet spectrum (again, especially bright) and vibrant teal (not quite turquoise, darker than that). I also love them in combo, orange with purple and purple with teal.
30. favorite musical genre(s) / artists: I sort of hate listing genres (because I don’t think about them much, and just listen to whatever), but my favorite artists are Florence and the Machine, Queen, and Depeche Mode.
31. favorite movie(s) / show(s)? Movies: Stranger Than Fiction, Event Horizon, Eternal Sunshine, so many more but I suck at thinking of them when prompted. TV: Hannibal, Revenge, Once Upon a Time, Community, Parks & Rec, Supernatural, Grimm, Xena, Battlestar Galactica, Chuck, Fullmetal Alchemist and bunches more but that’s already too long. I watch lots and lots of TV.
32. what activities make it easiest for you to connect with other people in a deep and intimate way? I don’t think I really have many activities that allow me to connect intimately with people. I’m a big fan of shared leisure time, whether that means gaming together, or reading together, or shopping together, but I find just sitting and talking with people to be the best way to connect. It’s why I really like sharing meals with people, because you’re doing something you enjoy with someone else, but it’s not so distracting that you can’t enjoy good conversation.
33. Sum up your life philosophy in 8 words or less! Live fully, laugh loudly, and love hard.
bonus: why do you read my journal (or, if you're new, what drew you to my journal)? Because I love you and want to know you as well as I can.
1-10
There are times I have more trouble with words. I wanted to do this survey but my energy is low and words feel uninspired right now. And my fear is that I'm not going to say anything right, or the way I would say it if I was more connected with my essence... but I'll try to just let that go, and see what comes.

01. what is the name you go by among friends? is it self-chosen or was it given by someone else?
Mostly Lily and various variations of it (Tiger Lily, Lily Wolf, Lillers, Lillum, Trillium, etc.) It was sort of self-chosen, I'd say more divine-chosen, symbolizing abundance ("consider the lilies"), playfulness, qualities that I wanted to cultivate. It was originally my name for the divine I wrote to in my journal -- "dear Lily" -- and synchronicity led to the realization that it was a name for me.

02. what's the story behind your username?

When I want to start a new Live Journal I don't like waiting for the right name to come to me, so there's really no story behind this one. Other names that I've used have been earthsong and coloursofmyhome (the latter from a song on a theme album about Lord of the Rings that really resonated with me, the chorus: "I went to face disaster for the colours of my home...")

03. age and sign of the zodiac (sun, rising, and moon if you know them):

31 and Sagittarius, rising/moon Capricorn I think which I have a difficult relationship with, to say the least.

04. what are your self-labels?
I'm not such a fan of labels and despite that I guess I use them more than my fair share. As soon as I attach myself too much to any label I start rebelling against it. From my OK Cupid profile: "Queer, kinky, switch, genderqueer/trans, pagan-ish, shamanic, anarchist, geeky, empathic, sex-positive, body-positive, femininity-positive feminist, race/gender activist, consent advocate, spiritual, critic of dominant culture colonialism and oppression, poly-ish, label-questioning, soulmate-seeking sensual hopeful romantic Jewish-Christian-Mulsim-Buddhist pagan girlboy who is a bundle of awesome contradictions."

05. around which core values do you structure your morality?

They shift with time and with intuition about what is right in a given situation. I seem to have a gut sense of when a solution is *not* right or when something better is possible and I don't stop thinking and looking at how things affect everyone. Love, beauty, justice/equity... empathy. Also I'm very sensitive to, 'is there a double standard here?'

06. what makes you cry actual tears of joy? what makes you cry actual tears of sorrow?

Tears of joy, stories of people building bridges and coming together against the odds... sorrow, stories of broken hearts, of animals being hurt...

07. what qualities are you currently working on developing in yourself?

At the moment, courage, I suppose... to go out and do things with my life when I'm terrified! Standing my ground on this earth and claiming my right to be here.

08. do you consider yourself anti-prejudice and anti-oppression? if so, in what ways do you help to create equality in the world?

Until fairly recently it all seemed so overwhelming I had no idea what sorts of concrete things I could actually do. And it gets overwhelming wanting to do e verything. I think the biggest thing that is core to me is 'creating space for belonging,' encouraging people who tend to be silenced to realize their power. I hope I can point people to some of the beauty in the world. Looking at the ways that systems create inequity and oppression and challenging them in whatever small ways I can in my life.

09. If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be?

That we find ways to heal and respect each other and create the beautiful world(s) that are possible.

That endangered ecosystems find their way back to resiliency.

That I find the love I've always dreamed of...

10. have you changed gender and/or sex? That is, did you once consider yourself a gender and/or sex that you no longer identify with?

I once considered myself a gender that I thought I was 'supposed to' identify with simply because no one ever showed me that I could choose my own life and story in more radical ways.
11-15
11. Describe your sexuality: whether or not you like sex, how you like to have sex, what your best sexual experiences have been like, the elements that need to be present for you to enjoy sex, etc.

It's a creative exploration. My best sexual experiences involve intense eye-to-eye contact. Safety, caring, and appreciation need to be present for me to enjoy sex.

12. what's your preferred relationship structure: monogamous, polyamorous, polyfidelitous, other? Do you have/want (a) marriage-type life partner(s)?
Relationship anarchist might be a somewhat better word for it. I do want *a* relationship that's radical in the attention and care and love and work that's put into it, with someone I feel grounded with and move through life with, and I want there to be a mutual desire to cultivate the best and most magical relationship we possibly can... but I don't want that to mean that the way I interact with others is limited. It's hard because none of these options quite fits me. In the past my closest relationships have been monogamous so I'm really scared that I might not find the kind of relationship that works for me...

13. how do you feel about fat? that is, how do you feel about the fat of your body and the fat of others' bodies?

On others' bodies, I often simply adore it. I sometimes envy it. I celebrate it. And it's awesome for cuddling. On my body, it's sometimes really, really hard to accept, to the extent that I'm really afraid right now to be active and meet other people and do anything fun and it just turns into this big cycle. :( I 'should' myself so much especially when I've spent the winter being depressed and unable to do very much. I'm terrified of people being disgusted by me. The way I feel about my body in general shifts from really positive to really negative pretty frequently and right now I'm in this negative avoidant place.

14. how do you feel about 'little white lies'?

When it's a close friend I feel hurt when someone feels the need to lie to me about something supposedly benign. I understand but I'll try to explain to them the degree of openness that's important to me. I cannot get myself to tell one myself, in most circumstances. Sometimes, with people I haven't been actively cultivating intimacy with, if I need to say something that's not 100% clear or true in order to save me much needed energy, I might do that.

15. Who are the people you choose to spend the most time with/for, and why do they matter to you?

I spend a lot of time with my Shalom Mountain community because the principles and skills of loving really create amazing safe space for people to be authentic and real and come alive. The friends I spend time with most often seem to love nature, have a lot of empathy, and are familiar with emotional instability. I spend so, so much time in ordinary life trying to guage what is safe to disclose to others and so I really cherish people who help create spaces where we can be whoever the hell we are.

21. do you consider yourself a spiritual person? if so, in what ways do you express this? do you worship, pray, do ritual, meditate, other? do you have a deity(-ies)? do you identify with a particular religion?

Yes, and though this has been something I've probably written hundreds if not thousands of pages on over the last few years, I don't have an answer! I consider pretty much every experience I have in my life 'spiritual,' and I'm not sure I have a good definition of what that means right now except... connected...? It comes in words and fragments at certain times and all of that put together both/and with paradox is spirit. I love long-term silent Buddhist meditation though it's harder for me to keep up a daily practice. I pray in my journal and in my walking (often just looking up at the sky and speaking my prayers aloud and feeling the awe and reverence in my body). I love ritual and creating it in all sorts of ways. I don't identify with a particular religion but I resonate with mystical and engaged aspects of many different religions. I particularly resonate with Judaism, Buddhism, and Christianity.

22. what do you believe about the parts of a person? are we just mind and body or is there more? if you believe in more, what do you call it?

Words are never sufficient no matter what we call it. There is much more. Maybe I call it 'awe.'

23. where do you plan to spend most of your life? do you like to travel?

I love to travel and have lived in and fallen in love with many different places. I like to become intimate with a geography when I travel. I plan on spending most of my life wherever I find community that feels like home, where I find nature that I connect with... I don't know where that will be yet... though even then I can't see myself staying in one place all the time.

24. what sort of creative things do you like to do?

Journaling/writing/poetry, photography, mixed media, thinking about attempting a zine, knitting and fabric arts, music... I love it all but have a lot of 'I'm not good enough' stories...

25. if someone made a deluxe action figure based on you, what 3 props and 3 outfits would they have? also, what would the deluxe playset look like?

I need to think about this one.

26. if you could know everything about one subject, what would it be?

Maybe something along the lines of anti-oppression psychology... or creating and facilitating safe, loving spaces where people can heal... or, edible and medicinal plants!!!

27. if you didn't need to earn money and you could have free training in anything as long as you were willing to give the time, what would you want to do with your life?

Maybe I'd study Shalom process training so that what I'd be doing with my life would be loving.

28. do you read for fun? if so, what're your favorite genre(s), favorite author(s) and favorite book(s)?
Definitely! Not enough fiction but I really enjoy fantasy and classics. Wise Child, Harry Potter, Jane Eyre... I have such a hard time remembering all my favourites or coming up with a list of things.

29. favorite color (be specific -- not just green, mint or lime or emerald):

electric purple?

30. favorite musical genre(s) / artists: musicals, folk/... Favourite artist Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer.

31. favorite movie(s) / show(s):

Life is Beautiful, Amelie, Cloud Atlas... again I seem to be having trouble thinking of lists.

32. what activities make it easiest for you to connect with other people in a deep and intimate way?
Apples to Apples or things that elicit laughter as an icebreaker. :)

33. Sum up your life philosophy in 8 words or less!

Walk in awe, beauty, love and paradox.

bonus: why do you read my journal (or, if you're new, what drew you to my journal)?

When I started reading it I saw so many ideas around intimacy and connection and community that reflected me and that inspired me. I can't read your journal without being provided with some new way of thinking about or being with something. It is full of distinctions that have helped me.
16-20
16. how do you feel about nudity (do you like being nude / being around others who are nude)?

I love being nude and around others that are nude. I haven't had a chance to do it very often but when I do it's like a savior to me, a lot of my complexes (to put it in psychological terms) seem to fall away. I've written about it, how prohibitions of nudity seem to be so related to the systems of domination that are in place. How nudity in some ways is one of the most subversive things I can do... and I immediately *feel* the subversiveness of it -- challenging the body shame, the boundaries and borders that are so often policed. Having to keep clothes over the feeling of the sun and wind on my skin and my feet on the earth keeps me trapped and having the opportunity to be nude helps me envision other ways to break out of systems that I do not consent to be a part of.

17. how often do you push yourself to share thoughts and feelings that make you vulnerable to others?

It's important to me. As often as I'm able. Right now my living situation is with family who I cannot be vulnerable with and it's very hard to navigate having to shut myself off here and then opening myself back up to be vulnerable with others... it's a really hard thing to turn off and on. I *do* like when others push me to be vulnerable and who are willing to do the same. I belong to several communities where vulnerability is sort of a core value. There are definitely times when I shut down more and I think it has a lot to do with being forced to do that to be safe where I live. But I hugely value vulnerability and love being with people with whom I can create a safe container for vulnerability. Sometimes certain things, like a cuddle, or an eye-gazing session, or going into nature (or in a safe that feels good because I'm very sensitive to space), are things that I need in order to be more vulnerable. If I'm having trouble being verbally vulnerable and need a push, for some reason, eye-gazing is incredibly helpful for getting me there. It can be a process. Part of being vulnerable is understanding and trying to share what that process is and to help others go through it with me.

18. do you often cuddle with friends (not just lovers) or would you if you had cuddly friends?

It's been such a long time since I've had an opportunity to cuddle, and this is part of why I'm so scared right now... you know, like Amelie who's father thinks she has a heart issue because it beats a million kilometers an hour whenever he tries to listen to it. I'm afraid of seeking it out. If I had the opportunity I'd cuddle every day, at least a couple hours. And I'd hold hands with friends walking through the woods or down the street. Last summer was a cuddling paradise. I remember four of us sleeping out by a campfire under the night sky, slow drops of rain falling on us... not getting to cuddle is one of the hardest things for me... I was most alive then.

19. are you concerned with how humans treat the earth (and its creatures)? if so, what do you do to protect/restore it?

Ecological devastation has been an area that was affecting me really badly with hopelessness and I needed to distance myself from it a bit in order to continue functioning. I've studied natural building, want to build and help people build with natural materials... I want to help lead things like Joanna Macy's Work That Reconnects. I'm very interested in urban sustainability and renewal in communities like Detroit. I want to slowly get back to a point where I can make a difference while being able to deal with the inner stuff it brings up.

20. do you have a strong affinity with any particular part of the earth (a certain type of animal, plant, water body, landscape, and/or a particular place)?

I love many places for many reasons. I feel a huge affinity with water in general: rivers, rain, ocean... I could go on and on about affinity with place...
side 1
1. what is the name you go by among friends? is it self-chosen or was it given by someone else?
Cordelia and a dozen others. Usually self chosen. :D
02. what's the story behind your username?
luck(y) threshold. comes from: Felix Cordis Limen
03. age and sign of the zodiac (sun, rising, and moon if you know them):
29 - Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius
04. what are your self-labels?
So many! Femme, queer, alia-gender, trickster to name a few
05. around which core values do you structure your morality?
subject-subject consiousness ; reciprocity
06. what makes you cry actual tears of joy? what makes you cry actual tears of sorrow?
When somehting hits to my inner heart. most recently. when oppression is lifted. When oppression is perpetuated.
07. what qualities are you currently working on developing in yourself?
self nuturing, understanding how to heal one's self and others better,
08. do you consider yourself anti-prejudice and anti-oppression? if so, in what ways do you help to create equality in the world?
I don't believe anybody is "anti-prejudice and anti-oppression", especially if you're white. Its something worthy to strive to but not something we can achieve. Not only that, there's always more solidarity work to accomplish. Also, equality, when implemented, is often about lifting those that are oppressed up but not taking into account the long term damage+trauma and subsequent need for justice that results from systemic forces. We don't need to be equal, we need a revolution.
A great deal of my life is working on poisons in myself and others. I consider a lot of that to be what you describe.

09. If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be?
depends on who is granting the wishes. :D
10. have you changed gender and/or sex? That is, did you once consider yourself a gender and/or sex that you no longer identify with?
Yep mostly. Tho seperating the two is a bit cumbersome.

11. Describe your sexuality: whether or not you like sex, how you like to have sex, what your best sexual experiences have been like, the elements that need to be present for you to enjoy sex, etc.
Sex please! Queer, I'm attracted to most things but heterosexual experiences / dynamics disgust me. For me good sex boils down to learning how to be intimate wiht someone on a skin to skin + energy to energy level. I think its telling that the intimacy I want is also very much present in many other relationships that don't necc involve sex.

12. what's your preferred relationship structure: monogamous, polyamorous, polyfidelitous, other? Do you have/want (a) marriage-type life partner(s)?
I'm somewhere between nonhierarchical polyamory and relationship anarchy. Once I comprehend it more, i'll likely go full on relationship anarchy.

13. how do you feel about fat? that is, how do you feel about the fat of your body and the fat of others' bodies?
I dislike my fat more than I would prefer. I tend to like the fat of other people tho.

14. how do you feel about 'little white lies'?
I think lying is a sacred act and should not be treated lightly nor used to support / hold up the current order of things.
I've been trying to get to this, but it's a bit on the "late" side
01. what is the name you go by among friends? is it self-chosen or was it given by someone else?
-I usually go by Becky, the nickname for my given name Rebecca. My mother's mom (my Nana) called me that at the hospital (which made my mom angry, she didn't want her children to have nicknames). If someone is close to me, they earn the right to call me Bex. I find it uncomfortable when someone I don't know very well calls me that, but I love it when my lovers/friends use it.

My partner calls me Beakys or Ladyfish. They're both very silly, and I would be very offended if he ever called anyone else his Ladyfish. I can't really explain where it came from or why he calls me that, but he does and I love it. It's certainly better than Baby Girl or some other infantile pet name.

02. what's the story behind your username?
-At the time I created this particular account, I was reading The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants novels. I identified with the character Bridgette, who dealt with mental illness and an early sexual experience that triggered a downhill spiral in her life. I was in the middle of a downward spiral myself, in fact creating this account as an ED recovery journal. Her friends call her Bee in the novels, and it worked so well with my given name. So I went with Callmebee. With the help of her friends and her own inner strength, Bridgette learns to heal herself, and that's what I wanted the name to symbolize.

03. age and sign of the zodiac (sun, rising, and moon if you know them):
-I will be 28 in exactly one month (July 9th). My sun sign is in Cancer, rising in Aquarius, and moon in Leo.

04. what are your self-labels?
-White, cis-gendered, pansexual, open-minded. . . I don't know. It's hard to pin down all the things I am on the inside. It is a constantly changing thing that I try to live with instead of defining.

05. around which core values do you structure your morality?
- My core values have been selected from various faiths and people throughout my life. I was raised Catholic. While I don't adhere to that faith, I respect it for many of the lessons it taught me. Turn the other cheek, judge not lest ye be judged, and do unto others as you would have them to unto you, are a few of the things I keep dear to my heart. The biggest thing I have taken away is as simple thing someone I dated said to me once. It was this: There are only two ways to live your life; Through fear, or through love. Fear leads to hate and violence (and oh so much more), love leads to strength and beauty. That lesson has resonated with me for the past ten years of my life, and I do everything in my power to live my life through love. I believe that kindness and empathy do more to create a good life than anything in the world. I may not understand what everyone else feels or their life experiences (in fact, I know I don't), but I believe that everyone has a right to their experience and it is unjust of me to belittle it. It can be difficult, especially if I find someone stupid or prejudice, but I still believe those people deserve love and respect. I speak out whenever, and however, I can against those things, but I always do it in a loving way that allows people to feel safe to question their own views around me because they know I will not judge them for any of it.

More than anything in the world, I want to life people up. Whether I know someone intimately, or if we are strangers on the street, I want to be able to boost life in some small way. I'm not sure that comes from any doctrine, but rather a large amount of self reflection.

More:
06. what makes you cry actual tears of joy? what makes you cry actual tears of sorrow?
-I cry a lot. Like, pretty much every day. I have recently made the decision to be more honest about my level of sensitivity. I would say almost all of my tears are authentic, unless I'm over-tired or over-hungry.

Now, something that will always make me cry tears of real joy is self-discovery, even if its discovering a new part of a relationship or just knowing that I left the house on a "bad" day. I will cry tears of joy just for being proud of myself.

Tears of sorrow. . . Loss. Usually of a person. Every time. Whether it be loss of them in the physical realm through death, or loss on an emotional level such as realizing that someone I love is toxic and I have to resist spending time with them. I've been limiting my interaction with my biologic nuclear family for that very reason, and it makes me choke up just thinking about it.


07. what qualities are you currently working on developing in yourself?
-Kindness and honesty. I can be abrasive when I speak because I tend not to soften the truth. I have also developed a habit of clouding the truth to try to ease pain in others, which usually only causes pain for everyone involved. So currently I am trying to be brutally honest while remaining kind. It is NOT easy.

08. do you consider yourself anti-prejudice and anti-oppression? if so, in what ways do you help to create equality in the world?
-I would consider myself both anti-prejudice and anti-oppression. Thing is, I believe in a ripple effect. I speak out against prejudice in my every day life, kindly, in a thought provoking way (I hope). I do my damndest to never use words like "lame" or "retarded" to mean "Bad," and I will call anyone out who uses words like that around me. I like to explain to them why I don't like it, and if nothing else they think twice before saying something like that again. Plus, I treat people equally. In my work environment, I am met with people who are different every single day, and in my eyes they are all beautiful and worth the same respect as anyone else.

It's funny, but I can't be a loud mouth advocate. I tried in college, for gay rights, but it just didn't suit me. I don't like being preached at, and I felt that I was turning into a preacher. Then I remembered something I learned when I was involved in the Catholic Church as a youth group leader: You may be the only Jesus a person will ever see in their life. Meaning that you must live the way you would preach, or your lessons fall flat. Again, I don't like Christianity and I especially don't like Catholocism, but the lesson was a good one. If I ever want people to respect others as equals, I must live that way. It is activism through example.

09. If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be?
-The ability to teleport.
-The ability to create atmospheres of emotion (like Jasper from Twilight. Gross reference, I know, but that's what I'd want)
-Food for everyone, all the time, all over the world.


10. have you changed gender and/or sex? That is, did you once consider yourself a gender and/or sex that you no longer identify with?
-No. But I have thought very critically of it, and I present myself as best I can the way I feel on the inside. I am a masculine woman, in a feminine way. I take up space, I speak whether I have been asked to or not, and I don't at all fall into the roles of "woman" the way I once thought I would. BUT. I'm still comfortable being cis.
Even More

11. Describe your sexuality: whether or not you like sex, how you like to have sex, what your best sexual experiences have been like, the elements that need to be present for you to enjoy sex, etc.

-This question almost needs its own page for me. I love sex in action and in theory.

For the sake of simplicity, I'll just answer what you've asked instead of going on about how much I like sex and why.

I like having sex in so many ways its hard to list. I like intercourse (more now that my body is getting older. I didn't used to like penetration very much), I like oral sex, I like sex with words (no touching), I like masturbation, I like manual stimulation, etc. The only kind of sex I don't like are scat, latex play (I'm allergic, so, you know), and anything non-consensual.

The only thing I really need to enjoy sex is someone who is willing to enjoy it with me, however we choose to do it that day.

I will say though, the best and most empowering sexual experiences I have had are ones in which my partner (or partners) take charge of their own pleasure while assisting the other(s). It was a revelation to me that touching myself while having intercourse is ok to do, that it doesn't mean my partner is failing, just that external stimulation is the only way I can achieve orgasm. So now I am unapologetic about it, and it tends to work out ;o)

12. what's your preferred relationship structure: monogamous, polyamorous, polyfidelitous, other? Do you have/want (a) marriage-type life partner(s)?
-I am legally married to my partner, Dan. He's cis, but in a queer way. Most people assume he's gay (which he's always flattered by). We're still figuring out our exact relationship structure, but I do consider myself polyamorous. He has had one consensual external affair, and that was stressful but fun for both of us. He has a lot of past sexual trauma though, and has trust issues so it has been a struggle for me to explore my own side of our boundaries. Right now that's ok though, I know if I meet someone I MUST be with, he'll understand. It will be difficult, but almost everything worth doing is.
Apparently I'm really long winded. . .

13. how do you feel about fat? that is, how do you feel about the fat of your body and the fat of others' bodies?
-I have an interesting relationship with fat. I have an eating disorder, and for years I associate the word fat with those same things most people do, bad, lazy, stupid, etc. It got so tiresome though, and I didn't like how I began to judge others.

These days, I am a rather outspoken proponent for fat. I think its beautiful. You know, in addition to healthy and good.

Also, when I think of fat now, I often just think of it in cooking terms. Every food, especially baked goods, need fat in them to achieve the desired outcome. Sometimes I think butter literally saved me from a life of fat-shaming.

14. how do you feel about 'little white lies'?
-*Sigh* I don't love them, but sometimes I think their necessary. I do my best to be honest though, and only lie in dire circumstances. Plus, I'm closeted about being Poly, and that lie alone feels too heavy to bear most of the time, so I'll be damned if I add anything to my burden without absolutely needing to.

15. Who are the people you choose to spend the most time with/for, and why do they matter to you?
- I spend most of my time with Dan. His presence makes my life lighter and me stronger. I think I do the same for him. We are good for each other, even when we are not being very good to each other.

Then there is my chosen family. These people consist of Cayce (my best friend and soulmate), and her husband's family (father, step mother, step sister, and brother. Plus their spouses). I feel perfectly at home with them, and choose to spend my free time around them because we lift each other up and never have to hide anything about ourselves.

I have friends from work, who I most often have a mentor relationship with. I like that role as they all look up to me and I think I do good in their lives, while they also teach me SO much about so many things.

I have one new friend who used to be one of my employees at work and I'm SO GLAD she's not any more. She and I are so insanely like-minded I don't even know how to handle it sometimes. She's the first person in almost 15 years that I have connected with on this level of friendship.
16. how do you feel about nudity (do you like being nude / being around others who are nude)?
-Nudity is the best. I personally like being naked because it sheds the physical shield hiding what some might be ashamed of (cellulite, belly fat, hair), and I can appreciate all those things in myself without fear. Nudity of others usually doesn't make me uncomfortable, unless it is in a violent/unwanted way.

17. how often do you push yourself to share thoughts and feelings that make you vulnerable to others?
-Recently, a lot. I had a very trying situation a few years back that caused me to shut down, and I am just now remembering how to be vulnerable. It is scary and wonderful. I'm taking it in baby steps though, first being vulnerable with Dan, then with my Chosen Family. I would like to extend this to my boss (who I have a mother/daughter relationship with, and an unhealthy one at that), and my bio-family (who sees the world very differently than I and can be harshly judgmental).

18. do you often cuddle with friends (not just lovers) or would you if you had cuddly friends?
-My mother hates physical contact, and I grew up receiving very little of it. I love touch and cuddling, but it takes a lot of trust for me to be comfortable with it. If I could get over my own fear, I would be the most cuddly friend in the universe.


Almost there. . .
19. are you concerned with how humans treat the earth (and its creatures)? if so, what do you do to protect/restore it?
- Hm. I think there is some hype, and I think there is some truth to the hype about environmentalism. However, I'll be perfectly honest, I think humans are more important than animals or plants. I do try to limit my water use (I live in the desert). Aside from that I can't list any huge ways I try to make an impact.

20. do you have a strong affinity with any particular part of the earth (a certain type of animal, plant, water body, landscape, and/or a particular place)?
-I love fresh water. Rivers, lakes, streams. I could spend all day on and in the water. However, the ocean terrifies me. I do love salt water beaches though.

21. do you consider yourself a spiritual person? if so, in what ways do you express this? do you worship, pray, do ritual, meditate, other? do you have a deity(-ies)? do you identify with a particular religion?
-I am spiritual, yes. I use astrology a lot, and I read Tarot. I trust my higher power and use my instincts. Past that, I have no firm religious beliefs.

22. what do you believe about the parts of a person? are we just mind and body or is there more? if you believe in more, what do you call it?
-I suppose I believe in a spiritual part of a person, but I don't know how to define it. I don't want to. I'm not meant to understand it right now, so I'm not going to worry about it too much.

23. where do you plan to spend most of your life? do you like to travel?
-I plan on spending most of my life here in NM. However, I also plan on seeing the entire country. If I finish with that, I'll tackle the other countries.

24. what sort of creative things do you like to do?
-I like to draw, cook, sew, and write.

25. if someone made a deluxe action figure based on you, what 3 props and 3 outfits would they have? also, what would the deluxe playset look like?
-My three props would be: A cast iron frying pan, a glass pipe, and a really big coffee mug.
-My three outfits would be: Lace lingerie, a bright multi-colored sun dress, and an apron. No shoes. Ever.
-My playset would be the warmest, happiest kitchen EVER, with snarky magnets on the fridge, and bar stools that anyone could come sit on and enjoy the company while I cook or bake.

26. if you could know everything about one subject, what would it be?
-Nope. Too many to choose from.

27. if you didn't need to earn money and you could have free training in anything as long as you were willing to give the time, what would you want to do with your life?
-I would like to be a therapist.

28. do you read for fun? if so, what're your favorite genre(s), favorite author(s) and favorite book(s)?
-I love fantasy. Tamora Pierce is hands down my favorite author. I liked Hunger Games. Piers Anthony is pretty great too.

29. favorite color (be specific -- not just green, mint or lime or emerald):
-The color of the sky at dusk in New Mexico. You'd have to see it to understand. It is deep and clean and vast.

30. favorite musical genre(s) / artists:
-Alternative? I like a lot of music. Right now I'm digging Cold War Kids and Kings of Leon the most.

31. favorite movie(s) / show(s):
-ABC Family's The Fosters is like, the best show EVER. It's on Netflix, and if you haven't seen it I highly suggest it. I think you'd like it, based on what I know about it. Aside from that I love Buffy, Angel, Supernatural, The Office, and How I Met Your Mother. I don't really love movies.

32. what activities make it easiest for you to connect with other people in a deep and intimate way?
-Talking at a bar. Sitting in my own home and watching television. Cooking a meal for someone. Being outside, preferably on a patio, and just relaxing. Too much structure and I shut down.

33. Sum up your life philosophy in 8 words or less!
-Be kind to everyone, no matter what.

BONUS!
bonus: why do you read my journal (or, if you're new, what drew you to my journal)?

I started reading your journal about a million years ago in Curvygirls' hayday. I was part of edrecovery and several of the people in that community were also part of Curvygirls. Essentially those two groups changed my life, so I followed you personally because I was so impressed with the community you had fostered.

I enjoy your outlook on life, even though it isn't always exactly like mine. You make me think and challenge my own thoughts and beliefs and sometimes your words me me uncomfortable (which isn't a negative thing. The only way to grow is to be uncomfortable). I appreciate those things A LOT.
1. Adi, it's a middle name but I chose to use it over my other given names.
2. It's pretty boring. I have been using this name as a gamer name for a really long time in everything. I recently started going by Adi_Light in other places and it makes me happy. I really never thought of that word play with my name and I think it shows how I used to be and where I am now pretty well.
3. 29, Sagittarius.
4. Black, queeer, genderqueer, gamer, wanderer, stoner
5. Treat people as well or better than you would like to be treated. Always stand up for yourself, always stand up for someone with less power than you have. Be kind but don't be a doormat. Think think think about why you do things.
6. Tears of Joy, seeing people/animals being reunited with loved ones. Tears of Sorrow.... Who even knows lately, everything? I cried because I saw a cat that had been run over yesterday. I cried because Jacob won't be home for his birthday. Sad things make me cry tears of sorrow.
7.Focusing on a lot of different levels. Not allowing ADD to run my life. Making sure people know how I feel. Communicating.
8.I do, and I have made a huge point in this new move to call people out on their isms. I don't want to form friendships with people who can't handle that. If I consider someone a friend or even just someone I plan on hanging out with often and they say something that I notice is sexist/racist/ableist/sizest I call them out. I have already lost some potention friends over this but it is worth it. I also try to be really open to hearing when I'm being in some way prejudiced.
9.All of my wishes could be boiled down to lots and lots of money. I want to stay in Austin and be able to visit the people I care about whenever I want and have the time and energy to try and make some changes in the world. I suppose I could wish for world peace and for everyone to be treated as equals but I don't believe in that kind of magic. Change needs to happen on the small scale and in the minds of people before a magic wand can come and fix everything.
10. Sort of? I used to consider myself a girl gender wise and now I just... I don't know what I am. I don't know that it matters to me anymore.
11.My sexuality is "yes, more of that please" I like people. People are sexy. I love sex, my best sex is when I feel loved and revered and feel that way towards the person I'm having sex with. My best sex is when I feel comfortable to drop all of my walls, and there are a lot of walls. My best sex feels like mutual worship.
12.Polyamorous. I think I want multiple life partners. I don't know if I'm ready for that, but I want to be.
13.I feel like bodies are great. I like fat in the same way I like muscle and bone. People aren't pictures, we're movement and all of those movements are effected by how much muscle we have and how our fat clings to us and how our bones move and it's a really really beautiful thing to witness.
14.Lying to authority (Job, cops, parents depending on their level of influence in your life.) figures is sometimes necessary and I judge no one for doing it and do it often myself. I do not life lies of any sort in non obligatory relationships. I do not want someone to lie to make me feel better. I do not want someone to lie because they feel it isn't a big deal. I know first hand how hard it can be to tell the truth, but it is extremely important for me to feel like I am not being lied to. Little, white, or otherwise. Also I feel the term "little white lie" bothers me more than I feel like it should. I am often offended that things that are harmless are supposed to be white. But I don't want to get into that particular thing right now.
15.That's sort of in a transitional period right now. Sorry I can't really answer this one.
16. I like being nude but I want everyone around me to be comfortable with me being nude. I actually don't mind if being nude brings on sexual feelings for people who are around me. I just want to always been seen as more than that. I like people being nude around me although I am often nervous about staring or objectifying someone. I try to talk to the person I am staring at or possibly objectifying if I feel like that's happening.
17.Less often than I wish I did.
18.I do!
19.I am, I recycle and reuse things and try to make sure I pay attention to how long I have on the A\C and how much water I use. I am not as vigilant as I could be but I make an effort.
20.Places where stone and water meet make me feel at home and invigorated. I feel like I'm supposed to be there. Most places with natural moving water in general make me feel more alive than I was before being near them.
21. I don't really consider myself a spiritual person but I do participate in ritual. I worship myself sort of? That is to say, I used to find it hard to find worth in myself in any way, the way that I got past this was to spend time reveling in the things that make me me. Eventually a ritual sort of unfolded. Now I have several rituals to invite myself into my own skin and they make me feel wonderful.
22.I think we're just mind and body, I just also think that mind is more than we can grasp. I don't know what mind is, but it is bigger than our idle thoughts.

I'm going to stop there for now because I have recently given myself a computer time limit per portion of the day and I have past it.
23.Right now I'd like to spend most of my life living in Austin but I love to travel and want to do more of it. There are so many places I need to see!
24.I like to write, I like to paint, and I love to glue shit to other shit!
25.My three outfits would be my adventure time dress, my purple comfy dress that you gave me, and my awesome amazing retro dress.I think the props would be my cell phone, a glass of wine, and my blanket for when my action figure wants to be naked but it's cold. My deluxe playset would just be a house where a low key party is happening. That's where I feel most like myself.
26.Healing
27.Make art, I would paint and make music and glue all of the shit to all of the other shit!
28.I love reading, I like historical fiction but also fantasy. I like anything with magic in it but really well thought out magical systems and well built worlds are my favorite. I don't have a favorite author.
29.Grass green.
30.Not possible to quantify...
31. Right now my favorite movie is probably Pacific Rim. It is so good!
32.Smoking weed, watching people be vulnerable with each other. Having a small safe space to talk to and get to know people.
33.Be happy. Make others happy. Don't die unhappy.

I read your blog because I want to know what is going on in your head and in your life. I read your blog a lot more now that I don't get to see you.

I don't need these to be private!
ravensong Love: Heart
Part One
01. what is the name you go by among friends? is it self-chosen or was it given by someone else?

I go by Raven Rose. It's both self chosen and other given (Odin gave me Raven, Brigid and Freyja gave me Rose.) My parent-given name is Renee, which I really don't like. Never have.

02. what's the story behind your username?

There isn't really one, I don't think. I am Raven and this is my story, basically. My thought process was something like "how does a raven (bird) express herself? Through song. Ravensong. I wonder if that's available."

03. age and sign of the zodiac (sun, rising, and moon if you know them):

I am 31--my birthday is December 10, 1982. Signs: Sagittarius, Scorpio, Libra

04. what are your self-labels?

Queer and genderqueer. I don't really pay attention to my gender--in fact, in day to day life, I don't really even think about it. I just am me. *shrug*

05. around which core values do you structure your morality?

Equality for all. Not just marriage equality, but equality across the board. I am no more or less than a human baby boy and he is no more or less than a grasshopper.

06. what makes you cry actual tears of joy? what makes you cry actual tears of sorrow?

This is kind of hard to answer because I'm an emotional person and cry very easily. If I think of things I'll add them on in another comment.

07. what qualities are you currently working on developing in yourself?

Being transparent. I've been ridiculed and bullied so much in my life that I've lived my life for a long time behind walls and masks. I really don't want to anymore. I want to just be me and allow people to see that.

08. do you consider yourself anti-prejudice and anti-oppression? if so, in what ways do you help to create equality in the world?

Yes, very much. I post from time to time on how queer folks need stories that feature them, write those stories myself, attend Pride parades, etc. I also do my best to avoid/boycott companies that I know support inequality of any one particular group (or multiple groups).

09. If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be?

1. To never have to worry about money again. Whether that be just magically never have bills, or to just always have enough money to cover them.

2. For Angelo to have a happy, stress free life. Like me he's been through a lot of shit and more than just about anything, I want that to end for him.

3. I don't really know what I would use this wish for. *ponders*

10. have you changed gender and/or sex? That is, did you once consider yourself a gender and/or sex that you no longer identify with?

No, though I know people who have. I've never really thought of myself as a certain gender (see above), though because of the reproductive parts I have I've always been sorted into the female lines and I don't have a problem with that or anything. (Though honestly I wish there weren't seperate lines based on gender.)
ravensong Nature: Gardening
Part Two
11. Describe your sexuality: whether or not you like sex, how you like to have sex, what your best sexual experiences have been like, the elements that need to be present for you to enjoy sex, etc.

I identify as queer. That, for me, translates to being mainly attracted to women, and very few men. (I think I've been attracted to maybe 2 men my entire life.)

I do like sex quite a bit. The things that need to be present for me to have sex is first of all some kind of relationship with the other person--friendship or romantic--I don't think I could do one night stands because I need there to be an element of trust. If I'm with a guy (rare, but hey) there must be protection involved as I am adamant about never having kids.

To be perfectly frank and honest, my best sexual experiences have been solo and/or during phone sex! I think because I know my own body so well that I know what to do? Also because it's just me and I KNOW there is no chance of me being hurt or being made to feel uncomfortable in any way.

12. what's your preferred relationship structure: monogamous, polyamorous, polyfidelitous, other? Do you have/want (a) marriage-type life partner(s)?

Well, the easy one first. I am currently in a relationship with Angelo--we've been together 8 years, 7 of which were spent in a long distance relationship. I moved to NJ last year to be with him and we've lived together ever since.

In theory I like the polyamorous structure. I say in theory, because I myself enjoy having multiple partners, but I also recognize that I get jealous and don't enjoy sharing those partners. If I could get over that, then poly would be the way to be for me. Right now though, monogamous is the way I go because I feel it's unfair for me to say "okay, I'm going to be with multiple people, but you can't".

13. how do you feel about fat? that is, how do you feel about the fat of your body and the fat of others' bodies?

The only issue I have with the fat on my own body is that it seems to be causing me a bit of early arthritis in my left knee :/ Otherwise, I'm a big girl and have been since I was a teenager and am proud of my body. I'm in need of a new swimsuit at some point this year and am seriously thinking about getting a bikini despite not being model thin.

As for fat on other people's bodies, I say as long as they are happy and healthy then it doesn't matter. All bodies are beautiful to me.

14. how do you feel about 'little white lies'?

I try to avoid them if at all possible. If you're literally telling a sick person they look better when they really don't, okay I can understand that. But I don't see much other use for white lies myself.

15. Who are the people you choose to spend the most time with/for, and why do they matter to you?

I spend the majority of my time with Angelo as he's my significant other. Other people I spend a lot of time with are Justin, Carolyn, and Brian (my roommates--Justin and Carolyn are married); Rogue and Milo--my roommates' dogs. My mom, though she's still back in Indiana, is someone I talk to a lot.

16. how do you feel about nudity (do you like being nude / being around others who are nude)?</a>

On hot days I enjoy being nude--because it means being cooler. If it's cold out, then fuck that noise and given me clothes! Nudity--my own or other people's--doesn't bother me.

17. how often do you push yourself to share thoughts and feelings that make you vulnerable to others?

For awhile I didn't--that was part of the mask and walls I had. I didn't let anyone see me because I didn't want to be made vulnerable. But now I'm attempting to let people in, and not keep myself quite so guarded all the time.

18. do you often cuddle with friends (not just lovers) or would you if you had cuddly friends?

Angelo and I both often cuddle with our best friend, Rob. I would cuddle with more people if more of my friends were cuddley, but they aren't. Sadly :/
Part Three
19. are you concerned with how humans treat the earth (and its creatures)? if so, what do you do to protect/restore it?

Yes, I am. I recycle everything I can, try to buy paper that's made with recycled materials, and also grow as much of my own food as I can to try to reduce how much I personally need shipped. I also shop at local farmer's markets for this reason.

20. do you have a strong affinity with any particular part of the earth (a certain type of animal, plant, water body, landscape, and/or a particular place)?

This answer could get very long and might be better left for me to someday make my own LJ post about. But in short, yes, I do. Forests feel like home, the Willow tree is the tree I'm closest to, Roses are important to me. As far as animals go: (in no particular order) cats, butterflies, dragonflies, wolves, and foxes. Bears to some extent though not as much as the other animals I mentioned.

21. do you consider yourself a spiritual person? if so, in what ways do you express this? do you worship, pray, do ritual, meditate, other? do you have a deity(-ies)? do you identify with a particular religion?

I identify as Pagan. Part of the way I honor my deities is by being so Earth conscious (ie helping our planet). My writing is also a way I honor them. The deities I follow are Brigid, Odin, and Freyja. I myself don't "worship" as I view that as saying "I'm weak, oh mighty deity please fix this" and...I don't think that's how my deities want me to be. They want me to recognize the strength and power that I do have, and groveling at Their feet certainly doesn't do that. I do ask Them for guidance and send up little prayers to them as I go throughout my day. Nothing elaborate though.

22. what do you believe about the parts of a person? are we just mind and body or is there more? if you believe in more, what do you call it?

I do believe there is something more--something that survives death. I call it the soul.

23. where do you plan to spend most of your life? do you like to travel?

Right now my life is in New Jersey, and that's where I plan to spend the foreseeable future. Angelo is in an industry that may eventually relocate us to California, though.

I do love to travel and would LOVE to go to Ireland someday. Ang and I also talk about visiting Japan together at some point as he's very fond of Japanese culture, and we're both fans of anime, etc.

24. what sort of creative things do you like to do?

Yes? I mean, I do a lot of creative things. I'm a writer, wanna be photographer, amateur at drawing (though I try), eventually want to learn to paint. I design my own websites and have helped Angelo make one before. I make jewelry when the mood strikes. I decorate my journal with color and all manner of doodles. I roleplay--which is pretty much live action creativity. I make DIY things whenever I can. I consider myself a creative person (and all of my deities like when I use those skills), so I dabble in a lot of things.

25. if someone made a deluxe action figure based on you, what 3 props and 3 outfits would they have? also, what would the deluxe playset look like?

Outfits: I don't know what kind of outfits to be honest. I exist in tank tops year round, jeans, and sweatpants/scrubs (because my dayjob dress code is scrubs, but solid color sweatpants work, too). I am also fond of oversized sweat shirts. In the summer I wear capris, and sometimes shorts. Once in a great while I'll wear a skirt.

Props: cell phone, pen/paper, camera.

26. if you could know everything about one subject, what would it be?

Ummm probably either ecology or veterinary science.
ravensong Writing: Fairy Tale
Part Four
27. if you didn't need to earn money and you could have free training in anything as long as you were willing to give the time, what would you want to do with your life?

Photography. Writing. Those are my two big creative passions and if I could have all the free training then I'd study them until I was the most well versed person in the universe in them.

28. do you read for fun? if so, what're your favorite genre(s), favorite author(s) and favorite book(s)?

Yes. I read (and write) YA fiction. I try to read as much queer fiction--both YA and otherwise--as I can. I enjoy scifi, paranormal, spec fic, romance, etc.

29. favorite color (be specific -- not just green, mint or lime or emerald):

My favorite color used to be purple. I liked all shades, though violet was my favoritest. Lately I've been feeling very drawn to green (grass green) though.

I am also very fond of the combo of blood red and black.

30. favorite musical genre(s) / artists:

I like a lot of different music. If I had to name one genre as my favorite I'd probably have to say country. But pop/rock is right up there with it. My favorite musical artists are Vanessa Carlton, Adam Lambert, Miranda Lambert, Tegan & Sara, Luke Bryan, and Florida Georgia Line.

31. favorite movie(s) / show(s):

Harry Potter, Charmed, Roswell, Criminal Minds

32. what activities make it easiest for you to connect with other people in a deep and intimate way?

Some kind of activity. If we're just sitting in a room with nothing to do but talk, I wind up feeling awkward and fidgety and so get absorbed in my cell phone and web surfing. I like board games, or a TV show or something to be going on in the background.

Discussing things I'm/we're passionate about is a great way for me to connect with people.

33. Sum up your life philosophy in 8 words or less!

"Do as little harm as possible."

bonus: why do you read my journal (or, if you're new, what drew you to my journal)?

Your name intrigued me as did your userpic :)
Saw this on your profile and I like filling out forms, so /does so!

I need to post it in a few parts because it's too long for LJ's character limit.

01. What is the name you go by among friends? Is it self-chosen or was it given by someone else? Kei. I chose it after looking for more gender neutral names on baby-naming sites. I wanted to keep a K-name, since my birth name is Katherine. Kei stuck out and I really like it.

I hope to change my name legally eventually, but can't afford to right now. I live on ~$6,000/year [disability pay here sucks] and it costs over $200 to change your name here.
02. What's the story behind your username? It's the title of a Fullmetal Alchemist doujinshi.
03. Age and sign of the zodiac (sun, rising, and moon if you know them): 25, Aquarius.
04. What are your self-labels? [Skipping this one because I filled it out on the friending meme.]
05. Around which core values do you structure your morality? As long as it's not causing anyone harm, do whatever you enjoy.
06. What makes you cry actual tears of joy? What makes you cry actual tears of sorrow? Don't think I've ever cried from happiness.

Thinking of my dead loved ones--especially my best friend and soulmate--hurts and makes me cry often.
07. What qualities are you currently working on developing in yourself? Self-control when my bipolar swings into a manic episode.
08. Do you consider yourself anti-prejudice and anti-oppression? If so, in what ways do you help to create equality in the world? Yes. I do my best to educate people. I almost always exist as a teachable moment/open book for people who are unfamiliar with non-binary people.
09. If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be? To bring back my late best friend so we can live long lives together.

To be healthy, both mentally and physically.

To have a guaranteed income of $20,000/year for as long as I live.
10. Have you changed gender and/or sex? That is, did you once consider yourself a gender and/or sex that you no longer identify with? I've never felt entirely female, despite being AFAB. I rarely feel [entirely] male, either, which led me to not think I was trans* for most of my life. I didn't know non-binary identities even existed until a few years ago. I learned about it from my late best friend, who was just discovering his own non-binary identity.

I've come to identify as genderqueer and genderfluid. I almost never feel female, though I feel feminine at times. I sometimes feel male, but sometimes just masculine. Other times I feel a mix. I've never felt agender, though.
11. Describe your sexuality: Whether or not you like sex, how you like to have sex, what your best sexual experiences have been like, the elements that need to be present for you to enjoy sex, etc. I really enjoy sex, even though I've never had an orgasm from it. I still find it fun. I like it rough; I get bored with slow sex.

I've only been with cis men, but am attracted and open to all sexes and genders.

I used to do sex work, but had to stop because I started taking testosterone. The guys hiring me were buying a woman, I doubt [m]any in this small city would pay for someone with tits, a vagina, a hairy face, and a manly voice.
12. What's your preferred relationship structure: monogamous, polyamorous, polyfidelitous, other? Do you have/want (a) marriage-type life partner(s)? Monogamous, because it's all I've ever experienced. I'd be open to at least trying something poly in the future.

I have absolutely no interest in marriage for myself. My parents were never married. I don't think two people need a government contract to prove they love each other and at least where I live, common-law couples have the same rights and benefits as married couples.
13. How do you feel about fat? That is, how do you feel about the fat of your body and the fat of others' bodies? Over the years, I've grown "meh" about my own fat.

For years, my doctors blamed my fat on the pain I experienced. In reality, I was/am fat because the pain makes it incredibly hard for me to even walk, let alone exercise. I've now got a diagnosis of peripheral neuropathy [which was caused by a series of injuries over a decade ago] and my doctors have dropped the fat shaming.

As for others, I don't mind it. I'm attracted to people of many sizes, and have a great love of bigger women.
14. How do you feel about 'little white lies'? I don't mind them.
15. Who are the people you choose to spend the most time with/for, and why do they matter to you? My friends. They listen to me, they help me, they care about me.
16. How do you feel about nudity (do you like being nude / being around others who are nude)? I don't see any problem with it in general. Of course, there's times where being naked isn't a good idea--working with food comes to mind.

I don't like being naked around others.

I've never really had people around me be naked, outside of sex, so I don't really have an opinion there.
17. How often do you push yourself to share thoughts and feelings that make you vulnerable to others? Never, I'm always very open about everything in my life and there's no need to push myself to do it.
18. Do you often cuddle with friends (not just lovers) or would you if you had cuddly friends? Never, not even with past lovers. I really, really dislike cuddling and most physical contact.
19. Are you concerned with how humans treat the earth (and its creatures)? If so, what do you do to protect/restore it? Yes.

Being disabled and poor, there's not a lot I can do in regards to donating time or money. But because I'm poor, I've never had a car [no one in my immediate family ever has] and can't even afford to take the bus very often. So I pretty much walk everywhere, despite the physical pain it causes me. It's not a lot, but at least I'm not contributing to air pollution.
20. Do you have a strong affinity with any particular part of the earth (a certain type of animal, plant, water body, landscape, and/or a particular place)? I like foxes, and my fursona is a fox.

I miss living in Vancouver, where I grew up. But I can't afford to live there now.
21. Do you consider yourself a spiritual person? if so, in what ways do you express this? Do you worship, pray, do ritual, meditate, other? Do you have a deity(-ies)? Do you identify with a particular religion? I'm a LaVeyan Satanist, which is an atheistic type of Satanism.
22. What do you believe about the parts of a person? Are we just mind and body or is there more? If you believe in more, what do you call it? We're just animals like any other. We evolved exceptional minds and bodies which have let us master our environments and eventually led to the technologies we have now.
23. Where do you plan to spend most of your life? do you like to travel? It's not so much a plan, but I'm pretty much stuck here in Nanaimo. I can't afford to move or live anywhere else because of how little the government gives me.
24. What sort of creative things do you like to do? I used to write, both fanfics and original stuff. But since being put on Effexor in 2010, I haven't been able to write.

I do digital coloring sometimes. Everything in this album was done with a trackpad or a mouse.
25. If someone made a deluxe action figure based on you, what 3 props and 3 outfits would they have? also, what would the deluxe playset look like? [Skipping this one since it was asked in the friending meme.]
26. If you could know everything about one subject, what would it be? Science. Vague, but it's a subject. :P
27. If you didn't need to earn money, what would you want to do with your life? Learn.
28. Do you read for fun? If so, what're your favorite genre(s), favorite author(s) and favorite book(s)? I only like to read non-fiction, mostly science-based books. Mary Roach is my favorite author.

Fun, related anecdote: In 11th grade English class, my teacher got mad at me for doing a report on a book that delved into mental illnesses and genetics, particularly studies involving twins. But the instructions didn't say whether it had to be fiction or not, and I don't like reading fiction so I went with a science book.
29. Favorite color (be specific -- not just green, mint or lime or emerald): Light pink and lavender.
30. Favorite musical genre(s) / artists: Electronic. Infected Mushroom, OVERWERK, Tiesto.
31. Favorite movie(s) / show(s)? The Dark Knight saga; Inception; House, MD; Breaking Bad; Orange Is The New Black; Chopped; Mythbusters; Cutthroat Kitchen; Top Gear UK; Kitchen Nightmares; MasterChef; NOVA; Cops; Lockup; Intervention; Hoarders.
32. What activities make it easiest for you to connect with other people in a deep and intimate way? Talking, I guess.
33. Sum up your life philosophy in 8 words or less! Don't hurt others needlessly.
Bonus: why do you read my journal (Or, if you're new, what drew you to my journal)? Saw the friending meme shared on ghost_light's journal.

15. Who are the people you choose to spend the most time with/for, and why do they matter to you?
I enjoy living with my Mum. I think we're good for each other and I really can be extremely honest with her. I can have a pyjama day and she'll understand it's because I need pressured and need to switch my brain off. If something is troubling me she lets me talk about it way past the point when it would bore anyone else. She's not very huggy but she tries to be as she knows I need it sometimes. It's just good to hear another body pottering around the house even when I feel like being alone and I think she feels the same. I don't have to expend energy being with her, and talking to her doesn't exhaust me. It's true family.
I choose to spend time with my friend Michael on the surface, because we share the same outward interests. We like to go dancing in discos, eating awesome food, going for long walks [although his definition of a long walk is probably a lot longer than mine!] and he's also up for random ideas that I have, like recently when I wanted to see an exhibition in a local museum of famous world buildings made from Lego. He's seen a lot more sci-fi than I have and when he makes a quote I don't know, I don't feel embarrassed to confess I don't know it. He's also willing to go on walks with me when I feel so depressed I can barely converse. I see his housemate, Lucy about twice a year as she is agoraphobic and works up to leaving the house on very special occasions. We stay in touch online and I'm beginning to consider her a friend.
My longest-term friend is Andrew. I've known him for about seven years and we both work bizarre schedules so don't see each other very often. He writes comedy and is very supportive of my creative endeavours, sometimes to the point of slightly losing his temper with me when I tell him I want to write a short story and end up writing... nothing. He's familiar with a lot of the things I do: the distraction techniques, the taking on too many short-term projects with little return and then ending up exhausted, the self-blame and lack of self-esteem and will tell me when he thinks I can't see the wood for the trees, so to speak. Sometimes I disagree and we have an incredibly articulate debate about why we both do certain things, and it's very intellectually matched.

16. how do you feel about nudity (do you like being nude / being around others who are nude)?
I like my body and I quite like being nude, although I don't really do it outside of my own bedroom. I feel vulnerable nude so even in bed I wear a light nightshirt, as my skin will feel uncomfortable on the sheets. I've never really been nude with a partner as anyone I've dated has insisted on lights being out, even though I didn't mind. Because of this I've never seen a partner fully nude, not really. I would actively like someone to want to see me, instead of hiding!

17. how often do you push yourself to share thoughts and feelings that make you vulnerable to others?
Honestly? I really have to push myself to NOT share. I used to have a completely public LJ. I shared my depression experiences on Facebook and Twitter. I began to get anonymous unpleasant comments on LJ. I got blog comments calling me self-obsessed and needy. Good 'friends' began to avoid me telling me I focused on myself rather than them [although this is something I took into account, and really think I succeeded in combatting]. I made my LJ friends only and even then I began to get comments from friends telling me to water down my internet conduct and to not mention it when I needed help. So I began to split myself. I try to be mostly professional and upbeat on FB and for a while I put my depressed thoughts on Twitter [yes, some people unfollowed me]. Now I'm back on LJ and I'm honest, and don't have anyone telling me not to be. Being honest helps me to feel lighter as I'm not keeping anything inside, so helps me. It's refreshing. It's never been a push for me as I've found in my life when I'm open and honest it draws certain new people to me, and those people are often amazing. Compare that with criticism from people who I don't actually see socially anyway? No contest.


18. do you often cuddle with friends (not just lovers) or would you if you had cuddly friends?
No. We would hug goodbye sometimes, especially if one of us is having a difficult time. For a long time I feared initiating hugs in case I got rejected. I'm mostly over that now but hugs don't happen very often. Never lingering cuddles. I used to have a few cuddly friends a few years ago. We lost touch for various reasons - one got married - and it always amazed me how comfortable I felt with cuddles and how loved it made me feel.

19. are you concerned with how humans treat the earth (and its creatures)? if so, what do you do to protect/restore it?
It frightens me. I mean, actively frightens me. Sometimes brand new bookstores or large supermarkets make me panic because I think of the amount of wastage that's just discarded. I think of bookstores in terms of the rainforest destruction. I think of landfill constantly expanding. I don't think I have a huge carbon footprint: I don't drive, don't use aerosols, re-use plastic bags multiple times. We recycle packaging and buy secondhand goods, rarely discard until something is beyond repair. If I do get rid of books or clothes to create more space, I give them to charity shops. I'm not sure exactly what we could do as a planet though without real government help.

20. do you have a strong affinity with any particular part of the earth (a certain type of animal, plant, water body, landscape, and/or a particular place)?
I love the sea, and surrounding rocks and cliffs in both good weather and bad. I wouldn't do anything that could be considered risk-taking but I do enjoy walking beside the sea and in large open spaces in strong winds. A plane I was on flew over the Alps once and it was magical; such a far-stretching, snow-covered rocky range. I love snowy landscapes that other people might consider bleak, and would love to go to Iceland some day. I love to watch cats [in real life], foxes and wolves [not in real life, for obvious reasons!]. Recently I've been thinking that I would like to spend more time with birds.

21. do you consider yourself a spiritual person? if so, in what ways do you express this? do you worship, pray, do ritual, meditate, other? do you have a deity(-ies)? do you identify with a particular religion?
I consider myself spritual, but in a vague way. I'm not quite sure which direction to go in, or what labels to put on my spirituality. I believe in something that I call God, and I think most religions that believe in a higher power are talking about the same being, even if none of them have the description exactly right, and the dogma surrounding a lot of religions confuses the issue further. I'm not against belief in multiple Gods but I don't know enough about them to know which, if any, call to me. I pray, but not in an organised manner and I would ritual if I believed in myself more, that I wasn't doing it incorrectly. Basically, I would love it to be a part of my life, but I have no idea what I'm doing. I love churches but not necessarily church services. I love nature and am drawn towards the 'nature' religions like Paganism. I guess what I would love is local companions to explain and guide.
I sent the others at midnight last night so needed sleep. Here are the rest!


22. what do you believe about the parts of a person? are we just mind and body or is there more? if you believe in more, what do you call it?
There's more, but I'll be gosh-darned if I know what to say about it. A soul has got to be more than just personality [whether a person likes Garth Brooks, for example]. A soul must be more refined, I guess? The essence, the wanting to do good and spread joy and it's perhaps... distracted by personality when on Earth? But there's beyond, so the distraction isn't permanent, or bad.

23. where do you plan to spend most of your life? do you like to travel?
I don't really have any reasons for wanting to leave here long-term. I like to travel but so far I'm happy to travel in short bursts; a week here and there and then home to regroup and think about my experiences, and plan the next! I'm still very new at travel and I think I'd feel very nervous going anywhere that isn't Western Europe or North America. I'm independent, but not necessarily adventurous, not yet. In the next few years it's realistic I might see Germany, Sweden, Iceland. I've found a food aid charity near Yellowstone and Sequoia National Park that takes volunteer helpers and I might go there someday, but I'm not quite brave enough yet. When I become more seasoned and stable financially, I might try Japan, Great Wall Of China and Egypt. I love ancient architecture.

24. what sort of creative things do you like to do?
I write. Songs and some poems, and I write sci-fi stories inside my head as I haven't quite got up the nerve to write them down anywhere yet. I sing and make up harmonies. I dance by myself at home, interpreting songs in ways I see fit. Sometimes I dance freely on nights out, depending on the music. I consider the way I put clothes together to be fairly creative but that's probably stretching the definition of the question!

25. if someone made a deluxe action figure based on you, what 3 props and 3 outfits would they have? also, what would the deluxe playset look like?
Is it weird that this is the question that I spent the most time puzzling over? I'm torn between realism and wish fulfilment! For one outfit I'll have a layered, lacy Gothic black gown. Over it I'll have a red velvet cape, complete with hood. Give me some Irregular Choice ankle boots to go with that, the ones with the little gold cat engraving on the side! For a summer outfit give me a vintage polkadot swimsuit, something with little modesty ruffles on it that has a Bettie Page feel. For the third, I'll wear my pink pyjamas with flamingos on them as everyone deserves a day off, even a doll. Three props would be a masquerade mask, maybe with [fake] feathers. I'll have a lace parasol and my black & white suitcase-with-wheels to symbolise travel!
Let's have the deluxe playset have a theatre with red velvet curtains and little icecream trolleys with wheels and those hostess refreshment trays that you carry around your neck, to represent my workplace!

26. if you could know everything about one subject, what would it be?
Mythology! I read a lot of Greek and Roman mythology when I was a child, with a smattering of Norse which my recent reading of Gaiman's Sandman has reminded me of, although I don't necessarily like what Gaiman has done to the characters. I feel he's... cheapened them slightly, made them a bit too coarse? He's writing them in such a way they're losing their mystery. I know Gods were coarse, with the feasting and the unsuitable liaisons, but perhaps not stooping to fart jokes, eh Neil? So yes, I want to refresh my memory of Greek and Roman, expand my knowledge of Roman and start to learn Egyptian mythology and perhaps Indian. Irish and English is very tied with Faerie too, which is fascinating.



27. if you didn't need to earn money, what would you want to do with your life?
Assuming I'm rich, I would carry on creating. I would hire musicians to be my band and maybe I would release an album and travel with it, gigging.

28. do you read for fun? if so, what're your favorite genre(s), favorite author(s) and favorite book(s)?
Probably the no man's land between horror and fantasy. That's to say, sci-fi without the mathematics, horror without the monstrous decapitations and fantasy without the wizards and battles. My favourite author is Stephen King because there really is something about his writing style that reminds me of how I say things inside my head. It's a familiar, comforting style to me. I love The Great And Secret Show by Clive Barker because the characters are incredibly real and the central lovestory is one I actually care about. It's like he took the window of safety we usually read through, and broke the pane of glass so we can feel the wind of the screaming on our faces.

29. favorite color (be specific -- not just green, mint or lime or emerald):
A bright, summery turquoise. Not as deep as teal, not as blue as cyan and although lighter, definitely not pale. Vibrant!

30. favorite musical genre(s) / artists:
Mainly female vocalists because I like to hear different styles of singing. Folk: Joanna Newsom, Laura Marling. My definition of pop is pretty varied. From 80s stuff like Sparks and OMD to modern stuff like Florence and Lana. I also listen to a lot of musical theatre and instrumental soundtracks [Morricone, John Williams].

31. favorite movie(s) / show(s)?
Anything beautiful in which I identify with the characters emotionally. Scarface, Cinema Paradiso, The Last Picture Show, Black Swan, Byzantium... Films that bring in elements of musical theatre, if done well like West Side Story or The Umbrellas Of Cherbourg. TV-wise I don't watch much that's current apart from The Walking Dead. True Blood failed a few seasons ago. I do watch a pretty terrible English soap called Hollyoaks, but I love it!

32. what activities make it easiest for you to connect with other people in a deep and intimate way?
I always feel I've made my best connections with people while talking in the dark. Some friends and I used to deliberately turn the lights off when we had deep conversations, as it felt more special. Even when walking with friends at night, the best part of the conversation seems to be at the end of the night, just before you say goodbye. People lower their guard, they're often tired as well which makes a person want to confide and want to be close. Take a nighttime walk and put it on a beach or in a forest for extra intimacy. Weirdly, I find it easier to connect with new people while on a night out dancing than if we were making small talk. Being caught up in that joy together... there's something trusting about it.

33. Sum up your life philosophy in 8 words or less!
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I said it before Kelly Clarkson did!

bonus: why do you read my journal (or, if you're new, what drew you to my journal)?
I was adding people from a friending meme. You seemed nice. I read a few entries and was curious about your use of 'ze' and 'zir' so read back a few entries hoping it would be explained. I realised the explanation for myself, but by then I'd began to respect you, and care, and - I hope you don't mind me saying this - thought we were similar in a few ways, like maybe... we have hope that can't be crushed?

You can unscreen all this, that's fine :)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.