July 2017
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why I'm in love with Topaz: the condensed stream-of-consciousness version
I'm so fuckin in love with Topaz. It's super frustrating how hard it is to find words that adequately express the things that I love so much and why I love them. I love how physical zir excitement is -- even though the wild pounding on my arm/shoulder is not actually pleasant, it's adorable in a rude way. I love how ze tucks zirself up against me in hugs or in laying cuddles, filling all the space between. I love how ze is pleased when I teasingly mock zir for being a brat. I love how ze plays with me, I love this so very much. The other day I kissed zir neck in a way that tickled, so ze tried to kiss my neck to tickle me back, and we had a laughing war for a little while. We often have bite wars like that, or Topaz will smack me in response to me teasing zir and I'll smack back and ze'll cry 'ow!' and smack me harder, so I smack harder, and ze's sort of trying to win but only kinda, and laugh and go back and forth until ze calls it off. We laugh so much, cuddle so much. We wrestle, and play tag, and annoy each other just to the point of fun and no further. I brush zir hair a lot, and hold zir and pet zir and kiss zir all the time, and ze hugs me a lot and nuzzles into me. We are sometimes kittens and sometimes other creatures and often communicate without words. I cry when I am moved by music or a concept or a scene, and Topaz looks at me and I can feel zir feeling it with me. Ze says ze loves that I cry because ze has the same feeling and ze can know that I feel it too by looking at me (I'm paraphrasing).

Ze holds my hand when we go to zir garden, almost every time, and I've just realized this is probably in reference to the first time it was cold and dark and Topaz wanted to show me things and I didn't want the discomfort and ze begged and I said that if ze held my hand and led me then it would be an adventure instead of a discomfort and so ze did, delightedly. I love that when we are holding hands in the car and I pull my hand away for something (usually because a turn is coming up and I don't want to be the reason ze doesn't have two hands on the wheel) ze gestures frantically for my hand back as soon as the impetus is over. I love that ze values holding hands and sees it as the most romantic gesture.

I love that ze takes me seriously anytime I want, and doesn't believe small things to be large when I say they are small (as in, if I have a mild desire to go to a place and ze doesn't, ze doesn't think I am minimizing my feelings for zir sake but trusts that I am being frank). I love, love, love, love, that I can ask for anything at all and be SURE that Topaz will not say yes unless ze is a yes. Sometimes ze will have difficulty saying no, but the awkward stop-start-silence is easy to read as a no so it works just as well, I drop the topic and ze brings it up when ze is ready. The lack of feigning agreement is the important thing. I also love that if ze can't talk about it now, ze will remember to bring it up later so I don't have to fret that it is going unresolved. I love that sometimes Topaz will look over my shoulder when I check email or texts, or will ask who texted me or what I am writing (I do not have a privacy setting with anyone that I want to know me who is willing to offer the same openness). I love that ze gets me little presents that show ze was thinking of me -- a dark chocolate and mint bar, or a pretty tea tin, or cinnamon altoids, or a real-ginger ale.

I love that ze is unafraid to express missing me and also doesn't pressure me for more time than I want to give, but rather expresses encouragement to me for doing things that matter to me. I love that ze has devoted so much to learning me that ze can see emotions/motives in me sometimes before I have realized they are there. I love that ze enjoys some of my word idiosyncrasies and uses them also. I love that ze values the things I give to the world and that I don't feel like it's sympathy but instead genuine belief in my art forms and my esoteric gifts. I love that ze values my beliefs even where they differ from zirs and will refer to them spontaneously sometimes -- it bolsters my faith and often happens just when I needed to be reminded. I love that ze loves my body on zir own and refers to it independently, not just when I ask zir to notice it or comment on it.

I've never felt so loved by one person in my life. I think perhaps others have loved me as much, but they did not express it in ways I could feel so deeply and fully and often.


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.