November 2017
      1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30


mixing money w art is hell / act of kindness and trust from M / stress tanglebrain is the worst


I feel like I've been dull in my posts of late. For a little while this was because I was swamped by the amount of posts on my suddenly super-active friends page (that hasn't been a thing for at LEAST five years and I can't even EXPRESS how much better it makes my life). Also I got really discouraged by my recent attempts to attract people to my art, especially in a financially supportive way. I still have two important steps to do but the next one incurs fees and I feel so stressed about money (especially money that may be 'wasted') that I keep putting it off. And that blocks me from writing because I feel like I need to do this other thing first, and also because I feel like over the years SO MANY people (literally thousands) have said that my writing and art has helped them a lot yet no one seems to feel a desire to give back even a little, which makes me feel like the gift must have not been very worthwhile, that they must have been exaggerating. And when I feel like my art and writing isn't valued I don't want to make it. Which is why I try to avoid mixing money with anything because when I do it invariably makes me feel worthless and it ruins my motivation. [p.s. please do NOT give me advice about this, I've heard it all before and it's not helpful] But if I want to make it happen I have to try, and I have one idea that seems good that I haven't tried yet so I have to try it or my failure might be all on me.

I also tend to withdraw when I have no money, as it feels like any extravagance of expression or motion will take the last of my resources. This works in practical ways like driving less to save gas, and in emotional ways (that make no sense) like feeling less able to have conversations and make art and be expressive. But a weird and altogether welcome thing happened this week where my bioparent M put a little money in my account without me asking. That has never happened before, because not only is M a pinchpenny, but usually when ze knows I have a need, ze withholds until I do something ze wants. So the money was not only filling a really important need, it was kind of an act of trust (that I would talk to zir even if I didn't have a desperate need) and kindness (that I didn't have to do the horribly stressful act of asking for money and justifying why I needed it). It made me cry, I was so touched and grateful. And now I could afford to go get my medication but that would take all of it and so I don't feel safe doing that :-[ ugh my stressbrain is so counterproductive. Also a friend is moving next week and offered money in exchange for help, which is a relief. I'm not going to fret if the money doesn't happen though, because I want to be able to help without payment, but I do hope they follow through.

So to wrap back around: despite money stress I want to keep writing, so I'm aiming for a post-every-day this month. And I'm going to try to remember to write first and THEN read my flist, so that I don't run out of time or words.

back to top

Comments
keiwontia ══╣╠══
That's really awesome and moving about your bio-parent M. I'm so happy that you found some sort of relief.

You mentioned that thousands of people have expressed a benefit from the things you create (writing, art, intimacy, etc) but that "no one seems to feel a desire to give back even a little". Would it help to be reminded of the money that I gave you, toward your class? Just to know that it's not really no one. There's someone who wants to give back and has tried <3 We all love you, Bel. I'm certain other people want to give back. I'm not sure what their personal obstacles are, though.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
<3

I know it's not really no one, it just feels that way sometimes <3 and yes, reminders help, but that is one that has been very much in my mind of late!
blimeyzawn1 ══╣╠══
What a wonderful thing to hear about your bioparent.

So often, it's personal obstacles rather than feelings about you/your art that affect people's ability to be generous. I know that probably doesn't help, because you're able to remember to be generous when others aren't.

So I'll ask: Is there anything I can do to help? what would help?
belenen ══╣artless╠══
There are some different ways to help: contributing to my patreon, or buying some kind of my art (jewelry/talismans/prints), hiring me for one of my skills, or sharing my work with others who might do one of those things. Re-sharing any of my art you like is a big damn deal, it makes me feel loved and it makes me feel appreciated and it increases my chances of success :)

When I have some time, Topaz is going to help me set up a facebook hub for all the different things, and after that I'm gonna be asking everyone to share it around, so if you could keep that in mind for when I get it done that would be lovely.
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
I value your words and what I've seen of your art, though your words have had such an amazing effect on my life! :)

How can I help you? I would love to help pay for your medication since you feel stuck having to chose between medication or your sense of safety.

I'm here for you!
belenen ══╣artless╠══
awww, thank you so much <3 I got my medication this weekend after my friend paid me for helping them move.

There are some different ways to help: contributing to my patreon, or buying some kind of my art (jewelry/talismans/prints), hiring me for one of my skills, or sharing my work with others who might do one of those things. Re-sharing any of my art you like is a big damn deal, it makes me feel loved and it makes me feel appreciated and it increases my chances of success :)

When I have some time, Topaz is going to help me set up a facebook hub for all the different things, and after that I'm gonna be asking everyone to share it around, so if you could keep that in mind for when I get it done that would be lovely.
classical_wolf ══╣Shane - L Word - Stare╠══
How wonderful of M. :) I hear you about withdrawing due to money. I do the same.
notquiteright ══╣╠══
I like to make different craft things that I would like to sell one day but once I start to think about people giving me money for them I get hyper-critical about the quality and stuff. I think it's hard to "sell" your creative products.

What sort of art do you do?
belenen ══╣artistic╠══
I make jewelry and magic items and fractal abstracts and take photos.
notquiteright ══╣╠══
pretty stuff!
ohhhlife ══╣╠══
Hugs!

Yay for bio-parent M doing such a lovely thing!

I have never allowed myself to be creative because of the cost outlays and never believing anyone would find any value in it too, so I both feel you, and admire you for getting much further than I have in actually having made so much art! I really hope to as well some day. Its a part of me I have always stiffled almost completely, except for playing with story ideas that I never follow through with...
belenen ══╣incitement╠══
I hope you can too, I would love to see art you make!
bebe_de_lune ══╣╠══
Monye issues are frustrating! I used to talk about doing art and selling it, then would get lectures of not doing it for the money. I lost my passion for art many years ago though. I attempted to go to college for Fine Arts but that was around the same time my passion died. Good luck though! What sort of art do you do too? I am curious! I see people selling pieces in a group called "FlowHoopCircusClothescycle" on FB and people are actually buying! Every one seems respectful of others in the group thus far too!
belenen ══╣artistic╠══
I make jewelry and magic items and fractal abstracts and take photos. Thanks for the rec! I'll check it out.
bebe_de_lune ══╣╠══
Someone tried posting saying they were going to buy wholesale flow pants but I guess the people there more so want handmade things versus things from China. So it could work out decent for you posting there!
ghost_light ══╣Jason Hugs╠══
*hugs* I completely understand. I tend to draw back into just my "daily" posts instead of really talking about things when I stressed.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
<3
llama_friendly ══╣╠══
I have to say, many of the things you've written in comments to me have been very helpful. You have a clarity and way of addressing things that I do not.

That is so sweet and so timely that your bioparent did that.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
oh, thank you, I am glad that you've found value in them <3
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
Of course. I will go through these. :)

You have given me so much already, so I want to give back to you.

I'm happy you were able to get the meds.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.