December 2017
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31


when I was suicidal, words did not help / especially not bossy, self-centered, platitude-ridden ones


The times I have felt suicidal, there is literally nothing that could be said to make me feel better. The only thing that helped was compassionate, focused presence and loving touch. And medication, the time that it dragged on for months and got worse. I thought once you hit rock bottom it stopped but no, it starts digging. Citalopram formed a protective dome over my wounded mind so that I could begin the process of healing. Without it, I would never have gotten better, even though at the time there was a lot that was good in my life and very little that was bad.

Don't tell suicidal people not to kill themselves, it's selfish and disrespectful. Offer tangible resources instead. DON'T SAY it gets better -- sometimes it doesn't. You can say you hope it gets better. DON'T SAY it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem -- sometimes it ISN'T, many people deal with depression their whole lives. DON'T act like you know how it feels. Everyone feels things differently. "I care and I am sorry you are suffering" is far better than anything that starts with "You" -- "you'll get better" "you should do _____" "you can't ____."

Show care, show patience, show respect. If you must have an expectation, expect the depression to last forever, and treat it as if it will. The "hurry up and stop being suicidal" attitude is SO FUCKING DEPRESSING.

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Comments
tarakins42 ══╣╠══
Extremely well said!
classical_wolf ══╣╠══
Well said!
bunnika ══╣bunny: despondent╠══
I always get, "You can't, think of your daughter," which just makes me feel like a shitty parent on top of everything else. Believe me, I am thinking of her, more than once she has been the only thing that has kept me alive, I don't need the reminder.

(This is not an attack against anyone who's said this, just a statement that it's not helpful for me, and can be harmful in my general perception of self, making me feel like I'm not a good parent for being suicidal.)
meri_sielu ══╣magpie/crow friends╠══
And now I am painfully aware that I may have said this at some point when I shouldn't have and no way intended to make you feel bad so although it's not an attack, I am apologising for that fact <3
bunnika ══╣bunny: hugs╠══
Absolutely no hard feelings, I think it's a natural response. <3
bebe_de_lune ══╣╠══
Since I too suffer depression I always tell them, "I cannot say it gets better but I can say I will always be here if you need me" -- and I always mean it when I say it. I mean people have known me to be the one to be sleeping and they call, I will wake up in the middle of the night just to talk to them. I always let people know they can call at ANY time (and if I am not in an appointment myself I will answer). It is a permanent solution but I'd not say to a temporary problem, since I've been within the grips of depression for 18 years or so now. I may end up at the end of my rope someday but luckily for other people I am too afraid to die. A professor once in college told us to NEVER tell someone, "I know how you feel" -- I kind of get pissed lately when people are claiming to know what Robin Williams was going through or they've been where he's been, because no they haven't. They are not him and did not feel his feelings, nor lived inside his being ... so that's untrue. They may have been through something similar, are going through something similar or they can relate etc. but they are not him. I think using "You" is actually within what is called "gaslighting" or at the least I have read to never begin sentences that way for better communication.
letraiseay ══╣╠══
elven_ranger ══╣╠══
Yes, where I have been in that place, it is becuase I cannot see a way forward.
As soon as I have a way forward, a list of things I can do, then I have felt, if not great, that I had something to hold onto again.
meri_sielu ══╣magpie/crow friends╠══
In total agreement. <3
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.