July 2017
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Terrible night
I had a terrible night last night. I had a minor upset in the morning, that sparked me thinking about how lately (3 times in as many weeks, so not a long-term pattern) I have felt I can't talk to Topaz about any feeling I have that isn't positive, because ze takes it on. And I know that zir life is ridiculously hard with stresses from every direction, but I need it to be okay for me to not be perfect. I can't stay in daily contact and share openly without sharing my negative feelings too, that would be a lie of omission. Topaz was busy and we couldn't talk about it, so I wrote about it in emails, and cried for four hours, certain that ze was going to be angry with me for sharing my negative feelings, and that ze wouldn't be willing to work with me and would break up with me. Ze wasn't angry, ze was sorry that ze made me feel that way today, but ze was also drunk by the time ze read the emails, and I was so confused by what seemed to be a complete change of thinking that I couldn't process. I finally went to zir house after ze said ze wanted to hold me, and I cried and cried, and ze was upset because ze didn't realize how bad I was feeling, but I thought I had communicated it, and I had felt hurt and shut out, it was just a terrible fucking awful night. I was also hurt by Kei-Won-Tia, for irrational reasons, and I knew Kylei had to get up early the next day, and I knew that Heather has been dealing with heavy shit, so I didn't feel like I could reach out to locals and I needed cuddles, I needed touch. I finally texted Heather just saying that I was having a really bad night and ze offered to come up, but I got the text after getting to Topaz' so I said no but I was very touched by the offer and cried a lot.

Today I'm still feeling hurt and fragile and very worried that I'm not going to feel better fast enough, and I'm desperate to feel close with Topaz but I feel terrified that the next thing I ask for us going to be the thing that makes me a bad person and a burden who should be punished for not being supportive when someone else is hurting more.

I think it hurt me so badly because this is how it goes. This is how I lose people. They find out that I can't be all they need but they don't work with me to balance our needs so I give until I have nothing left and finally, I say, I can't do this, I need help, I need a better system, and they can't or won't help, and I lose them.

When Topaz and I talked about it ze was completely supportive and held me and petted me while I cried, and didn't get upset with me at all, but I was so terrified that it only partially sunk in. I think my feelings on this came mostly from my past and only like 15% from our actual interactions.

This night hit practically every relationship trigger I have. From when Ashe and Aurilion (the two closest people in my life at the time) left me when I was crying my eyes out because they were more invested in their time together and didn't want me to ruin it with my sad (as I felt it at the time: turned out they thought I was faking it because they'd never seen me like that), to the end of my relationship with Abby when I made a mistake about how to caretake zir in crisis and ze thought I didn't care (which I experienced as me trying my best and it not being good enough and being punished with anger and distrust), to how my parents would get upset at me for getting upset and making them feel bad (literally threatened with physical punishment if I expressed upset when they wanted to enjoy themselves), to how my ex-spouse blamed me for any unhappiness ze felt (so I developed deep guilt and fear in response to my person's unhappiness), to how I couldn't reach out to Kylei for the last chunk of our romantic relationship because ze couldn't handle it, to how Hannah and I can't be close because our needs don't work together, to how furiously and vengefully Aurilion responded the last time I expressed upset with zir behavior, to how all my experiences have taught me that I should never never never express my pain if I think there is a chance that the other person will take it personally, feel blamed/judged and/or try to take responsibility for me feeling better (yet I must express these things, if I want to live up to my ethic of openness and honesty!). It was just one huge clusterfuck of all the worst feelings I've ever had. I still feel so unsure and scared and sad.


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tikva ══╣stress!╠══
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.