December 2017
          1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31


Terrible night


I had a terrible night last night. I had a minor upset in the morning, that sparked me thinking about how lately (3 times in as many weeks, so not a long-term pattern) I have felt I can't talk to Topaz about any feeling I have that isn't positive, because ze takes it on. And I know that zir life is ridiculously hard with stresses from every direction, but I need it to be okay for me to not be perfect. I can't stay in daily contact and share openly without sharing my negative feelings too, that would be a lie of omission. Topaz was busy and we couldn't talk about it, so I wrote about it in emails, and cried for four hours, certain that ze was going to be angry with me for sharing my negative feelings, and that ze wouldn't be willing to work with me and would break up with me. Ze wasn't angry, ze was sorry that ze made me feel that way today, but ze was also drunk by the time ze read the emails, and I was so confused by what seemed to be a complete change of thinking that I couldn't process. I finally went to zir house after ze said ze wanted to hold me, and I cried and cried, and ze was upset because ze didn't realize how bad I was feeling, but I thought I had communicated it, and I had felt hurt and shut out, it was just a terrible fucking awful night. I was also hurt by Kei-Won-Tia, for irrational reasons, and I knew Kylei had to get up early the next day, and I knew that Heather has been dealing with heavy shit, so I didn't feel like I could reach out to locals and I needed cuddles, I needed touch. I finally texted Heather just saying that I was having a really bad night and ze offered to come up, but I got the text after getting to Topaz' so I said no but I was very touched by the offer and cried a lot.

Today I'm still feeling hurt and fragile and very worried that I'm not going to feel better fast enough, and I'm desperate to feel close with Topaz but I feel terrified that the next thing I ask for us going to be the thing that makes me a bad person and a burden who should be punished for not being supportive when someone else is hurting more.

I think it hurt me so badly because this is how it goes. This is how I lose people. They find out that I can't be all they need but they don't work with me to balance our needs so I give until I have nothing left and finally, I say, I can't do this, I need help, I need a better system, and they can't or won't help, and I lose them.

When Topaz and I talked about it ze was completely supportive and held me and petted me while I cried, and didn't get upset with me at all, but I was so terrified that it only partially sunk in. I think my feelings on this came mostly from my past and only like 15% from our actual interactions.

This night hit practically every relationship trigger I have. From when Ashe and Aurilion (the two closest people in my life at the time) left me when I was crying my eyes out because they were more invested in their time together and didn't want me to ruin it with my sad (as I felt it at the time: turned out they thought I was faking it because they'd never seen me like that), to the end of my relationship with Abby when I made a mistake about how to caretake zir in crisis and ze thought I didn't care (which I experienced as me trying my best and it not being good enough and being punished with anger and distrust), to how my parents would get upset at me for getting upset and making them feel bad (literally threatened with physical punishment if I expressed upset when they wanted to enjoy themselves), to how my ex-spouse blamed me for any unhappiness ze felt (so I developed deep guilt and fear in response to my person's unhappiness), to how I couldn't reach out to Kylei for the last chunk of our romantic relationship because ze couldn't handle it, to how Hannah and I can't be close because our needs don't work together, to how furiously and vengefully Aurilion responded the last time I expressed upset with zir behavior, to how all my experiences have taught me that I should never never never express my pain if I think there is a chance that the other person will take it personally, feel blamed/judged and/or try to take responsibility for me feeling better (yet I must express these things, if I want to live up to my ethic of openness and honesty!). It was just one huge clusterfuck of all the worst feelings I've ever had. I still feel so unsure and scared and sad.

back to top

Comments
tikva ══╣stress!╠══
Oh holy shit, hon, you are allowed to have needs. And limits. You need support for your own feelings in order to support anyone else's. Not that that's the only reason for you to deserve support - you deserve it because you're YOU.

In any case, you gotta put on your own oxygen mask first, y'know?

And I do not even know how to process the "they thought I was faking it" thing, so I'm just gonna take a break from the keyboard lest I bruise my face on it. Jesus Haploid Christ. I am SO sorry.

*offers hugs*
belenen ══╣giving╠══
*snuggles into hugs* thank you <3
bunnika ══╣bunny: kisses╠══
I might not be the most helpful, since I mute my phone at night for Matt's sake and will soon be working often, but you are always welcome to at least try to reach out to me. I'm struggling through so much down that I almost never reach out unless I'm desperately depressed and at risk for self harm, but that doesn't mean I'm always like that, or that I can't offer support even if I am. Sometimes being able to be there for a friend gives me a positive sense of self and can be really good for me, so you should never think of it as a burden.

I wish I was a more available person though. :-( My life just doesn't lend itself to being the most available person, but I don't want that to make me a bad friend. At the very least, workdays that aren't Monday Wednesday I'm generally available 9-11 by text if nothing else. Mondays and Wednesdays I should be free by shortly after noon. Weekends I'musually free. Text is always the best way to reach me, and I could let you know if I'm able to chat, call, or video chat.

I'm sorry you're going through all this, and I wish I could do more to help. My work training starts in ten minutes but I should be home around five if you want to talk. <3
belenen ══╣giving╠══
I thought about you last night and was sure you would be there, but I wasn't very coherent for much of it and I needed touch, so I didn't want to ask for long-distance help. I very much appreciate the offer <3 thank you.
cadaver ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you <3 to be fair, I am pretty sure that this is mostly old stuff getting dredged up by a few remarks that triggered me. It's not a long-term pattern at all, Topaz is usually very good at being there for me and letting me be sad without taking it personally.
ssjspider ══╣brian and jonathan╠══
You have every goddamn right to express how you feel, especially in a friendship/close relationship. I know it might be hard to hear now because you feel so sad and vulnerable, but if these people in your life can't handle it, they should hit the road. It's not fair to you. Relationships, whether they be romantic or not, should be a PARTNERSHIP, you should be able to lean on each other.

I'm so sorry your night was so bad *holding your hand, hugging you, whatever you want*
belenen ══╣giving╠══
I appreciate the fierceness of your support <3 it makes me feel cared for.

to be fair, I am pretty sure that this is mostly old stuff getting dredged up by a few remarks that triggered me. It's not a long-term pattern at all, Topaz is usually very good at being there for me and letting me be sad without taking it personally. And was, last night, once ze realized the extent of how I was feeling.
ssjspider ══╣brian and jonathan╠══
You know your friends better than I do so if you're OK then OK... <3
volamonster ══╣stars╠══
I'm here and I'm listening, and I'm here for you as best as I'm capable of being. I don't want to say anything that would come off as advicey or not giving you the space to feel your feelings, so I hesitate to talk about why you have the right to have the needs you do and to assert those needs, but I hear you and I'm hurting that you're hurting and I hope that you can reach a more balanced place soon.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
<3 thank you. I thought about you and knew you would care, but as I was only sometimes coherent and felt such a strong need for touch, I didn't want to ask for long-distance help. Thank you for the love and hopes <3
delicatexflower ══╣ever after; drew -- "tears and rain"╠══

james, your needs are just as important. you shouldn't feel like a burden to those who love and care for you. i know this is easier said then done but reach out, talk to people, i know it can be hard with the pain you feel in your heart but if you don't reach out, the pain just gets worse. you aren't alone and you will heal <3

*snuggle-warm hug*
raidingparty ══╣╠══
(mental hugs)
That is all.
keiwontia ══╣╠══
*~. <3 .~*
classical_wolf ══╣╠══
Lots of hugs! ♥
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
I think you have not only a right but actually a responsibility to express what you're feeling (within reason, not constantly but comparably to what the other person expresses), because a relationship isn't a relationship at all if only one person's feelings get expressed and listened to and responded to.

Unfortunately this does entail a risk that the other person may respond badly to your expression of your feelings. Sometimes it may even end the relationship. But while suppressing your feelings indefinitely might seem on the surface to preserve the relationship, ultimately it only preserves the unhealthy pretense of a relationship when you are not actually allowed to exist in that relationship as your actual self with actual feelings. It's better for you, really, not to waste time pretending to have a relationship with someone if really you're just being used as a dumping ground for all their feelings and you're not allowed to express your own in return.</p>

A relationship can only succeed if both people are committed to both expressing themselves to each other and listening to each other in fair and compatible ways. The only part of that that you have any control over is your half. You're responsible for expressing yourself and listening. You're not responsible for whether the other person responds appropriately. Sometimes the other person responds very inappropriately and totally destroys the relationship. The best thing you can do if that happens is to recognize that it's not your fault and that there isn't anything you can do about it.

I wish I had anything more helpful to offer, but that's all I've got . . . and it's an understanding I've learned the hard way.

I hope things work out between you and Topaz.

notquiteright ══╣╠══
I have this sort of relationship with my mom - if I tell her too much of the "not happy" things I'm going through she takes it on and ends up getting all stressed out and sick. So then both of us are struggling instead of just me. In the end it makes me not want to tell her anything.
kiwi ══╣Loves!╠══
<3

I don't really have anything to add - I think others have said everything I thought while reading this. Just <3.
sabrinamari ══╣╠══
((((((gentle, loving, virtual hugs))))))
hands_cupped ══╣╠══
Oh dear *offers hugs* This sounds really hard. Once in while I will have nights or days that are so completely overwhelming and full of triggers, more than usual, and when that happens ...it's soooo difficult for me to express exactly how overwhelmed and hopeless and in pain I feel. It's really horrendous. So while I don't have your exact experience on this, I just want you to know that I think I have a very sorrowful understanding, on some level, and I don't have the words to express how sorry I am. I'm glad you were able to reach out through writing, somewhat. I am glad you have such a strong relationship with Topaz, and are usually able to talk to them about things. No relationship is perfect, but it sounds like there is at least a consistent pattern here of willingness to try to understand and improve communication. So I'm at least glad for that.

sugarmaplelife ══╣╠══
camilleyun ══╣Camille Claudel╠══
I don't have people. I wish I knew how to have people in my life like you do. I don't have those types of connections. I don't have people to count on who demonstrate through actions they care. Perhaps sometime you can teach me how to do this because I want these things but they are totally foreign to me.
ravensong ══╣Love: Heart╠══
I'm so sorry old feelings got dredged up. That's not fun. I'm in a relationship with someone who deals with some of the same things you described here (and I do, too, actually) so I understand how a comment/conversation/remark that seems innocent can actually act as a giant shovel. *offers hugs, tea, whatever you feel you need*
jupitercornwall ══╣╠══
I'm just now reading this. I understand triggers, and I also understand patterns, and how they can get in deep, and stay there for a long time. It can take the smallest of sentences, smells, sounds, to bring them up again, and it roars up like a loud engine coming over a hill in a sudden blast of feelings. If you want to get out and talk, or want to get out of your head for a minute, let me know. I'm just down the road, and have lots of art supplies and a good ear.
the_leaky_pen ══╣╠══
Sending along virtual hugs, if wanted.

You are so worthy of support and caring. You don't have to be perfect and needless to deserve a relationship that buoys you up.

I totally get current relationships stirring up feelings from old relationships; it's a shitty feeling all around. Big big big warm fuzzy hugs.
adi_stroyer ══╣╠══
Offering hugs if they're wanted. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know I'm a bit distant, both spiritually and physically right now but I hope if there's anything I can ever do, any time you just want to talk to someone and think of me you will contact me.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.