August 2017
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a nourishing & emotionally exhausting 11 days! Kei-Won-Tia, Topaz, Sydney, Heather, Kylei, Abby, Kat


6 - Kei-Won-Tia got back from a long trip and we had missed each other so the first day ze was back ze came over and we talked and cuddled and then Topaz called asking to borrow my Cloud Atlas DVD, wanting to show Sydney (who was visiting zir) and me when I came over. Ze invited Kei-Won-Tia to come watch the movie too, and we headed over. Sydney and Topaz got drunk on wine and Kei-Won-Tia fell asleep about a third of the way through the movie. We paused it to caffeinate Kei-Won-Tia and got talking and never finished the movie. A weird dynamic ran through the evening for me because the others all seemed on the same wavelength and I felt like I was out of sync with everyone, and always would be, and like I couldn't connect anymore and my intuition was murdered by my ADD-PI, and in general got very depressed. A few times I got choked up and people reacted with concern but I couldn't have talked, I was not capable of coherence without like a 20-minute wracking sobfest, so I didn't answer and tried to move on. The third time I went upstairs and lay on Topaz' bed and cried my eyes out. Topaz came up and asked what was wrong and I talked about feeling so disconnected and ze expressed that when we first got together, ze had an 8 out of 10 energy to put into our connection and right now only has a 3. That was such a gigantic relief to me to hear, because before then, ze had said that ze felt the same way and that our connection was the same, and it felt so different to me. I'd try to expect it to be the same, and it wouldn't be, and I would be terribly hurt, over and over. What Topaz meant was that our connection was the same but the expression of it was different. That last part was probably a logical step, but I was so worried that I took everything at face value because I felt confused and lost. It was worst with Topaz, but I felt out of sync with everyone, and feeling connected (like when you can say something vague and the other person gets it at a level where they need no explanation and you can look at each other and feel unity) is vital to me. So, anyway, Topaz explaining this and telling me that yes, ze does want to be that connected again and thinks we can have that again when life is not so shit, made me feel so much better. We went back to the living room and Sydney was telling Kei-Won-Tia an intense life experience so we listened and then the conversation moved to other things. Eventually Sydney went to sleep and Kei-Won-Tia left and Topaz and I went to sleep, both exhausted.

7 - woke up and felt so weary at the idea of leading an intimacy practice. But I didn't feel incapable, so I didn't cancel or bow out. Topaz and Sydney and I were late eating breakfast so it got moved back an hour, and then there was LITERALLY AN HOUR of technical difficulties with making the volume work so that the people on videochat could hear us. Honestly, I felt like that was a sign we should cancel, but when I mentioned this no one else seemed to agree, so we went ahead. It was still a nourishing practice, but it was more exhausting than it was nourishing and if there are an hour of issues again, I will cancel, or if people want to go on, I will let them go on without me. I feel kinda bad for not listening to my intuition because I feel like maybe Sydney got a bad first impression and I really want a chance to have zir included. BUT there was also a moment when Sydney asked a question of Abby and I knew it before ze said it even though ze had never told me, and I felt so so so encouraged by this moment of my intuition being 'on.'
Also, there was a weird vibe between Kei-Won-Tia and me and when I asked about it the first time ze said ze was upset at the delay starting, but the vibe was still there hours later so I mentioned it again, and ze said that the night before was 'weird.' After some prodding ze expressed that ze was upset with me for not explaining/sharing what was going on with me the night before. I explained that I had been incoherent and then when I was able to talk about it, something emotionally significant was happening that I didn't want to interrupt and then the conversation moved on and it didn't seem that anyone was wanting to know. I expressed that I do want to share with zir and it was situational, and that I want zir to tell me as soon as possible if I do something upsetting, and ze agreed. We hugged and expressed love and I felt it was mended. That night Topaz and I had a discussion about how ze is stressed about the possibility of clashes and needed a night of pure rest, and we agreed to have an evening with no clashes. This is actually something I had been wanting to claim, because when you have two worn-out people it is easy to have endless clashes, but it is also possible to container that shit and just spend non-processing time together. (I think of it as cuddlebro time) So we had dinner and watched tv (because that is relaxing to Topaz) and it was a restful night, which we both really needed.

8 - don't remember, didn't calendar it :-[ There was school stuff.

9 - I went to Sandy Springs and read 1984 at the Caribou for a while, then went to the free energy healing. It was good, helpful but not mindblowing. I wonder what makes the difference, as I do the same thing every time. I hope that one time that was shockingly mystical happens again in some form eventually. Heather met me there afterward and I took zir to one of my favorite mexican restaurants and then we went to my house. We talked and cuddled for six hours and it was amazing. I've never spent such a length of one-on-one time with Heather before. I felt really nourished by it and really happy. I wish I had written about it right afterward because there was so much important stuff said and I have referenced it at least twice since, but I cannot call it to mind on purpose.

10 - Heather went with me to campus and wandered around while I was in class, and then I took zir back to zir car and we went to Kei-Won-Tia's to meet zir mom. I gave Kei-Won-Tia the birthday presents I had gotten zir and I think ze appreciated them :D I felt pleased with myself. We spent like four hours playing truth-or-truth: Kei-Won-Tia, zir mom, me, Heather, and eventually Kylei, Dana, and Kyle also. It was fun, and relaxed while also being quite intense. Heather got drunk and was super cuddly with everyone, Kei-Won-Tia's mom entered fully into the spirit of the game and asked some amazing questions, Dana (who was brand new person to everyone except Kylei) also was totally open and we had a moment of strong connection over exes who were like "by the way that important thing I said, I never meant it," Kylei was sweet and happier than I have seen zir in a long time, Kyle stepped out of zir comfort zone and got quite involved, and Kei-Won-Tia pirated some of my favorite questions ;-> We also took a chunk of time and meditated with Abby via ghangout, which was interesting because I had gotten used to doing it in my own space and found it very distracting to be in someone else's space. Then I went to Topaz' and had a really restful evening.

11 - I went back to Kei-Won-Tia's to watch the latest "Alice In Wonderland" with zir and zir mom. That has become a very important movie to me. I never thought I would like Alice, but the more I am exposed to the lore that has built up around it, the more I fall in love. I've been watching Topaz play through Alice: The Madness Returns (watching and 'helping' with timing cues, and closing my eyes with long jump series because otherwise I will gasp and startle Topaz out of zir skin) and oh, that world is part of my soul <3 Then I went to get my prescription and couldn't afford it, STRESS, went home and accidentally cut off a neighbor while driving who yelled "fuck you" at me, spun into panic panic for like an hour, finally wrote an apology note and drove to their car and put it under the wiper blade, fretted that that would somehow make them more angry, felt unsafe and angry that I would feel unsafe at such a small mistake which shouldn't be cause for retaliation but they were entitled little white boys in a brand new car so... Then I went home and calmed down, and later that evening went to Topaz' parents' house, to see photos from their recent trip. That was an interesting evening. They made us dinner, which was very sweet of them, and I felt a strange mix of included and intruding during when they shared about the trip. I think Topaz' mom feels like I take up space in Topaz' life that zir mom used to have. I feel bad about it but have no idea what to do to improve things, so I try to just be unobtrusive when they interact.

12 - no idea, didn't calendar. My memory is the worst. School happened.

13 - I spent time with Topaz and rode to Kei-Won-Tia's birthday party with zir friend, who I had never met. It was a bit awkward but we had some good conversation. Once I got there I shared my damiana liquor with Kei-Won-Tia and after four shots felt nothing, so I got impatient and went and took five shots of jim beam. Oops, suddenly VERY DRUNK. This was the second drunkest I've been, and it wasn't quite too drunk but it was on the edge of it. I texted the wrong people :-O I was trying to send the address to Topaz and felt so proud of myself for finding it, copying and pasting it, and then it turned out I sent the address to Kei-Won-Tia. *eyeroll* I talked a lot, with Kei-Won-Tia and Christo and Kyle and Locke. Kei-Won-Tia and I tried to convince Locke to dump the straight white cis boys who are just plain not good enough for zir. I really feel like ze would be happier with someone who actually had relating skills. And I mean, maybe you can find a cishet white boy who can do that (I do know two of them), but it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. With others it's more like looking for a pen with blue ink in a pile of random pens. Eventually Topaz came and stayed for about an hour and a half and then took me home. I found the evening really fun and nourishing -- I had expected the first but not the second.

14 - Sunday was a slow day, I was exhausted and took a nap and then internetted while Topaz worked in the garden for 50 billion hours. That night I talked with Abby, who has had a shit time of it lately, and I felt more connected with zir. I'm glad to have zir in my life and I hope we can be better about staying more continuously connected.

15 - School, and a talk with Firekat who has also been having a shit time of it. I am usually not down with unscheduled chats because they take a lot of energy for me but ze messaged at just the right time, and we talked for about an hour and a half. I love this creature and I hope ze comes to visit me soon. Ze said maybe this weekend, so we'll see!

16 - Kei-Won-Tia came over and we hung out for like 10 hours, and talked about everything under the sun. Ze's just had a major breakup and is at a turning point, which is always really intriguing for me because I love when people go through radical growth (which often happens after major change). We talked with Abby for about an hour and a half via videochat, which was lovely. I feel very glad that more of my people are connecting with each other and investing in each other. Kei-Won-Tia is a great joy to me in that way because ze is so good at reaching out and taking initiative.

17 - today I am officially out of meds and called my psych about it (ugh, calls are so stressful I always put them off until I can't. the previous office communicated with me via email, which was such a great form of accessibility. This one has no email I can find online and I keep forgetting to ask for one), but they left for the day at noon, so I can't get my prescription until tomorrow earliest. Next week I am biting the bullet and going to the clinic Kei-Won-Tia suggested to see if I can get better care. *SIGH* I also texted with Kylei today about feeling unimportant since ze keeps making plans and setting out time for other people but not me, and ze apologized and asked off for specific days. I would like to actually be able to be friends with Kylei but it has been so hard with zir work schedule of grindstone-mashing and zir wildly social butterflyness. Kylei knows that I will understand if ze is too wiped-out to hang out with me, so when we make plans and ze needs time alone, ze cancels on me. I should mention that I think this is caused by zir lack of self-dates, I didn't think of it then. But I felt considered and valued by zir making the effort to ask off work.


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.