December 2017
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relationships: Kylei / Abby / Anika / Heather / KWT / Lilywolf / Topaz / Allison / Jaime / Adi / Kat


icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

Reflecting on my relationships this past week, I realized that I have been pouring a lot of energy out and not getting much back. This isn't a problem when I'm in a period of abundance, because I don't mind it in and of itself, but I'm still recovering from my 2012 suicidal depression, and last November/ December were hugely draining - so it's not something I can healthily do right now. So I have to figure out how to spend less energy and/or get more, hopefully without hurting feelings or sparking resentment. I feel a bit of a failure about this, because I was working so hard on reconnecting with people I love, and I feel sure that if I stop putting so much in, some of those connections will wither. But this is a pattern, and it's a bad one. I have to stop doing this. I need to be okay. I've been crying pretty much every day this week, and wanting to cut everyone out of my life. That's not a practical desire or something I would actually do, but it is an urge I get when I am not being nourished. It's a very bad sign.

I have set up every-other-week plans with Kylei and so far, those have been stressful every time, because the plans ALWAYS change at least once if not four times. It has only been 2 or maybe 3 attempts though, so maybe it will settle now. If next time is a pile of stress I'm gonna cancel that experiment unless/until I'm in a place of more abundance.

I've set up weekly talk-dates with Abby and that has mostly been stressful, not sure if it was because we had chosen bad times or what. Almost every time we talk though, I get sad at the things that I don't have with them, and extra sad when they give the things I have been wanting to others. I understand it all logically, they're depressed and it's far easier with in-person folk who are practically living with them, but it still hits me. Anyway I'm gonna try and keep the plan to talk with them but I'm gonna try to watch my feelings and if it is more draining than nourishing I'm going to cancel that for a while too. I need to figure out what to expect, for sure.

Weekly meditations have been a giant disappointment. I feel like I'm the only one who takes the plan seriously and I've asked Abby to let me know ahead of time if they are cancelling or postponing but they don't. So that, I'm going to switch to a time that is good for me and just send a text when I start, and if others aren't ready I'll just do it alone. It's been good for me to have a weekly plan but when it's not treated like a real plan by others I get so discouraged that I don't do it at all. Speaking of which, if you want to meditate with me please let me know! you don't have to be local, I usually just text to make sure we're starting at the same time and then 30 minutes later I text to ask how theirs went and describe mine. I am also open to email for this purpose.

I've been feeling very limbo-ish with Anika, trying to feel out how they feel about me and what I should expect and etc. I just feel completely mixed up there. Hopefully I can get a grasp of it. I don't know if it's a my-brain problem or a communication difficulty or both. I just feel like I have no idea what they want from me or to give to me, and my questions are not clarifying anything for me. --- Just realized, from writing an email while writing this, that my problem was in their expectations of me, and I wrote out what I wanted them to expect and felt SHITTONS BETTER. *huge relief*

Heather I haven't really gotten to spend much time with lately because they were out of town and before that my life was smushed for two months. Hopefully we can spend more time together soon. Kei-Won-Tia has also been kinda absent, I think because they've been down.

Lilywolf is starting to become a closer friend; we sometimes meditate together and when we're in town we hang out about once a week. We went to oneness blessing together and did ritual together; I feel it quite easy to get into the right energy with them. I feel hopeful for more spiritual explorations now that I have a very-nearby friend with a very flexible schedule who is into it! I mean I couldn't have designed it better.

Time with Topaz has been really great. They're feeling better about life after deciding to put some medical hoop-jumping on hold (it was causing enormous stress) and it makes our time more relaxed and focus time more possible and they laugh and play with me more which makes me feel so good down to my core. I could probably be nourished fully by spending all my time with them but that is bad for both of us in the long run, so I'm being sensible and planning alone time and time with other friends.

My friendship with Allison is pretty awesome. They came to my crafty party last week for just an hour because they couldn't arrive earlier, and we planned coffee this week. We had a really great conversation and I feel like we're starting to build a more in-depth friendship which makes me very happy. I still feel residual awkwardness from the fact that they live in a very different culture than I do, and so I feel like I can't apply my usual habits. But I just realized that I could actually negotiate what works, which would at least disintegrate the awkward.

Jaime makes me quite happy! I don't think I posted about our trip to BTFP a while back, but it was deeply nourishing. They're my favorite kind of forest companion: they point out things I don't notice and they react w joy when I do the same, they feel the spirit/energy of things and honor it, and they don't get impatient with my meandering or photo-distractedness. We had lunch last week because they expressed a desire for time with me, and we had super great talks about spirituality and stuff. We were gonna go to nature but ended up in it for maybe 30 min because it was ridic cold (it froze that night!).

Adi has actually been more of a part of my life the past two weeks because I've been texting them a photo every day and they reply to it. I love that because it's low-difficulty for me to share (since I have the goal to take a photo a day anyway) and I feel a little connection with them each time.

Kat has been a little more immediately-present in my life since solstice, which makes me quite happy, but I have fallen off the wagon sort of with reaching out via text. Kat is one of my longest-present friends (if not actually the longest one) and I really love the possibility of being closer. I realized that they don't live 6 hours away like I thought, but more like 4. Once I get this other thing fixed on my car (not too expensive or dangerous but it makes me very uncomfortable) and there is no threat of snow, I want to visit them.

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Comments
darkestgarden ══╣╠══
i would love to meditate with you! i don't have phone service right now and can't text, but i can do email notification or work out some other method of communication (like kik for an example). are the days random each week or do you have a tendency to do it on a certain day/time?

i'm sorry to hear about the imbalance of give/take in your relationships lately. for myself, it's very demoralizing and painful when i realize my interactions with loved ones aren't mutually nurtured and cherished. it makes me feel taken for granted, and like i'm not adequately valued. it's so hurtful. so i ache for you and hope that things will turn around and that you receive the nourishment you need.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
ohhh yay! I meditate at 5:30pm EST on Wednesdays. can I have your email address? http://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=1848995&mode=enter

*nods lots* I am sorry that you have also had this experience, but thank you for the understanding. I think I caught it this time before it started causing damage <3 at least I have learned to note the signs, though I probably wouldn't have taken the signs seriously yet if Topaz hadn't been like "I can see that you are being drained, you need to make some changes." So I feel grateful for that!
bunnika ══╣bel: serenity╠══
I'm sorry you've been so drained lately, and I'm sorry for contributing to it. :-(

I'm glad you feel SHITTONS BETTER now though and I do, too. I think this exchange has been really good for us, and am hopeful about our ability to keep communication stronger now. Really looking forward to Spring Break! :-D
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
no worries, it is not your fault! it's not anyone's fault really, just a situational problem.

ME TOOOOO!!!
webgirluk ══╣pic#118113725╠══
You sound really similar to me when it comes to friendships.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
in what way(s)? *curious*
webgirluk ══╣╠══
1. We both are very invested in our frendships and enjoy analysing them.
2. We both can have depressive moods where we feel like cutting everyone off due to perhaps feeling not cared for at that moment.
3. We both experience friendships where we feel we're putting too much in and the other person isn't really, for whatever the reason.
4. We both dislike seeing others enjoy aspects of someone that we miss out on but seem to be able to give to others and try and rationalise it, knowing there are logical reasons for it sometimes.
call_me_katya ══╣Cat╠══
I'm never sure whether to write stuff like this as I'm not sure if it will have the desired effect [a positive one] or make the person sad, or feel pressured, which isn't my intent.

What I want to say is even though I live far away I do consider you a friend. I know we can't make plans and it's not really achieving anything for me to say this, but understand that people do want to connect with you. Hope this statement isn't draining as it's not an expectation of you, just a... thing!

I completely understand how draining it can be when plans change around though, and are rescheduled. People don't realise how much someone can focus on a time and place and if it changes, the whole energy shifts.
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
I feel you are a friend too! I am quite glad to have 'met' you -- it has been a long time since I found someone through LJ that I clicked with on this level. I appreciate this comment a lot <3

If you were interested and able, on Wednesdays at 10:30pm your time I'm going to be meditating and if you were interested you could join? This week it's just going to be at the same time, but some weeks it will be via google hangout (all you need is a gmail address).
call_me_katya ══╣╠══
I had actually been considering replying to your meditation call [I had already worked out the times, etc!] but was holding back from replying for a few reasons.

1. That I can't guarantee to be free at that time every Wednesday. Some weeks I'm still in work, although tomorrow I'll be free.

2. I've never really meditated before. When you say "I text to ask how theirs went and describe mine" I wonder to myself What if nothing happens? Is something supposed to happen? How will I describe nothingness?

If you're okay with that though, I'm free tomorrow and happy to give you a number or gmail address if you need [the email I gave you before was hotmail].

And thank you <3
belenen ══╣artless╠══
there are no worries about 1 or 2 -- sometimes I don't have much to say either! and I won't mind if you only come occasionally. Sorry I didn't get back to you before wednesday! please do give me your gmail address ;-)
call_me_katya ══╣Chess Glass╠══
It's okay, I joined in on Wednesday and hope to do so again [although this Wed I'll be working at a stand up comedy show which will only finish when the comedians stop talking, which could be anytime! Comedians like to TALK].

My gmail is candyseyesmusic@gmail.com

I hardly ever use it as it's more for organising gigs, but if I know it'll be in use on Wednesdays I'll know to log in!

kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
I would so LOVE a visit with you, and am super looking forward to planning that!! :)

Also, I wish our phones were more compatible :/ would love to be seeing your photos and having that interaction. Have you thought about instagram?
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
me toooooo!!! :D

instagram, I have considered it. Are there any benefits that email doesn't offer? I like the intimate feel of email.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
Benefits? Nah; it might be a hair quicker, and you'd be sharing with everyone who's on your follow list at once-- probably would eliminate like ONE step. All the filters are kind of fun though-- I've been addicted to instagram lately :) My feed is public; if you want to cruise it I'm @kmiokat :)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.