November 2017
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overwhelmed / my friendship needs and dealbreakers


icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

Sorry for my absence; things have been wild but they should be settling now for at least a few weeks.

One of the major aspects of life taking my thoughts and energy lately has been my friendship with Kei-Won-Tia. I won't go into details for fear of betraying confidence, but we had a major, two-week clash over what it meant to be open, and then they expressed a need that I cannot meet and still be a whole person, so we can't be friends right now, and not in the future unless they no longer need that thing I cannot do.

It made me realize that I have a need from all of my friends, which I am not sure if I have expressed recently or clearly. I need to be able to trust that you are not going to lie to me -- that you are not going to deliberately deceive me. That is a dealbreaker for me. My dealbreakers are:
1) deceitfulness/insincerity
2) disrespect
3) manipulative behavior
4) destructiveness of self and/or others and/or living things (see original post for details)
5) indifference/apathy

and mapped out with more specificity: my minimum requirements for friendly acquaintances and actual friends / my ideal friend's qualities.

Hopefully I'll write something of more substance soon.

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Comments
bunnika ══╣bunny: hugs╠══
I feel confident that I will not run into a dealbreaker with you. We have different ways we expect others to treat us, but I think we have great similarity in the way we treat others, which is I think where our compatibility comes from. That and we're both just generally awesome. >.>

I'm sorry that things have been difficult for you lately. If it helps at all, I'm wicked excited about Spring Break, and am looking forward to having new experiences with you. :-D
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
Two weeks is a long time! Sounds so draining, hope you get through this and find peace with it soon. <3
elven_ranger ══╣╠══
Dont apologize, its fine, I am only just back as well after a break - through for different reasons.
twofootsmall ══╣╠══
I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you're as ok as you can be right now.

Your list of needs strikes a chord with me - I do admire your ability to identify and express these things.
volamonster ══╣descent of man╠══
My heart hurts for you going through something so painful. I understand completely the need for total honesty--for a lack of deceit.
zimtkeks ══╣╠══
I agree with you that all these things are dealbreakers. I'd add stupidity and hate (as in general negativity towards oneself or others, racism, sexism, etc.).

Sorry about the double post, I don't know what's up with LJ ...

I also wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds rough.
jaime_blue ══╣╠══
I'm so sorry to hear you're losing a friendship this way. *offers a few shrivelled, musty empathy cookies from laying exhausted facedown on the ground*

Additionally, please let me know if I exhibit any of those behaviors because they are NOT something I want in myself and would really appreciate honesty if you see them, and if you're up to it, discussion on how to improve myself.
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
I don't know if I have many absolute dealbreakers as I guess I'm always willing to listen and hear out what's going on with a person, and I can't rule out that a situation might come up where someone breaks the deal but are still worth having in my life. But yeah, to the extent that I do have them, these seem really close to my own. I'd put drama making in with manipulative behaviour (though I haven't really made an effort to define drama). I like the destructiveness of other living things. I have a hard time imagining myself getting close to someone who would kill insects, for example. They could be a periphery friend but I don't think that's the sort of person I could get really close to.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.