November 2017
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side effects of being medicated for ADD-PI / meaningful work is so much easier to focus on


icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"


I was worried that the heart flutters I was experiencing were due to my ADD meds, so I cut them in half for two days and forgot them entirely on the third. I then went back on them, but it was long enough to realize that there is a cumulative memory effect, which is SO STRANGE. On the fourth day, after being back on them, my memory was only slightly better than the 3rd day with none. I'm sure it's a short lived effect and it may be confirmation bias, but it reminded me of how awful it was to have no meds or insufficient meds, where I couldn't keep anything in my head.

Another thing is that my tendency to depression gets shifted oddly. Without meds, I do nothing and feel no motivation to do anything except a sort of wistful longing that turns into hopelessness and depression the longer it goes. While I am on meds, I feel impelled to do something constructive every day, and if I don't act on that, my stability goes downhill fast. But I have to decide on something and do it, because if I just get sucked into something and do a project that takes several hours, I feel like that time was wasted (even if it wasn't) because I didn't CHOOSE to do the thing, my brain took over and wouldn't let me go until I was done.

And there's a thing that I am pretty sure is not related to meds, with work: I feel good when I have a pile of work to do, and I get stressed out when that pile starts to get down to nothing. I think it's because I feel worried that they'll run out of meaningful work and start assigning me useless busy work. If the work is meaningful I am okay with dedicating 99% of my brain to it for hours on end, it's not hard to focus, and I enjoy it. If the work is meaningless, I can't manage to dedicate more than 70% of my brain to it, and that would make me desperately want to quit because I'd be so distracted that the time would creep by like molasses and I'd spend SO MUCH ENERGY trying to stay on task. And I don't want to quit. So I hope they have endless meaningful work for me, but I worry.

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Comments
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
I'm still really trying to get on ADD meds because this sounds just like the sort of spiral I experienced, doing nothing turning to hopelessness and blah. I guess they want to be assured that I'm stable in other ways before approaching that. I'd love to feel somewhat productive again and I've even read that ADD meds are sometimes used as a last resort for treatment resistant depression! There's definitely a connection there. Sometime at the end of high school my brain just rebelled against doing meaningless work or work that I couldn't fully/holistically understand the meaning of. It's been a while since I've been able to dedicate that much of my brain to anything,
belenen ══╣ADD-PI╠══
I hate how they regulate ADD meds as if they aren't as necessary for life as depression meds. There's finally been studies that show the link now, hopefully they get more aware within the field.
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
I love it when my pile at work starts dwindling down, lol. But that's because my tasks are very time sensitive. I'm constantly re-prioritizing everything from one minute to the next. And everyone wants their thing done immediately, omg.

But at least when it's busy it makes the day go by faster. And I am totally with you on the meaningless, busy work thing. I have to feel like my work is important, or else (1) I don't enjoy it and (2) feel like I'm wasting precious hours of my life, which can contribute to depression, which is not so good.

I hope your workplace stays busy and you get to stay there for as long as you like. :)
belenen ══╣ADD-PI╠══
Oh I am lucky that I rarely have time-sensitive projects so far. I hate deadlines and wouldn't want a pile of them EVER! *horror face*

thanks for the well wishes!
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
May I ask what the tag chemtrails is about? I'm not sure I'm familiar with this use of that word.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I just use it to mean when I am talking about anything that chemically affects my brain, like meds or alcohol or whatever.
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
My heart used to bound at random times and I eventually realized it was from emotional stress I've never experienced before. Perhaps something has got you excited? Maybe the new job?
belenen ══╣artless╠══
perhaps! I haven't experienced the heart flutters for a little while so hopefully they were just because of the huge level of stress at the time.
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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.