November 2017
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unorganized rant -- wanting a wild, color-drenched life


I feel like crying, sleeping, or watching tv. That last is really weird, 'cause I never just *want to watch tv*...... anyway.

What is going on inside my head? More importantly, how do I escape it?

I want to write a letter... but I don't know what to say, and I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up just to see them shattered like so many pretty colorful tiny glass bottles... I do know what to say actually, I just don't know if saying it is a good idea.

I want to be so special, so different, so deep, so ethereal and powerful... and at the same time, I know that with those things comes separation... 'cause most people don't want the risk that comes with being deep. Escaping pain is far more important to most people than experiencing life deeply. -------- I want LIFE!!! I want all of it, all the colors, even orange! -- and especially purple and red. I want the bitter, so that I have even more pleasure tasting the sweet, I want sour and salty and spicy -- oh yes, spicy. I want everything to be sprinkled with the tang of something new. I want to expect the best out of people and not be crushed if they fail. I want to be unafraid to scream in the mall if I feel like it. (as I often do, which is why I nearly never go there) I want to be secure that who I am is who I am, not a facade.

And I want to know for sure that the one person I know of who seems to live that deeply is not a hollow shell. I want to know for myself that it's not just a rare mask that appeals only to deep people. I want to know that it's possible to live so wildly and colorfully and PASSIONATELY!!! and I want to know... (I'm crying now) that what seems to be so much like me would react the same way as I and jump at the chance to connect with one like me...

feelings: sad and wishful

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Comments
anar_anar ══╣╠══
To live in this way doesn't have to be hard. Maybe painful, yes, but all for good reason.

I'm always here for you to talk to if you like.

I'd like to believe I'm the type of person you are describing, but I may just be an arrogant ass who "thinks" I'm all of those things and aren't really. Maybe.

But I doubt it... eehheh.

In any case...don't be sad... sadness.. sucks... and it's unproductive. You're more productive angry than sad...
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I think you are those things... I just hadn't thought about it before... and well... please don't be offended, I'm not trying to coerce you... I wish you shared my beliefs about God, 'cause that's the central part of who I want to be -- passionate in loving and seeking God. The people I see who honestly love God and want a relationship with him tend to be society-bound into sameness. I want to be both wildly colorful AND in love with God, but if I had to sacrifice one... well, the colorfulness would just have to go. So... I'm not sure if I explained that well enough.

And I'm sad because... there isn't much human support for a girl who wants both God and societal freedom. I know God would be delighted if I could shrug off all societal constraints and be free from worry about what others think... but I just can't quite believe that it can be done, since I haven't seen it...
anar_anar ══╣╠══
Granted what you're describing may be difficult to find, but I'm more than sure you would be able to handle it ;)

And I'm definitely not offended. One day I should write you a horribly long adn boring email explaining all my beliefs and whatnot regarding God. ahaha, most people are surprised, but I'm not terribly sure what you'd think.
belenen ══╣curious╠══
You should write me that email; I wouldn't be bored. I'm fascinated with other viewpoints -- different views of God helps me to reevaluate my own and weed out the religion that clings to my relationship. ;-)
anar_anar ══╣╠══
really ? ah. soon then. maybe tonight if I don't fall asleep ;)
evileve ══╣╠══
very painful. and very impermanent.
moderately is the only way.
wild moments(not an entire life) are the key.
trenchmeister ══╣╠══
Wild Life
Don't I know that feeling! If I get stuck inside for more than a day at home I get cabin fever. I can sit and watch movies or work on the puter for so long before I'm about to explode and need to just get out in the open air. I want to explore, learn and experience everything there is in life!

I'd have to say that my life has been anything but shallow. Needless to say "deep living" has had it's price. I've been divorced, remarried and father of four. I work full time in system administration and part-time as a clown in my own company.

My wife and I also share many passions. This is part of what started our clown company. We've only started to reach out to new avenues of our lives together and our relationship with the outside world. I do believe that everything has started paying off. Life is definitely colorful and bright! Spicy... definitely!

I hope you find your spice and color. Keep looking and you'll probably find it staring you right in the face. I'll be happy to help in any way I can.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
Being deep (at least to me) means being aware of and understanding and admitting to the fact that our true selves are filled with contradictions--contradictions that can easily tear us apart. I simultaneously love myself but hate myself, long for freedom but cling to comfort, want to be accepted but don't care what people think...

We are all so complicated that it's hard to be sure if we even truly know ourselves, much less try to understand each other. And it all bloody well hurts. But--another contradiction--it's exhilirating at the same time.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.