November 2017
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what mental issue is most difficult for me to talk about right now / how I morally contradict myself


icon: "honesty (me, outdoors, gazing straight at the camera with a solemn expression)"

What mental problem is the most difficult for you to speak about/work on right now? Why? (from here)

I'm not quite sure what is meant by mental problem but I will interpret it as emotional/psychological issue. Most difficult is probably feeling anxiety and stress. Talking about it does no good, so I really don't want to. I have already thought it all out and unless I am willing to take more medication, I don't see a relief for my anxiety or stress until I get a job with a living wage. I'm on the fence about medication because I don't want to add another drug and I am not ready to stop the bupropion. But I am planning on getting lemon balm supplement, which is supposed to help with general stress and anxiety (we'll see).

Have you ever morally contradicted yourself?

I think this refers to breaking my own moral code? and yes, absolutely. I break it every time I get starbux, because I consider them an evil company that I shouldn't be giving money to (bad labor practices, worse financial practices, and they put REAL coffeehouses out of business). But I do it anyway because I don't have a way to properly steam milk and so I don't feel like I can do the same ritual for myself, and starbuxes are everywhere. I try to always use my own mug, but when I forget it I often get a coffee anyway and create unnecessary waste including plastic waste which is the worst kind. I try to remember reusable bags but when I forget them I often get plastic bags. This breaks my core values of justice AND reverence.

Also, my value of reverence applies to all life, but I take antibiotics if I get sick and don't seem able to get better without them; I consider this a kind of genocide but I do it anyway. I also clean the toilet/sink/etc, which is the same thing. And I am not good at being open without invitation in face-to-face interactions, unless the other person gives me certain signals (not sure what those are exactly, but very few people do them).

A recent example of me breaking my moral code is that my mom gave me birthday money and I bought a set of mudra cards made by white people. This breaks my value of justice, because I am supporting the industry which is so filled with white people taking up space that there is literally less than 10% available literature on mudras made by people who actually inherited that wisdom. I think it is closer to 2%. I decided to get the cards anyway because I desperately want to learn them (I've been searching for some literature that was both affordable and ethical for about a year) and at least these cards aren't photos of white hands (they're drawings in the colors of the chakra that the mudra goes with). It's not a good enough reason -- I just did it because I wanted it more than I wanted justice. My reaction to this violation of my value is increased determination to find a way to give back. If any of you have ideas, please let me know.

There are a number of ways in which I do not live up to my own values, or don't live up to them consistently. I don't berate myself for it because that's useless and counterproductive; I just try to figure out a way to balance it or do better. Sometimes I do things that are wrong (usually regarding purchases) and I probably could stop myself... I just don't. I'm not really sure why. I suppose that's my selfishness coming out.

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Comments
lusimeles ══╣╠══
you have very high moral standards!

quick question: why the "x" for starbucks? i do it sometimes over text ("sbux") bc of laziness, but that's obviously not the case for your journal. (you don't have to answer if it's too personal - i'm just curious.)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
heh, I have no good reason -- it's just that I hate them as a company and don't want to reference them in an easily searchable way.
lusimeles ══╣╠══
Ha ha, totally fair. Thanks for answering!
ragnarok_08 ══╣Legend of Korra ★ chamomile pluto╠══
I know the feeling, of anxiety and stress and not wanting to talk about it. I haven't considered medication, as I'm on the fence of it as well.

I don't berate myself for it because that's useless and counterproductive; I just try to figure out a way to balance it or do better.

That's a good thing.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
if you do try a medication I hope it works well for you on the first try!
atmilliways ══╣╠══
Do you take any vitamin D? This was because I had a deficiency, but I started taking 2000 iu supplement gels a year ago (after my megadose 50,000 iu prescription ran out, I guess I was pretty deficient indeed) and it made a big difference. Not just my mental state too, I feel a lot better in the mornings and not too inexplicably queasy to eat breakfast. I still have anxiety and I am also on medication for that now, but when I forget to take the vitamin D I feel like I get a little out of whack. Maybe it would help you out too. :)

Regarding Starbucks, do you have any Peet’s Coffee places near you? They tend to have better quality drinks, but the baristas are somewhat more hit or miss. And they’re coming up with a members reward/customer loyalty program like Starbucks has soon, I hear, which is nice.
belenen ══╣brewing╠══
I do, actually -- I take 5000 iu softgels every day. I started it to prevent sunburn, and then learned that it is good for SAD and can decrease risk of cancer (which runs in my family) so I keep taking it.

We have a few other coffeeshops -- Caribou is my favorite of the chains -- but none are close, and the indie coffeeshops are usually lacking in space or hours or drivethru :-[ I miss the two indie coffeeshops which I was soooooooooo faithful to until they closed.
meri_sielu ══╣runes╠══
The fact that you strive to live up to your level of standards the way you do I think outweighs the small amount of mishaps and contradictions we all make here and there. I for instance am the same with shopping bags, I feel awful whenever I forget my bags for life and end up needing to buy more plastic carriers. I physically beat myself up over my carelessness but then I remember I really rarely forget my bags and I do try really hard and for me, they trying is what counts.
belenen ══╣console╠══
aw, I am sad to know that you are so hard on yourself. The trying and never giving up is so important and worth being pleased with yourself about <3
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.