October 2017
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yearning to be craved, desired, immersed, devoured.


icon: "concupiscent (a photo of Angelina Jolie, backlit in sunlight, licking honey off of their wrist while staring intensely into the camera)"

I yearn for someone to crave me. To want to put their hands on me and when they touch my skin, to forget themselves just a little and dig in with their fingertips because it feels so fucking good to have that contact. I want someone to intend just to give me a back pet in passing but then feel such magnetic pull that they stop, slide their hands around my waist, stroke my hips and grip them, kiss my shoulder, nuzzle my neck, wrap their arms around me, and bite me. I want someone to kiss me and get lost in it, forget everything else and revel in the sensation of my lips and tongue. I want someone to want to give me every pleasurable sensation, and to want to receive from me every pleasurable sensation. I want someone to want to be immersed in my energy, to want to feel my presence permeating theirs. I want someone to crave my hands on them and my lips on theirs and my body against theirs. I want them to want me to sink my teeth into them, to dig my claws into them. I want them to want to (for a short time) take over my self completely, and to want the inverse. I want them to want blending of energy within sex to the point that we're not sure which limb belongs to who, and I want them to be able to be present enough for that to be possible. I want them to want all of me, all of me, all of me, and I want them to want to share all of them, all. I want to intertwine with them and feel our breaths and our frequencies sync up.

All of this within the context of a mutually in-love relationship, not with any random person. I don't think I could want this with someone I wasn't in love with. I try imagining this with someone I am not currently in love with and my mind balks and throws darts at me. The feeling, if I am not in love, is that same jolt of badness that happens when I am touched with sexual intentions when I haven't had enough platonic loving touch. It's too shocking and intense to be enjoyable; the difference between sliding into a cool pool on a hot day or getting thrown into a cold pool on a freezing day.

I fall in love really easily, or at least I used to. I feel worried that that part of me is damaged with too many almosts that scalded me. I'm worried I've lost the knack of it. Strange I guess. I'm really afraid to hope.

If I can't fall in love again, if I've gotten too picky or too scared just too fuckin damaged, then I can't imagine wanting sex with other people any more. And I feel like there are so many things I barely got to try. The more I think about the idea of casual sex the more I hate it. I think it would make me feel nothing but a giant sense of loss and lack.

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Comments
medesign ══╣╠══
One of the reasons i can never do casual sex with someone is that i need that connection, if i dont feel anything for the person im not interested. If i cant have a decent conversation with them im not interested. Maybe some people are just wired differently. Nothing better imo then feeling that entangled...
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
*nods* I think some people use fantasy to cross the gap, but I can't do that, at least not anymore.
medesign ══╣╠══
.. ThAt entangled that you loose your sense of self and connect deeply.
Also i hate lj comment limits.
power_l ══╣╠══
How well written ...
belenen ══╣writing╠══
thanks!
delicatexflower ══╣misc-heart+infinite sign╠══

beautiful words. you know what you need & want. i think that's a step in the right direction. i have faith that you will find those special people who would do these things with you. ♥
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thanks sweet Angie *loooove*
zimtkeks ══╣╠══
Did you read my mind?
belenen ══╣artless╠══
*smiles*
jeune_fleur ══╣╠══
I feel the same and that might be pretty much the reason why I still haven't had sex with anyone. How I wish I could have something like that!
belenen ══╣artless╠══
*nodnod* I hope you do find it!
z8z8 ══╣╠══
Yeah I pretty much want the same thing, but you articulated it so very well
mac_arthur_park ══╣rose╠══
So beautifully expressed. Thank you for sharing.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thanks for the comment ;-)
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thank you. I hope you find it!
ragnarok_08 ══╣Original ★ dark grounds╠══
Yes, I feel the same way, and you put it all into such wonderfully expressed words :)
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thank you!
i_feel_i_sin ══╣╠══
You beautiful creature...
I'm sad that I am just now discovering your blog... but oh, the life of the demisexual. That kind of want is paramount. I can relate... I sincerely wish you hope of finding that kind of want from another.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: You beautiful creature...
thanks for the hope!

Demisexual means that I don't feel sexual desire for someone without feeling deeply connected to them in non-sexual ways first.
storminmay ══╣╠══
I love this, and I totally get it. Despite being in an open relationship, my two partners are my partners for that very reason -- the connection I have with both of them
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
*nods* I feel ya!
meri_sielu ══╣raven lovers╠══
These are all feelings I greatly relate to and I feel the same way, I would absolutely have to be in love with the person in a huge and very unique way to be able to achieve this connection. I worry I may never find that again with how damaged and hurt I currently am but maybe one day...
belenen ══╣healing╠══
I believe you will be able to find this again: I have faith in your ability to heal and reclaim yourself.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.