December 2017
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I usually prefer to process alone, in writing: Heather explains why this is odd


icon: "pensive (photo of me with a dark purple glitter goatee, looking down pensively with sunny woods in the background)"

When I have an issue and people ask if I want to talk about it, I feel like they're asking if I would like to do the dishes -- they're offering me a chore like it's meant to be a gift. I can feel that it is a gift for them and so I appreciate the intention, but I find it baffling that other people seem to want this. I prefer to process in writing, alone, unless the thing I am processing is a conflict with another person (then I prefer to do it with only them). I will process things with other people sometimes because I recognize it as a way of building intimacy and I value that, but it is always a sacrifice (because then I lose the motivation for a more nuanced exploration of it in writing). The only time I have actively wanted to process something with another person is if I feel like that person will have questions or ideas that open up deeper understanding for me, and that is extremely rare. Usually people only mention things I've already considered. I do find it validating for people to say "yeah that's shitty" but I find it an equal amount of frustrating, because I don't like to focus on things that can't be improved.

I talked about this with Heather and they said that that's not so rare for most people because most people haven't invested hundreds of hours in considering external perspectives. Which was a total perspective shift for me, haha, because I can't imagine that! It would certainly make processing with others a lot more useful! This is one of the things Heather is fantastic at: explaining to me the "normal people" stuff that I don't understand. I think Heather sees my oddities as oddities and therefore can compare me to normal people more easily than Kylei or Topaz can, even. I didn't even realize that I practice perspective-taking so regularly; it's as habitual as making faces (which is something I'm noted for among my in-person friends).

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Comments
medesign ══╣coffee╠══
Its great the way you express the way you look at things, which is a bigger perspective then most people can muster. Also It seems that you have some really good people in your life that understand the way you communicate or need to be communicated with and that helps alot. I myself often process things internally until I can make a decision about how I feel about them, after that I will often go to M to see if he has any perspective to offer that I may not be seeing. It definitely helps to have someone to bounce ideas off or for them just to listen when you need it.
belenen ══╣╠══
It is true that I have good people who respect my needs in communication <3 I am glad for it!
ragnarok_08 ══╣Original ★ autumnal╠══
I'm happy that you can express that way you look at things, and that you can talk to people about these things :)
belenen ══╣loving╠══
me too *smiles*
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
I can understand this. I used to talk about issues with others and usually the exact people I shouldn't have (probably to validate my fears, which I think is the norm for most people). Processing alone was hell for me because I didn't have confidence in my own inner guidance. Once I restored confidence I sought advice less and less from others. I know when to share my issues and receive suggestions. I've also become better at discerning who to talk to. And I'm just so fucking grateful for this shift.
belenen ══╣self-love╠══
mmm, yes, I've slowly been learning confidence in my own inner guidance too. *hearts!*
meri_sielu ══╣Aurora Borealis╠══
I have a 50/50 relationship with talking about my feelings to people. Of late, especially with recent events, it seems I open myself up and then recieve a lot of grief back when people don't agree with or like what they hear so I prefer a lot of the time to process my feelings here. I know people can still respond and offer their two cents but it never feels like so much of a chore to share over LJ, I suppose because I have the option to respond or not respond if that makes sense?
belenen ══╣writing╠══
Yes I know what you mean! It is so much less fraught to write here.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.