November 2017
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need to write also need to sleep ugh / off my ADD-PI meds so my focus and memory are out the window


icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"

Feeling a strong need to write, but don't have time and should have been asleep already as I have to be awake in 5 hours. Got distracted so many times.

I'm off my ADD-PI meds right now because due to some fucked up coincidence I missed my last psychiatrist appointment and they rescheduled me for three weeks later, and I have to actually go in for it because it's a 'controlled' med. I had been steady for over a year, so this has been really fucking with me. I had forgotten what a creative yet disastrous toddler my brain is without medication. I get an idea and just do it, even if I don't want to be doing it right then and I have the intention to do something else. The other day I hand-ground cinnamon with a mortar and pestle (because I hadn't done it before), organized my stationary box (because I had meant to put addresses on cards which I did not do), and rearranged furniture in the living room (because I was tidying and got distracted). Today I was pulling out makeup to bring with me for an event this weekend, and had to test all of the mascaras and eyeliners to see which ones worked (even though I wasn't planning on bringing any of them), and re-organized the box. None of this is to the level of compulsion, but when I don't have a Big Important Reason not to do it, I can't bring myself to stop these things that come to mind; it takes a MASSIVE effort of will. It's a little bit cute the first day, and then it gets increasingly stressful as my sleep schedule gets way fucked up and I get nothing important done and I feel like all my time is wasted and I start getting depressed about how I can't do things I need to do. I also worked on my resume for customer service (ugh) to apply to terrible jobs I don't want (ugh) because the ones I do want are very very slow to hire and I may not even get my application looked at for literally months (one of them said to allow for up to 180 days!!! SIX MONTHS). But then I got frustrated with the application asking me to enter all the shit in my resume into their fucking boxes and (saved and) quit.

Also my short-term memory is already significantly worse and the impact of forgetting to eat is much stronger. I was feeling anxious and lonely and hopeless all of a sudden after getting home today and not sure why because I had taken my anxiety medication. After eating I felt okay again and realized that I have to be much more careful because the effects of not eating go from making me feel a little off to making me feel really awful.

There's all this other stuff I wanna write about but I do have to force myself to go to bed now if I don't want a shit tomorrow.

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Comments
cactus_rs ══╣Cancer╠══
*hugs* I hope you get your medication sorted soon. I hear you on not doing anything productive and then suddenly the "where did the day go I am the worst" spiral into bullshittery.
belenen ══╣ADD-PI╠══
thank you, I finally did get my ADD meds again.
ghostwriter ══╣Me in Spirit╠══
Very sorry to hear how you are feeling since being off your meds. I remember I had trouble more with OCD years ago, mainly thoughts racing in my mind preventing me from sleeping, and also just seeing something like a bit of dirt on the floor here, then I would spend the next many hours cleaning the whole apartment. I would just get so focused on a narrow thought and not be able to escape it. I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. It was caused by my life at the time, my job and other things. I'm sorry you have to wait so many weeks until your rescheduled appointment. : (
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you for the empathy <3
colesdragon ══╣socks╠══
Ugh I remember applying for jobs and getting increasingly frustrated that they have their own "forms" online for you to essentially type in EVERYTHING on your resume. And then, at the end, they have you also upload your resume.
belenen ══╣dammit╠══
INORITE???
banderils ══╣Grey╠══
"I get an idea and just do it, even if I don't want to be doing it right then and I have the intention to do something else."

I can relate to this all too well and also to the not getting things done and feeling depressed about it!

phantoms ══╣╠══
I hope you are able to get your meds sorted soon & start to feel better...best of luck with the job applications!
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
thank you!
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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.