November 2017
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LJI topic 1, I need the struggle to feel alive: no, I feel alive despite the struggle. I seek safety


icon: "feminist (the trans-feminist fist symbol colored in a rainbow gradient, with the words "intersectional or bullshit" on top)"

I cannot relate to feeling like you need to add more danger or stress to your life in order to feel fully alive; I think you have to be damned cozy in your privilege to feel that way.* Certainly a lot of people are that cozy, which is why shit like volcano surfing exists. Some people actually get adrenaline jolts so rarely that they find them fun!? I can't imagine.

My daily life is a struggle. I struggle to maintain my identity through being constantly assigned gender and having my sexuality and relationships erased any time I am around people (other than my closest). I struggle to make enough money to feed myself and pay my bills. I struggle to maintain relationships because literally all of my people are drained constantly by oppression & other hardships. I struggle to understand what people are saying, both because of my auditory processing issues and because I am extremely literal. I struggle to feel understood and valued when the best parts of me seem to go undesired and unnoticed. I struggle to be social because it takes so much out of me and so often gives little back.

I am privileged in significant ways (being white, physically non-disabled, cis-passing, & college-educated) and yet still, I struggle every day. I don't want to struggle; the more I am struggling, the less I can give. I want my struggles to decrease so that I can give more. I want to be able to help others and not need to spend all of my resources on my own mere survival. I know that I will have to work to maintain empathy with others if/when my own struggles decrease, but I am not concerned because I am more dedicated to doing that than I am to life itself.

What makes me feel alive is not when I am wrestling with some issue. I feel most alive when I can put aside my struggles for a little while and rest in my little bubble with just my safe people who I know are going to do their best to not use slurs, infringe on consent, or enforce damaging norms. Oppressed and marginalized people don't get to feel fully alive very often. I want change this, so I create safer spaces when I organize events and I work to improve those spaces that I don't control.

---

*there are other reasons to seek out danger or the simulation of it, I know: depression for instance can be so numbing that a shock of any feeling is a relief.

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Comments
topum ══╣pic#125858796╠══
Yeah, people are dealt different lives (some are much more comfortable than ours, some much less so), different struggles and different challenges. Sometimes other peoples' lives can look really strange to us.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
It always looks really strange at first. That's why the more exposure to variety, the better of a person you are -- if you accept that all varieties of people could be you but for an accident of fate.
lilmissmagic71 ══╣╠══
Nicely done, enjoyed the different perspective on the topic!
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
thanks!
tonithegreat ══╣╠══
I like the way you challenge the assertion of the topic. I'm a wrestler-with-things, myself, so it's a different perspective, but an enlightening one.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you
veritas_st ══╣╠══
Heartfelt and real! Thank you for that read.
xx
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks for reading *smiles*
eternal_ot ══╣╠══
I liked how you turned the topic upside down, while passing on a great message with it. Cheers to that thought of helping others!
belenen ══╣writing╠══
thanks! cheers!
proceedcyclone ══╣Lyrics: WWHT╠══
I like what you did with the topic.

I also agree; though I'm privileged in many ways, I frequently feel anxiety and, therefore, don't seek out adrenaline-rushing experiences as the feelings are too similar for me and, therefore, I've never quite understood other people's attraction to them.

-Tia
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks!

I feel you!
murielle ══╣╠══
Fascinating twist on the prompt.

My take-away is that when I look around me at the so-called privileged, and so-called average people, to remember that I only see the surface, what they choose to show me, and I can't know their inner struggles, so I can't judge them, or their journey.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
thank you!

I don't judge people based on their privilege, as no one chooses that. But I judge people if they don't use their privilege for good, and I judge them very harshly if they use their privilege for evil.
baxaphobia ══╣╠══
I'm happy that you have some people you can be safe around. That's so important when you struggle every day. Relief is a good thing! Keep those safe spaces and people close! Believe me I hear you in many respects!
belenen ══╣giving╠══
It really is important! thank you for being happy for me *hearts*

icon: "giving (two cartoon figures: one fills in a heart with red marker on its chest while the other watches. Then the other points at it and "...?" appears as a thought above it. The one with the heart on it smiles and glomp-hugs the other, who looks startled, then blushes and hugs back. The first one pulls away again and the heart has been copied onto the second one's chest. both smile. image repeats.)"
thepheenixeyri ══╣Sarah-lou╠══
There's this song; it's called Hallalui; you'd know it.

I listened to both Leonard Cohen and Jeff Buckly's v ersions, and both speak of struggle-differently.

But now I want ot make a version that speaks of the struggles of minorities, and the marginalized like us-the transgendered the visible, and )especially) the nonvisibly disabled-the discrimiations.

Because music touches, right, so why mnot?

This said-I feel you. For more than one reason, and I send you sympathies and hugs.

-P~
belenen ══╣connate╠══
Yes, I think that would be an amazing and very powerful remake of that song! Thank you for this comment and the sympathies.

[icon: "connate (the characters Keenan and Joan from "Playing By Heart," facing each other with their faces so close that their noses almost touch, both with eyes almost closed, wearing slight smiles)"]
halfshellvenus ══╣╠══
I have to admit, when I saw this topic the first thing I thought of was histrionics-- long before depression. To need struggle in order to feel alive does tend to convey a sense of privilege in a lot of cases.

For those who really ARE struggling, for whatever reasons... it would be really nice to simply be able to stop.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Yes! Even being able to take a little break is just vital.
penpusher ══╣╠══
This is a really good beginning. I would ask, what would reduce the struggle, in what ways could society be more of a support system than a hindrance to living your best life - and aren't there ways, like really simple, small changes that people could do right now, with no harm to themselves, to help make that happen?
belenen ══╣artless╠══
There are a lot of small meaningful ways I reduce the struggle: I self-educate so that I don't hurt people with my ignorance, I change my language so that I don't hurt people with it, I take care in the way I spend money so I am not contributing to harm any more than I have to, etc. I do dearly wish others would do the same.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.