September 2017
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time w Evelyn: they speak my language & believe in me / positively overwhelmed / playing by heart


icon: "connate (the characters Keenan and Joan from "Playing By Heart," facing each other with their faces so close that their noses almost touch, both with eyes almost closed, wearing slight smiles)"

So since I last wrote about them I've had two dates with Evelyn, and both times they came to my house AND there was no big struggle to plan or need to reschedule. There's not even been occasion to question whether or not they wanted to come over, because it required so little effort on my part, comparatively. Unfortunately a lot of it has fallen into the cracks of my memory already, so this is just gonna be a mishmash of impressions from what I can remember.

When they first arrived, I opened the door while standing behind it like I always do because my neighbors are terrible and I'm never wearing anything over my boobs at home unless I'm sick or really cold, so they walked in and there was a pause while I shut the door and then they made a tentative reaching motion while I started to ask if they wanted a hug -- I may have gotten it out or maybe not -- and I snatched them into a hug. And I wanted to cry because it felt like such a relief, but I was also in shock and not fully convinced they were actually there. I felt relief and gladness from them too.

At one point later when we were cuddling they said "you're real" in a tone of wonder and I felt so much resonance with it I felt like screaming, like there were not enough ways to express how extremely and exactly I felt that. Those few hours we spent together that day included a lot of cuddling and talking about the last time we saw each other in November and how it was painful for both of us, and expressions of gratitude on both sides for being reunited. A lot of kisses and sweetness and a lot of frank and occasionally painful discussion.

I once again feel able to be just utterly blunt with them. I don't have fear of being misunderstood, when we're in person. Do you know what that is like for me? it is so unbelievably fucking rare. I don't have to phrase things carefully. I have this with Topaz and Hannah, and I had it for a little while with some others but usually, I will think I have it for a little bit and then I will realize I was just lucky for a while. For one thing, people's thoughts don't run like mine, so my natural language doesn't make sense to them. For another thing, most people are unable or unwilling to accept when their logical interpretation of what I said is nonetheless not what I meant. That means I have to be really careful to always say only what I mean, or else I feel like they won't trust me. I have literally said the exact opposite of what I meant before and I am so fucking lucky and relieved that Topaz responds by saying "this seems out of character, is that really what you meant?" and then when I say no, god no, they accept that completely and we move on as if I said it the correct way the first time.

I don't know if Evelyn could or would do this because it hasn't happened yet, but I feel like they could and would because of how they have reacted to less extreme examples. And I can words-cloud with them -- that thing when I can't make sentences to express a thing, but I can create a cloud of words and phrases and images and they know what it means. And even though they can't bring themselves to believe that what I say is true when I talk about how this or that aspect of them is wonderful or enchanting, they do believe that I mean it.

I'm realizing in writing this that being trusted to be truthful even if it doesn't make logical sense is vital to me. Because I am truthful, but sometimes I don't make sense. I think that's one of the things that hurt me so much about Kylei -- they would never believe me when I told them how I valued them and wanted time with them, despite all the proof I offered. It just felt like a constant invalidation of my core self, to not trust in my love and my dedication. I need to know that the people I love believe in my love, believe in my dedication, believe in my truthfulness. Else being around them makes me feel a dissolving of my self-hood and my own faith in my worth.

I told them that I'm still building up my tolerance to their presence because right now it makes me too drunk. They made a little face at that first phrase and then laughed when I finished it and asked me to explain. I explained that being around them is so overwhelmingly positively stimulating that I quickly hit a peak at which I cannot parse all the stimuli. And it's quite pleasurable but it's like being drunk and I don't want to be drunk all the time I want to have use of all my brain. I want to be able to notice all the different pieces instead of having them blend together and overwhelm me. And they seemed to understand this and not take offense at my strange phrasing and essentially complaining that they make me feel too good.

I also keep getting overwhelmed by all the experiences I want to have with them but I can't do them all at once and it feels like there is so little time. And I know a part of it is this fear in the back of my mind that they're going to disappear any moment and if I haven't done the things yet I won't ever have the chance, but I do not want to do any of the things out of fear, not even out of fear of no future chances. So I actually end up moving slower toward those things because I am resisting the shoving of fear. I know it hasn't even been two weeks yet and that fear will fade.

We watched Playing By Heart last time I hung out with them and that was not fun. I got a glimpse of what it's like to watch a problematic favorite with me because they did the thing I do of engaging with it through critique. And I mean, it was valid, but it was also just not what I wanted to talk about. I wasn't watching it as a piece of art but as a story, as if the people were real and I was just happening into a glimpse of their lives. I allow film writers extreme leeway on their realities because I watch for characters. (I mean, if I watched for plot I'd never in a million years watch Grey's Anatomy, but I love that show so much for the characters and I have watched the whole thing twice and multiple seasons more than three times) Evelyn explained that they were critiquing it because they liked it, that they don't engage with stuff they don't like, and I know that exact thing because I do it, just on different elements. I think we probably don't have compatible watching styles but that's fine with me if that is the case because I don't want to watch more media, I want to reduce my intake.

This Friday we have a plan for me to go to their house and hang out with them and their spouse, who I've yet to have any real conversation with. I started freaking out yesterday because Evelyn was talking to me in a way that made it seem like I was supposed to be on my best behavior, so to speak? being polite, talking about inconsequential shit? and I'm terrible at that and I already spend so much fucking time and energy on it with work and Topaz' family and to some extent my biofamily. The idea of adding respectability to the one part of my life that didn't yet have it in it was just awful. I expressed this (in less extreme terms) and they checked with their spouse and confirmed that it was okay for me to just be me in all my *waves hands* non-neurotypical impolite glory, I guess. So, I'm still nervous but not stressed out, and I feel hopeful that it could be really lovely.

I've more to say but it shall go in my sextalk filter. Opt in or out.


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.