July 2017
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moving / Wynnes / Kaylene


on moving: three days of headaches from the stress. I have a very hard time when my possessions aren't all in one place, apparently -- probably because my brother and sister were both kleptos, and I got used to defending what was mine -- and I don't trust scatterbrained J. & E. with my stuff. And this room is suitable, but tinytinytiny... it's about 8ft by 8ft, maybe a few more inches -- so with a room half the size of the old one, and only one closet instead of two, it's been difficult to manuver everything into a decent look.

And I've been desperately trying to get in touch with Kaylene -- I have a very full hefty-bag of her clothes, and some jewelry and photos (which I know are important to her) that I have no place to store. (I don't even have space for my lamps, as much as I love them -- they're in the car until somebody decides they want to borrow them.) Right now her photos are stored carefully, but her clothes are in the trunk of my car. However, I ran into Lee and Patricia (her ex's parents, who she's fairly close to) tonight, and they said they heard from her a few weeks ago, so I feel a little more confident that I can get in touch with her now -- plus, for some reason today her home phone # worked. But she can't contact me right now 'cause I have no internet or phone (this post is backdated) so I'll have to try calling her again. Blah.

And my Momi lives right down the street! That makes me so happy. I would have already decided to get out of here if it hadn't been for the Wynnes... but they need me (and want me) and I want to help as much as I can. They are so wonderful. Thursday we went over to say "hi, we're officially your neighbors" and Spencer was just... delighted to see us. Not delighted in a bouncy happy way of course -- delighted in a quiet, pleased, light-hearted way. I think it has taken a lot of stress off of him that we're here -- 'cause Paula needs someone nearby, and Spencer has to take William to all of his track stuff (my little brother is going to be in the junior olympics, and he broke records in qualifying meets -- with a cut knee that needed stitches but got taped! I'm so proud of him!). So anyway, Spencer offered us dinner (he had made steak, baked potatoes and collards) and he knows I don't like steak, so he offered me some of his fried catfish -- he is such an awesome cook.
I can't explain how much it means to me that he knows my preferences and likes me for them... it just makes me feel so glad to be me. Like it's even a good thing that I have dislikes and don't hide them. I think what you dislike is as important as what you like in defining who you are. [It's cool that I love purple and silver -- but it is even more me that I hate orange and gold. (sorry Elanor -- I just do)] ... And if dislikes are just as important as likes, then it's denying a part of myself to hide my dislikes. But to get back to the point, Spencer appreciates my dislikes as much as my likes. I love love love that. Who else is that way.... probably just Ben and (previously) Rebecca. Maybe Kaylene...

will I ever stop missing her??? I'm so tired of it! Why can't I just think maybe we'll be friends in the future, when she's grown up some and put her out of my mind? I think I felt a little bit of what people must feel when they get divorced when I went through the garage looking for her stuff (so J. & E. wouldn't throw it away)... I picked up the bag of her clothes and almost cried, 'cause they all smelled like her, and it made me miss her so much, and wish she'd just... try. Our friendship was just so awesome, so exactly what I had wanted -- I wanted a friend who was passionate about everything, had definite opinions that didn't change no matter who was around -- and I wanted a friend who would be like me in that I could just ask "do you want a deep, close friendship with me?" and have her answer honestly, because honesty was more important to her than how I felt.... And yeah, I did ask that question, she did say yes, and we did instantly plunge in to the deepest relationship I've ever had (except with Ben). Now WHO, I ask you, WHO do you know that would take that question seriously and honestly, and not even consider it a little weird? and who'd have the guts to say yes, after I had laid out the boundaries (pure honesty and being committed to working out problems)? ..........so what happened? She had a lot of painful, stressful stuff happen to her in the space of a month, and decided that living deep hurt too much, so she pulled back into her shell. Then she moved back to her mom's for the sake of free rent, and we just lost contact. I don't blame her -- in her situation I probably would have done the same. If God hadn't shattered my shell, I'm sure I'd still pull into it every now and then. But oh, how I wish things could have been different... and yet I believe that everything happens for a reason, so most likely this is the way that she'll grow the most... sigh...


I visited Paula today... and the babygirl kicked for me! Paula says she doesn't kick for most people (including Gabe and June) but she did for me! Twice! Such an awesome feeling!!! I love this baby soooooooo much. I can't wait to meet her. She's a little warrior spirit, I can feel it. And coming from Paula and Spencer, she'll probably be gorgeous, with skin like milk chocolate and round limpid eyes like Paula... hopefully she gets Paula's nose -- Paula has one of the most gorgeous noses I've ever seen. And attractive noses are rare! (if you didn't know, I dissect people and notice things that most people don't bother to look at, like ears and noses. I think my ears are the most beautiful I've ever seen, though Allison's are cute too) (I vacillate on my own nose -- sometimes I like it, and sometimes I hate that my nostrils always show unless I have my head tilted down.) Enough rambling. I'm going to be driving Paula to the doctor's once a week, and probably visiting her once a day... and for some reason she wants me to organize the bookshelves downstairs in a room she never goes in. I suspect it's her "I'm independent, and thus can't need anybody (but I do)" excuse to have me around.
feelings: stressed
connecting: ,


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Comments
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.