September 2017
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this is old and mostly about Evelyn


I had an idea I was following pretty well at the beginning of the year: doing daily summaries of the best, worst, and weird of my day. I'm gonna do that again but dump the stuff from february through mid-march here first so I don't have to look at the time gap.

17-2-1
Best: seeing Austra perform, with Allison! Connecting with the keyboardist through gazing and dancing. Feeling the connection between Katie & drummer & keyboardist. Feeling the passion and earnestness of all of them. Worst: waiting through the super-mediocre maybe-racist opener "the range."
17-2-2
Best: getting some sweet hugs from Topaz and then watching Cr*zy Ex-Girlfriend w them. Worst: feeling like one of my coworkers thinks I am incompetent, due to not actually paying attention to me -- but after discussing it w Topaz I think I'm taking stuff too personally.
17-2-3
Best: how I responded to Evelyn's email, defending myself and asserting my needs. Worst: having to pay an unexpected and unfair $85 for less than a month without car insurance last year, as well as an unexpected $155 for replacing brake pads.
17-2-4
Best: making out with Abby, Malia, and Liam at the make-out party! And kissing Sam, Jeff, and Aaron. Worst: cleaning out my car of horrifying trash and two huge bags of recycling, and it STILL being a mess after. Cleaning out my car is weirdly almost-traumatic for me and I don't know why.
17-2-5
Best: Topaz made me delicious 7-layer dip and berry cream to take to work. Also, weirdly, getting an email from Evelyn that frankly admitted that everything I had thought was true was in fact true.
17-2-8
Best: talking w Evelyn on the phone and getting all the past settled and laying a foundation for future connection. Worst: Topaz got a terrible email that impacted them badly, and also I wasn't expecting to be on the phone with Evelyn so long and Topaz got worried about why I wasn't responding.
17-2-9
Best: going to dinner w Topaz & their parents, who treated us to our meals and gave me a literally-perfect present: a glass orb with a tree in it in vivid violet, spring green, and bright scarlet! Worst: being completely out of money and low on gas.
17-2-10
Best: time with Evelyn!  Lots of talking and cuddling, lots of sharing important things and lots of makeouts and sexytimes too. It felt so fucking good to reconnect and know that I wasn't making it up, that we have an amazing connection and they do feel it like I do. That they love me like I love them. They had difficult but necessary discussions with Quinn beforehand, and endured a horrendous drive to my house. They believed everything I said about how I feel, and told me about their past, including some traumas.  They kissed me lots and bit me, hugged me tightly and petted me. They expressed that they want to know me, and said "may we never run out of new questions to ask each other." Worst: later that night, Topaz bit me while I was busy and distracted and I snapped at them to stop, and this hurt their feelings a lot. I apologized and tried to comfort them but it was 3am and I didn't do a good job, and I fell asleep while they were still sad.
17-2-11
Best: finding an amazing black jersey knit/lace overshirt and a white supersoft lace overshirt at Ross. Worst: waking up to a very sad Topaz and having a hard time convincing them of my love and the sincerity of my cuddles. Weird: getting my bridesmaid dress at David's Bridal and feeling totally out of place yet able to pay without stress.
17-2-12
Best: having a long text conversation with Evelyn about types of orgasms, energy centers, potential plans to meet up, how we use language, and my dragon dung brownies. Worst: feeling really impatient to talk with Evelyn all day until we had that text conversation. Weird: Topaz being stressed about me connecting w Evelyn because Topaz is worried they're going to hurt me again.
17-2-14
Best: going to Candice's discussion group! No sour notes, very trans inclusive. Meeting amazing people (Ife/eefee, Khye, Taylor, Caitlyn, and Natasha again), having deep meaningful conversation and feeling included and valued, feeling community and like it's okay to be me. Natasha talked about RA-style dedication in friendship and I thought, we would connect wonderfully. Worst: having to back into oncoming traffic after getting stuck and having a crying breakdown after.
17-2-21
Best: getting my name change approved! Worst: a default pulling up beside me and yelling "white power" while making the hitler salute
17-2-24
Best: finally having a real conversation with Quinn. Especially when I told them that I'd been thinking they were cool and wanting to be their friend and they blushed and covered their face with their hands. Worst: stressing all day about time w them and Evelyn, especially after we started hanging out when Evelyn was making small talk. Also, not getting any one-on-one time w Evelyn and them seeming not to care.
17-2-25
Best: seeing Topaz at last! Also, texting w Quinn about important and interesting stuff. Worst: don't remember.
17-2-26
Best: time w Topaz. Worst: realizing I missed Allison's shower yesterday, texting them w apologies and worrying about their response. Feeling awful that I let them down when they've never let me down.
17-2-28
Best: making shisha for Quinn's visit the next day.
17-3-1
Worst: Quinn cancelled. Best: texting w Quinn about spirituality, media, & the construction of identity. Weird: Evelyn was distressed to not have alone time because Quinn stayed home.
17-3-3
Best: getting ready for Candice's bday party. Worst: not feeling up for going to the party after all.
17-3-4
Best: trying IC Hot ice cream w Topaz. Worst: fighting w Evelyn via text because I asked for reassurance that they're not getting in the same stuck pattern from last summer.
17-3-5
Best: figuring out how to make fluffy french toast, making it for Topaz, and them enthusing over it. Worst: feeling in limbo w Evelyn and expecting a breakup.
17-3-6
Best: Evelyn reaches out and shares something very vulnerable, and we have a deeply meaningful discussion about it. Also, my psychiatrist trusting me and raising my ADD meds as requested. Worst: feeling horrendously tired, being unmedicated, waiting on my meds at the pharmacy for fucking ever.
17-3-11
Best: Evelyn comes over, and we have amazing talks and cuddles and we wrestle for the first time and at one point I'm squishing them, they put their hands on my lower back and it sends shockwaves through me.



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sabr ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.