December 2017
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ready for a change


Today has been SUCH a terribly boring day. With June here, Paula doesn't really need me (except to drive occasionally) so I'm just kinda being here. And honestly, at this point I'm just counting the hours until I have internet at my own house so that I have more to do than beadweave. (Ben says he's getting it set up tomorrow)

It was so the opposite two weeks ago. I was anxious to be with Paula and I hated to leave -- but now I'm realizing that she just simply does not want to spend energy on a friendship with me. Like most people I know, she sees it as normal to have friends that don't really invest in each other but simply enjoy each others' company when they happen to meet. I call that 'casual friendship' and I'm incapable of it. I can pretend to enjoy the company of a casual friend, but I'd rather either drop you out of my life or have a deep relationship with you. I can't love just a little -- I've tried. Every time I try to 'love just a little' I end up loving deeply. And I don't want to waste my love on someone who can't appreciate it. So, I've decided to withdraw my emotional investment from Paula and if/when she decides there is a hole in her life that she'd like to fill with me, I'll be happy to try again. But one-sided love is unhealthy (and contrary to popular opinion, not what God wants Christians to do; we are not supposed to invest in relationships that don't grow) and I refuse to be drawn in. I do not need a mother, I do not need a family, and I will stop seeking them.

I still love them, oh, so much -- but while Gabe and William are my little brothers, Paula (and Spencer?) does not want to make that kind of commitment. As is of course her decision, and I don't fault it. I've moved on (mostly) from the desire for Paula to be my mother, but I'd still like to be realfriends with her -- but she, as far as I can tell, doesn't. It's too scary. Spencer I really can't tell, but the point is 'moo' (as Joey would say, "like a cow's opinion"), 'cause if I'm not friends with Paula I can't be friends with her husband -- instinctual jealousy would arise. *sigh* Trust; such a hard thing to give when you've had it stolen before.

feelings: bored
connecting: ,

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Comments
karmia ══╣╠══
Relationships are like plants: the attention required to allow one to flourish will drown another to the point that it wilts. You can have a garden solely made of one type of high maintenance orchid, and it will be a beautiful garden, but you're forgetting about the beauty of other simpler, hardier plants. Just because someone can't invest as much in a relationship as you want doesn't mean the relationship isn't worthy of your attention at all, no matter how much you protest that you can't love that way. Maybe this is God's way of showing you that love comes in many forms, it's just a matter of you learning how to love in ways different than what comes as first nature to you.
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
I don't look at it that way. To me, relationships are two-way. It has to do with trust and maturity levels. The more you are able to trust, the deeper your relationship goes. If you aren't mature enough to risk trusting, you can only have casual relationships. And once you are at the point where trusting is a choice you can make and keep, then you give trust to your friends, upon the decision to have a friendship. When they don't give it back, the relationship is one-sided, and just plain fails. Asking the more trusting one to withhold to make it even is like asking an adult to be satisfied with playing with blocks -- it doesn't work. Not matter how hard the adult tries, playing with blocks is something s/he outgrew, and there is no longer anything to be learned from the experience.

I have casual friendships -- but only because I have the hope of them one day blossoming into real friendships.
karmia ══╣╠══
But I don't see the lack of trust in your relationship with Paula. Granted, I don't know the entire situation, but if she's busy (which all mothers are), it's not the same as her not trusting you and seeing you as a confidant or what have you. You can trust someone and still not always have time to nurture the relationship fully. In fact, it's almost a sign of MORE trust that way-- for instance, I have friends that I love having the chance to be around, talk to, get to know better, but I know that they're still there even if that's not happening, that I can still trust them through and through, even when they're busy or I'm busy and the relationship, to outsiders, might seem casual.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.