July 2017
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a demon in me / the Cobra and the little girl / why I can't believe / trusting God


This theophostic stuff is exhausting. Today we unearthed a demon who I let separate my soul and spirit so that I would not feel my spirit's pain. That's pretty freaky, right there. All this time I'm like, "Why can't I connect with myself? What is it that keeps me continually feeling half-alive?" So we found it. And at first he was arrogant and hissing at John, saying that John didn't have the authority to make him leave (which he didn't, 'cause I had given him that power) and he had his hand clenched around my heart. After I prayed, saying that I renounced the agreement, and commanded him to stop separating my soul and spirit, he let go of my heart like it burned his hand. But he still was arrogant, and John made him confess why he still had power, and he said that he had control of my ankles (and laughed). Apparently I made a contract, in deeds, not words, with this demon to keep me from falling (or failing) because I didn't trust the path that God wanted to lead me on. In return, the demon got to keep me away from living a full life. When I renounced that agreement, he crossed his arms and pouted, but didn't leave until John commanded him to in Jesus' name. Then he started to slink out like a resentful dog, and my spirit got irritated and also commanded him to go (in a shouting internal voice), and then he fled.

This stuff is a stretch even for me... seeing these things inside me without seeing them. It's like theophostic is in a sense teaching me to see the spiritual world (as well as cleansing me). My mind is in two main parts right now. One is a huge gorgeous white cobra, which when standing is six-feet-tall (not counting the coils) -- she inspires near awe in me when I see her. I'm just amazed that part of my mind is so incredibly beautiful. She kind of shimmers iridescent, and she projects a strength and wisdom that makes me love her. (the cobra isn't what I'd have expected, I like cobras but they aren't my favorite) The other part of me is a starved four-year-old girl. She is so delicate, with huge dark circles under her eyes and an intense, frightening vulnerability. The cobra wraps her up and holds her; and since she doesn't have much strength, the little girl sleeps almost all the time. And the cobra protects her, and hides the memories that would hurt the little girl. Unfortunately, you can't stitch up a wound when it has bandages over it, so all that stuff has to come up and be healed, one by one.

I now understand why I have such a hard time believing this stuff, and why so many of the memories don't make sense. John explained that my mind is trying to hide these memories, and the best way to do that is to make me believe that they aren't real. So these memories that are coming up have false images superimposed on them. (In a memory today I realized that I didn't recognize the man in the memory because my mind has superimposed an image of a Ken doll over him to make the memory seem nicer, prettier. It had also superimposed a picture of the wrong house to make me disbelieve the memory -- after some peeling we discovered this) He says that after I go through a memory that I truly believe, it will open up everything -- and it will hurt, but it will all heal much faster then. And how will I be able to believe the memory? I'll feel the pain of it. I both look forward to that and dread it. And I dread that one fact, whatever it is, that leads to the avalanche...

But after I'm healed, then I can believe that rape is not the annihilation of a soul, and that healing is possible, and I will be able to trust God fully for the first time. After all, how can you trust God if you feel like he lets humans utterly destroy other humans? He's all powerful, and killing someone else's soul should be where he draws the line, right? But if rape isn't the killing of a soul, if it is a terrible destruction that nonetheless can be healed on earth, then I can believe that he allows free will even to that point. And I believe that those who survive rape and don't give up on life are the most beautiful, strong, powerful people that live. As bad as whatever I went through may be, when I am healed I will be proud to be one of the glowing ones.
feelings: determined
connecting: , ,


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.