July 2017
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risa's birth / unhappiness
Tuesday -- Ben woke me before he left, with a note he'd found under the windshield wiper of the car. It reads,
"4:46 pm
Aug 29, 2004
6lb 12oz
Rm 433"

That's it. Since this was proof that babygirl WAS born on Sunday and nobody bothered to think about me, I cried. Not until Ben left, though, 'cause I didn't want him to have a lousy day worrying about me. Then I fell asleep and dreamed about the Wynnes, about Paula wiping something acidic on my face as punishment for picking up Risa without asking.

I've spent the last two months taking care of Paula, I've told her that I wanted to be there when Risa was born, I told her that I wanted to be the first non-family to hold Risa (to which she replied, "That would be kinda hard," meaning that she didn't want it to happen. What Paula wants concerning this baby will happen, and she knows that) ... and yet nobody bothers to leave a note or drop by (our house is on their way out of the neighborhood, for goodness sakes). I'm very hurt. Helen's already been there (and held Risa, dammit!!!) and maybe Danica, 'cause I saw her on Sunday, which means she was in town (she lives in Tennesee). There just plain isn't any spare room in their hearts for me. How much I wish I could be in Danica's place! She's the one Paula wanted to spiritually adopt and then wanted to name her baby after -- and she's white too.

I suspect that Paula didn't want me to be there and chose the method of not informing me so that I wouldn't be there. I know Paula; if she had wanted me to be there she would have moved heaven and earth to get me there -- at least on MONDAY. She didn't even ask June to leave a note (and they took separate cars, if those few seconds would have been critical).

I don't know. I've tried what I could to show them that I'm trustworthy, but Paula still doesn't want to let me into her heart -- and maybe Spencer feels the same way. WHYWHYWHYWHY??? Just throw me a damn bone, okay? Otherwise I'm trapped in this, "I'm tired of being left out -- but I don't want to just drop them" thing that is so painful... Oh wait, they did throw me a bone. If you could call it that, it's more like a piece of gristle; this note informing me clinically that Risa has been born. Y'd think he could spare a few nonessential words. Does this sound stupid to you? Am I overreacting? Does my constant giving all that I could not merit being informed that they were going to the hospital? Or that they were there? They informed HELEN, who calls once a week, but not me.

FVCK.
feelings: hurt and a little angry
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rhaniha ══╣╠══
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.