November 2017
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tattered faith


I feel like a butterfly trapped in the hands of a child; trying to get out is destroying my wings, but I can't resist trying. I literally have the urge to run around my room and throw myself at the walls. Or simply beat my body so that it cracks open like an eggshell and releases my spirit.

My faith, as I mentioned before, is struggling. Not my faith that God is, but my faith that he loves me especially. And especially my faith in my prayers is weak; I feel like I just don't believe enough to give my prayers the lift-off they need to reach God. And yes, I know he's here with me always; my head knows all the answers, but my heart says, "those aren't good enough. Let's see some proof, some physical proof in my own life that I can't deny or rationalize away, real proof that God loves me especially, and not just like he loves everybody." It wouldn't have to make sense or be believable to anyone else, just to me. But at the same time I'd want witnesses, whether they believed or not. Say God turned my hair purple; as long as people saw that it was purple, I don't care what they believe -- I knew I didn't dye it, so the fact that it was purple would be enough for me to believe. And that may seem like a very silly example, but if God came to me right now and said, "You can have any two things you want, just name them" I'd say, "First, always hearing you clearly and confidently; second, you turn my hair purple for at least a month, just to prove that I am very important to you." I'd have very little problems with faith then. There would be no other rational explanation... just God. I want something that physical and otherwise-unexplainable to happen in my life to show that God loves me especially. And if you think that's arrogant of me, you have closed yourself to your own desires; we all want proof that God loves us especially (at least those who believe in Jesus, anyway). And it's not like it would take a lot of effort from an omnipotent God.

I'm determined to grow in faith anyway, even if I have to spend every waking thought praying for more faith. If faith the size of a mustard seed can toss mountains, then damn! my faith must be microscopic! (but I know this is partly just an attack -- this is strategically a good time for Satan to bomb my faith, 'cause if my faith was strong right now I'd be making a lot of progress) I made a prayer list of people and situations that are on my heart, and have prayed bits and pieces of it but haven't actually prayed over the whole thing once. And I feel like I'm wasting time, but I just don't wanna pray if the whole time I'm going to be wondering if he's thinking, "Kristen, believe a little so I can actually put these prayers into effect."

This is hard.... yeah.

feelings: determined
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Comments
amazedcreation ══╣light unto my path╠══
You have pegged it completely in your last paragraph. This is an attack of Satan. This is how I know God loves you especially. Because you are you. There is no one else like you. Your beauty, your talents, your gifts, your imperfections... and Jesus died for you so that you could be with him in eternity - even as you were a sinner he died for you (Romans 5:8). There is no greater love than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends... he calls us his friends, and not his servants, because a servant doesn't know his master's plans... He loves you. He dances over your dreams, and sings over your life. There is no infidelityin God's love... (remember in the OT to worship an idol was referred to as infidelity, an affair, against God). So I know He loves each us as His special creation, the reason for our cognitive relationships with Him. And as Psalm 46:10 says, "Be Still and know that I am God"... Lately this verse has been swimming around in my mind. I recently emphasised the word "know". Just "know" that He is God. You don't have to feel it. Hmm... interesting... I've been going through the same thing as you. I'll be praying for you sister in Christ! Much Love - Bridget
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I really, really appreciate your prayers. Thank you.
sky_falls_down ══╣╠══
kristen,
i understand completely what you mean, and it is hard. but if faith was easy, it wouldn't be faith. and as hard as that is to deal with, you kind of have to. i will be praying for you. your heart is beautiful.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you. Your prayers (and your compliment) mean much to me.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
*huggles*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.