December 2017
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31


theophostic / false guilt / images of God / the Cobra and scapegoat blended


To just give a quick summary this time, I learned:

1. If I feel guilty and I don't know why, it's false guilt, and I'm to throw it out. The purpose of my conscience is to let me know that, at my level of maturity, a certain action is to be avoided. Its purpose is NOT to make me feel worthless and deserving of punishment. (that sodomizing memory was apparently inflicted as 'punishment' without any explanation of what I did, leading me to believe that if bad stuff happened to me, it was because I did something wrong. Not true, God said.)

2. If I have an image of God as anything other than loving, it isn't a true image and I can/should throw it out. The Bible says God is Love.

3. God is NEVER mad/angry/etc. at me; when he looks at me he sees perfection, he sees Jesus; and how can he be angry at or disappointed in Jesus? God reminded me of the caterpillar; although it cannot yet fly, by all scientific tests it is nonetheless a butterfly. That's me; though I am not yet all I will be, in every important way I am already my future wonderful self -- and that it what God sees.

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Also, my Cobra self accepted my scapegoat self, and when they blended, the formerly-white Cobra turned violet and emerald, still with the same shimmery sheen. That took a lot of convincing -- my Cobra self had to learn that it was okay to fail, and that I needed to own my failures in order to stop being afraid of failing. My little-girl self had to overcome her intense fear of the scapegoat to allow it to join.

I'm writing this from a week and a half after it happened, and I have been much stronger since the blending of my Cobra and scapegoat selves.

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Comments
belenen ══╣cobra spirit╠══
Last night I told Ben about the blending of the scapegoat and the Cobra. I had hated making mistakes because I saw them as sins and felt that if I accepted them as part of me, I would be evil. So I split off part of me and assigned all of my negative actions to it, and never took responsibility for my mistakes. Instead I would explain them away and justify them.

I didn't realize this when I first 'saw' the scapegoat -- I saw it skulking around the edges of my mind and thought it was a demon. I was afraid and furious -- but then I looked closer and saw that it was afraid and sad and felt very rejected from the rest of me, and realized that it was a part of me (it looked like a corporeal shadow). When I realized this, I realized that my 'sins' didn't make me evil, and that they were an important part of me. When the scapegoat joined and brought color to the Cobra, I realized that they were even beautiful.

I think this is why nowadays I don't find it hard to admit when I am wrong or accidentally hurt someone, because I realize it doesn't make me evil -- it allows me to learn and makes me more beautiful when I accept it.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.