July 2017
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Six (spiritual) years old!
So I've been whole-heartedly (most of the time) focusing on God for six years now! (I actually invited him into my life when I was four, but didn't really pursue a friendship with him until six years ago)

I've learned a lot in the past year...

---I went through three levels of counseling, discovered all manner of bad things about my and my family's past -- and worked through the majority of them, though I still have a bit to go...
---I learned that I was sexually abused as a child, and had completely repressed the memories. I've worked through many of them in counseling now.
---I got married to my unbelievably wonderful husband! In one month we reach our 1 year anniversary.
---I had sex! Yes, I was a virgin until I got married. Even more amazing, so was he!
---I began a deep friendship with Kaylene, and lived in the same house with her for two months -- the best time of my life! I had my husband and my spirit-sister in the same house... it was just wonderful.
---I learned how to let go without being bitter -- with Kaylene.
---I spent three months taking care of Paula, learning that people don't always just open up when you want them to... and learning that Spencer loves me... and learning that trust is a precious thing, and I'm glad I'm able to give it easily, but that's a rare gift in this hurting world and I cannot expect it of others, no matter how I throw myself at them.
---I moved three times, learning to have a contract, ask the owner before sub-leasing, and not trust strangers who ask loads of questions.
---I began modeling more often, and discovered that I really love it and photographers really love working with me.

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I've changed a lot in the past year...

---I've become much much much more open, partly due to counseling and my positive experience spilling my soul in Breakthrough to Joy (a group counseling thing), but mostly due to this lovely thing called livejournal, I think. I began LJing in September of last year, but for sake of easy remembering I'm gonna call this my LJ anniversary as well. Through keeping all my posts public (except ones that involve someone else's secret, of course) and receiving feedback on them, I've learned that there really are people who appreciate unbridled honesty and openness, and that has released me from the "people aren't interested; keep your thoughts to yourself" fear that I had. I've also learned that I like not hiding who I really am, and so I generally don't -- I'm still working on opening up around people who judge me. Once I can learn with my heart that their judgements only stick if I allow them to, I will be able to be free even when around people that I know judge me. And then I'll like being around them a little more.
---I've grown in faith -- my Last-Minute God always takes care of me, but in my life he always waits until the last possible second to give me the answer to my prayer. I think this is his way of joking with me for being such a procrastinator. ;-) And teasing me for being so impatient.
---I've learned that faith is more than having God in your life: it's actually trusting him to control your life. I haven't quite managed to do that, but I'm a lot closer than I was.
---I've become less loud and angry, and more prone to think before I speak. This is because my husband has a completely different personality, and what I might think of as merely blunt, he feels as spiteful. So I've learned to be somewhat more careful in my phraseology, and to say "I think" before expressing my opinion, so that he doesn't feel like I'm trying to make him think the same way. This has made a postitive change in other relationships too.
---I've learned to be more patient with people. I am the type that can just decide to be spiritually naked, and there I am! But most people take time, first getting accustomed to skimpier clothes, then taking them off but occasionally putting them back on, until finally they are comfortable bare. I want to just strip people, and they don't appreciate that unless they're a spiritual nudist already. And two of my friends are! but most aren't, as I had to learn the hard way.
---I've learned that I can be judgemental, and that was a hard lesson to learn. I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. And I made a decision to change. However, I've only decided to stop making negative judgements about people. I will continue making neutral and positive judgementsabout people, and I will continue to judge ideas in any way I want, unless God shows me that he doesn't like that either. The Bible says "Do not judge, or you will be judged" -- but I don't care about neutral judgements nor about people judging my ideas, (and I like positive judgements) so I'll take judgement in those forms when it comes.
---I've learned that there are always reasons a person does bad things... and if they are hurting people, it's because they have unhealed wounds. This increased my capacity for compassion by a great amount.

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My birthday was lovely... my wonderful man bought me another year of LJ and extra userpics for my birthday present!!! Yay! I am a silly amount of excited about the extra userpics. ;-)
feelings: sexeh
sounds: Avant: "Makin' Good Love"
connecting:


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.