September 2017
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dream (paula and spencer) / Spencer called me Risa's sister


I had such a lovely dream about Paula and Spencer (and June and baby Risa) but I can't remember most of it. All I can really remember is that I went to visit them and Paula was delighted to see me! She had a colossal bag of gifts for me, and as soon as she saw me she ran and brought it, and poured it all out in her haste to show it to me. And the best part was -- they were actually gifts that I would like! See, I don't care how much the gift cost or how wonderful everyone else thinks it is; what really matters to me is that the gift suits my personality or style or hobbies. (and the last time Paula gave me a gift it was so anti-me that it was kinda funny -- I'm glad I yielded to her insistence that I not open it in front of her, 'cause my face would have said it all) And also in the dream, Spencer somehow made it irrefutable that he loves me. I don't remember if he actually said the words or not, but whatever he did made all my doubt disappear.

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Oh yes, and I forgot to post this when it happened, but the last time Ben and I visited them, Spencer held Risa, waved her little hand at me and said to her, "Say 'hi sis!'" When he said that I could feel Paula's surprise, though I didn't look at her. I wanted to hold Risa so badly and I think he woke her up for that very purpose -- but I was sick, and I didn't want to contaminate her.

But when he said that, my heart skipped a beat. I didn't feel utterly delighted, 'cause Spencer may think of me as a daughter, but Paula doesn't, and she's the deciding factor in how close I'm allowed to be to the family. Still, it made me feel warm and accepted. (and made me wonder if Spencer had ever come across my journal and read the entry where I complained that I didn't want to be Risa's 'aunt,' I wanted to be her sister)
feelings: loved
sounds: the Cranberries: "Pretty"
connecting: ,


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cutegrljay ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
cutegrljay ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.