December 2017
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foxfire / lonelylonelylonelylonely


I just watched "Foxfire" -- the one with Angelina Jolie of course.

At the end, there's a scene where Angelina's character (who has a stupid nickname, so I'm just gonna call her Angelina) is about to hitchhike her way to somewhere else, and her friend Maddy is waiting with her. Angelina asks Maddy to come with her, and when she doesn't answer right away, Angelina tells her to wait until someone stops, then just do whatever feels right. So a truck stops, and there's a tense moment of waiting -- then Maddie says "I'll never forget you," and Angelina gives a brief, humorless laugh, and turns away, walking toward the truck door. She turns back and says, "You're in my heart," and then gets in the vehicle and it drives off.

When Angelina gave that laugh of shock, I felt it to the core of my spirit. Angelina had to leave, it was part of who she was to be a vagrant. She was desperately hoping that Maddie loved her enough to desert her comfortable life, sacrifice it all for her sake -- but she didn't.

And you might all think that I'm an arrogant, selfish creature, but I am different. In a very similar way to that character. I cannot stop being who I am for anyone else's sake -- I just can't, because I cannot betray my own essence... and so the only way I can connect is for the other person to step out of their comfort zone and grow weirder. I can't stop hoping for someone who is already like myself so that I don't have to hope for a sacrifice. DAMN. If I was in Maddie's situation, I'd have said, "there's no way in hell, heaven, or anywhere in between that I'm going to let you leave my life." And I'd have made that statement true.

Are there people who believe that love is worth sacrificing comfort for? That friendship is worth sacrificing your plans or even your dreams for? Are there people who believe that the most important thing that they will accomplish in their life is to love? or am I the only damn one besides Ben, God, and characters from Jolie movies that believes that way?

Everyone has higher priorities... I'd give up my writing talent, my looks, or my other gifts for the sake of Allison, Kaylene, or Kristy; maybe for others too. I don't put plans above people. And in this world, that makes me nothing but stupid.

--------

I'm so dreadfully lonely. Where oh where are the people that give their hearts without reservation? are there any? I can't understand the depth of my pain -- I feel like I've HAD that and lost it. Maybe I was friends with a girl like that before I was born and I'm just now starting to realize how much I miss her. Where are you? WHERE ARE YOU? ...I miss you... I'm less of a person without you.

Oh God, please bring her into my life soon. My kind of soon.

feelings: crushed
sounds: 50 Cent: "Don't Push Me"
connecting:

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Comments
nicker ══╣╠══
Did I miss something? Aren't you happily married? I understand it's possible to be involved and still lonely but I'm not quite following you...
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yes I'm married, and very happily so, but I still want a close girl friend. There's just a difference, you know? Ben understands and loves me, but doesn't fulfill my need for female companionship.
scottrossi ══╣╠══
synisterchyck ══╣╠══
Hi

I have always had close female friends. One of my girlfriends and I met our freshman year of highschool. (class of '93) Our friendship is insane. We have gotten each other through marriages and subseqent the devorices.

Girl power is a wonderful thing.

Looking forward to getting to know you better
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Girl power is indeed wonderful.

looking forward to getting to know you better too!
mental_coercion ══╣╠══
I've always hoped to come across a friend like that, it's a rare find. A friendship like that is like love, once you find her, don't let her go. I know you're religious, so you could look at it as though she may be waiting in your life sometime in the near or distant future, and when you find her you'll know it. A true friend is a treasure =)
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I do look at it that way -- I believe I'll meet her at some point and instantly know her... I'm just not very good at waiting.
shaybe ══╣╠══
I love you
hunny you know that if you lived here we'd be sooo close.. i mean i feel sooo close to you already and you live very far away... you are such an amazing person sweetie. You know I am here for you. Hugs!
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Re: I love you
*hugs back* You need to move to GA babe!
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
I think PART of the issue here, Bel, lies in the fact that all of us are called on to give our hearts to more than one person.

We all have our--for lack of a better example--"Phedre, Joscelin or Melisande?" moments, where we love two people in two different ways and, for some reason beyond our mortal control, have to choose. Sometimes we can get away with not choosing, but that's an exercise in exsquisite self-torture.

For instance, if you were in Maddy's position, would you leave Ben? (Or drag him along--and yes, I'm aware he'd agree to it just because he loves you--against his will?) *pause* Didn't think so. I mean, I know you could for a little while, and he'd fully understand, but you've given your heart to him and after awhile, you'd have go back or you'd lose it.

The most important accomplishment any of us can strive for IS simply to love, but don't forget that we aren't given the chosing of it, nor are we given the choosing of our nature. I love you, but I could never survive in Georgia forever. I love Kat, but I know she can't survive in the South, and I can't survive in the North, but I'm not going to ask her to come West with me.

That's the OTHER part of the issue here. You're simultaneously a neuvo-gypsy and inherantly tied to the red hills of Georgia. The rest of us--whether fellow gypsies or homebodies--are trying to find our places. Once we do, and we're all sitting still, it'll be easier for you to pounce on someone. ^_^
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
But you see, with Maddy it wasn't a question of leaving one person for another -- it was a question of leaving her comfortable life for the sake of love.

"nuevo-gypsy" -- ooooh, I like that!
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
Not quite sure i understand. If Angelina could not give up being a vagrant for her love, because a vagrant was part of what she is, couldn't it also be that Maddy could not become a vagrant for her love, because NOT being a vagrant is part of what she is? Haven't seen the film, but put it like that as an example. So wouldn't it be true that there are some people who would love, but they cannot give up what they are, and what they are conflicts, so they can't love?

I think there are probably people who give their hearts without reservation, and probably a lot more who could learn to. Would you have to give your heart to a person who could give their's back to stop being lonely? If you gave your heart to someone who couldn't give their own unreservably back then would you still be lonely? Do you think that someone would still feel lonely until they learnt to give their heart? Sorry its a lot of questions but i would love to know what you think.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
So wouldn't it be true that there are some people who would love, but they cannot give up what they are, and what they are conflicts, so they can't love?
Yes, exactly. And that's the problem I seem to have in all of my friendships. Most people just aren't like me.
Would you have to give your heart to a person who could(n't) give theirs back to stop being lonely? If you gave your heart to someone who couldn't give their own unreservably back then would you still be lonely?
It helps, but it doesn't stop the loneliness.
Do you think that someone would still feel lonely until they learnt to give their heart?
Definitely -- the problem is, most people would rather feel lonely and bury it down than give their heart freely and risk it being hurt.
belenen ══╣╠══
jhubert ══╣╠══
I think a big problem is that television and movies conspire to make us adhere to impossibly high standards. We are constantly bombarded with messages that our life is somehow less perfect than it could be - and thus we are constantly wishing for perfect companionship, but since we suspect at some level that this might never happen, we basically give up the search for friends and basically wait for a random chance that might still bring us fulfillment - a miracle, in other words.

While it might work differently for me than for you - I'm a guy, after all - I worked out these two steps to deal with those issues:

- First of all, I didn't bother to buy a television when I moved out my parents' house three months ago. And I don't miss it one bit. Now no one suggests to me that I am not happy enough - and as a result, I am happy.

- Second, I actively started to look for new friends. I'm not normally one of the most outgoing people around. Yet a few weeks after moving to a new city 500 kilometers away from my old home I found several people whom I now consider to be among my friends. One of them is one of my co-workers, with whom I have regular conversations about religion, philosophy, and politics. And others I found by searching the internet for people in the city who shared a hobby of mine (role-playing games).

I don't know how long these friendships will last - if they will strengthen or weaken over time - and whether I will find additional friends.

But these are a start. And I don't feel lonely for even a moment...
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I can't stand tv -- don't have one, and never ever plan to buy channel access when I do have one (for watching dvds only). I agree that the media loves to tell you that you aren't happy enough, good enough, etc.

My problem is not in lack of friends -- I have friends that are absolutely wonderful. They just aren't very like me, and so our strength of connection is limited. I yearn for a friend who is more like me... but I'm really weird, so people like me are hard to find. ;-)
jhubert ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
such a beautiful post, it pulled my heartstrings. no, it yanked on them heartily. heartfully? heartilly? well, they grabbed them thar heartstrings and yanked on them like a girl in a catfight.

says me.

i've been feeling the same exact way lately. i go through periods where i start losing faith in the human species, because everyone seems so terrified to come out of their comfort zone anymore. i've spent my life in and out of relationships where i tried to change myself in order to fit into their little existance, and it failed every time.

it's now time for ME.
belenen ══╣caffeinated╠══
oh my gosh, you understand! The problem with being yourself is that you have to find someone like you or you'll be trying to change someone else to fit you... and the people that fit are just so freakin' rare.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
moody_godess ══╣╠══
hi, im new to your journal..but figured it was time for a response.

Are there people who believe that love is worth sacrific"ing comfort for? That friendship is worth sacrificing your plans or even your dreams for?"

i have not seen the movie, BUT this is my opinion re: if i would give everything up for love.

since i consider myself to live without ANY type of regret, i believe in taking risks. so would i drop everything and try something? hell yeah. i would never want to ask myself 'what if?' 10 years down the line. especially if it was for love; friendship or romantic. at least, at this stage in my life, *single, young, beholden to no one* i can afford risk. ....if i were married with kids and a house for myself, risk would be at higher stakes, because my family would come before my own wishes.

do i have example to back this up? yes, i have a few examples within the last 6 months of my life. to just do what i want and fuck the possibly horrid consequences *ie, being hurt by love* but, no matter the outcome of it all, it was worth it. because i woulda always wondered. and now i know.

and yes, there is nothing like being able to have a close g/f to talk to . coming from a girl with mostly guy friends, ya just need to talk to a girl sometimes. and ive been lucky enough to have just befriended a girl from work. my one other g/f lives 3 hours away. :(

but yeah, sometimes ya just need girltalk.

xo
lisa
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Yeah... I have two girls that I'd consider really close, but they both live far away...

It's cool to meet a wild chick like yourself. ;-)
moody_godess ══╣╠══
nikare ══╣╠══
Ah, this particular subject...

What do you want to know the answer to exactly? There is not enough time/space here to fully explain every answer, but mayhap I can, for this request, overcome my "Cassandra's Syndrome" that often haunts me.

Companionship is important. Whether or not it involves the same or opposing genders. The amount of compassion and love we are given can help to fill up the lives of as many people as we choose, be this the significant other or friends. A person's heart sometimes feels restrained due to the amount of love it is giving (or lack there of). Increasing the intensity to which you love your significant other or friends has its own advantages and disadvantages, as does increasing the number of loved friends.

As for myself, well...
I'm an interesting case that should probably not be included into the statistics of it all. My honor and loyalty of friendship (among other things) is extensively passionate...but I lack the full-fledged person(s) to share such a friendship. This is due to my own encounters and/or failings, as well as something else that's yet to be discussed. Yes, I do have friends, good friends, but I lack a significant other, as well as souldbound friendships (Well...at least I don't wish to assume too much about other people's feelings). Maybe I just desire the same intensity of loyalty and friendship that I give with people. Perhaps this is just selfish of me.

If you wish for a more immediate answer to things (in place of requesting an answer to specific questions), I suggest you ask Safira about how the "choices of life" are like the stories in books. They ARE the right choices simply because we made them.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yes yes yes... real friendships are balanced, and it isn't fair to ask someone to try to match you, so you just have to wait until they get there or keep on looking for someone who's already there. While I'm doing the first I'm concentrating more on the second.

something else that's yet to be discussed? What is this you are being so vague about?
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.