July 2017
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foxfire / lonelylonelylonelylonely


I just watched "Foxfire" -- the one with Angelina Jolie of course.

At the end, there's a scene where Angelina's character (who has a stupid nickname, so I'm just gonna call her Angelina) is about to hitchhike her way to somewhere else, and her friend Maddy is waiting with her. Angelina asks Maddy to come with her, and when she doesn't answer right away, Angelina tells her to wait until someone stops, then just do whatever feels right. So a truck stops, and there's a tense moment of waiting -- then Maddie says "I'll never forget you," and Angelina gives a brief, humorless laugh, and turns away, walking toward the truck door. She turns back and says, "You're in my heart," and then gets in the vehicle and it drives off.

When Angelina gave that laugh of shock, I felt it to the core of my spirit. Angelina had to leave, it was part of who she was to be a vagrant. She was desperately hoping that Maddie loved her enough to desert her comfortable life, sacrifice it all for her sake -- but she didn't.

And you might all think that I'm an arrogant, selfish creature, but I am different. In a very similar way to that character. I cannot stop being who I am for anyone else's sake -- I just can't, because I cannot betray my own essence... and so the only way I can connect is for the other person to step out of their comfort zone and grow weirder. I can't stop hoping for someone who is already like myself so that I don't have to hope for a sacrifice. DAMN. If I was in Maddie's situation, I'd have said, "there's no way in hell, heaven, or anywhere in between that I'm going to let you leave my life." And I'd have made that statement true.

Are there people who believe that love is worth sacrificing comfort for? That friendship is worth sacrificing your plans or even your dreams for? Are there people who believe that the most important thing that they will accomplish in their life is to love? or am I the only damn one besides Ben, God, and characters from Jolie movies that believes that way?

Everyone has higher priorities... I'd give up my writing talent, my looks, or my other gifts for the sake of Allison, Kaylene, or Kristy; maybe for others too. I don't put plans above people. And in this world, that makes me nothing but stupid.

--------

I'm so dreadfully lonely. Where oh where are the people that give their hearts without reservation? are there any? I can't understand the depth of my pain -- I feel like I've HAD that and lost it. Maybe I was friends with a girl like that before I was born and I'm just now starting to realize how much I miss her. Where are you? WHERE ARE YOU? ...I miss you... I'm less of a person without you.

Oh God, please bring her into my life soon. My kind of soon.
feelings: crushed
sounds: 50 Cent: "Don't Push Me"
connecting:


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.