November 2017
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my messed-up self


I don't know what is going on inside me -- but these past two days have been terrible. I feel like my spirit is being eaten up... or like my spirit is sick, not the kind of sick where you feel like sleeping all the time but the kind of sick where you feel like sleeping, but you can't -- instead you flip-flop on the bed, feeling a nameless, placeless ache in every cell. But that's not my body feeling that, it's my spirit.

So frustrating because I can't get rid of it. I can't even drown it in a book -- when I read I can't get into it.

I think it has something to do with major triggers lately... one was an icon that I won't describe because just to describe it bothers me so much. The other was a community that posts 'erotic stories' about rape and child molestation. I reported both of these -- LJ said, "we're not going to do anything." That's the attitude of everyone, isn't it? It certainly feels like it.

I've felt so hopelessly fucked up these past two days... I can't guard myself from learning about this stuff -- it's everywhere! I need to get completely healed so that it doesn't hurt me so much.... I wonder what it feels like to be a healthy human being. I imagine I'll be fearless -- it seems that my natural self is fearless, but my current, fucked-up self isn't. Not by a long shot.

Mlurgh.

feelings: frustratedly destroyed
sounds: Glisten: "Abandon All"

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Comments
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
How can they say they aren't going to do anything? That is disgusting. Maybe if enough people complain then they will take it off? Can't belive they would let that go. Just wrong.

I don't know what you would do about sickness. Feed it with good things? Things that are good for the spirit.

I sent you an email but i don't know if you got it, i don't know if i got your address right. Can you let me know if you do? Sorry. Thanks.

I hope you feel better soon, there are lots of good things happening so it isn't everyone with that attitude. Lots of beauty in the world.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I certainly did get the email, and I'll write you back, I just want to let my thoughts ferment a bit first. ;-)
jamina1 ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
aww, thank you!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.