November 2017
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(wrnng:sx) incredibly depressed and morose



Y'know how the other day I had great sex?

Well tonight, Ben and I were gonna play... but when he touched my nipples I felt attacked and nearly paniced... he was being so gentle, it made no sense for me to feel that way but I did...

I felt like such a failure as a wife and a person.
My sexuality is a very vital part of who I am, and having it be so damn fucked up just kills me.

Ben was loving and just held me and didn't even seem disappointed (I think he has resigned himself to the fact that sometimes I will just fall apart) but it hurt so badly even so.

This is HORRIBLE. Imagine one of your gifts only working 40% of the time, and the rest of the time being not only gone, but negative... like you're an artist, and sometimes you are wonderful at drawing, but most of the time you feel terrified at putting a pencil to paper. And even when you're good, when you get out your supplies, you are worried that you'll end up terrified and unable to perform. Not that great an analogy, but imagine it about 500 times that bad, and you've kinda got it.

Oh when will this end?

feelings: drained

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Comments
anar_anar ══╣╠══
You're not a failure. This is a part of the process, this is what happens, lord, it took me ages before I was even remotely comfortable sexually...
I htink you're making incredible progress and quite quickly, there will always be bumps... this is completely normal... it's good that Ben understands... you'll get through it.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you... it just seems like such an endlessly long road sometimes.
scottrossi ══╣╠══
tinystages ══╣╠══
i think you're stressing out too much about it. just be calm and when you feel aggitated, just stop and think "why am i doing this? i'm with my husband; the man i will love and cherish forever. he won't hurt me ever." and remember how much he loves you and cares for you. *hugs* i don't know much about sex (as i'm a virgin) but it sounds like you are stressing and worrying about things and you don't need to.

you're not a failure. never call yourself one. never insult yourself. *hugs some more*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
well, the problem is I'm having a weird kind of flashback to the sexual abuse I experienced as a child -- and my mind can't override it. How I wish I could.

Thanks for the hugs and the "never insult yourself" -- I need to hear that, I say it often enough to my friends! ;-)
aubkabob ══╣aeris╠══
being a rape victim and not having had any... uh... "action" in the 3 years since it happened, i'm always terrified of the same thing happening to me. (at least i don't feel like throwing up when a guy friend puts his arm around me anymore...)

you're not a failure, hun. NEVER feel that way. you can't consciously control what your subconscious reactions are. it will all come in time, i promise.

if not, i hereby give you permission to thwack me upside my head with this here bat.

*hands you a Nerf bat*
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
hee hee, thanks for making me giggle!

We are so alike... wow. Why do you have to live in Washington?!?

*looks at bat in hands* hmmmm...

*waving bat threateningly* "Move to Georgia or I use this on you!"
---

Yes. You are right. In time I will be healed. (no negative self-talk, me.)
aubkabob ══╣╠══
well, i DO seriously plan on coming to visit someday. i feel it's part of my DEEEESTINEEEEEE.

weird that the second i typed that, a song by destiny's child came on andrea's mp3 player. see? it's meant to be. kismet and all that!

i think i just need to get some other ducks in a row up in this area physically and mentally before i start jaunting off into the wilderness once again! but SOON.

i promise.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
i think i just need to get some other ducks in a row up in this area physically and mentally before i start jaunting off into the wilderness once again! but SOON.

Okay then. Soon it is. ;-) *hugs you happily*
aubkabob ══╣╠══
it's my utmost goal to come see you before my 31st birthday in march.

*nods*

seems like a good time frame to work with.
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
OMG SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME VISIT ME FOR MY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FEBRUARY SIXTH, BE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*dances excitedly!!!!!*

please please please?!?!?!?!?
moody_godess ══╣╠══
Ben is beautiful! how can you think that you are a failure when your husband responds to you with such understanding and love?

and hey, yea, you may only feel at 40% right now. but gotta start somewhere. and it seems you've come a long way. with time, it will only get better. how can it not with what seems like a great support system?

xoxo
:)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Yeah, I know! I'm incredibly lucky... there's no one better than Ben. (at least, I'm convinced of that)

how can it not get better with [such] a great support system?
You're so right! Thanks for the encouragement.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.