Biting the Sun

Free Hug Campaign: Atlanta

2008-05-17T10:51:18Z

Atlantans are awesome! *beams* this makes me so freaking happy!
the one that started it all always makes me cry with joy

Oh God/dess, I just watched the original again and I have tears pouring down my cheeks. It represents the whole human journey to me -- seeing someone reach out with this beautiful gift and everyone passes it up! until finally someone takes a chance and the world turns to color, and it builds and builds and more join in! Joy! Joy! JOY! until the authorities come in and say "this is crossing boundaries, no no" but instead of responding in anger they respond in LOVE *cries eyes out* and reach out and help those who are afraid of boundary-crossing (represented by the police, who are simply acting out society's laws). Really, could there be anything more beautiful?

Aurilion's visit - get ring, dinner at coffeehouse, visit trees at the park, watch Playing By Heart

2008-05-16T19:59:07Z

The day after Aurilion arrived we drove around a bit, got semi-lost trying to find the recycling place and picked up my lapis lazuli ring from the jewelers (where I was getting it sized). I told zir about its significance and the significance of my other rings (which I have yet to post about ;-p). We were planning on going to laughter yoga but ze felt that would be too much at that moment (it was so intense just being together) so instead we went to dinner at the coffeehouse and then to the park! We saw ducklings! (which I had never seen in real life) I showed zir the twin tree which had comforted me on a day I felt crazy, and ze felt the sweet energy of it. We both gave it kisses ;-) Then we met another tree which was quite amazing and I got zir to pose with it.

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my lapis lazuli 'Nut' ring

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... I took a LOT of photos of it. ;-)

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Aurilion and our dinners!

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Aurilion! *kisses the corner of zir smile*

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Aurilion -- oh, zir EYES. *melts*

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ducklings omg!

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this is my current desktop ;-)

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is it just me or does this have a vulva shape?

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my delightfully fuzzy lover and the wonderful tree we met with ♥

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Bel & Aurilion

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Bel & Aurilion again :D

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Later that evening we watched Playing By Heart, which was an incredible experience because our hearts were so open to each other and I could feel zir reactions so clearly! Also, ze strongly empathized with so many of the characters (who are all dear to my heart) and I saw them with new eyes. I felt like I was seeing it for the first time, only better. That movie means so much to me. ♥ I LOVE seeing it with people when they see it for the first time.

lethargy-frustration finally broke / Aurilion's visit was life-altering / I need self-centering time

2008-05-16T08:44:06Z

The past two days (or day-and-a-half? my sense of time is distorted) I've been in the grip of a lethargy-frustration, seemingly out of nowhere. I finally sent a voicemail to Aurilion about... seven hours ago, asking zir to send me positive energy / prayer because and explaining that I hadn't talked to zir because I had hardly been awake at all. Ze sent me a message back saying that ze had done a healing ritual for me ♥ I had been feeling ultra-sensitive, feeling out of alignment with my heart-kin and very upset about it, and I still felt that way until about an hour ago, when something finally shifted and I felt able to breathe again.

I can't express fully how life-altering this visit was. Not only being with Aurilion, but some spiritual events/shifts that happened while ze was here, and some shifts in my relationship with Nimajn, and... my relationship to the universe! SO MUCH! I get very edgy with deadlines and as I have further life-altering events in 12 days, I feel a sort of pressure to hurry up and get everything sorted. Yes, I know I don't 'need' to be feeling that, but nonetheless I do. I also feel frustrated because everything seems to be focused on my visit with Hannah, and I cannot focus on that right now. (not that I am not thrilled about it -- I AM -- I just cannot fit everything in my mind at once) This was big enough to last me AT LEAST half a year of growth. I learned SO MUCH. It's like I went on a crash course that condensed a year of college, and in 12 days I am set to go on another crash course of perhaps 3 condensed years. It's this feeling of wanting time to stop so that I can finish living this before I move on. During the lethargy I felt like I would not be able to 'catch up' -- now I feel like I can, and will. Starting the in-depth writing about the visit will help.

2007 was a year of living in dim light, and for the past two months or so I have experienced short bursts of bright light, and then last week I was plunged into full sunlight with no shade for every minute of every day. I wouldn't trade it, and I have no regrets, but I now realize that I had a need for time with myself, time spent in mental/emotional rest. (fortunately we spent a lot of time outside, which also refreshes me) I didn't recognise that need because I was so intoxicated with the joy and light, but now I know it exists even if I don't feel it at the time, and I am going to keep it in mind during future visits.

I'm such a different person than I was 10 short days ago.

no advice, please. I'm still feeling a bit sensitive.

Aurilion's visit - first kisses! / hyper-aware of PDAs, awed at newness / bi-poly = true me

2008-05-14T16:01:29Z

I have this 'crowd blindness' where I cannot recognize people when I meet them in public -- even Nimajn or others I've known for years. (I think it may be that I see people as a collection of features rather than a whole, so I have to mentally check each feature) It takes me a little while to mentally place a person, so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.

My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥

Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.

I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.

my tribe: you.

2008-05-14T08:19:42Z

Ever since I made the post on my tribe, I've wanted to add more, explain more. I listed my 'tentmates' but the truth is, nearly everyone on my friends list is part of my tribe. I only have two kinds of people on my flist; those whom I have a connection with, and those whom I might have a connection with. And I think the ratio is about 80 to 8; nearly all of you are SO IMPORTANT to me.

I like to know where I stand with people and I like people to know where they stand with me. So, if you comment, I will tell you why you are an important part of my life, and whether I feel a connection or am still unsure.

I am truly so very very lucky to have this amazing tribe of incredible people! Thank you ♥ I love you!

ETA: I'm going to be doing these slowly, so please don't think I'm ignoring you. ;-)

Aurilion's visit - shimmeringly lovely! / ever-deeper in love / heart-openness / dreaming to process

2008-05-13T11:04:40Z

Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*

Just one photo for now, but I already went through ALL 400+ photos and edited my favorites for posting. Aurilion hasn't seen the others yet so I am waiting for the CD I shipped zir to arrive before I share any more. *impatient bounce* I may even have a video to share if ze gives me permission :D I'll probably be making several posts describing each day...

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.

self-portraits in starmoon earrings & greenery!!!

2008-05-06T10:30:12Z

Aurilion arrives in 14 hours! holy fuck! and I haven't slept yet! I wanted to get this posted because I'll have a billion more to share once ze arrives!

These are from April 26th, when Nimajn and I went on a drive so that I could take in all the greeeeeeeeeeeeenery. As ze drove I snapped photos furiously and got positively high from all the delicious greens... I find it so deeply nourishing to gaze at them, and somehow my gaze is intensified through a camera lens. I can't describe exactly what it means to me to see the trees alight with emerald and peridot and a million other verdant jewels... so I'll have to show you my gleeful face. ;-)

this also matches my current mood at the fact that I will SEE AURILION IN 14 HOURS:

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strangely underwater

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I looooooove having a moonroof!

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SO GLEEFUL!!!

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*ponders*
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mmm, windrushing

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clouds in my eyes

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yay silver hairs! (don't tell the others but those are my favorite :D)

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wind glee!

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windblown!

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this is really just to show off my AMAZING EARRINGS.

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moons and stars! I made that deepviolet wire shape that everything dangles from. *very proud* This set is my greatest earring achievement (so far).

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the strange focus makes me look like a ghost or spirit, not-quite-there. I LOVE MY EYES. Green with delight!

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*beams*

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I look mysterious and a little sinister.

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if the expression was more vibrant this would be the quintessential ME photo!

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overexposed and blurry but I love the colors!

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deeep greens *plunges in*

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oh my God/dess, seeing this place was... wow. If only it weren't on church grounds next to a very public street!

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such different colors!

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seeing openings in a forest like this always makes me want to fly. I'd swoop between!

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ohhh, this tree was so wise and joyful! I gasped with delight when I saw it.

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I now see power lines as beautiful, because they connect me with all my friends in a web of energy.

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lime!

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sage!

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spring green!

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WHEE!!!

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icon association meme (take 3)

2008-05-04T11:43:08Z

Please go to my icons page and tell me:

1. Which is your favorite, and why?
2. Which icon do you think best represents me? why?
3. (if any) Which retired ones (no longer on that page) do you miss?

and I'll respond to your comment telling you my answers for you!

John Mayer's "Clarity" / revelations / savoring each moment / Biting the Sun / permanence, redefined

2008-05-02T08:34:13Z

this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
Rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
this moment will be gone
but I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on

Is there a second in time that I looked around
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Is anything enough to kiss the ground
and say I'm here now and she's here now

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever

I came across John Mayer's "Clarity" on my last.fm radio and I have been listening to it over and over. It fits my life perfectly at the moment, especially the seemingly unrelated title. Clarity. yes!

It has been nearly six weeks since I began falling in love with Aurilion (Lily, who has grown into zir true name) and Hannah. It's really amazing. I've been experiencing so many deep revelations, and above all, so much clarity! For a while it seemed every single post I made was some monumental exploration and expression, to the point where I got a little overwhelmed by it. Polyamory, gender, spirit-heart-soul-mind-body, deciding to change to gender-neutral pronouns, the story of Aurilion and I and Hannah and I, the stories people carry in them, characters in the story of my life, my tribe -- all in one month! And all of those posts were a big deal for me. I mean, most of what I post about is important to me, but each of these were... pivotal moments (I'm spinning! ;-)). And that's maybe half of what has been really happening within. *deep sigh*

At the beginning there was such a heady rush! So thrilling! and now it is deeper, more intense, so much more REAL, as Aurilion keeps saying. Like a delicious meal when you are very hungry -- the first bite is the most flavorful, but the real enjoyment sets in when the pang in your belly has eased and you slow to savor everything. (for me anyway) I think I fall in love fast and slow... the shields of my heart drop immediately but forming the cords that entwine with other hearts is a slow process. And oh, so lush, like a dance. I enjoy every twist and oh, the blending! *shivers*

I have changed my journal title and subtitle. The old title/subtitle was "Crystalline Nascence -- consciously choosing naked honesty and tender openness" and I had that for over a year, I'm not sure how long. It spoke my intentions with my journal and life; to live consciously, aware that everything I do and don't do is a choice and affects my life, and to choose to be naked in my honesty and tender in my openness. I feel I have ended that chapter, or learned everything I can from it at this point, and I have a new focus. My new title/subtitle is "Biting the Sun -- only in the burning do I taste that sweetest nectar." This refers to a proverb in my favorite book, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee -- don't bite the sun, Traveler, you will burn your mouth. The unnamed narrator does 'bite at the sun,' stepping out of the bounds of zir society. The subtitle is a reminder to myself that only in crossing boundaries (self- or other- imposed) do I ever experience that which is truly extraordinary. Risk of pain surrounds all that which is sweetest, and to truly embrace those things I must also embrace that risk. this is the year of risk-taking!

When I fall in love with someone, I have always fixated on whether or not they will love me and be there for me forever. This time, I'm beginning something new with two people I have already loved and lost once; I know it is possible that they will cease to be part of my life. But I feel fully aware that the connection remains even if the relationship is not active, and that every moment spent in active relationship is priceless. If it ends, I will feel a dreadful loss, but more than that loss I will feel the gift of what was, and the surety that we will be reunited (even if not in this life). I don't feel worry or fear! I feel that I am drinking in every moment with utter gratitude.

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever

spiky energy, raw frustration / prayer is harder now that my beliefs are different

2008-04-28T23:48:35Z

I have had a very... spiky day, energy-wise. Feeling very raw and unhappy, like I'm wriggling to get out from under a heavy and very rough rock, and being scraped by every movement. I have been digging away at myself trying to find the root of this -- I keep finding things, tossing them out and then realizing that the problem is still there. I don't know what it is. This isn't depression, but it mimics it; all my usual tricks to shake off darkness had little effect. I think maybe this may just be something I have to crawl through.

I went into my sanctuary to meditate and pray, and as I started talking to God/dess I realized that prayer is not as easy as it once was. When I fit wholly within the Christian belief system, prayer was easy -- just ask for the things you want, and thank for the things you have. Now... it's not so easy, because I don't see God/dess the same way -- not a male-bodied being on a throne, but a multi-dimensional, multi-faceted, unsexed and DEFINITELY ungendered being which is truly omnipresent. I feel zir as soooooooo much BIGGER than before, and it is hard to feel the personal connection. I'm not sure what to do with this. Do I pray to each facet that I resonate with, or pray to the whole being that the facets are part of? Hm. I'm just remembering a similar issue I had with the trinity, maybe I will pray separately at first. I dunno. I feel pretty confused about it. And I miss having the same deity as someone else and being able to simultaneously connect with that deity -- what an amazing feeling that is.

The meditation/prayer helped, as did going for a short drive in the warm sun and cool air, but I still feel so on edge. If this is part of the incubation/awakening that seems to be happening in my tribe, I feel sorry for everyone else, heh. I just want to tear something or scream or explode! I'm in the mood to create but I can't because I don't want this energy going into my creation, and I can't calm down enough anyway. I think I'm going to go out again.

music sharing: Dream Art Science, E.S. Posthumus, Dead Can Dance

2008-04-23T16:48:14Z

22 of my five-star favorite songs on the 22nd of each month ;-) A five-star song is one that has strong melodic pull as well as significant lyrical meaning to me -- all of these are very important to me. In sharing them I'm sharing some of my soul... I'm trusting you to listen and sense it. ♥

Usually I share based on what I've been listening to lately, but this time I am sharing songs that have strong spiritual meaning to me. In this post: Dream Art Science, E.S. Posthumus, and Dead Can Dance. Dream Art Science found me on myspace and invited me to check out their music, and when I did I was utterly swept away. They create spiritual music, based on ancient Egyptian religion and some very unique concepts of their own (that I do not really understand). Their sound really touches me, but even more than that their lyrics stir me. I wish I could explain how MUCH their lyrics speak my own heart, speak my spirituality in many ways. E.S. Posthumus was introduced to me by Cynosis, who sent me one of their songs in a mix which she composed just for me. I loved the whole thing, but the song "Nara" just set me on fire! I shared it with Hannah and Lily, who experienced it in a similar way -- this incredible spiritual experience, like when you hear a new piece of wisdom that resonates deeply in you. I had to buy the album, and the whole thing affected me in nearly the same way! Listening to it is... amazing for me. I've never been so touched by music without lyrics (at least, without English lyrics -- some have lyrics in other languages, which sounds like an integral part of the music to my ear). Dead Can Dance caught my eye at a used CD store -- I took Spiritchaser home and listened to it non-stop for ages, in the car and in the house. It's also mainly lyricless, with singing in glossolalia (what some call speaking-in-tongues). I find that especially beautiful, very expressive, and it feels even more 'true' to my ear than lyrics. The few songs that do have lyrics really inspire me.

Belenen's favorites -- April 2008 mix

the links with ** afterwards have full song downloads -- most are 30 second samples.

Dream Art Science
(all from Hydrogen Burning)

Deep And Strong -- Dream Art Science**
Here we are together
So in love with each other
Everything is precious and new
And we can do
anything we want to do

Let your love grow deep and strong
Like the roots of the oak tree
Let it be everything it can be
Let it spread far and wide and all around
Let it reach deep inside, into the ground

No lightning or thunder
Can tear us asunder
This life on Earth can be so fine
We keep growing all the time
We’ll hold firm, weather any storm
Believing in each other
Will keep our love from harm

As above, so below.
We’ll go as far as we have to go
Like roots seeking water.
Like the lonely heart searching for its lover,
We’ll take strength from down under

Let it grow.
Let it grow.
Let it grow.

^this song is utterly sacred to me.^
If I could only hear one song ever, this would be the one I'd want.
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Inundation -- Dream Art Science**
I dreamed about the Inundation
I dreamed about regeneration
I dreamed about the Inundation
And the waters of re-creation

Summer days and the sun is strong
Summer time and the days are long
People taking shelter from the sweltering heat
The time is near for the cool and the sweet

It was a wet dream
It was a wet scene

And dreams flow. Dreams flow.
And dreams flow. Dreams flow.
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No Place (Song Of Atum) -- Dream Art Science
Once I had no tribe
Once I had no people
Once I was alone in the waters of Nun

And I could find no place to stand
I could find no place to stand

There was a time
When there was only ocean
There was a time
When there was only water
There was no land. There was no land.

Once I lived in solitude
In the company of the uncreated
Once I was alone in the waters of Nun

And I could find no place to stand
I could find no place to stand
Stand, stand, I will stand
Stand, stand, I will stand

Once I had no tribe
Once I had no people
Once I had no tribe
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Khepri (Rising Sun) -- Dream Art Science
We are roots in the mud.
We are stems in the water.
We are leaves in the air.
We are flowers in the sun.

Khepri, Kheper, Kheperu, Kheper-kuy, m Kheperu, m Kheperu
(I became, the becoming became, I have become in becoming)
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Wizard -- Dream Art Science
It looks like Armageddon
And the start of a new heaven
This is as real as real can be
And this stage
reaches out to infinity

There are colors on the wall,
The emotions they recall
Are everywhere, filling the hall

There’s a wizard in motion
Every wave of his hand
stirs my imagination
And his eyes mesmerize me
Like the waves upon the ocean
He plays every part
And he commands my attention

The rhythm of his voice
Feels like it’s beating in my heart
The rhythm of his voice
Feels like it’s beating in my heart

I’m in love. Swept away.

I feel the surge of his power
moving down the line
He can stop time
change a minute into an hour

There’s a wizard in motion
A wizard in motion
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Gates Of The Duat -- Dream Art Science
My heart is mine in the House of Hearts
The doors of the sky are opened for me

I will go in and out
I will go here and there
At all the gates of the Duat

My heart is mine in the House of Hearts
The doors of the sky are opened for me
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E.S. Posthumus
(all from Unearthed)

Nara -- E.S. Posthumus

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Harappa -- E.S. Posthumus

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Tikal -- E.S. Posthumus

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Cuzco -- E.S. Posthumus

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Ebla -- E.S. Posthumus

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Pompeii -- E.S. Posthumus

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Dead Can Dance

Song Of The Nile -- Dead Can Dance (Spiritchaser)

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The Snake And The Moon -- Dead Can Dance (Spiritchaser)

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Indus -- Dead Can Dance (Spiritchaser)

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Nierika -- Dead Can Dance (Spiritchaser)

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Song Of The Disposessed -- Dead Can Dance (Spiritchaser)
Awoke this morning
To find my people's tongues were tied
And in my dreams
They were given books to poison their minds

The river is deep and the mountain high
How long before the other side

We are their mortar
Their building bricks and their clay
Their gold teeth mirror
Both our joys and our pain

The river is deep and the ocean wide
Who will teach us how to read the signs

The earth is our mother
She taught us to embrace the light
Now the lord is master
She suffers an eternal night

You blocked up my ears
You plucked out my eyes
You cut out my tongue
You fed me with lies
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Spider's Stratagem -- Dead Can Dance (Into The Labyrinth)

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Towards The Within -- Dead Can Dance (Into The Labyrinth)

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Ubiquitous Mr Lovegrove -- Dead Can Dance (Into The Labyrinth)
I love slow...slow but deep.
Feigned affections wash over me.
Dream on my dear
And renounce temporal obligations.
Dream on my dear
It's a sleep from which you may not awaken.

You raise my hopes then you raise the odds
You tell me that I dream too much
Now I'm serving time in disillusionment.

I don't believe you anymore...I don't believe you.

I thought that I knew it all
I'd seen all the signs before.
I thought that you were the one
In darkness my heart was won.

You tell me that I dream too much
Now I'm serving time in a domestic graveyard.

Never let it be said I was untrue
I never found a home inside of you.
Never let it be said I was untrue
I gave you all my time.
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Cantara -- Dead Can Dance (A Passage In Time)

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Fortune Presents Gifts Not According to the Book -- Dead Can Dance (A Passage In Time)
Fortune presents gifts not according to the book
Fortune presents gifts not according to the book

When you expect whistles it's flutes
When you expect flutes it's whistles

What various paths are followed in distributing honours and possessions
She gives awards to some and penitent's cloaks to others

Sometimes she robs the chief goatherd of his cottage and and goat pen
And to whomever she fancies the lamest goat has born two kids

Because in a village a poor lad has stolen one egg
He swings in the sun and another gets away with a thousand crimes

When you expect whistles it's flutes
When you expect flutes it's whistles
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View Poll: #1175846

(ignore the poll if you didn't download)

who is your tribe?

2008-04-22T13:01:49Z

Who is your tribe? not necessarily the people currently in your life, or the people you are related to, but the ones who have a permanent spot in your heart.

You are all my extended tribe ♥ I really feel everyone on my flist is an important part of my life. (and I am not just saying that, it is SO true!) And within that circle, the ones I feel I share a tent with on the journey of life are: (it's a fucking giant tent okay)

currently traveling with me:
tent-mates: Nimajn, Hannah, Aurilion, Ava, Kat, Nick, Ry, Nea, Kate, lil sis (the only blood-kin in my tribe).
sharing my fire: Meliae, SabR, Kazi, Vee, Ali, Joanna, Sarah, Sharon, Sidhe, Bob.
((there are like 10 more just on the verge -- I define my 'tentmates' by the strength of the connection, amount of communication, and length of time known (NOT by how much I love them! there are people I love just as much who are not yet part of my tribe). Right now I am astoundingly rich in friends.))

on another path but hopefully will one day travel with me again:
Rebecca, Paula, Spencer, Gabe, Risa, William, Kaylene, Jedidiah, elya, Patty, Ashley, Anika, Michael, Kristy, Kristen, Allison.

I think I have explained most of these but if you are curious about any just ask!

p.s. if I consider you part of my tribe but I am not part of yours, that's okay -- it doesn't have to be mutual ;-)

When you tell me yours, please also add a word or two as to who they are (partner, friend, relative).

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characters in the story of my life: present and past (updated at last!)

2008-04-21T15:23:14Z

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

People who are an important part of my life and often talked/written about.

Nimajn

(aka Dragon, pooka, benny-boo)

partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin

--

frenetik: Met through our parents going to the same church. Known since 1991, soulfriends since jan 2002, lovers and partners since dec 2003. Lives with me in GA.

history:

Nimajn (add 'eb' and turn it around to see what the rest of the world calls zir) is my partner, lover, and soulfriend. I met zir when I was a wee child of 8 (ze was 7), and felt a connection since then. I moved away and then back (my dad was in the military) and sometime in high school we developed a rather one-sided friendship (ze didn't contribute much but somehow I never gave up) that lasted until I moved again for my freshman year of college. When I came to visit zir family over Christmas break, ze asked me out (as well as asking my forgiveness for taking me for granted for so long) and we started a long-distance relationship. About 17 days in (Jan 19, 2002) we made our own private vows to each other and considered ourselves spiritually married from that point on. That summer I moved back to GA to be closer to zir and we continued 'dating' (not the traditional formal sort, with dressing up and going out) for another year, and got legally married December 13, 2003. The first year (2004) was fun at first, but soon turned rocky, as sex had brought up repressed memories of childhood abuse (we didn't have sex until after getting legally married, mainly due to zir desires) and I started working through those, and we both had to deal with misconceptions about what a partnership (marriage) meant. 2005 was worse; I was depressed and paranoid to the point of not being able to leave the house, but by the end of that year I had overcome most of it. 2006 we were both drained, and didn't really give to each other; we had kinda stagnated. 2007 started off very badly, financially, and I blamed our lack of connection on that, but as time went on I realized that the finances made it worse but they were not the problem, they just added to the problem. Halfway through the year it all came to a head and Nimajn decided to work on opening up and learning to express zirself, so that we could really communicate. I was skeptical at first but ze really changed; I began to get to know zir in a way I never had before. We had a lot more conflict, but it was productive, and I began to fall in love with zir in a whole new way. 2008 began with us stronger than ever, and full of so much hope for the future.

description:

I call zir my 'lightning rod' because ze is like a grounding force for my storms. Ze calms me just with zir presence; I feel that without zir I would not be able to focus my energy with such ease -- my own intensity would set me on edge. Ze and I have only one common interest, but it is the most important one; our goal in life. We desire to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. We believe love is our purpose for being. And as a subset of this, we are interested in people -- how, why they act the way they do and how they can be helped. I believe Nimajn and I have a heart connection -- we share a similar understanding of spirituality, and the same spiritual things move us. We've only begun to explore this as ze has been opening up, and I am enjoying the journey.
Nimajn is quiet, intense, and gentle. Ze is fairly reserved, but ze sees this as more of a product of zir upbringing rather than zir natural self, and ze is working to be more expressive and open -- primarily with me but also with the world in general. Ze loves playing guitar and chess, driving, learning/talking about cars/chess, and discussing philosophy/ psychology/ science.

Hannah

(Kehlalili, Shioneh, sheonke, babygirl, han-han)

lover, deep friend, spirit-twin, soul-kin

--

shioneh: Met zir through LJ. Known since July 2005, soulfriends from March 2006 to November 2007, lovers from March 2008 to present. Lives in Scotland :-(

history:

We were instantly close on becoming LJ friends, and 8 months later we committed soulfriendship to each other. Our soulfriendship lasted about a year and a half, and was an incredible source of growth and nourishment to both of us. Because we entered the relationship with such clear goals, we both learned so much more about communication and the ways to grow a relationship. In that time ze came to visit me twice, July 27th - Aug 13th 2006, and June 20th - July 24th 2007. The soulfriendship ended because we both went through a very dark period and it took too much energy over such a long distance, when even calling is a hardship. I think that if we had lived close we would have been able to stay soulfriends, but as it was we decided to end it, at least for the time. We never broke off contact but we didn't start talking in realtime again until early February, when I felt totally awful and randomly IMed zir partner Nick, and Hannah was there next to zir and began talking with me to comfort me. We rapidly grew close again (with many tears along the way), and in late March Hannah realized that ze was polyamorous and proposed a romantic relationship (which I gleefully agreed to).

description:

Ze is my spirit-twin; so like me at core. I can't explain what this feels like, only the effect that it has. We reflect each other and together we clarify ideas and beliefs, which we usually end up agreeing on, even if we started out thinking that we disagreed. We can sense things about each other that we could have no way of knowing -- even without communication, we feel it if the other is hurting or joyful. Our emotions reflect each other and increase when we intentionally share them. I laugh more with zir than ever with anyone else -- we have a natural high when we are happy together, and we get ridiculously silly, to the point where I am sure outsiders would think us drunk/drugged. Ze is also soul-kin; like me in how ze is passionate and intense, fiery in defense of that which we feel strongly on. We can be gentle, but when it comes to standing up for what we believe in we are absolutely fierce and forceful.
Open & honest, passionately compassionate, fierce, creative. Ze loves taking photos, dancing, painting, sharing with others, exploring the abstract, learning the concrete, celebrating life, helping to create equality.

Aurilion

(Aurilion, Lilylight, faegirl)

lover, deep friend, heart-kin

--

aurilion: Met zir through LJ. Known since Feb 2006, casual friends from then to November 2006, out of contact for 2007, lovers from March 2008 to present. Lives in NC :-(

history:

We had had a somewhat casual LJ relationship until ze came down to visit a mutual friend, and when I met zir I felt a very strong connection. I was very excited about getting to know zir, but ze was beginning a romantic relationship with Ashley and Mike, who did not want zir to honor zir connection with me. We were out of contact for a year, then when we got back in contact we quickly built a friendship and then a month after that, ze proposed a romantic relationship (which I gleefully agreed to).

description:

Ze is my heart-kin; we share a connection to trees that is so strong! We also experience faith in a similar way, through a wild, inexplicable thing that can only be called magic. We're both very intuitive, and in opening to our connection I am experiencing intuition on a whole new level. And I think that ze experiences the other side of that with me -- I help zir to explore groundedness, while ze helps me to explore flight.
Full of faith, gentle, eager, generous, creative. Ze loves sculpting with wire, writing, laughing, creating expressions of self, sharing with others, dancing with the fae and communing with the trees.

Ava

deep friend, spirit-kin

mourningdoveava: Met through LJ, via an addme community. Known since August 2007, close since October 2007. Lives in NY. :-(

Ava is my spirit-kin, and possibly another spirit-twin! (I will have to meet zir in person before I can tell that, I think.) We already have the strong emotional connection -- recently ze went through an intense spiritual experience while talking to me on IM, and I felt it so strongly that I cried. That surprised me but looking back it is not so shocking -- I just didn't expect to find more than one person so like to me in spirit, so easy to sense. ♥ I absolutely cannot fucking wait to meet zir. Our conversations are so incredibly deep and invariably teach me something or help me to clarify some of my truth. We are so alike! Both very growth-learning-love focused.
Extremely compassionate, open-minded, open, honest, expressive, unafraid to be different. Ze loves communicating, helping people, writing, Japan, languages, cultures, feminism/equalism, showing love.

Kat

(Firekat, kit-kat)

deep friend, soul-kin

kmiotutsie: Met through LJ, via an addme community. Known since Dec 2004, close since Nov 2006, met May 2007. Lives in CO :-(

Kat has a passion for life and a freedom of spirit like none other. Ze is vibrant, open, honest, and unafraid. I think ze lives more connectedly than most people -- and by that I mean in connection with the movement of life (yes, vague, but it's undefinable dammit!). And yet ze is so easygoing and relaxed, and totally open-minded! It's a paradoxical mix that I love. My favorite thing about zir would probably be zir accepting, open attitude about life. Ze never dismisses anything out of hand, and seems to see life as a series of opportunities -- ze's not easily set back. Ze doesn't live within laws, self-imposed or otherwise. Fiery, creative, understanding, loving.

I made the necklace ze's wearing in the photo :D

Nick

deep friend, heart-kin

aquilian: Met zir through Hannah. Known of since July 2005, became close when ze visited in June/July 2007. Lives in Scotland :-(

Nick is Hannah's partner, and I am not sure on what level we connect, but connect we definitely do. We have amazing conversations and feel so very at ease with each other. Ze and I don't keep in close contact because ze is not so long-distance-communicative, but when in person we very much enjoy each other's presence. I think if we lived nearby ze would be a very active part of my life.
Very thoughtful, generous, philosophical, honest, open-minded, kind. Ze loves deep discussions, feminism/equalism, photography, gaming, learning.

lil sis

biological sister

little sister -- known since ze was born (10 years after me), started getting close in Jan 2007. Lives in PA :-(

This girl amazes me. Zir strength and zir fire and zir resilience... wow. Ze's so brave. Ze's been through a hell of a lot for zir few years, and hasn't lost zir fierceness... and zir compassion amazes me. Ze's also a talented artist and I look forward to seeing zir blossom creatively and personally. Ze seems very open-minded and willing to grow and change, and I think that is just wonderful.

Kate

(kate-love)

close friend

clown_frog: Met zir through LJ, via an addme community. Known since Nov 2004, close from Dec 2005 (less so in 2007-on because of lack of internet). Lives in Scotland :-(

Ze's quiet and shy, but very passionate and opinionated! Ze's very inquisitive, very thoughtful, and zir questions and observations always make me think hard. Ze's a fierce feminist, which is SO inspiring! I love how ze stretches my mind. And ze has such a beautiful spirit, very gentle and compassionate. Also, somehow ze always seems to understand me perfectly, so zir comments are always encouraging, because they make me feel understood. My favorite quality of zirs would probably be zir thirst for understanding. Ze reminds me of what famous philosophers must have been like. ;-) Philosophical, artistic, compassionate, generous.

Meliae

(meliae, melli)

close friend

earthy_goddess: Met zir through LJ, ze went googling for curvy-positive stuff, found the curvygirls comm, and though that, me! Known since Jan 2007, close from Feb - May 2007. Lives in Denmark :-(

We became very close very fast -- we understand each other so very well. Ze's extremely compassionate, and feels things deeply. Ze has a passion for learning and helping others to learn, which is something I share -- we like to talk about alternate ways of learning and teaching, and the importance of self-education. Ze's very open and honest, so we converse about every aspect of our lives. In a very short time after meeting zir, I knew ze was going to be a big part of my life. I look forward to the development of our friendship. ♥ Compassionate, generous, curious, open.

(((there are other friends I consider part of my tribe (Ry, Nea, Vee, Ali, Joanna, Sarah, Jedidiah, Eric, Sidhe...), but are not included because I don't often talk about them here. And all of my flist is my extended tribe ;-) but if I put everyone in this would be even more ridiculously long)))

People I occasionally talk/write about and have casual/infrequent contact with.

Spencer & Paula

(the wynnes)

spiritual parents

Met them through Liberty church. Known for 4 years, close for the 1.5 years, casual after that. Live in GA, about 0.5 hours from me.

     Spencer and Paula are a couple with whom I lived for a year, chauffeuring/mentoring their kids (Gabe and William) in exchange for room and board. Living with them taught me what family is like -- they accepted me as I was, loved me, and helped me in any way they could. I still consider them my spiritual parents. Paula I love because ze is vibrant, cheerful, and intensely loving, and ze honestly cares about me. Spencer I love because ze is the best father I've ever known -- ze and Paula both had children from previous relationships, and ze took zir son, Gabe, into zir heart and loved zir every bit as much as William, zir biological son. Ze shows absolutely no preference -- and that amazes me. I also love zir because ze trusted me almost immediately (when someone gives me their trust I feel immensely grateful, especially if I hold them in high esteem), and because ze supported me and showed interest in my jewelry business -- just because it was important to me.
     I lived with them for a year, then moved out to get married. Six months later I moved into a house in their neighborhood and spent a loooooot of time with Paula, who was having a very difficult pregnancy and had to be on bed rest. I'd walk over every day and we'd talk and talk, I'd make zir lunch and bring zir drinks... then zir mom moved in to help and I wasn't needed, so I just drove zir to doctor's appointments (because zir mom doesn't drive).
     I still love them all so much, and it absolutely kills me that I'm not part of baby Risa's life. I wish I had the guts to just show up on their doorstep sometimes, but every time I see them I end up crying and crying (after I leave) because I want to be part of the family again. I'm so very grateful for the love and acceptance they gave me, and how much they taught me about love and family ♥ They're all amazing.

Gabe

spiritual little bro

Met him through Liberty church. Known for 4 years, close for the 1.5 years, casual after that. Lives in GA, about 0.5 hours from me.

This is my (spiritual) little brother. (he calls me sis ♥) Ze's one of the most honest, growth-seeking, and good-hearted people I've ever known, and while ze has zir flaws ze is unique among every other teenager I've ever met in that, when confronted about a bad habit or other problem, ze will be honestly sorry and try to change. (and ze's been like that since I met him when ze was sixteen!) Ze thinks of me as zir older sister, and turns to me for advice sometimes, which makes me feel so trusted. Ze's grown up so much in the past few years... I'm so proud of him.

SabR

good friend

sabr: Met zir through LJ, ze added me first. Known since Apr 2006. Lives in GA, about 2.5 hours from me. We were pretty close for a while but then I made some choices that broke zir trust (and the trust of zir chosen family) and it hasn't been the same since then. I still really enjoy zir company though, and I have hope that we can build it back.

So wild and fierce! I am fascinated with how determinedly ze seeks growth and maturing. And ze's incredibly supportive and openminded. I love how ze is so open about the areas ze feels ze needs to grow in, it's a beautiful thing. Honest, bold, untamed, growing. One of the things I find most intriguing about zir is zir affinity with wolves; I feel like I have learned a lot from both SabR and Kazi about animal-spirits, and I cherish that knowledge.

Kazi

friend

malignlibra: Met zir through LJ, via SabR. Known since Sep 2006. Lives in GA, about 2.5 hours from me. We were once approaching closeness but then I made some choices that broke zir trust (and the trust of zir chosen family) and it hasn't been the same since. I do not know if we will ever be close but I am glad to have kept contact.

Ze's been through a lot of painful experiences and I'm amazed at zir resilience and depth of caring. Ze has such a vibrant heart, very giving. Ze and SabR have a beautiful sister-friendship, it's incredible to be with them and feel the easy, secure connection there. I admire them both for having developed a permanent friendship. Quiet, intense, true, loyal.

elya

(Shine)

friend, sister-in-law

Nimajn's twin, my friend -- met zir through our parents attending the same church. Known for 16 years, friends for about that long. Lives in GA, just down the road.

Ze's kindhearted and very innocent. Ze's one of the most encouraging people I've ever met -- I don't think I've ever heard zir say a negative word about anyone, though ze has admitted to a mild dislike for certain people. If I make zir sound sweet and vanilla, that's cause ze is -- and not a tiny bit of it is fake. I don't think elya is capable of being fake.

Rebecca

(Accaber, Glow)

~~best~~ friend, sister-in-law

Nimajn's younger sister, my friend -- met zir through our parents attending the same church. Known for 16 years. Best friends for 5 years, casual friends for the past 5. Lives in NM.

We were very close for years, called each other every day, told each other everything... but then I moved, and we both felt deserted by the other, and we drifted apart. We've also just changed, and we have very little in common now. We've forgiven each other for all the hurt, but haven't really renewed our relationship. Ze got married last summer, and I cried my fucking guts out because it felt like the final ending to our friendship... and even though I had gotten married, deep in my heart there was still younger-me who wanted to go live in the woods with zir, far away from everyone, and commune with each other and nature forever. I still miss zir, and yet I feel like I can't make a move to reconnect, it feels like there is sooo much distance, too much difference; I don't know zir, we don't speak the same language any more. And I can't bear to find proof that we are too different to reconnect.

the relatives

biofamily and in-laws

Patty (my mom) -- gentle, sensitive, hardworking. We get along okay; ze respects me although ze doesn't really understand me. We're not close, and won't be until ze finalizes zir divorce. In the past I have disliked zir for allowing my father to be abusive to zir and zir children, but I respect that ze is trying to change now, and I hope that eventually we will have a friendly relationship.
Mark (my biological father) -- selfish, controlling, abusive. Ze is the most skilled liar I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I do not respect or like zir one tiny bit; the three things I value most in a person are honesty, openness, and compassion, and ze has (nearly) none of any of those. If ze changes, admits all the wrong ze has done to myself, my mother, brother and especially my sister, is genuinely sorry and begins to work toward being honest/open and compassionate, then I will be willing to have a relationship with him. But I don't believe that will ever happen.
Miss Kathleen (Nimajn's mom) -- sensitive, compassionate, generous. Ze used to call me zir 'other daughter' when I was best friends with Rebecca, and ze was the only adult I felt I could depend on during my teens. We have a very casual relationship now.
Mr. Ben (Nimajn's dad) -- quiet, caring, creative. I've never been close with zir, but I respect him, and I enjoy having the occasional debate with him.

Mark and Patty live in PA, Nimajn's parents live five minutes away.

Bob -- storeyphoto. Ze's the only family member (besides lil sis) who reads my journal -- which means a lot to me because I feel that if someone is truly interested in me, they will be interested in my journal. (also, ze's the only one I liked and trusted enough to invite to read it) Ze's just an awesome person in general, with a lot of knowledge about -- well, most everything. Ze's an awesome photographer and we've worked together many times, including an incredible shoot with Hannah and I.
Samuel -- Nimajn's 4-years-younger brother.
Sadie -- Nimajn's 6-years-younger (foster) sister.
Natty -- Nimajn's 6-years-younger brother.
JJ -- Nimajn's 8-years-younger brother.
S -- my 4-years-younger biological brother, lives in PA and is not a part of my life.

People I occasionally talk/write about, but who are not an active part of my life.

Kaylene
(Glisten)

~~deep friend~~

mayana: Met zir through a group counseling series. Very close from Oct 2003 - Feb 2004, then lost contact through moves, parting was benevolent. I still have confidence that we'll be close friends again eventually.

We were just beginning an incredible friendship when several terrible things happened to zir at once, and ze decided having a deep friendship with me was too much for zir at the time. I respected that, but was sad that we lost something precious right after we found it. Ze's a deep, passionate person, who is intense in everything ze does, and ze doesn't commit half-way. Ze's a talented singer/songwriter and dancer, an artist in every sense of the word. We had so many things in common in our history and we understood each other -- I think ze was the first person I had met who was at all like me, it was amazing. Ze was completely open and honest with me after we decided to be close, and we bonded so deeply that within four months of first meeting zir, I asked zir to be one of my bridesmaids. Zir fearlessness and determination to be who ze wanted to be inspired me greatly, and helped set me on the path to becoming my true self.

Allison
(Del, Sparkle)

~~close friend~~

jedibubbles: Met zir in high school, 11th grade. Known since 1999, close from 99-01, then slowly drifted apart when we both moved away for college. In April 2006 ze cut contact with me, but I hope that somewhere down the line we'll be friends again.

Allison is an extremely talented artist with a brilliant mind. When we were friends, zir energy was contagious, and I loved being around zir because ze gave me a fresh love for life. After being around zir I either wanted to dance or write -- zir creativity just flowed like a river. Ze encouraged me artistically -- in my writing (ze read my novel-in-progress and creature-ideas and gave feedback) and painting and jewelry (ze commissioned several pieces and wore them proudly and told everyone who complimented them to go to my website and buy them). I'm grateful for all the inspiration ze gave me and I value zir so much.
I recently (Apr 2008) contacted zir again and apologized for any hurt I may have caused, and ze forgave me. I left it at that, for now. It feels good to have closure.

Ashley
(previously Alariya)

~~deep friend~~

buraburay: Met zir through elya -- the two of them were best friends at one time. Known for many years, very close for one year. Friendship ended Dec 2006 when ze wounded me deeply and chose to cut contact.
We had been close for about 8 months, I had urged/pushed/helped/counseled zir through a nasty breakup with an abusive boyfriend and we were growing closer all the time. I was thinking about committing to soulfriendship (platonic marriage) because, except for the commitment to permanence, we pretty much had one. I told zir this and told zir that there was one trust issue that had to be gotten out of the way first -- ze had been (subconsciously, I think) imitating my likes/dislikes/beliefs. Ze agreed to work on it, telling me that soulfriendship with me was what ze wanted more than anything in the world, and I was looking forward to it. Then Lily came down, and I had a complete breakdown (I had been going through a terrible time, which ze knew), and ze left me weeping and broken and went out to have fun with Lily. I was very hurt by this, and when I expressed that to zir, ze ignored me for three weeks and then told me that ze didn't want to be friends anymore.
About a year after this, I messaged Ashley and told zir that I forgave zir, and that I was sorry for any hurt I might have caused zir. I offered to have a conversation for the sake of closure and healing, so we talked, and it felt really good to talk to zir again. A while after that I spent a few days at zir apartment and realized that the breakup and year after had made deep changes in both of us that created a lot of distance, and I think ze felt it too because we fell mostly out of contact again after that. I'm open to being friends again, but trust would have to be re-created, and I don't think ze is at the point where ze can devote energy to that.

Anika

~~close friend~~

eternitywaiting: Met zir through LJ, via an addme community. Known since Nov 2004, close from 2005 - 2006, ended Mar 2006 when ze wounded me and chose to cut contact.
Met and got to know zir through LJ, we were pretty close. Ze came down for a week during a time when ze was having a lot of struggles in zir marriage, and I supported zir emotionally for the week. We also talked about our connection -- we were very alike in certain ways. I felt that we really bonded through that time, and I offered zir soulfriendship. Ze told me that ze didn't feel able to do that at the time, and I accepted that; I no longer wanted a soulfriendship at the time, because soulfriendship is something that both people have to desire passionately. Ze said that ze might want one in the future, so I was still hoping, but I was fine with not having it. Ze didn't believe that I was fine, felt pressured to hurry up and be ready, so decided that ze didn't want a friendship with me at all and ended it by sending me an email that said horrible things about me. That was hard to recover from, because I had thought ze had a positive opinion of me, but eventually I realized that ze had chosen to believe those things about me in order to feel okay ending the relationship.
Almost exactly 2 years after the breakup, ze emailed me and apologized for the way it ended. Ze was incredibly humble and thoughtful in her apology and I was very grateful. I wrote zir back and apologized for my part in it, which I had never really realized before because I had been thinking of how I would feel in zir situation, instead of how ZE would feel, which is quite different. Neither of us suggested starting up a friendship again yet, but I think at some point we definitely will be friends again.

*stops editing and goes to bed*

Kanika got spayed today and might kill me.

2008-04-17T21:41:25Z

I just got Kanika spayed today and I'm a little afraid ze's waiting until I relax and then ze's gonna kill me *fear* Ze was wild at the vet -- though they said ze had been moderately cooperative until then. And ze hates the pellet litter they told me to get :-/ Ze keeps getting in, scratching a little and then coming to look at me in bewilderment. *worries* And IIIII keep looking over my shoulder in fear. ack! if I suddenly stop posting, you know why.

ETA: ze used it, yay.

HILARITY

2008-04-16T10:50:52Z

this just made me laugh as much as the first time -- until I cried, lost my breath, got a headache from lack of oxygen, and nearly peed myself.

in love with everyone, awed at the beautiful intricacy of people / the stories we have to tell

2008-04-16T09:44:52Z

the wonderful thing about falling in love is that you learn everything about that person, and so quickly! and if it's true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes, and it brings out the best in you... it's almost as if you are falling in love with yourself.

Being in love... I feel in love with everyone, everything. It feels almost too much to bear to go out in public because everyone is so impossibly beautiful and wonderful it overwhelms me. I want to kneel at the feet of each person and honor their unutterably amazing, fascinating Self. It's like being hurried through a gallery of the most intricate, meaningful paintings, and only getting the merest glimpse of each one. I have felt this for always, but never so strongly. Never so fully.

Everyone is so important. Whenever I hear of someone dying, I feel a loss because most likely, that person's wisdom, their view, has been lost to all of us who are still here. The thing they had to teach us rests only in the minds of those who knew them, and soon fades. I want everyone's story! If our education consisted of learning others' life stories, how wise would we be? How much would we understand? That is the true wisdom, learning other people. If you learn even one person in a deep way, you learn more than you could ever know from all the objective facts.

Instead we hurry (or are hurried) through the gallery of life, taking perfunctory glimpses, and don't even consider that each painting is more than a splash of random color. (we concentrate on the walls and floor!) We don't even look at ourselves, thinking that we are just random splotches too. Most of the time we draw curtains over most of ourselves so that others can't see our 'splotchiness' -- and we rob others of the joy, the wisdom, the love that they could get from seeing our trueselves. And we measure everything by how it matches the little we know of our own colors, instead of exploring, delving into others and realizing how amazing it is that we all have so much intricacy, so much complexity that we could gaze and gaze forever and there would always be something we hadn't noticed before.

I want to cry out, don't hide! please don't hide from me, I want to honor you. I want to know absolutely everything about you. When I offer you the opportunity to gaze at my trueself, please don't flinch and hide yourself, open to me also. We are the same, perfect in our difference.

I have a fanciful dream of going to nursing homes with a recorder and begging stories from the aged people there. Transcribing and editing, and starting a blog/website, signing each story with the owner's name, maybe even including a photo of them when they were the age of the story, and one of now... Passing on just a little of their intricacy, for others to learn from. And then, bringing the thanks of readers back to them. Probably would be a legalistic nightmare... still.

This is a big part of the reason LJ is so important to me. Here, people pull back the curtains -- some a little, some a lot -- and I can learn others. And I can explore myself, and save my discoveries so that others can see my intricacy as well. I want to offer people the chance to know me, because just like everyone else, deep knowledge of me brings wisdom. I am a facet of God/dess that no one else can ever show.

a whole new kind of risk-taking: Lilylight & Hannah / Ava / oh joy!

2008-04-15T05:50:35Z

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

A little backstory: Two years ago I met Lilylight when ze came down to visit our mutual friend Ashley. Lilylight and I had been LJ friends for a while but I had never really gotten a sense of zir, but when we met in person there was an instant connection. We both felt it so strongly, but Lilylight was beginning a romantic relationship with Ashley (and Mike) who did not want zir to respect/explore the connection with me. Through a nasty series of events, Lilylight ended up cutting contact with me. I was hurt and saddened but believed with all my heart that the connection would eventually be restored.

In February, Lilylight (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to Nimajneb and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Lilylight proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Lilylight told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Lilylight and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Lilylight understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Lilylight's ex, my former friend) contacted Lilylight again, and Lilylight felt that ze needed to explore their connection and see what happened. I was very uncomfortable with this at first because while I have forgiven Ashley, I do not trust zir. But Lilylight and I had a long discussion about openness and honesty, and Lilylight shared zir heart freely with me, and while I was still uncomfortable with Ashley I felt that Lilylight and I had strengthened our connection enough that Ashley would not separate us again. That night I had a dream about the three of us, in which I saw Lilylight as certain that ze wanted to be with me and not Ashley (in a romantic way), and after that I felt comfortable with Lilylight being friends with Ashley. About a week after that, Lilylight realized that old destructive patterns were still coming between zir and Ashley, so ze let Ashley know that ze did not want contact with zir at this point.

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does Nimajneb, my partner, think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Lilylight, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

So, heh, what all this means is that I have gone from one lover to two to three to one and a triad to three again, all in the span of a few weeks, plus the realization of another very strong connection. I've only now gotten enough time to put all the pieces together in a verbal way... I'm still awed and thrilled and amazed and... wow. Oh, and let me tell you -- March 7th was when I started saying this affirmation, and March 19th was when Lilylight first told me she was in love with me, and when I began falling in love with her. Notice the edits I had made since saying it before: "... all of my dreams come true. I attract miraculous happenings and open, honest, loving, connected people. ... People fall in love with me, and I fall in love with them. All of my friendships grow stronger and healthier." I had believed in the power of words/faith/prayer/gratitude already but I have never seen it happen SO DRAMATICALLY. This is... beyond words. Life and death are in the power of the tongue, for sure.

I have felt unable to post about this until now because I needed all that time to process it, and because I was a little afraid that people would assume that Hannah and I were going to get together romantically because of our connection, because some assumed that when we were soulfriends. It would have been easily possible for me to stay platonic with zir, or with Lily for that matter. But I know you all know this. ;-)

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Lilylight is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Lily is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

I killz u wif kyoot lolcats

2008-04-14T05:17:20Z

too much sirisnes. need mor funnehs! an kyoots.

an I wil giv u dem!

*chomps happeh apl sumwun!*

dun worreh, I wil not be kuntinyooin dis lolcat speek. I saves it fur mai luvurs.

al frum heer