i spent last evening with the rather wonderful iris, immodica. had a super time, we have so much in common and it was SO easy to talk to her, we laughed a lot too! :)) (thanks iris! ♥)

at some point we started talking about nvc and she mentioned how it can easily be thrown onto the tree-hugging, peace-loving, hippie-esque new age heap of self help [not that she felt this way about it, we were just discussing it]. and basically, i've heard that said before; nvc = hippie shit. this is such a shame to me. i know it's easy to brush nvc off as hippie shit when someone takes it at face value, or even when delved into every so slightly more deeply, it's a safe thing to do. to do that probably meets a need for safety/ order etc. i just want to say though that even though nvc has the words 'non-violence' in its name and even though the words 'feelings & needs' come up a lot, when you go to an IIT, one of the first things marshall rosenberg (founder of NVC) might say is this:

"i am from detroit, and sometimes when i'm in conflict, all i want to say to the other person is: 'go fuck yourself and it'll be the worst sex you've ever had'".

it's not just love, peace fluff and happiness. to me, it's a highly effective tool, very pragmatic, practical tool with which i can communicate differently with people and transform conflict more easily. in addition it creates a quality of connection, deepens intimacy with other, and heals old wounds within myself.

others fear it points to weakness, because exposing one's feelings and talk about needs, surely is a weakness. yes; that is what society has taught us for many many years; having feelings = being weak. (?) so then i suppose we are all weak, but hiding it well.

to me; it takes extreme courage, strength and guts to open up and talk about those feelings/ needs. the strongest person, to me, is those who dare to expose themselves.

everything we do in life, everything we are = feelings and needs - how come we keep denying them?

here an interesting article by catherina cadden, bringing NVC into schools - I met her in albuquerque in December 07.

Social Change: Taking NVC to School

by Catherine Cadden

My heart opens with each teen I meet, knowing the courage they maintain in a society that continues to labels so many as "marginalized", "dangerous", "lazy", "lost"...you can probably name the rest. Staying aware that my own need for belonging is not met until all teens sense their own belonging is one of my driving motivations in my work for social change.

I jump at any chance to bring NVC to teens, and jump I did, last February at the Albuquerque IIT. Our retreat center not only overlooked the spectacular Rio Grande Valley, it also came with a sea of 1,400 high school students that we swam through each day as we walked to our meals. On day two of the IIT, I realized that this would be a great opportunity to share my love of working with teens with some of the participants.

I went immediately to the director at the retreat center to inquire about who to speak with at the Catholic high school about bringing in NVC. Next thing I knew, she'd left a message for the school counselor, and by the next morning I got an email letting me know he had recently heard about NVC and was curious.

At his request to offer a school-wide assembly, my first thought was, "Yikes!" An assembly would surely be too big a space for too little time! After empathy, feedback, and some sound advice from others, I felt clear about keeping to my plan of going directly into a class. After a few emails and a couple of days, voila! There were two classes for us to attend on Wednesday, and I soon had eight eager IIT participants to bring with me to each class.
One lesson I've learned in my experience of bringing NVC into schools is not to judge what class I go to...we were walking into Pre-Calculus. And another is not to judge how long it takes to make authentic connections. With only a quick thirty minutes due to a schedule shortened by Ash Wednesday ceremonies, I began to rush through my dialogue about "Hard to Hear Messages". Suddenly, a student seated in front of me said, loud enough for all to hear, "You're a hypocrite!"

Like a bell of mindfulness, it brought me right back to the moment. I squatted in front of the desk to be at eye level with him and offered, "Is it hard to trust what you are hearing?" He responded that although I was talking about connection, I was not leaving enough time for students to answer questions. I asked, "You'd really like to have your answers heard?" He looked me right in the eye and said, "Yes!" I replied by expressing gratitude for his helping me to slow down and live what I was teaching. I began again repeating the questions and the group dropped into deeper discussion.

I thanked him again as he was leaving class. Before the other IIT participants and I could walk back to debrief our experience, both the teacher and the counselor approached me. With tears in his eyes, the counselor said, "I have not seen any adult respond to that kid in that way before. Could we talk about getting more NVC in here." He let me know that that particular student lived with many of the "labels" afforded a teen in our society and teachers were frustrated with "how to deal with him". The teacher added that this was the first day she had seen her students stay after the bell and not want to leave class. I have continued contact with both of them as we try to bring more trainings into this school. The counselor is seeing what he can do about getting NVC to be a class choice for students.

Connection before education has been my mantra since I first heard Marshall say it at a training in 1996. In this and many other experiences I've had, the quality of connection plants the seeds of social change--no matter the time or place.

Catherine Cadden is a Certified Trainer who lives in Mt. Shasta, CA. In addition to having offered NVC in the US, Argentina, Canada and South Africa, she also founded the TEMBA School in 1997.