I'm dropping out of LJ idol. ( why )

So if you've friended me thanks to LJ Idol and you don't feel a connection, feel free to unfriend.

and if you know of a group that does journaling prompts without a competition (still with many-views-one-topic), please let me know.

( my greatest challenge is always the one in front of me )

I've declared 2008 the year of risk-taking, and here are my goals (stars by the ones I have already taken steps in):

• take risks! when I have an opportunity that I am uncomfortable taking, take it!
  --- ★ -- longer drives, less familiar territory
  --- ★ -- meet more people; get involved with groups
  --- ★ -- take the initiative to make plans with friends
  --- find local events and go to them, alone!
  --- take at least one long bus trip to visit out-of-state friends (I've never taken a bus)
  --- go skinnydipping at least once
  --- go to at least one concert
  --- get passport, travel out of the States! (I've never been out of the US)
  --- go to Scotland & Belgium, meet Kate and Meliae, spend time with Hannah and Nick!
  --- maybe, just maybe, go skydiving. *eeeeek*


• develop spiritually
  --- grow closer to God/dess
  --- ★ -- practice listening to my spirit and following my intuition!!!
  --- write more about my spiritual journey
  --- ★ -- go to church more & read more spiritual books
  --- visit the Etowah mounds a few times, maybe once a month after it gets warm.


• get stronger
  --- ★ -- go to curves three times a week, stay active
  --- take a self-defense class
  --- do the nocturnal treetop excursion in April
  --- dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.


• create more
  --- ★ -- make more jewelry
  --- paint more (get an easel, maybe find a painting buddy)
  --- ★ -- photography (take more and especially SHARE more)


• decorate myself more; develop a wardrobe that is more expressive of me.
  --- get streaks of violet in my hair when it gets to the right length
  --- get at least one tattoo!
  --- ★ -- get more 'me' clothing and go to the trouble of arranging outfits rather than wearing the easiest thing to put on.
  --- ★ -- find more of my meaningful rings and fix my soul ring :-(


• bring more love and joy into the world:
  --- leave 'you are beautiful' notes, make trinkets to give away
  --- ★ -- give genuine, full smiles to people rather than this wan thing I've gotten in the habit of
  --- strike up more conversations with strangers


• meet more of my lj friends!
  --- ★ -- meet at least 5 4 new I haven't before! (met Katie, yay!)
  --- visit Kat (once it gets warm)
  --- maybe visit Megan & Dee, Ali, Katie, Vee & Nea? too many for one year probably but I'll aim for the stars.
  --- meet Ava (and maybe Ry and Dani), maybe during a stopover in NY on May 27th? I may have a 3-to-10 hour stopover, so if you live near JFK airport and wanna meet me, let me know asap because I am (*deep breath*) BUYING THE TICKET THIS WEEK! It's a little cheaper to go through Toronto so if nobody wants to can meet me I'll be going that way instead.
  --- any of you *points to flist* are welcome to come visit me anytime, as long as you don't mind sharing a bed or crashing on the couch. *sigh* hopefully this time next year we will have guest space.


• Self-educate:
  --- ★ -- read 55 books or 17,171 pages this year, keep a running list, and post updates!
  --- keep at least a 1-to-4 ratio of non-fiction to fiction.
  --- maybe take art classes? or ASL? I want to learn so badly!


• ★ -- further develop my soulfriendship with Nimajneb
  
• create a new soulfriendship or restore an old one.
  
• find a girlfriend
  
• ★ -- post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, as often as I am moved to do so

This is a topic that many people are deeply invested in. It tears down a ranking system, and that always causes uproar -- even from those whom it oppresses. Those whom it oppresses may not be the highest in the ranking system, but at least they aren't as 'bad' as those below them, and for those who have low self esteem, that comparison is very important. Also, there is simply a fear of the unknown -- in this case, life without a certain type of comparison.

Health cannot be accurately measured by weight. (neither can beauty, but that is another subject) Our society has a ranking system called BMI -- a number calculated by your height and weight -- that supposedly tells us how healthy we are. The more healthy, the better, as we praise supposedly 'fit' people. However, this ranking system is inherently flawed. First of all, it was created as a tool for statistical analysis -- to be able to create groups based on rough body size, for studies. It was never intended to be a measurement of health, and has not been tested for accuracy. For instance, no one has ever proven that a 5'5" woman is any more healthy at 140 pounds than she is at 120 or 160. You'd think with a chart used to diagnose people as being healthy, extensive testing would have been done at every level -- but since BMI was not intended for that purpose, it has not been.

BMI does not take into account muscle (which weighs more than fat) or frame size, and more importantly it does not take into account how active a person is or how healthily they eat. Many studies have shown that activity level has far more to do with fitness than weight does. Weight is a symptom of ill health -- it only becomes a cause of ill health in extreme cases. Increasing one's fitness will do much more for one's health than decreasing one's weight. We think we can look at a person and determine how fit they are by how thick they are -- but the fat and active are healthier than the thin and inactive.

( quotes and links )

LJ idol topic 13: "Current Events" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))

This week's LJ idol topic: "My Most Annoying Personality Trait"

I don't believe people have negative personality traits, because that implies that the negative quality is inherent. I think people are beautiful at core, though they may pick up negative traits in the same way that a the most beautiful cloth would pick up dirt and debris if you were to drag it along the ground. And I don't believe it is possible to stain the human spirit -- some things are harder to wash out than others, but nothing is impossible to remove because it does not become part of us -- the negative cannot reach our core.

So I decided to give the topic a slight change: "My Most Annoying Personality Obfuscation" (to obfuscate is to make so unclear/opaque as to be difficult to perceive/understand).

And here it is: I yield to fear and let it control me. Not emotionally, no -- I think I am one of most emotionally brave people I've ever known -- but physically. I'm afraid of any physical risk, no matter how illogical or minute. Just walking alone halfway across the neighborhood to get my mail is a major accomplishment for me because in some alternate universe I could get mugged or kidnapped (I live in a very safe area). I sometimes go into the side yard to take photos of my jewelry, but if anyone comes by I get nervous and uncomfortable and scurry back inside like a mouse. As far as driving, once I push myself out of the flat I can comfortably drive anywhere that I am familiar with, but I am afraid to drive further than 30 minutes from my flat and I can't go anywhere that would require a map because I am afraid of getting lost. If I'm with someone else I don't have this problem, but I have no friends nearby so it's a big part of my life, and it's infuriating.

I'm not sure how this fear came back into my life -- a few years ago I spent nearly a year literally housebound from fear (when I was working through childhood sexual abuse in counseling) but as I progressed I lost that fear, and then this year it crept up on me again. Perhaps it feeds on depression, because this has been a supremely bad year; whatever the case, I am determined to overcome it. Last year I almost lost several of my friends because of canceling on them several times thanks to this senseless phobia -- it will not cause me or my friends such pain again. And I can only imagine the number of opportunities that I have lost because I have not gone out to discover them.

This year is the year of physical risk-taking for me. I've started off small, with a goal of going out at least three times a week to Curves -- barely a mile from my flat. But it is a step that will make other steps easier, because with increased strength I have more confidence, and when I feel strong enough I plan to take a self-defense class. And in April I hope to be strong enough to join in a nocturnal treetop excursion -- nighttime and trees are two of my greatest passions. I will not miss this opportunity! I do hope that I will have a friend to go with me but I am determined to go even if I go alone. And in the meantime I will challenge myself with meeting new people and going new places alone.

Next year I hope to look back and say "Wow, I can't believe I was ever that fearful. I'm so glad to be free!"

LJ idol topic 12: "My Most Annoying Personality Trait Obfuscation" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))

((for those coming in from LJ idol, not seeing the lj-cut -- at the bottom of this post is a nude image, so scroll carefully if you want to avoid it.))

I like that this topic came up this week, because it was just this weekend that I realized that LJ idol was changing my journaling style in a way I didn't like. I wasn't intentionally censoring, but I was writing for an audience instead of myself. Right now I'm wrestling with the desire to fancy up this entry, but I am determined to stop this trend, so I will smooth no rough edges and add no lace.

I've had my LJ since 2003 -- more than four years now. Over that time I've made an incredible journey thanks to my LJing ways. Not long after I started my LJ I decided that I wanted to be more open and honest, and that I wanted to use my journal as a way to reach that goal. I began to share my thoughts and feelings publicly, which was very difficult at first; but as I shared, I grew closer to my friends and they became more supportive, which made me able to share deeper levels of myself. The rare attack served to strengthen me, because I stood up for myself with the validation of my friends. In 'real' life I became more outgoing and confident, because I had learned that people respond positively to confident vulnerability and earnestness, and that the occasional negative reaction cannot possibly overwhelm all the positive reactions.

The more open and honest I become, the more I value transparency. It extends to every part of my life -- I dislike secrets, do not care for privacy, and cannot stand lies. I don't believe that there is a such thing as TMI because I don't think anything should be taboo to speak of. I do not like hiding in any way -- concealing makeup, figure-altering clothing (or indeed, any clothing at all), keeping quiet when my spirit demands that I speak up, acting strong when I am weak, etc. I want to be on the outside the same as I am on the inside. There have been times when I have been afraid to post something because I worried that my friends list might react negatively; I saw those topics as a challenge, and once I had gathered enough courage I posted them.

My outspokenness has caused issues in my face-to-face relationships, but the only thing that has caused a significant issue here on LJ is my love of nudity. I've lost a handful of friends over it, one which I really miss (the others not so much). I take nude self-portraits and model for art nudes, and I share the images online. I consider nudity natural and pure (though it has been fetishized by society); some do not share my opinion and consider it crass or even wicked. Others are comfortable with the idea of nude modeling, but are made uncomfortable by me posting the images in my journal and using nude icons. I have made the compromise of putting large nude photos under an lj-cut that is labeled with a warning, but I will not give up my nude icons. Icons are a person's image on LJ, and nudity as pure art is a very important part of who I am.

When I realize my actions are making someone uncomfortable, I consider changing. I weigh how important the issue is to me with how much it bothers the other person, and why. If it is not an important part of my being and that person is speaking for themselves, I am happy to change to accommodate a friend. However, if the issue concerns something that I consider a vital part of who I am, I will change it for no one. For instance, I will not lie for someone (except perhaps in a life and death situation). Also, if I consider the person to be speaking for society instead of speaking for themselves, I am not likely to change because I do not care about society. I don't have to worry much about that one because I don't really attract those who tend to speak for society; I attract those who, like me, enjoy having their mindsets upended.


( NWS for nudity of course -- a self-portrait from my latest series )

LJ idol topic 10: "Whose LJ is it anyway?" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))

( my results for the 2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz )

wow! I'm the only one I've seen with mixed color rankings ;-) (and apparently no R or D candidate agrees with me more than 65%, shocking) I didn't expect to have so many blues in the top! Although ironically I'd probably vote for the libertarian (running as republican?) -- at the bottom of this list. I'd prefer Wayne Allyn Root or Christine Smith, but they don't have as much support at the moment.

speaking of voting...



(voting ends Monday Jan 14th at 1pm EST)

( recommendation list -- complete! )

( Missy Higgins -- Scar )

I see scars as very beautiful; they are proof of pain not only survived, but healed. Physical scars are beautiful to me, but the scars that can't be seen are the ones that truly awe me.

Scars are not wounds plus time. I don't know who came up with the idea that time heals all wounds, but that's bullshit. Time is a poor doctor; try using time to heal a broken leg. The wound might close up, but the leg will never heal properly, and will always hurt. Non-physical wounds are no different! Time can handle a minor scratch, but for a deep wound it can do no more than close the obvious gap. Allowing deep wounds to close on the surface does not bring much relief -- the slightest bump sends fresh pain searing throughout one's being.

Scars are healed wounds, hard-earned at the price of more pain than the initial wound. Cleaning it, stitching it, sometimes re-setting bones -- there is no emotional anesthesia for healing a wound. It's so much easier to leave the wound unhealed and just take emotional painkillers: work, alcohol/drugs, sex, entertainment, even caregiving. Scars are worn by those who are willing/able to suffer pain for the sake of wholeness, determined to regain the full life taken away by their wounds.

I still have unhealed wounds. Time closed them over and now they are not so easy to find, but when bumped against they make themselves felt. Some of them are so deep I am still afraid to open them up, but I will get there.

My scars are my greatest strengths. The weapons of sexual, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse left me with wounds of shame, self-hate, isolation, cynicism, judgment, deceit, and loneliness. But after healing -- with help from counselors who helped to cleanse and friends who helped to bind my wounds -- I am left with the scars of openness, freedom, self-love, connection, faith, compassion, honesty, and love. That which destroyed me now nourishes me. Perhaps I would have gained these things without the initial wounding -- who can know? -- but I don't think I could have felt the full scope of them if I had not started from the farthest point. I don't regret any of the wounds that gave me the opportunity to develop my beautiful scars.

LJ idol topic 9: "My Scars" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me!))

The church I've been visiting hosted a "Burning Bowl" ceremony on New Year's Eve; we wrote down what we needed to let go of from the past year, and then burned the paper. Ben and I wrote ours at home and then went to the church just to burn the negative bits of 2007. (He wasn't comfortable staying so we left right afterward)

I am such a "compulsive excavator of my own emotional navel lint" and a "nit-picking, obsessive truth-teller" that I didn't expect any surprises from this exercise, but it has completely turned me inside out. All my snarled, unraveled bits are sticking out and I can't see any pattern to this unholy mess! I'm slowly twisting myself right-side-out again, but damn! If you try this, be prepared for a flood of ghosts and maybe enough darkness to blind you for a while.

( the shadows and ghosts of 2007 )

Oh, and earlier that day I was at the store and the cashier asked me what I was doing for New Year's -- when I told her, she said "maybe I need to do that" and I told her that if she wanted to write it down I would burn it for her. I didn't expect her to take me up on it because that seems like a lot of faith to put in a stranger, but she did! It seemed like it was a turning point for her ♥ It was definitely meant to be -- I originally went into a different line, then switched to hers even though it was longer.

I also wrote a thank-you note to God/dess for the wonderful things that will happen in 2008 -- I plan to put that letter away and open it at the end of next year.

( the joys to come in 2008 )

I've been looking forward to this year because the number 8 is a spiritually significant number for me. I'm not sure what this year will bring, but I feel it will be amazing. I have a lot of new goals, and they feel closer than before -- thanks to all the growth-inducing pain of 2007.

LJ idol topic 8: "What the New Year Will Bring" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me!))

Many people understand the concept of 'best friend' as the person who is closer to you than anyone else, or the person whom you love more than anyone else. I have a concept of 'best friends' that I call soulfriendship. It goes a step beyond most 'best friends' relationships in that it is a conscious commitment with specific qualities, and it is not restricted to only one person. It does take a LOT of energy and I can't imagine having very many of them, but I have had two at once so I know it is possible.

Recently one of my soulfriendships ended -- not in the usual way of intimate relationships (fighting and fury), but by recognising that we were not in the right place in our lives to continue such a deep relationship. I think it is a testament to the beauty of soulfriendship that it can end gracefully, without severing the connection. I am still recovering from the loss, but I learned so incredibly much through the experience. I have refined the old definition to this:

• Love & Affection.
  To me, these are different aspects that go hand in hand. Love is the recognition that the other person has incalculable worth, which can never change -- it is seeing the sacred self in someone, and feeling the bond that connects us all. Affection is a positive feeling that the other person creates in you (and vice versa) by doing/saying positive things for/to you. Love starts the relationship; affection fuels it. (my in-depth post on the topic)
  
• Commitment.
  I used to call this aspect 'permanence' but have since realized it is more complex than that. I believe that two healthy people can overcome any obstacle -- but sometimes we are wounded by things we cannot control, and all of our best efforts are not enough. So this aspect I now call 'commitment' -- meaning that both people will do their absolute best to overcome obstacles that keep them from maintaining the soulfriendship. Sometimes one or both will not be able to do enough, but they will try with every resource they have until they can do no more. Also included in this is willingness to forgive; in an intimate relationship you will be hurt, and for commitment to have meaning it has to survive that hurt through forgiveness.
  
• Trust.
  I define trust as willing to take the risk of hurting or being hurt. It's a faith that the relationship will survive failings on the part of either person. It's the other half of commitment: the belief that not only are YOU committed, but the other person is also; not only will YOU forgive, but the other person will also.
  
• Honesty.
  I define honesty as a refusal to deceive. Honesty is answering any question with the truth (the whole truth, and nothing but the truth), without trying to hide anything. You don't have to phrase things rudely to tell the truth, but even with the gentlest phrasing, the truth may offend or hurt. Still, I believe that the kind of hurt the truth may bring is like the sting of disinfectant on a wound -- it hurts but does not damage, and is ultimately healing.
  
• Openness.
  Openness is the other half of honesty; it is the willingness to share truth. To be open is to offer yourself, to place your truth into the hands of those willing to receive instead of waiting for them to ask. We are such complex creatures that no one could ever learn us fully by asking questions -- we have to share of our own volition.
  
• Inclusion. (communication and decision-making)
  There's no set time on how much or how often you communicate, but it needs to be frequent enough that both people have a good understanding of what is going on in the other person's life. On the important decisions in your life, include the other person -- they know you so well and care so much that their advice is very valuable. Consider how your decisions affect them; in an intimate relationship, what helps them helps you and vice versa.
  
• Desire to Grow.
  This is absolutely necessary in a soulfriendship, though non-committed friendships can do fine without it. In a soulfriendship you are constantly balancing yourself against the other, constantly giving and receiving -- in constant flux. If you do not change, you will end up out of step with the other person, a gap that will only increase with time. If you backtrack you will end out of step even faster -- so the only way to stay connected is for both people to be growing, or changing positively. There are many ways to do this; counseling (I firmly believe that every single person in this broken world needs at least some mentor-type guidance), self-education, art, giving help to others, spiritual exploration... the important thing is that this aspect is never-ceasing. Sometimes you will only have energy for a small amount of growth, and sometimes the best way to grow is through a period of deliberate hibernation (with a limited time span), but it must be a conscious goal for soulfriendship to flourish.
  
• Unselfishness.
  I define this as the willingness to sacrifice your time, energy, and other resources in order to help the other person. Going out of your way, doing unpleasant or difficult things for the sake of the other person. It should be balanced between your resources and the other person's need; draining yourself can harm you and the relationship, but every once in a long while, it is necessary to pour yourself out for the other person. Then at another time ze will do the same for you.

myself and my former soulfriend Hannah;
I feel this illustrates soulfriendship perfectly.

LJ idol topic 7: "My Best Friend" ((going with this one! will add voting link thursday))

I've always been utterly fascinated by glass; it seems so magical to me that it can be liquid or solid without losing its beauty. I've also loved music from the time I was old enough to shake my diaper-clad booty to the sounds on the radio. Once I was old enough to reason, I believed that music also had spiritual or magical qualities (from the power it has on a person's mood and the vast amount of people I know who love it so deeply) So it makes perfect sense to me that the one invention that combines the two -- the glass harmonica -- should be surrounded by legend.

The glass harmonica had only a short bit of popularity before the urban legends of the early 19th century killed it. It was said that listening to or playing the instrument would make you insane; the audience had strange experiences, many fainting or being overwhelmed with emotion. After the death of a child during a concert, glass harmonicas were actually banned as a public danger in some places. On the other hand, glass music has recently been embraced by New Age followers -- the strange vibrations deemed so deadly before are now considered healing.

One of the reasons for the mystical responses to the instrument may be explained by science. Apparently the brain has two ways of interpreting where and what a sound comes from, decided by the frequency of the sound, and the timbre of the glass harmonica exists mainly in the realm between. The brain has a hard time deciding where the sound is actually coming from. I imagine the subconscious confusion would make some people feel insane, and others feel off-balance in a pleasurable, ethereal way.

I personally find myself slipping into a trance-like state when I listen to glass music. I tend to believe there is some truth to all legends; of glass music, I think it isn't true that it causes you to go mad, but it is true that it has an intensifying effect. Like mind-altering substances, it brings out what's hidden within.


(sample from finkenbeiner.com; artist is William Wilde Zeitler)

LJ idol topic 6: "Urban Legends" ((will add voting link later))

If a relationship involves sex, it is considered natural and healthy to expect it to be deep and intense; you're expected to mourn and be heartbroken if it ends. But if the relationship does NOT involve sex, people think it is unnatural -- even unethical, or 'wrong' -- for it to be deep and intense, and it is somehow proof of the 'unnaturalness' of it that one is heartbroken when it ends. In our disconnected world, people are afraid of intimate connections. People cannot imagine intimacy without sex, because intimacy is so scary that they won't attempt it without the physical high of sex.

I have had several relationships which I call soulfriendships. A short definition of a soulfriendship would be: a committed friendship where both are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of their lives, support each other, and continually help each other to grow. ((you can read a more in-depth description here, but be aware that I need to update it)) You could also see it as a platonic marriage/partnership.

Recently a soulfriendship of mine ended, and I began to mourn the loss of it in my journal. Most of those who commented to me offered comfort, but one person took the opportunity to tell me that "I think you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself and others by expecting your relationships to be that deep all the time. Perhaps if you allowed nature to take its course and appreciated the natural waxing and waning of all things, you wouldn't feel so devestate and depressed after the loss or lessening of a connection." I think the person had good intentions, but what struck me about the comment was that it suggested that it was wrong to expect depth in my friendships. I do not know the person, but this is not the first time I have been faced with this attitude; people get downright hostile with me about it. Those same people would not say "you can't expect it to be forever, because humans don't work like that" about a romantic/sexual relationship -- even if it may be true! Many people get married with the expectation that they will continue in that relationship 'until death do us part' but I have found few to believe that such a commitment can be made without sex or laws to hold it together.

Does love require sex in order to be deep? I believe it doesn't.

I'm tired of my friendships being viewed as lesser because they don't include sex. I loved Hannah every bit as much as I loved my partner Ben -- I loved them both with all of my heart. And she loved me as much as she loved her partner Nick. We didn't rank each other lower because we weren't lovers.

I do not expect too much. I do not expect soulfriendship with anyone unless we have thoroughly discussed it and decided to embark on it together -- just like two people in a marriage/partnership discuss it and choose it together. Of all of my other friends, I have no set expectations. I 'let them flow.' But just like a romantic relationship, friendship changes when you add commitment to it. It is a different kind of relationship -- more intense. And just like I wouldn't swear off romantic relationships because one ended, I'm not going to swear off soulfriendship. I know what it's like; I know what incredible benefits it gives, the love and growth and learning. I fully intend to keep on having soulfriendships, whether they are with lovers or not.

LJ idol topic 5: "Sexual Ethics" ((if you got something from this, please vote for me!))

I firmly believe that the only reason anyone ever hurts someone else is because they have been hurt. It's a cycle of pain -- we all have brokenness, and our brokenness causes us to hurt others. For this reason, I think it disturbing that we lock people away (which causes them MORE brokenness) and don't do anything to heal them before releasing them into society again. It's treating the symptom, not the cause. I understand that it would be terribly costly to give them help, and that it would be unfair to all of the broken people who have not committed crimes and cannot afford help -- but at the same time, the most compassionate, giving, wise people are the ones who have been deeply broken, done hurtful things to themselves and others, and then been healed. If we truly worked on healing the broken, we would have an incredible resource of wise people to learn from.

We might not be able to afford counseling, at least at first, but we could help heal the broken by giving them the chance to serve. It is such a healing experience to give, and I think many broken people feel that they have nothing to give, and so do not experience this healing. When you give to someone, you are opening the doors of your heart -- then those same doors are open to receiving gratitude and love. For a person who has been rejected by society and placed into jail (or detention), feeling a positive connection with people is absolutely vital. Someone who feels they are going to continue being mistreated and distrusted is not going to take the risk of growing, of finding better ways to live, but someone who feels that there is at least a chance of them being loved and accepted just might be willing to take that risk. We need to show people in prison that they do have a chance of being a productive, accepted, loved member of society.



"Juvenile offenders start life over with a crochet hook"

These people have attempted murder, destroyed people's property, sold drugs, etc. But given the chance to create and to give to others, something changes in them. It's not perfect, of course, but it is a large improvement over the norm: once released, 85 percent stay out -- far up from the national average of 50 percent. The article describes one person's experience in particular: "To see his eyes well up with emotion about the smiles his blankets have brought a needy elderly man and a toddler in a day-care center is to witness genuine tenderness." That person, Branden, was in for attempted murder, and for the first year and a half of his time there refused to join the program. Now he has created more blankets than anyone else, and speaks with real hope about his future.

I hope that people take notice and use the power of giving to change the lives of all inmates, not just the young ones. I believe all people deserve that chance.

((note: I found this article through the Good News Network, a site that collects positive news from other publications. Anyone can submit, so if you regularly read the news, please submit any positive news you find! You can also add the site's feed on LJ: good_news_net))

LJ idol topic 4: "Current Events" ((feel free to vote here if you get something from this post))

My parents taught me something about giving thanks that has stayed fresh in my mind for many years. (not fresh as in crisp spring leaves, fresh as in just-dumped manure) By their actions (which rendered their words meaningless), they taught me not to show any gratitude upon the promise of a gift, but only upon the receipt -- the proof. If they offered something and I showed any excitement or gratitude, they would turn that offer into a bribe and force me to earn the 'gift.' By the time I earned it, I had no gratitude left.

I disagree with much of their parenting, but this seemingly-small thing rankles me more than most of their teachings. I LOVE to be grateful! I love feeling an outpouring of positive energy toward the person who has been generous to me -- most of the time I love this feeling even more than the actual gift. But if someone promises me a gift, I feel an uncertainty that lasts until the promise is fulfilled, and that uncertainty drains much of the positivity from the gift.

However, that attitude has recently been changing. A few months ago, I picked up a flyer printed with an affirmation for receiving unexpected blessings. At that time my partner and I had very strained finances, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try it. Shortly after that, my partner finally received the promotion that he had been working toward for over a year (with three attempts that didn't pan out). Things had already been building in that direction, so I'm not sure how much effect the affirmations had on our finances, but the important thing was the effect they had on me as I said these words over and over again:

( the affirmation )

As I said these words aloud, I put myself into a mindset of gratitude. I changed my focus from wondering whether or not it would 'work' and just felt the gratitude as if it already happened. I've never been able to do that before! The first time I did it laughingly, as a experiment (acting melodramatic and making extravagant gestures) -- but the peace and renewed faith I felt afterwards motivated me to keep doing it. Before, I always felt like I was lying or being naive if I said 'thank you' for something that hadn't happened yet, but now I understand that gratitude is not just a reaction caused by outside events; it is an attitude I can create within myself to kick-start a flow of positivity.

and I'm really grateful for this topic because I needed to reflect on this right now. So thank you, therealljidol! and thanks to all my idol-ing friends who unintentionally urged me to do mine (since I want to read your already-posted entries, you overachievers!). ;-)

LJ idol topic 3: "The Giving of Thanks." ((please vote for me if you got something from reading this!))

( lj idol chatter, sicky computer complaints )

I took a billion photos of those earrings that took my blood, sweat, and tears (quite literally, as I accidentally stabbed myself with wire while making them), but I'm waiting to upload them because I'm paranoid about my camera somehow getting infected. (I'm gonna get a card reader anyway because the leads take forever) I really love the earrings though, and they have a spiritual significance to me that I have yet to figure out. Something about the sacrifice (3 hours of work and 24 hours of numbness/pain/tingling) put into them gave them extra meaning. Also, the fact that they drew blood (which has only happened maybe twice in my 5+ years of beadweaving) and are blood-red with drops on the ends seems... oddly fitting.

Bugs, snakes, and rodents don't usually bother me (though a certain bug grosses me out to the point of nausea, and I have a violent hatred of roaches); I've always liked bats; heights are a little scary but nowhere near terrifying; storms are exciting and invigorating; closed-in spaces are cozy; airplanes, tunnels, and bridges are fun; I love crowds; and speaking in public is something I've daydreamed about since I was a kid. I don't have what Forbes.com calls the most common fears, but I'm not fearless.

I have a fear that many people experience but few ever talk about. I fear rape.

( possibly triggering: not graphic, but sensitive )

I combat this fear by reminding myself that I have healed so much, and that others can heal too; that the wounds can be turned to scars and stop hurting. I focus on sending out love so that I can help stop the cycle of hurt people hurting other people, and I do what I can to increase awareness and eradicate apathy. I concentrate on my belief we all chose to come to this life, chose to go through suffering and destruction so that we could grow. Most of all, I remember that even though the rest of us can be wounded or even destroyed, the spirit is eternally incorruptible; it can be hidden away or silenced, but it cannot be harmed. The truest part of us is unbreakable.

LJ idol topic 2: "What terrifies me." ((please vote for me here!))

I remember places. The space under the trailer where I played at making food (mud pies and mud soup) for homeless people (whom I'd never seen) with a stick and my rust-colored depression glass cup. The spot on the edge of the playground at school where no one but me and the caterpillars ever went. The place on our driveway where I stepped over a black-and-yellow snake and didn't realize it until three steps later, 'cause I was running so fast. The edge of my mother's iris garden, where a baby pine tree poked out of the ground and I rescued it from my mom's weeding hands. (to return years later and find it had grown to at least twice my height) The tree in the backyard where I once peeled a strip of bark and saw to my chagrin that I had wrecked the roof of a family of ladybugs. And the bedroom where I laid belly-down on the floor with my cat and watched under the door as people moved us out of the first home I remember.

I remember people. The girl who I played paper dolls with, who wouldn't let me play with the one I wanted so I chose a bellydancing costume with headscarf and veil, called her 'Noface' and played her so happily that we ended up fighting over her. The teacher that I thought was so cruel -- until one day she paddled me (it was a school that allowed for that, with proper documentation/permission) and afterward picked me up, hugged me, and told me she loved me: that she had to spank me for lying but it didn't change how she felt about me. (I think that may be part of the reason I can't stand lies to this day) The aunt who gave me a glitter-filled plastic baton and encouraged me in my dreams of being a dancer. The stranger who told me 'boys will be boys' when my brother was being a little ass in the grocery store, who infuriated me (at age 6) and made me realize for the first time that boys and girls were treated differently and that it was wrong. The 'big kids' at my school who called me Pocahontas (for my protectiveness of my crush and my waist-length hair), which I took as a huge compliment because I desperately wanted to be Native American. The group of girls in my neighborhood whom I told elaborate stories of how I was really an Indian Princess who had been switched at birth, but my real family was keeping a close eye on me and would take me back once I learned enough. (and I told it so convincingly that they believed me -- they told me so years later when I moved back into that neighborhood)

But I only remember one positive event, one positive moment in time that I can remember clearly enough to picture it. I was four years old. I went into my parents' bedroom where my dad was sitting on the bed reading the bible and making notes. He had a yellow legal pad with a HUGE list of verse references, and I pointed to random ones, asked him what they were, and he quoted them for me. After a few we lapsed into silence, him reading and me just thinking. I thought that his turning those little letters and numbers into whole verses was Jesus inside him working miracles. (it was too much to imagine memorizing them all) Then I asked him what I had to do to have Jesus come into my heart, and he got very excited but tried to stay calm. He asked me if I knew John 3:16, so I quoted it to him, and he prayed the 'sinner's prayer' with me. (I now believe that it was the act of opening my heart, not the words said, that created the experience) I remember so clearly the feeling of euphoria that came over me. I felt that Jesus had come into my heart and was glowing in me -- I felt connected to everything, that everything was absolutely per