This is a mix of the songs that most inspire me to love, live consciously, and believe in the beauty of the human spirit. ♥ I had planned on burning and mailing them, but I ran out of money. So I'm offering it in download form; under the cut is the tracklist with parts of the lyrics, and in italics, what the song says to me. You can download individually or take the zipped file at the bottom. ;-)


( consciously beautiful )

Pandora has reawakened my love for music! bluebl00d and acid_burns got it started by introducing me to all kinds of new music, but that wasn't a daily thing of course -- now I can discover new music anytime I want. It's awesome -- just enter a song or artist and it creates a station based on that music, not by genre but by actual SOUND, OMG it's thrilling! Just a few days ago I discovered Neulander, and fell so in love that I had to buy the music immediately (instead of hunting through used CD stores & ebay like usual).

I used to be utterly ADDICTED to music; I never left the house without my walkman, and the first thing I did when I walked into my bedroom was turn on the radio. I knew all the groups on the three stations I listened to; my list of favorites ran into 40s; I could wax rhapsodic on genre or group; I knew all these esoteric groups no one else had ever heard of; I saved up at age 13-14 to buy a stereo that was about $150 -- a hell of a lot of money for someone who made 5$ an hour babysitting occasionally. The greatest thrill in my life was hearing a powerful song by a group I hadn't heard of. Music was my passion, my life -- my mother and father and friend. When I was hurting I turned to God and music together -- I would put on music and talk to God. I would listen to a CD on random and ask God to speak to me through a song... so many times a line would catch my attention, one that I'd heard a million times but had new meaning to me in that moment.

When The Benjamin Gate broke up I lost interest in music. I loved that band SO much and they were SO much a part of my life. I saw them 6 times in concert, three times in Georgia, once flying to Pennsylvania, once driving to Tennessee, and for their final show I (and three others) drove 13 hours ONE WAY to Texas. They gave me so much hope... if they hadn't come out with a new CD when I was living with my aunt and uncle I don't think I could have stood that time. When they broke up I went into mourning, I think. I didn't want to love any band the way I loved them... They WERE music to me, so when I buried my feelings for them, I buried my passion for all of music.

Now that passion is reawakening, stirring to life within me. I am wildly yearning to go to a concert and hear someone play who can make my soul scream in agreement. (I am definitely going to that Mutemath concert -- can't wait!) I think it is beautifully appropriate that Adie has just released her solo album (though I haven't heard it, 'cept for the few songs on her myspace). She's moving on as I am.

this took FOREVER. but I love it! I added part of it to my userinfo and the whole thing to my myspace. Yes I have a myspace, I use it for collecting new music, don't judge me, you!

adored favorites:
(absolutely MUST have, desert island necessity, would perish without! all current loves, listened to constantly)





( other favored music -- lots of images but all tiny )

Comment and tell me what (if any, heh) music you share my love for!

Adrienne's solo album will be out September 28th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh I can't wait to hear a single, I am so fucking excited you just wouldn't believe. She better still be rocking, I will be SO crushed if she has a mellower sound. She sing-screams like no one else -- way better than anyone else. *heroine-adoration*

Last night I dreamt about Adrienne for the first time in a long, long time... I haven't even thought about her in so long. She's left the band, gotten married, had a baby and has another on the way right now... so much has changed... but O my God, she is working on an album, I am waiting with fearful anticipation. Please don't have changed your style, Adrienne. No one can sing-scream like you, no one can pour so much passion into words, so much LIFE into sound...

I dreamt that somehow I was at a Jeremy Camp concert (her husband) and I saw Adrienne just sitting off to the side by herself, so I went and sat next to her and asked how she had been doing. She smiled vaguely and said, "oh, fine," and I responded, "Well, if I may pry, really how have you been?" and she started just telling me all about her life. I listened, just because I felt like that was what she needed, and then when Jeremy had finished the concert and walked over I got up to leave. But he encouraged me to stay, asked me to come to dinner with them if I didn't have anything else planned. I think I agreed. All I can remember clearly is her face -- the raw openness in it, something I never saw when I met her the other times.

It was so odd because I wasn't intimidated by her, wasn't fascinated with her, wasn't even very excited -- I just responded to a need I saw.

Adrienne was the lead singer of my favorite band, The Benjamin Gate (now broken up). I used to write her letters and (since TBG never got huge -- just when they started to get big they broke up) talk with her at concerts... She's an amazing person. I wanted to be friends with her, but understood that that would probably never happen, so I just gave without expecting anything in return... I made her a jewelry set and sent it to her (she loved it, she said). I never really got closure on that, and I think a part of me still wants to reach out to her, but I no longer have her address, and I feel somewhat embarrassed for giving so much (afraid that she thinks I'm some obsessed fangirl, you know). Maybe I will go to a Jeremy Camp concert... and you can bet your ass, when she gets her solo album out I'm buying it and if she tours I am SO going to see her. I actually miss her. I wonder what she's like now...

And every time I think about the last show, I get frustrated, because when she asked me to wait around after the show, I think I misunderstood how long she meant me to wait (she was surprised when I said I was leaving), and I could have had a real conversation with her, not a hurried/nervous one in front of others... but ugh I was so emotional, with TBG being OVER and having gotten so little sleep and all... I think that is my one regret. Most things I can appreciate what I learned from my mistake -- that one I feel like I just stupidly missed an incredible opportunity.

Ben and I were driving somewhere when I saw a bus with a very intricate painting of the Benjamin Gate's gasmask on one side. It was parked at a restaurant, so I got Ben to park so I could take a picture of it. As I got out of the car and walked over, I saw Adrienne standing near, so I asked her if I could take a picture of the bus. She said sure, so I did, noticing as I did so that the emblem had been hand-painted. I asked her if she had painted it and she said she had. When I oohed and ahhed over it, she invited to show me the inside, and I accepted. The inside was fitted out like a nice but very small bedroom and bathroom, with a large whirlpool tub, oddly enough. She was so excited to be able to show me her little world... and I wasn't, for once, tongue-tied around her. She seemed like she was lonely for female friends.

So I've started praying that God'll send her close girlfriends.

Dreamed that I went to Caifornia to see Adrienne, and she prophesied over me many cool things... and I would ask questions and she prophesied more... but then I woke up and FORGOT EVERY SINGLE BIT!!! Wah/GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

On another note, thanks jedibubbles and strongbadsshirt for rating my jewelry site.... And beware the rest of you 'cause I'll probably complain if you don't follow suit by clicking here and taking the poll.

took a nap this afternoon (I've been so exhausted) and I dreamed that Ben and I were looking for a couple to share a house with us, and we heard that Adrienne and Jeremy were about to move out of the house they were living in, and were looking for a place... so we went over to say that they could check out our place and see if they wanted to join us. But when I got to the door, Adrienne and this guy she shared the house with answered, and I got so nervous about being an intrusion that I would only talk to the other guy. So Ben took Adrienne to the car to talk while this other guy and I had a debate about Fantasy novels and whether or not Fantasy is of God. He wasn't antagonistic, just interested in my ideas, and it was interesting to talk to him, but I really wanted to talk to Adrienne. Yet I filled up every second of space with my words, and she is too nice to butt in, so I didn't say a word to her, nor her to me. (and I could tell she kinda wanted to talk to me.) Then I woke up.

Dreams like that make me so wistful. She never has written me back, and I haven't written her since the end of November... I'm not even sure if the address I have is still current... but I have been thinking about her more and more lately, so I might write her soon.

I don't know what to do about me. How do I be me comfortably when "me" is always misinterpreted by the world?

I had a talk with Ben tonight. (Can't ya tell?) About Adrienne AGAIN. Well, I had dreamed about her, so that's what brought it up... and he says she prob'ly thinks of me as a fanatic. Not someone who actually cares about her without knowing her -- because except to me that concept apparently doesn't exist in this world -- but some worshipful fan who wants to feel good off of having a somewhat famous person think about them. Oh gosh. And he suggested I write a short handwritten note to her, asking her how she's doing. I feel exceedingly awkward now about doing anything that way, because if she thinks of me as a fanatic, then good grief I don't wanna give her MORE cause to think so!

I wanted to bless her, and I didn't know how except to write and tell her I was praying for her and let her into my life, tell her about me. I've GOT to stop thinking that because it would bless me it will bless someone else.

--oh, the dream.--
Well, in the beginning I woke up on a stage, naked (cause I sleep that way) with a blanket. They had let the audience in early, so I had to pull off this awesome move that allowed me to get up without showing myself off to the audience. I was pretty pleased with myself about that.
Then I went to a "meet and greet" with a bunch of other women and Adrienne, who niether looked nor acted like I expected. Half the time I thought, "so she's not deep" and the other half of the time I thought she was posing to protect herself from the other women. They weren't all that nice, very nosy and picky toward her. I listened and watched Adrienne, didn't really say anything. And that was it. At least that's all I remember.

Ick. I can't stand the thought that Adrienne thinks I'm some fan who worships her and is demanding to be let into her life. How I wish I knew what she thought of me.

???????????and should I write her again???????????????

( mistaken for a pre-teen )

( dream: serving a princess by turning a castle to purple metal and making it inpenetrable )

And the BENJAMIN GATE's last show. I'm so glad I got to go. Ben and Ben and Kristen agreed with me. (we had so much fun with the double names) Well, Ben drove us to Birmingham, where we crashed at otherBen's friend's house, and we got up at about 3:00 to head for Denison TX. We switched off driving and got there before the first band even played. (due in great part to Kristen's driving, the 100mph maniac) We killed time until the BenGate came on, and oh, it was so worth it. Kristen brought a vidcam and had my Ben film the show. We discovered a powerful talent in Ben! He did a phenominal job. The only reason it will need editing is my arm kept getting in the way, and he didn't warn me.

Oh, the show was awesome. Adrienne was crying most of the time, but kept perfect control over her voice, and the band really rocked out. When they played "Need," I broke down and cried, which I didn't expect to do. ("Need" is my theme song, it encompasses all my struggles and desires from birth to now) But they picked it up again afterwards, and ended with jumpy songs. I'd have to say it was the most perfect set ever.

Afterwards, I was getting the band to sign stuff for Kristen Brownlow, my evil twin who didn't go with us, and Nick (the drummer) told me that he had a feeling they might see me there. I was flattered that he thought of me, since I never even talked to him before. I talked to Mac and Chris and of course Adrienne, but not Nick. So yeah. Afterward Kristen and I waited for the flood of "sign this" people around Adrienne to die down, and talked to her a little. She said she was surprised to see us and hugged us. I asked if she'd gotten my letters and she said she hadn't been home since the first 2 (which I sent together). So I told her she had 4 waiting. Kristen gave her her band's CD (She's in the band "Ruckus"). She told us she was gonna get food and if we wanted we could hang around and talk to her later. So we hung around, and eventually I talked to her (Kristen felt too awkward). I just congradulated her on her wedding and told her about mine, and she congradulated me on mine... I told her I was going to miss seeing them play and she said they were sad about it too... and I told her that when I asked God for verses for her He kept giving me "I'm going to restore you to your homeland" verses... and she asked me some question that I can't remember. There was more but I don't remember. Then I said something about leaving, which surprised her for some reason, and she hugged me bye.

As soon as I turned my back and started walking away, I started crying. Fortunately it was the silent kind. But it was intense, so intense it startled me. I wept, for loss of the band and also because I felt like I had given my heart to Adrienne and lost it. I had no idea just how much I loved her until right then. See, the God's curse/blessing that rules my life is my love. I am very careful in whom I give it to because I can't give it halfway and I can't take it back. Once I decided to love someone, I love them forever no matter what, with my whole heart. It is a powerful gift, but it can cause me so much pain when it isn't returned, or is returned in such a smaller measure. I love Adrienne like I love Del, Accaber, and ya-ya, which is crazy, since I scarcely know her soul at all. But I do know her spirit, and that's how I love her. I remember being sad like this when I felt like Rebecca only loved me a little, and I'm still sad that way over Paula, my spiritual mommy. I really want to be friends with Adrienne. Well. I'm not giving up on her and unless she tells me to quit writing her, I'm gonna keep doing it. I wish I knew what she thought of me. I do my best to not be a cloying fan... I pray I succeed.

OtherBen drove ALL the way back to B-ham after we left. We offered to drive occasionally but he just said that he was going to keep going until he couldn't, and then we could drive, and he ended up going the whole way. After we hit 24 hours of awakeness, Kristen and I started finding EVERYTHING funny. We named Ben's new Camry "Bensten Hooters" because our names were BEN and kriSTEN and we were parked in a gas station in front of a Hooters. Then we decided we were a band and our band name was Bensten Hooters, and Kristen started "making music" using the roar of air past the window as an instrument, and adding random words. Oh my freakin' g'nns, it was hilarious. And she decided that our hometown was "Canadia" and so we pronounced words like "aboot." For some reason, that in particular sent me off. I got hysterical with laughter every time she said "aboot." And she made a "song" called "Aboot God." (basically she occasionally said the word 'aboot' and the word 'God.') Even Ben picked up some of our giddiness, and THAT was worth seein', let me tell you.

Eventually we showed up at OtherBen's house, and Ben decided that he was up for driving home... so we did. Ridiculous but true. We were awake for... 36 hours before we got home.