These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

My year started off badly -- I woke up crying from a dream. In the dream, I saw an old friend and she saw me but didn't recognise/respond to me. I realized that I have never gotten over the loss of her -- maybe because I still don't know why she decided to cut contact. I'm still hurt over it and I'm not really sure what to do about it... I don't know how to let it go.

I also got bad news from my little sister, though that was actually New Year's Eve so technically 2007. I'm so frustrated that I can't help her.

I want a fresh start, dammit!

I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

I miss:

-- the girl who glowed with such a sweetness that she made my fierceness feel like it had a purpose, protecting her.

-- the girl who listened to my every hurt and loved me unconditionally. Who hugged me even though she hated touching or being touched, because she knew I needed it. Who shared sacred parts of herself, and taught me so much in the process. Who taught me that God/dess is not a bundle of rules, but a person, a being made of love.

-- the girl who inspired me with her intensity, who celebrated her strangeness. Who filled my life with light just by being herself. Who intimidated me with her brilliance, and coaxed me out of my fear of self-expression by finding the brilliance in me. Who shared my excitement over my creations, no matter how undeveloped or unskilled. (night before last I dreamed that she came to me and said she wanted to be friends again ♥)

-- the family who taught me what family is, who accepted and loved me for who I was, right at that moment. Who encouraged me in selling my jewelry, believing in me and even offering help. Who understood that I had been taught lies and lovingly guided me out of my subconscious prejudice, without judging me.

-- the girl who showed me that I was not alone in the way I sense trees, who unintentionally validated something so important to me.

-- the group who let me see a created family, dissimilar people who banded together to create their own culture, rooted in love. Who accepted me as I am, and didn't make me feel like an outsider despite the lack of history I had with them (quite a feat!).

-- the girl who made me feel connected, loved in a way I had never been.

...Missing You by Jem...
I'll always be thankful for the time we had
We were blessed, I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories just make me fall apart

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

AGH SO FRUSTRATED! I have been inexplicably depressed, off and on (heavy, when on), all day today! What the hell is wrong with me? Stoppit, brain! And I'm starting to get annoyed with my journal for being so freaking depressing all the time. I need to just break out of this!

In positive news: the meetup group now numbers 26 (*shock*), with at least 8 people coming to our first meeting, at 8pm on the 8th day of the 8th month. :D Some of the members seem quite enthusiastic! I was worried that no one would share my vision but several people seem to understand and agree (I'll know more when we actually meet). It's a diverse group, which is very cool. I'm so nervous! I ought to be good at this, because I'm a natural leader and I've had a good bit of practice with Curvygirls, but I'm quite intimidated. I'm afraid they'll either think I'm too sloppy or too structured :-{ *worries* Well, I'm going to "throw things out there and not be perfect and not have answers to anything and see if people understand."

I was driving around the other day and saw a woman driving behind me who looked SO MUCH like Allison. She had sunglasses on, so I couldn't tell for sure until she turned her head to the side -- it wasn't her. But it reminded me of how much I miss her... I wonder if she ever thinks of me.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

A few weeks ago I rearranged our bedroom, turning it from a place I hated to a place I love! Ben is much happier too -- now it feels like we have two rooms instead of only the living room. I created a photo-tour of my bedroom, because a video would require clothing due to the mirrors. And this is easier!

( photo-tour of my bedroom )

And now I shriek with joy because OMG PRESENTS!!!! From Kate (clown_frog) and Firekat (kmiotutsie)!!! Kate sent me a glitter bar (YAY!!!! glitter-wearing is so magical ♥), giant purple bath-fizzy ball, HENNA kit (can't wait to try it!), a bunch of stick-on wooden ladybugs (ladybugs always remind me of my childhood, I remember seeing a family of them in the bark of a tree and being absolutely delighted), cinnamon votives (that REALLY SMELL LIKE CINNAMON OMG, and strong too!!! I am going to use them in my sanctuary ♥ ♥ ♥), and best of all, a clear violet glass perfume vial. It is so incredibly delicate and wonder-of-all-wonders, made it here perfectly intact! All the way from Scotland! And that is magic from God/dess if I have ever seen it.

( the delicate violet-tinted vial! )

And from Firekat!!! A Mercedes Lackey book (a staple of fantasy reading, whom I've never tried!), Inga Muscio's Cunt (borrowed and read most of it, now yay I can finish it! plus who wouldn't want Cunt on her shelf?), a GORGEOUS mini-journal with handmade paper and a vivid-violet & burgandy cover, three lovely deep purple agate slices, and... a violet and emerald translucent glass gazing ball!!! also completely undamaged! I am soooooo loved!!! Firekat said she prayed that it would get here safely, and it's perfect. ♥ I'm awed!

( the violet & emerald glass ball! )

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

I slept today and dreamed that I met my spirit-brother, (only without all the negative connotations I have with the word brother). It was amazing, he was so loving and protective and gentle (he actually reminded me of my friend Michael, but only sorta). The atmosphere of the dream was threatening, but I felt safe because he was there. And then he just left, though I'm not sure if that was because I half-woke or because he left in the dream, it's all fuzzy -- but it made me cry. I felt abandoned... but Ben came over and comforted me, even squeezing on our narrow couch to lay with me and hold me. Without him I think I would have cried for hours.

--------

I've been feeling very abandoned lately. Two of my favorite friends switched LJs and didn't invite me to the new one (the first friend I actually asked to be added to the new one, hoping that I'd just been overlooked; the second I didn't ask). Three people I really cared about recently unfriended me, one for personal reasons and the other two for nude icons. It's all understandable and I don't harbor bitterness or anger, but it still hurts. And (I can't believe I forgot to include this) losing Anika back in March... and sorta-kinda losing Rebecca as she married and moved far away.

Then I found out that one of my oldest friends, a face-to-face friend I've known since high school, unfriended me today. ( ... ) I consider unfriending my journal to be a declaration that the friendship is over, because my journal is such a part of me that if you don't want it, you don't want me.

She's such an incredible person, so firey and glowing and passionate and creative... I feel like my life has lost color because she has stepped out of it for real (for now anyway). Even though we weren't in contact, I hoped that she had the same hope of a future friendship. I loved her so much. Just yesterday I was thinking of her and considering asking her to go to a Mutemath concert with me next month, since she used to be a fan of Earthsuit, the group's former incarnation. She's the only friend I have that would have enjoyed that -- and I don't even know her well enough nowadays to know if she'd have liked that.

I feel like I'm going through some sort of friend metamorphosis, shedding old friends. I am hoping that it's over and I get to keep the rest of you, but I fear that I'm going to lose at least one more... I won't change myself to suit, I won't won't won't CAN'T, I have fought too hard to be myself. If being myself means offending people, getting rejected, being abandoned, then so be it. The pain of those things is less than the pain of warping myself to fit others.

Those of you who have stuck with me and accepted (if not loved or approved of) all my facets, thank you. Thank you. You give me the strength to go on, to accept myself and love the parts of me that are objectionable to others. And you sure as hell better believe that I love every bit of you! Our 'imperfections' make us who we are. I think the bravest and most beautiful thing is to look at yourself honestly and seek to grow in the immature areas, seek to become who you were created to be. You're lovely, and you are not flawed. Those 'flaws' are places that you are young, and when you mature, they will be your strongest areas. I love you, love you, love you, every one of you, every facet of you. ♥

You know when you're so in love with someone that your conversation is peppered with random 'I love you's just because you feel it so much you can't help but say it? And the other person says it back with just as much feeling and then you both sigh in contentment and smile quietly for a bit? I have TWO people like that in my life right now. I am the most blessed person ever. I know I would have chosen this life -- with all the shit too, yes ALL of it. I wish I had known that I had this to look forward to when I was in my darkest hours. I think it would have made a difference. But hey, I'm still here, so it doesn't really matter.

"Perfect love casts out fear" -- I am living that right now. I have love, true forever love, from the two most amazing people I have ever met, and it is casting out my fear. It no longer matters nearly so much to me that some people whom I love might think ill of me (I'm not perfect, it still matters -- but it no longer paralyses me), because I know that I can count on Ben and Hannah to see me for who I really am. Most friendships end. It seems that nearly all of my closest friendships are crashing down around my ears... Rebecca, Anika, Kaylene (although thank God, that was a friendly parting), and possibly Allison. I just sent her an email because I want to know if she wants to continue a friendship with me or not... I just can't tell. She could just be too busy... but if not, I want to know. If she's gotten all she can from our friendship and is ready to move on, I want to be able to gather my heart back to myself. She's still very important to me (always will be), and emotionally I feel like I am circling in the air, unable to land. I am okay with landing on either side, but I just can't fly any more. I feel like I am living in denial and I refuse to do that.

A few years ago I wouldn't have thought it was possible to be sad and so happy at the same time. I am still mourning Anika, though in a healthy way now. I can actually think about the fact that she's pregnant without wanting to cry over the fact that I won't be "Aunt Bel" or anything at all to that beautiful little girl (for whatever reason I am completely sure that it's a girl). It still saddens me but it doesn't rip me to shreds. I'm detatching, healing. And I know that a large part of the credit goes to all of you who offered me such wonderful support, in particular Sidhe, Mary Beth, and Kevloid. Thank you loves. And by the way, I'm not going to go back and respond to those comments individually, but know that I deeply value every caring word and the time taken to write them. I just feel like responding to them would drag me back into those feelings, and I want to move on.

-------------

I had a weird experience today at work -- this woman came through my line and just pissed me off. Usually the most a person can get out of me is irritation, but I was downright furious. And she wasn't even rude in tone or action -- just in her attitude. It was so incredibly disrespectful that I wanted to throw her stuff on the floor and scream at her to get the fuck away from me, and away from every human. Her attitude seemed to say, "humans are all worthless shit." I've never had such a strong reaction to such an indefinable thing -- there was something evil with her. I've been treated like a servant before -- this was different, far worse. And she had a kid! *shudder*

Fortunately, two customers later I got a customer who mentioned that I had checked him out before and said that I was always so smiley and friendly, and that gave me such a burst of positivity that it wiped off the other experience. I felt bad for not remembering him, but then with hundreds of customers a week it's really impossible.

And that reminds me! About a week ago, I checked out one lady who was just so fun. She started talking about these organic cookies that she loves and had to open, and eventually insisted that I have one (I protested, "but my hands are dirty!" but she insisted) -- it was quite yum. She complimented me on my bagging, my friendliness, the fact that I checked her ID for the alcohol and for her credit card, and the fact that I double-checked the turnstile to make sure she got all of her bags, and as she signed, she asked if I could call my manager up. Polly was actually on the register right in front of me, so I said, 'that's actually her right there' and pointed. She told me "You made it a joy" (!!!) and then went over to Polly and sang my praises to her. Polly agreed with her enthusiastically. ;-D I was blushing like crazy, but so pleased. I don't think the lady realized that part of the reason she was so delighted was because she wanted to be. She made it a joy for me, too! I love people who look for joy. ♥

Ideas have bottlenecked in my brain. So much I want to say! Aish.

( I've been thinking over past friendships... )

I don't know why I wanted to write this... I felt the need to process my losses, I suppose. I think they have been heavy on my subconscious lately, which is why I have felt so terribly lonely. I feel like going out on the street with a sign that says, "be my friend?" Something, anything, I need love.

Actually, I think I know why all of this is so fresh. I'm wanting to commit my heart to another, and my heart is saying to me, "You know it's going to end in abandonment" and I struggle to believe that the joy is worth the pain. At the core, I believe that, but so much of me just cringes and says, "Please don't make me walk through the fire again." And part of me says that it is impossible to have a long-distance soulfriendship... while the other part says that I've done it twice before, it's difficult but not anywhere near impossible. I'll just have to get my hugs and such from Ben -- but that makes me want to cry because he doesn't enjoy cuddling and I don't want just sympathy cuddles, I want the kind I give, the kind that is given because you just can't help it, it's natural. Why can't I have a nearby friend? Somebody cuddly move here please. :-(

I've been thinking a lot about friendships... Allison and Rebecca and Kaylene and Ashley and Anika and Hannah and Kate and Aubrey... all running through my head. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to process... I'm feeling like giving up on some people (though I really don't think I am capable of that) -- not you who are currently part of my life, but...

Kaylene, whom I just... I don't know. She emailed me the day that Anika arrived on her visit, so I didn't really have a chance to think about it. She told me the very basic facts of her life now -- and she has obviously come so far! -- and I am happy for her, but my insecurity kicks in and says, "she doesn't want to rebuild anything, you never meant as much to her as she did to you, you were stupid to love her so much." And the other part of me says "love is never a waste, and the time you had with her is sacred and can never be taken away, and if you really want to reconnect, why the FUCK haven't you emailed her back?" And my other OTHER self, the one that makes decisions, is confused and says nothing.

Rebecca. My best friend for five years, my whole world, the one I would have suffered ANYTHING for, the one who I poured my soul into and trusted completely, the one who I thought I would be soul-bonded with forever... we never talk. She hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid yet, and I don't think she is going to. I totally understand that, since we aren't close or even friends really, but I thought that if she ever got married (which she insisted she wouldn't) I'd be her maid of honor (though even then I wondered if she'd choose elya over me). It hurts to be left out, even at this point. Especially since I asked her to be mine, purely out of honor for the friendship that we used to have (we weren't any closer 2 years ago than we are now, probably less, actually). I don't know what I want with her... I don't even know who she is now. For no good reason, I feel betrayed and hurt. And yes, it does bother me that (from what I have heard) she suggested that I stay with Ashley on Rebecca's wedding day (because for a while they planned on the same day, until Ashley moved hers). I suppose I don't really deserve to be treated any differently, but it still bothers me. I'm so disposable.

Allison is busybusybusy... I understand that she has to concentrate on organizing her life and plans for the future, but knowing that doesn't make me any less lonely... Anika is busybusybusy too, with school and husband and rebuilding self... Ashley's busy, Kate doesn't have internet, Aubrey's busy, Hannah lives an ocean away and is usually busy but made time for me this week ♥ ♥ ♥ thank you lovely ♥... There are so many wonderful people in my life but no one has time to invest in me. I take that back -- some of you DO invest in me and I love you so much for it, but I want more, I want conversations and (if physically possible) cuddles and outings. I'm so lonely.

I have been investing a LOT in Ben this week... I'd list it but then I'd feel stupid because it wouldn't look like a lot, but it WAS because it was stuff that I don't really like to do that means a lot to him. But he wants me to be excited about him, and I just can't, when he's all stressed and thus distant and scary-irritable. And I'm afraid that he's going to be all upset that I wrote that in here but I'm so tired of keeping it all to myself. Sometimes he's not perfect, dammit, and I ought to be able to admit that. He does try, and that is the important thing, but it doesn't always make me feel better. And I need more. I need understanding and sweet touches and I need him not to dump his worries on me. Share? yes; dump? no. There is a difference. And he says that one of his favorite things about me is that I don't go telling others about his mistakes, but I'm tired tired tired of that! I hate keeping secrets and it's either talk about only the strife that's my fault or don't talk about it at all and I'm tired of listing my faults and I'm tired of keeping silent about the thing that my life revolves around. And this is starting to get stream-of-consciousness and run-on so I should stop now before I write a million more words.

Ben and I were at the Ren. festival looking for Mary Poppins. It was kind of like the Ren. Fest, but it was a time-displacement festival. There were all kinds of weird characters. I met Mary Poppins and apparently she had several pre-planned stories that she could tell. She started telling me about the real one that she was time displaced instead of just pretending to be where she's supposed to be.

Then we moved on and we came to this booth where music was going and the owner of the booth was intending for people to dance. So Ben and I started dancing and everyone else started joining in. Then the barkeep offered us the jackets which I didn't want to put on because it was really hot but that was apparently part of his job; for people to wear the jackets. So we paid him and stepped through the arch to put the jackets on. This time a lot of people joined us, and he started teaching us this dance. Then Ben wasn't there but Elya, Rebecca, and Allison was. For some reason I could not get my eyes open so I couldn't watch him do the moves, and couldn't follow the dance. But elya stepped behind me and tried to guide me.

Then this group of people came running up and acting out a skit—a very violent one. All the sudden they opened a door and went up some stairs in the air and closed the door which then disappeared. Rebecca and Allison were sitting around with these other two girls discussing how they were going to go to Ihop. I was taking Allisons wig off (bright pink) and she got mad at me because she didn't want the wig removed. I was sad because I was just trying to help. We were all wearing skirts that had a corset down the back.

( what's left )

Ohhh, ahhhh, the hair is gone... now on to the story.

jedibubbles, alariya, eviltwin (who actually got called eviltwin in order to specify which Kristen), Rebecca, and elya all came to watch and encourage. We ate lots of pizza first, and (except for Rebecca and elya) drank beer (I took a pregnancy test earlier that was negative). Del was right, smirnoff triple black does taste like sprite on crack, I LOVE it! Then we played Loaded Questions and Wise and Otherwise while Del did the tedious job of braiding 2.5 feet of hair into 21 braids.

When she has finally finished, everyone gathered around to watch the snipping of the braids -- and my freakout after the ponytail was taken out and my hair was SHORT! for the first time in many years (the shortest it's ever been cut). I was just in shock, it felt so weird! It was like having a limb amputated, except a lot less painful and crippling. Then Del evened up the cut, while I still hadn't seen myself in a mirror, and then they all followed me into the bathroom, while I put my hands over my eyes. When they all could see me in the mirror, I looked at myself -- and saw my little brother and sister in my face! I was really upset by that, but then I played with it some and discovered that I only looked like them when my hair was parted down the center. No more of that! *shudder*

Then I showered all of the cut hairs off (it was an odd but very nice change to not have a ton of weight pulling at my head), and rejoined them in the living room. Alariya, eviltwin and I went outside and smoked flavored cigars (strawberry, yum) and then we came in and all sang worship songs.

The group worked so well together! And elya has gotten much less phobic about alcohol and stuff, so we didn't have to tiptoe around her, so it was lighthearted fun the whole evening. We're thinking about doing a weekly Bible study, the five of us (sadly Del can't come 'cause she'll be in FL). I love my girls. At the beginning of the evening they were all sitting on the couch and floor and I was on the swivel chair, and it made me so happy just to look at all of them. Somebody made a comment about 'the queen and her court' which kinda embarrassed me but I loved it all the same. Some people that I would have loved to have there were missing... but it was wonderful that they all knew each other and were comfortable around each other.

Del came over with a present for me! A fushia corset that matches hers! It surprised me how much that meant to me. It was like a gesture of sisterhood, I suppose... Unfortunately it was a bit too small using the ribbon that came with it, so I have to get a new ribbon before I can wear it comfortably (my first taste of what it's like to be 'non-straight-size' -- I felt oddly proud). I'm going to make earrings that match them for both of us. *happy happy girl!*

I have the best friends ever. Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for everyone who isn't me, 'cause they don't have all of my wonderful friends... and that's why I like to hook them up and make them befriend each other, 'cause I don't want to have all the wonderfulness to myself. Anyway.

jedibubbles and I went out and spent the day together. First we went to the local coffeehouse to sit on the green couch and talk about everything... that couch isn't even ours but it already holds so many memories... And I paid for my coffee with change! 'Cause Ben and I are that broke right now.

After a few hours, we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant (most of the waiters know me by now, as well they should 'cause I'm always dragging my friends there, and when it's Ben and I we hugely overtip) 'cause she insisted on buying me dinner. *kisses at Del* And this after alariya took me there earlier this week! I feel so amazingly blessed.

Oh and 'cause it was Thursday they had the traditional Mexican band playing (in full costume) and they stopped by our table and played for us, and tried to get us to dance -- jedibubbles got up right away, but I felt too self-conscious and I'm weird about dancing in front of people, so at first I said no, and then a different musician tried to take my hand and pull me up, but I refused. Then I sat there thinking to myself, why the hell aren't you getting up? You know you'd love to. The real you would do it with no hesitation at all. But I couldn't bring myself to just get up -- and then one of the musicians encouraged me again and finally I got up and danced! Then of course I was disappointed that I had missed out on most of the song, but I was SO proud of myself -- dancing with people watching has always been something that was very hard for me to do. (unless it's worship, then I am not even aware of other people's existence) VERY hard. So this marks a change in me -- before I'd have beat myself up about not having the guts to do it, but there's no way I'd have gotten up. I probably didn't look that great, because I was so nervous at first, and just as I got comfortable dancing, the song was over -- and then I was literally shaking afterwards. But I did it! It really helped that Del was so free and unafraid; I didn't feel like she'd judge me.

Sometimes I think the greatest gifts are the ones we don't even know we're giving.

went out with my beloved jedibubbles -- she was sweet enought to take me card-shopping, as I had just realized how close Father's day was. We giggled over the funny ones, inspiring a few 'weirded out!' looks. Simple pleasures. So many people are used to the idea that something has to cost money to be worthwhile... and for some reason it seems to be taboo to express joy or laughter in public. Shock! We don't tone our laughter down to save people from being scandalized. *sniffs haughtily*

Odd how that went all pedantic. Anyway, we went from Wal-Mart to a used media store (music and movies) and I bought both Tomb Raiders for $6 each! Yay me! I also saw Taking Lives for $8, but I haven't seen it and I might hate it, so I didn't buy it. I'll rent it first.

And then to Starbucks for a coffee for me and a hot chocolate for Del. Silly girl doesn't like coffee! (the fact that we remain friends despite that fact is a testament to my open-minded acceptance of differences, hee hee) It's okay though -- she's so hyper that if she ever consumed my typical triple-venti-black-and-white-mocha-with-a-shot-of-cinnamon, she'd explode. Or create a new world wonder in 15 minutes than makes all the old ones absolutely prosaic. Or just escape the boundaries of our 3D world and start consciously living in all 13 dimensions. Or all of those simultaneously. So it's a good thing she doesn't like coffee.

I adore her. ;-)

Saturday I went out with my jedibubbles and we had a lighthearted fun time... we sat on The Green Couch at the local coffeehouse and talked for a bit, mostly about the Narnia movie coming out in December, and rambling on to other books we read as kids...

Then we went to see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" which I had mixed reactions to. Endless pointless violence... but it was all done in a very sarcastic way, and kept us laughing most of the time. Bah. I want Angelina to go back to movies that I can thrill over and praise without reservation. This one was pretty good -- it had points of philosophy and depth, if you looked hard enough, but I just couldn't get into it. I suppose part of the problem of learning to respect every human means that I can no longer think in 'good guy, bad guy, kill kill kill.' The thing that bothered me the most, though, was the eroticized violence. A man beating a woman will never be anything other than disgusting and evil, even if she is beating him right back. And I just couldn't stand seeing my girl get beat up. Del kept leaning over and tapping my shoulder and whispering, "are you all right?" I suppose I must have looked even more upset than I was. But I did kinda enjoy it, because it was presented in a humorous light, and Angelina can make any movie worth seeing at least once. If you like seeing stuff blown up and shooting car chases, you'll probably love it.

After the movie we went to Barnes and Noble and scanned the sci-fi/fantasy section. I don't think she's actually tried more authors than me (if you don't count the Star Wars series authors) but we have a completely different list. It makes for interesting chatting... oh, and she told me about an alternate history novel by Silverburg where the gypsies of Earth are actually a race from another planet, I neeeed to read that. I am a nuevogypsy, after all.

Finally she took me home, since it was late and she had to get up early the next morning... But we started talking about more soul-ish things, and I asked her if she wanted to go sit on my bed and talk. I totally expected her to say no, since it was late and all, but she said yes, so we did. I mostly just listened and played with her hair, rubbed her back. She has a lot on her mind right now. I felt more comfortable with her than I've ever been -- it's amazing what letting go of expectations will do. (I need to remember that) I felt honored to be there for her. She's such an amazing person.

My name no longer feels like it fits me. And that's sad, because I like the name Kristen, I like the way it looks and what it means... but it doesn't fit. Ben can't call me that during sex anymore, it snaps me right out of the mood. He calls me the Edheledian word for "Dragon-rider" instead. heh.

And Belenen... is close, but it doesn't quite fit either... I'm usually so good at finding names for things, but for myself I am completely lost. There is no name that I know of that calls to my true self. 'Bel' is closest, but that is only good as a nickname, not a truename, because it is too small and simple. I love to be called 'Bel' by others, but I can't call myself that... this probably makes sense to no one but me.

I'm lost, my self is lost, and I can't find her until I know her name... that is how I feel. I need a new name. I remember when I first read Revelations, I read "to she who overcomes, I will give... a white stone with a new name written on it," and I have treasured that in my heart and longed for it ever since. And I want a new name here, because I truly am a new person, and I want to live that.

How can I translate? How can I even understand my own heart?

Patricia (my counselor) got a new name, sort of. She was never called Patricia growing up, but always bits and pieces, Patty, Tricia, Pat, etc., and when she was healed God told her that she was now a whole person, and that her name was Patricia. Many times God gave new names to people when they began their callings... Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah (from 'quarrelsome' to 'princess'!), Jacob became Israel, Hoshea became Joshua, Saul became Paul -- in the Bible a name represents the complete essence of a person and so giving a new name implies the beginning of a new life.

God gave me a nickname a few years ago, an english word that is not a name. It is the one thing that I consider too sacred to share openly. Perhaps that will change, perhaps not. But I want a name that means that adjective -- I want a name that makes me happy every time someone calls me by it, a name that reminds me of who I truly am. 'Bel' kinda does, but not quite...

P.S. I had a gorgeously fantastic evening out with my jedibubbles tonight... we went to the local coffeehouse and talked for a solid 5 hours, sitting on the green couch. Heh. I love the memor