I've haven't liked Valentine's Day since elementary school (back then it was SO fun! once a boy who I thought hated me gave me this giant heart-shaped box of candy conversation hearts and I realized that my aunt was right -- boys do torment the girls they like!). Not because of the falseness or commercialism or exclusion-of-singles that most dislike it for, but because of the overwhelming amount of cynicism that comes out! Even some of my usually-so-idealistic-and-cheerful friends get sour on V-day. And I've never been close to anyone who liked it, so it doesn't seem like a holiday to me. Still, if it was all violet and stars instead of pink and hearts, I would obsess over it and count down the days and go out shopping every year on February 15th! Sadly, there is no such holiday (Halloween always mixes in orange, ugh, and usually skulls or pumpkins).

So to change the subject (and hopefully bring some cheer) did you know that February is International Friendship Month? I also discovered that the first Sunday in August is World Friendship Day! so mark your calendars ;-)

Oh yeah, and next month, the 8th is International Woman's Day which I was hoping to do a big celebration for, but I think it'll have to wait until I've saved up more money.

( and randomly, Angelina's and my faces combined. Damn, we'd make some gorgeous kids! )

I've had a crazy-busy and interesting week but for some reason have felt blocked and haven't written. *frustration* Hopefully this silly little post will uncork me.

something I've been meaning to share:

( under a cut because it plays on a loop )
I. Love. This. Woman. She's changed over the years but she has never lost that genuine wonder at the world and love of people. I can't wait for us both to die so I can finally meet her. *snorfles at own happy morbidity*

Who are you? How do you answer that question? How do you define your Self?

A while back I watched Anger Management, and though I thought it went overboard even for an Adam Sandler movie, it had some interesting social insights (which is why I like Adam Sandler movies. You're rolling your eyes most of the time, but occasionally there's something that makes you stop and go "huh! didn't think about that before." Well, it works that way for me anyway).

There's a scene where the psychologist asks Sandler, "Who are you?" and he starts to tell what his job is, and the psych cuts him off and says, "I didn't ask what you do, I asked who you are." Sandler gets more and more confused and frustrated as he is unable to answer that question without talking about what he does; he doesn't know who he is, separate from his actions. This made me wonder -- how would I answer that question?

I've been thinking about it more and more; how identity is separate from actions, yet most people define themselves by their actions. "I'm a (insert career here)" or "I'm a (insert sexuality here)" or "I'm a (insert art/hobby here)." But if I lie, that doesn't make me a liar; if I dance, that doesn't make me a dancer. If I cry a lot, that doesn't make me a depressive; if I often smile and laugh, that doesn't make me a happy person. If I have sex with many people, that doesn't make me a whore; if I refuse to conform in any way, that doesn't make me a freak. I don't believe in stamping people with their actions. What you do is not who you are.

I am a PERSON, and so are you, and actions are an expression of self overlaid by our current level of maturity. The more mature we are, the more our true self shows through our actions -- but unless you are extremely mature, only you (and those practiced in observing you) know when your true self is showing, and even then, it's just a feeling, a sense, an emotion -- nothing concrete. So you can't look at a person and tell who they are by their actions. It takes time and practice to be able to see through the actions to the true self underneath. If you have not invested the time and energy to learn to see a person, you have no right to try to define them with some sloppy label -- and if you have invested, there is no way you would try to define them by their actions.

Of course, this leaves me at a loss when I'm trying to describe a friend. "Oh, she's so amazing, she's just incredible..." and there really aren't any words that will describe a spirit! So I flounder about and try to think of actions that they do that show their true self, and I am left feeling SO dissatisfied, like I have just shown a black & white blurry photo of a sunset. It shows NOTHING of the true self -- that's something you simply have to experience for yourself. I think when Angelina said that she wants to taste everyone in the world, she meant she wanted to taste their spirit. She might have meant it sexually also, but of all people I think she most understands the euphoria of truly seeing the glorious wonder that glows within every single person. Before I die, I too want to taste everyone in the world.

(from this meme)

8. (from blood_4_deniro) if you could have a nice sit-down dinner with anyone in the world, from any time period, living, dead, or imaginary, famous, infamous, or someone from your own personal life, who would it be, and why.

Angelina Jolie. She's still the most open, honest, compassionate, open-minded person I have ever learned about. I've read so many quotes and interviews by her... she blows my mind. She donates a THIRD of her income from acting. a THIRD!!! Yes, she can afford it, but so can many other people in hell-ywood and do you see them doing it? And she's so beautifully unafraid. She follows her heart no matter what. People say shit about her adopting from various places in the world, but having a multicultural family is something important to her so she does it anyway. And she's bisexual and has never tried to hide it. And she loves tattoos so she gets ones that are meaningful to her, no matter that it is looked at as 'trashy' by many people. And added to all that, there is just something about her. Watching video interviews makes my heart beat fast, there is something unexplainable that inspires me almost as much as her words and actions. I know if I met her I'd cry my fuckin' eyes out. I can only hope that if I had a dinner with her I'd manage to get hold of myself in time to talk with her before it was over.

Also, every now and then I dream about her ♥ That means a lot to me because I believe that people's spirits can visit others in dreams. That doesn't mean that someone's always visiting me when I dream about them, but sometimes it does. When I wake up feeling changed, I know it was more than a dream.

9. (from bluebl00d) If you had the ability to read people's minds, who would be your first victim? And why?

probably Angelina, so I could see if she ever dreams about ME. I wouldn't want to read the mind of anyone I currently have a relationship with because I'd feel I was missing out on the learning process of communication. ;-)

10. (from bluebl00d) If you could cast a spell, and it resulted in a positive outcome what kind spell would it be?

hmmm. a spell to make all people radiate a force field that burned when threatened with rape/molestation, especially children. A bit of a downer since it isn't possible, but oh how incredibly free and happy I would be if that were the case.

11. (from blood_4_deniro) when growing up, who were your heroes (ie, superman, a family member, someone from history, etc) and why did you look up to them/how did it help you to have this/these person(s) as your hero.

I didn't have any hero or role model except God. I didn't want to be like any of the adults I knew -- I didn't admire any of them. I think that was both sad and freeing, because I felt like there weren't any inspiring adults in the world, but I also didn't try to make myself be like anyone but me. I don't think I found a role model until I was about 17, and that was Jennifer Knapp. Sadly there wasn't much info on her, so she was only a vague role model. My first REAL role model I learned of at 19, and she was Angelina. She inspired me to become more honest and open. She taught me more about God/dess than all of my pastors combined, I believe.

a moment to shriek with joy: I have a permanent account! Thank you soooooo much shioneh, clown_frog, rescoto, rosefox8, roina_arwen, broken_sodalite, spindell, lorelei_sakti, shadowlily, smurfb1ue, aubkabob, & wallbrat!!! And I bought it in the first 36 hours, so LJ donated $25 to RAINN out of the purchase. Out of YOUR donations really. :D

(skipping the first few days of Hannah's visit) We went out to see A Mighty Heart today (thoughts on that later), and as we left I noticed that Hannah was really quiet. I asked if she still wanted to go shopping and she said sure, so we headed over to the store. At one point I put my hand on her knee and she didn't respond at all, which is unusual, so instead of going straight to the store I pulled over into a nearby parking lot and asked her what was wrong.

She told me that she'd been feeling completely disconnected from me, and felt that I didn't care about her or the relationship, like I didn't even try to connect. After rambling for a bit (I felt that I had been trying my hardest, with the low amount of energy I have right now), I realized I had felt like she wasn't wanting to be communicative, and I felt like I had to just accept that. I had developed that mindset because for a while this year she wasn't able to connect with me, and there was nothing I could do about it, since I don't live in the same country. Even though that's not consciously something I would be okay with, I hadn't realized that I felt that way, so it hadn't changed. I also felt like I couldn't 'call her out' if I felt like she wasn't being open/honest, because I didn't want her to feel attacked. (and she felt that my lack of 'calling her out' was because I didn't truly care to hear her heart) So we talked about it a lot and she said that yes, she's sensitive, but it's okay for me to be direct, she appreciates that. And I changed the way I was thinking, and decided to operate in faith that she's okay with me challenging her. We both believe that's a big part of soulfriendship -- challenging each other to stretch and grow. This year hasn't been kind to us, nor to our relationship, but we're moving to the next stage.

Before that discussion, we'd been disconnected in such a way that I hardly even felt her presence -- since then, we re-opened our hearts to each other and I feel her presence -- the soothing, loving touch of her spirit brushing with mine. It's amazing... I just want to curl up into a teeny tiny ball and snuggle into her belly button.

---

A Mighty Heart was a wonderful movie... the cinematography could have been a hell of a lot better, but everything else was pretty amazing, and Angelina gave (in my opinion) the absolute best performance of her life. That woman inspires me so much ♥ and I am so grateful that she's making some 'real' movies again.

I dreamed that I was watching a movie that was slow and dull for the most part, but at the end Angelina had a small part. She was in the early stages of pregnancy, so she was rounded, and she was playing what I first thought was the glass harmonica and then realized was the harpsichord. She was playing naked, on a dark stage with a spotlight on her (in a concert hall?), in the movie, and after she finished the song, the scene shifted.

We were on this tropical island with a huge house, and it was all mine. We were exploring and I was amazed that I owned such a huge and beautiful place (we entered the island through a series of really long narrowish (bike width) wooden bridges). We went walking along the beach, being playful and teasing, and ended up rolling around in the shallows. I came on to her and she responded in kind, and we went deeper into the water, and I was holding her up as we kissed & etc. Then she said she was cold, so I suggested that maybe she should dry off, and we walked back up to the shore and she dried off. I started to reach for her and she kinda shrank back and said, "oh, I don't, I don't know," and I stopped and looked at her, and she saw that I was hurt/confused and said to me, "You did everything right, it wasn't that..." I looked into her eyes a little bit longer, and she apologized and said "I don't know what to say..." and we came to this kitchen counter that was in the middle of nowhere (on the beach!) and she sat on one side of the sink and I sat on the other. I looked at her and asked, "Is it because you feel that I might betray you for money?" and she didn't want to say it, but she kind of nodded, so I started to explain why I would never ever, EVER do something like that. I told her that I wouldn't even be tempted, because money isn't the thing I love most, what I love most are connections. and while I'd probably tell my close friends (thinking of LJ) because it was an important event in my life, I wouldn't tell fans or make it public. I said that the connection I would have with her would be far more important than any amount of money or fame, and I wouldn't do anything that might cause me to lose that connection. I could tell that she believed me, but before she had a chance to respond I WOKE UP. dammit.

I think it's pretty clear that in this dream she represents a part of my psyche.

I had SUCH a wonderful dream last night -- okay, yesterday evening. I sleep during the day when I can get away with it.

I was at work, on break, and I saw Angelina standing around waiting for something in front of the bank (which was closed). So I went up to her and told her that I thought she was wonderful and I gave her a note, and then I walked away and almost cried, because there she was! and I couldn't connect with her. Then I decided that it was worth the risk, and I went up to her all emotional and told her how I was feeling, how I was so astonished that she would just happen to be there when I was and that I couldn't stand to miss the opportunity, but I know she is always busy and wouldn't have time for me, I just wanted to express myself for the sake of openness. And she didn't say a word to me, just looked me in the eye as I was talking and when I finished she walked away -- to the CSMs where she convinced them to let me take the rest of the evening off! Then she took me in her car with her crazy burly fun driver (who did a u-turn in the median!) and we went to my flat so I could change out of work clothes so that we could go out, but she ended up changing too, into colorful clothes OMG (she's notorious for only wearing black/grey/beige/duuuuuuuullll colors). I gave her some letters that I had written to her but not sent, and she was touched, and then I asked if she ever got the necklace I sent her and she said, "That was you?" and thanked me for it and said the letter had meant a lot to her.

Unfortunately I woke up shortly after that and it all got blurred, but I remember having wonderful conversation and feeling so awed and blessed that she would take the time to spend an evening with me. I woke up and almost cried with joy! even though it was a dream, I didn't feel disappointed -- it felt real. I still feel blessed. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams, Angelina. ♥

last night: so depressed I went to bed early because I couldn't stand my own company -- escapism in sleep. Dreamed of meeting Angelina, who was ridiculously sweet to me. (in the dream I thought of how jealous you'd be, bluebl00d)
this night: so lonely I couldn't go to bed because I'm afraid of my dreams. I don't want to dream of happiness and wake up to loneliness. And I don't want to go to bed and be tempted to wake Ben, who desperately needs his sleep, just to beg him to love on me.

I'm starting to lose respect for Angelina Jolie, and I hate that, because she has been an inspiration to me like no one else. But the reason I have admired her is because she has always been so honest and open -- and I am not so sure that she is anymore. I'm still trying to give her the benefit of the doubt on the Brad Pitt thing, but if that rumor on CNN.com is true and she is allowing Brad to co-adopt her kids, I will have a very hard time believing that she is not in a romantic relationship with him. I have never seen any photos that really imply that they are lovers -- and their body language says 'just friends,' since they're always standing/walking at least two feet away -- but they are actors after all. And either way, she's not being open about the relationship (that I have heard, anyway -- I don't buy magazines, I just read stuff online). She has always been open about other relationships -- why is she suddenly private about this one? What happened to the girl who said exactly what she thought/felt, no matter what anyone thought?

I will always respect her as a person, and admire her acting skills, but the main reason I LOVED her seems to be disappearing. Were she an actual friend of mine, I'd reach out to her -- as it is, all I can do is watch sadly.

{this paragraph is a possible ED trigger} And an even deeper concern of mine is her weight. No matter what the body-dysmorphic girls in the communities say, she is definitely thinner than she used to be, and she is NOT at a healthy weight. She was healthy in Gia, Playing By Heart, even the Tomb Raiders, and she was okay in Life or Something Like It -- but in Mr. and Mrs. Smith I kept cringing at how thin she is! I know she has gone through periods of SI, and I have heard rumors that she used to have an eating disorder... I'm really afraid that now she is caught in an ED. I read an article about her nearly passing out in an airport -- which could be a variety of things, I know, but looking at her it seems obvious to me that it was from lack of nutrition. That bothers me because I can't help her, it really really bothers me because I care about her! And no one will even admit that she's suffering. They go on about 'oh, she's always been thin.' DUH. I have over a thousand photos of her on my hard drive -- I know what her body looks like and I know she has a slim frame. But there is a huge difference between her natural slenderness and this current skinniness. Her arms and legs look achingly thin, her breasts have shrunk, her jawline is extremely pronounced, you can see all of the bones in her hands and feet. Yes, I know you could see the bones before, but before you had to look. Now they pop out of the photos at you. And she looks SO exhausted and fragile.

And I feel terrible for her about that -- but at the same time, I feel like she is betraying all of her fans by not admitting it. She's allowing thousands of girls to think that her current body is healthy and attainable, and it's not, without self-destruction. And she herself said, "I feel better when I have more weight on me. So it's when I'm not feeling like myself that people are telling me I look great. It's so strange. No matter what, somehow it's like I'm not enough." I really hope -- and pray -- that whatever it takes, she will get healthy, return to the vibrant honesty and openness that she used to shine with. And I hope/pray that she slows down -- it may just be overwork, after all.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

• Ben aka Dragon aka sciethen -- the best husband anybody could ever hope for.
  
• Del aka Allison aka jedibubbles -- my spunky, sprightly, outgoing artist friend, whom I met in high school over an Anne McCaffery book.
  
• Paula & Spencer -- a wonderful couple whom I lived with for a year -- they taught me what real family was.
  
• Ashley aka alariya -- a new close friend; I was aquainted with her for years and recently we have grown close, very sweet and generous.
  
• Rebecca -- my very cherished best friend for 4.5 years, reserved but intense; also Ben's sister.
  
• elya -- my friend who is a living embodiment of a ray of sunshine, incredibly kind and gentle; also Ben's twin.
  
• Kristy -- my very outgoing, flirty friend who lives in Florida; also Ben's cousin.
  
• Kaylene -- a deep friend of mine who was part of my life for only a few months, yet she inspired me and understood me like no one else ever has.
  
• Gabe -- my spiritually adopted little brother, an amazing person whom I adore and am so proud of. You know when he's around because he sings everywhere he goes.
  
• Kristen -- my bossy, blunt, outgoing friend -- she was a friend of mine from middle school, and we've recently become friends again.

( more in-depth descriptions, with photos )

You should all do this so I can get to know the people in your life! (don't worry about the long part with the pictures, but do the short part!)

I went to a dinner with Angelina, Maddox, and a few friends of hers. We had just sat down when one of the men asks me if I think Maddox is going to be prejudiced. I said that that depended on his environment, which offended Angelina, so I explained that I didn't mean just her parenting, but environment in general. They were about to ask me more but I said to leave that conversation for a little later, so we could enjoy ourselves. -- The dream skipped to the end of the meal, and we still hadn't talked about it, but we all got up to leave. Angelina, Maddox and I dropped the man off at his house, and I walked her to her apartment. As we were walking, I was talking about how wonderful this certain kids book was -- with activities and coloring pages -- and she said that yeah, that sounded good, but she didn't want him to be exposed to the polynesian culture (the book was about that culture). I felt I had hit a wall of blindness in Angelina and I was so disappointed with her... I asked why not, and she said, "Because he has his own religion" -- meaning whatever the Cambodian religion is. I just let the matter drop and we walked in silence to her apartment building and didn't speak on the long ride up the elevator. But Maddox liked me and wanted me to hold him, and she didn't have a problem with that, which I felt was a strong measure of trust from her. Finally we reached the top floor, and she got out and walked to her door with Maddox and started rummaging in her purse for her key, not looking at me. So I, crestfallen, said "bye..." and she said curtly, "bye." I walked back into the elevator and a girl who was a dream-friend took one look at me and stormed out of the elevator. She said firmly to Angelina, "We aren't leaving until you really talk to her." Angelina said something to the effect of, "I don't see her. Why isn't she asking if she cares?" My dream-friend got upset and said, "She does this all the time!!" and I realized -- hey, this is Angelina. I should have just been my utter self and not treated her like a average, society-driven person. She'd accept craziness and probably love me for it. Unfortunately, that was when I began to wake up, and my concious mind took over, making the rest of it more a daydream than a dream.

The other night I dreamed of Angelina Jolie coming to my (old) house and dancing and singing worship songs with me and my little sister...
then the next night I dreamed of gathering humans onto a spaceship to leave the planet we were on because it was full of another sentient being that knew nothing but hate. There were humans who had grown to be as hate-consumed as the aliens, and they would be left behind, destroyed with the rest -- I felt sorrow, but knew it was necessary. As I was gathering these people (some were in prisons held by the aliens -- my old woostock house had been converted into a prison -- and I had to hold onto them and fly out), Eminem came up to me and I gathered him and his friend into my car. He was asking me many questions, mostly dealing with those being left behind. (All humans were offered the chance, (without knowing that we were going to blow up the planet) and those who chose to stay were the hate-consumed ones) It was hard for him because nearly everyone he knew was going to stay. But he chose to come.

--- In both of those dreams they came to me. Since I hadn't really been thinking about either lately (though I love them in a way people not like me cannot understand) it seems a sign to me -- that God wants me to pray for them. They both lead such difficult lives -- struggling to maintain themselves in a world that screams, "CHANGE! CHANGE! Your natural self is wrong, stupid, bad, evil! You're not good enough!" They're in my heart; if they could know that and understand what it means I think it would be a bit of comfort to them.

Last night I had a bizarre dream of a woman that gave me things (all kinds of gorgeous beads, new contacts) -- and then demanded that I repay her. I didn't have enough money, so she said, "But you can write on your story, can't you? Write!" At that, my mind went hazy and I saw a face which slowly widened into a scene of a girl on a horse, which widened to a storyline -- but then it confused itself into mundane life, with Paula and such.

I wrote these to add to my people webpage... and decided to post them. I'm all lovey lately. ;-) Oh yeah, and my links page is up and running... so check it out and tell me if you have any awesome links that I've missed.

( ...some people I love -- Dragon, Angelina Jolie, Allison, Kaylene, Jedidiah... )

That's enough for now... heh.

This is a 'reference guide' to the people I talk about the most. I'm wanted to type this up both for my people page and to link to in my userinfo, so new friends aren't too confused.
( here they are )