*hissss* You know what irritates me? When people come to me and try to lecture me about something that I know far more about -- something I have put hours and hours into educating myself about, while they have never done the slightest bit of research. I offer well-reasoned, well-supported arguments and they don't even read them, instead respond by going off on an absolute tangent that had nothing to do with what I said. I seriously need to stop casting pearls before swine. At least I've learned to drop it before they turn and trample me also.

( thank you PJ & Dolores! )

heh, I ran out of anger before I finished making this post but I'm making it anyway! If you're snarly today give me a hell yeah. ;-)

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. ( possible spoilers and anti-sexism ranting: on the FALSE concept of 'withholding' sex, the false concept that penis-in-vagina sex is the only 'legitimate' sex, the false concept that lack of sex is a good reason to dump a partner, and the idea that only women and children are susceptible to manipulation )

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

There's a lot I want to update about, especially Thursday, meeting SabR and Kazi and the cleansing ceremony with Ashley.

But right now I'm angry about so many things. Mainly at abusive people -- kevin, my dad, my aunt -- who try their damndest to control, use, and suck the energy out of the lives of those I love. Spouting lies, believing them, using them as a net to try to capture prey. And I admit it, I feel a little anger at my loved ones for not taking care of people whom I love -- themselves. Kick the abuser out and keep them out! They have no concept of a mutual relationship -- they just want to take from you. And if you let them, you're harming the both of you -- it's like enabling an alcoholic. They don't know what they need, and you giving them the substitute they crave just keeps them from really living.

It's never a good thing to yield to an abusive person; it's not good, it's not generous, it's not loving. There can be no real love where there is not respect -- for both self and other. There can be affection, fondness, but never true love. Love is wanting the greatest good for the both of you, and being willing to sacrifice for that (including sacrificing the relationship!). That desire can only develop in the presence of deep respect for the innate worth of both yourself and the other.

Fleas! Uh. I got so behind on my LJing because I just couldn't concentrate on anything, I was so frustrated I was snapping at Ben a lot... so despite our limited funds we went out and bought flea powder and spray and killed the damn things! It took more than a day to see a difference, though, and I was worried that the powder wasn't working, but they got weaker and slower and now finally it has been a full day since I've seen one! And we got Advantage for Kanika and she finally has her energy back -- she was scratching so much she didn't even have the energy to play. So if you ever have flea problems, use Adams powder, leave it on for 48 hours, vaccuum, and then use Adams spray wherever it's impossible to vaccuum.

You wouldn't think something so small would affect you so much but I was SO upset about it. I felt unsafe and invaded and SO frustrated because I couldn't keep them from jumping on me! And then I'd smush and smush them between my fingers and they'd hop away unfazed when I opened my fingers!

But it's over now, hallelujah.