These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

I was just thinking about Anika the other day, and I realized something that made me so happy. I'm not bitter! and I'm no longer angry. I've forgiven her (not for her sake, but for my own). As my counselor told me once, forgiveness means giving up your right to be paid back -- it's cancelling the debt owed for the pain caused (whether the pain is intentional or not). It's not for the other person's sake, it's for your own. I can either sit here and wait and wait for something that probably will never happen (and in some cases, like my dad, isn't possible -- he could serve me without fail for the rest of his life and it wouldn't make up for it) or I can cancel the debt myself and be free. In order to let go of the pain and be fully healed, I have to close out the emotional transaction. It bothers me that I haven't forgiven my dad completely, because I know that is holding me back and keeping me trapped in some ways, but I just haven't managed to do it yet. Maybe I need a father figure to fill some of the debt before I can cancel the rest. I don't think I have enough emotional capital to cancel that debt right now.

I can tell that I have forgiven her because I no longer feel pain at being closed out of her life, and I know that if she came to me and said, "let's start over and be friends again," I might be willing to do that. It would depend on how positive of a person she was at that time, but I wouldn't hold any of the past as a reason to say yes or no. I feel relieved to know this. I have no regrets; I am glad we had a friendship, glad I gave to her, and glad it ended. It was just time. Goodbye Anika, thank you for being a part of my life for the time that you were.

I used to think that forgiveness was a simple decision, make it and you're done. Now I think that the simple decision is the seed, and once planted it has to be nourished in order to blossom. If the wound was more than superficial, forgiveness takes time to develop -- and I think that the nourishment necessary is the love of others. Thank you, my amazing loving friends, for helping me get to this point. I would be so much less without you. ♥

and now a mega-belated appreciation post! in random order because I don't remember whose arrived when:

( gorgeous purple silk shoulder bag with shimmery embroidered flowers )
valynn send me this utterly gorgeous bag. It's impossible to photograph correctly, but it's sooooooo beautiful. I immediately started using it when I got it, and I smile and think of Valynn every time I use it. Oh! And she sent it in a purple envelope! ;-D Thank you soooooo much Valynn, it was so very thoughtful. ♥

( Heather Nova CD from Nisha! )invisibleglue sent me this CD, and I promptly listened to the entire thing (re-listening right now). It's more folksy than I usually like, but I really like Heather's voice and turn of phrase (I will be your misfit queen) and I feel just honored that Nisha shared her with me. ♥

( 2 lovely bookmarks, a sparkly dragonfly pin, and a purple etched shell )darkpool send me these two bookmarks (which I had to take out of my two current reads to photograph) which are both so beautiful and so me. The spring green of the butterfly one is a color that means a lot to me, and the celestial patterns of the other one are just so intricate, and appeal to my love of night. The dragonfly is elegant and stylized without losing it's fierceness, and the shell just holds so much mystery to me. Anything oceanic calls to me... I used to daydream of being able to breathe underwater, living in the ocean. Thank you so much for all the thought and love you put into this present, Kyra. ♥

( a thick book and artwork from Kate! )clown_frog blew. me. away. with this amazing Christmas/birthday present. That portrait of me? She painted it. Yeah! And then sent me the original (it's miniature, about 4x5 inches or 10x13cm) The original!!!! The colors are actually more vivid, but I had to take a photo since I don't yet have a working scanner. What really gets me are the eyes... she captured the true color of my eyes without ever seeing them in person. I love this painting so much, I think it is my most treasured material possession. AND she sent a thick book (which I have not yet read because I am simply glutted with reading material lately, I'm in the middle of about 6 books right now) ANDANDAND!!!!! She made a video of herself telling me happy birthday and talking a little and OMG she is so darn cute and I feel soooooooooooooooo special because she's so shy that that was quite a gift! *hugs the floppy* Kate, you are an absolute darling and I adore you! ♥ ♥ ♥ I so can't wait to meet you. ;-)

( a shower of presents from my hannah-love! )shioneh put so much positivity into this package. ;-) The butterfly in the middle was wound up inside the card and flew out, showering me with glitter, when I opened it! I shrieked and then giggled delightedly, of course. And stickers and a gorgeous faery card (filled with glitter and confetti of course) and a fae promise, and the beautiful journal filled with hannah-energy and embossed with a silver dragonfly, which is sort of the 'totem' (forgive me if I misuse the word) of both of us. I am intimidated by that journal though, because it is just so special that I can't bring myself to mark in it... but I will. It meant a lot to hannah and she chose to give it to me, which I view as a very sweet sacrifice which I will not waste. (and dammit I forgot to include the awesome bracelet hannah made me! I will have to photograph it soon)
( the garnet-winged fae and faery box )But my favorite of her gifts is the faery pendant. ♥ hannah has one just like it, which makes me feel connected to her every time I wear my fae. I named her Shylana, and I wear her on a silver chain that drops her right above my heart. I wear her on days when I need to feel connected and strong and full of feminine creative magic. (red is, to me, the color of female power) She made the long trip from Belgium to Georgia in the little green box with a glow-in-the-dark fae on the top. I told hannah of my fascination with glow-in-the-dark things and she remembered and found this little treasure for me. ♥ ♥ ♥ hannah, you shine such a light in my life. ♥

( my updated postcard wall -- no longer all stiff and ordered! with Kate's painting framed in the center )although it's already outdated because I got Nisha's lovely postcard today (thank you lovely!), but my 'rechargable' (hah!) batteries are teh dead so I shall have to take another pic soon. I still have the dreamcatcher Anika made me hanging in my corner... it speaks of love and generosity to me. The friendship may be over, but I no longer feel any anguish over that, and all the good is still cherished in my heart. (I did take the postcard down though -- that one from her city is from someone else. I have limited postcard space and some of you *looks out sternly* still owe me postcards!)
( my desk with all its reminders of love )

I feel like I'm forgetting something important... if you sent me something and I didn't mention it, I know it meant a lot to me but my brain is quite scrambled right now.

You know when you're so in love with someone that your conversation is peppered with random 'I love you's just because you feel it so much you can't help but say it? And the other person says it back with just as much feeling and then you both sigh in contentment and smile quietly for a bit? I have TWO people like that in my life right now. I am the most blessed person ever. I know I would have chosen this life -- with all the shit too, yes ALL of it. I wish I had known that I had this to look forward to when I was in my darkest hours. I think it would have made a difference. But hey, I'm still here, so it doesn't really matter.

"Perfect love casts out fear" -- I am living that right now. I have love, true forever love, from the two most amazing people I have ever met, and it is casting out my fear. It no longer matters nearly so much to me that some people whom I love might think ill of me (I'm not perfect, it still matters -- but it no longer paralyses me), because I know that I can count on Ben and Hannah to see me for who I really am. Most friendships end. It seems that nearly all of my closest friendships are crashing down around my ears... Rebecca, Anika, Kaylene (although thank God, that was a friendly parting), and possibly Allison. I just sent her an email because I want to know if she wants to continue a friendship with me or not... I just can't tell. She could just be too busy... but if not, I want to know. If she's gotten all she can from our friendship and is ready to move on, I want to be able to gather my heart back to myself. She's still very important to me (always will be), and emotionally I feel like I am circling in the air, unable to land. I am okay with landing on either side, but I just can't fly any more. I feel like I am living in denial and I refuse to do that.

A few years ago I wouldn't have thought it was possible to be sad and so happy at the same time. I am still mourning Anika, though in a healthy way now. I can actually think about the fact that she's pregnant without wanting to cry over the fact that I won't be "Aunt Bel" or anything at all to that beautiful little girl (for whatever reason I am completely sure that it's a girl). It still saddens me but it doesn't rip me to shreds. I'm detatching, healing. And I know that a large part of the credit goes to all of you who offered me such wonderful support, in particular Sidhe, Mary Beth, and Kevloid. Thank you loves. And by the way, I'm not going to go back and respond to those comments individually, but know that I deeply value every caring word and the time taken to write them. I just feel like responding to them would drag me back into those feelings, and I want to move on.

-------------

I had a weird experience today at work -- this woman came through my line and just pissed me off. Usually the most a person can get out of me is irritation, but I was downright furious. And she wasn't even rude in tone or action -- just in her attitude. It was so incredibly disrespectful that I wanted to throw her stuff on the floor and scream at her to get the fuck away from me, and away from every human. Her attitude seemed to say, "humans are all worthless shit." I've never had such a strong reaction to such an indefinable thing -- there was something evil with her. I've been treated like a servant before -- this was different, far worse. And she had a kid! *shudder*

Fortunately, two customers later I got a customer who mentioned that I had checked him out before and said that I was always so smiley and friendly, and that gave me such a burst of positivity that it wiped off the other experience. I felt bad for not remembering him, but then with hundreds of customers a week it's really impossible.

And that reminds me! About a week ago, I checked out one lady who was just so fun. She started talking about these organic cookies that she loves and had to open, and eventually insisted that I have one (I protested, "but my hands are dirty!" but she insisted) -- it was quite yum. She complimented me on my bagging, my friendliness, the fact that I checked her ID for the alcohol and for her credit card, and the fact that I double-checked the turnstile to make sure she got all of her bags, and as she signed, she asked if I could call my manager up. Polly was actually on the register right in front of me, so I said, 'that's actually her right there' and pointed. She told me "You made it a joy" (!!!) and then went over to Polly and sang my praises to her. Polly agreed with her enthusiastically. ;-D I was blushing like crazy, but so pleased. I don't think the lady realized that part of the reason she was so delighted was because she wanted to be. She made it a joy for me, too! I love people who look for joy. ♥

The more I think about the situation with Anika, the more I realize just how perfect the timing was. It was a horrible breakup, yes, but somehow I feel that it was the right timing. I don't regret anything. I'm glad I spent a week supporting her, holding her when she cried and trying to build her up and show her her worth. I'm glad I cried in front of her, though that was hard for me. I value the soul-sharing we did, I value the cuddles, I value the giggles and teasing. I'm glad I spent sixteen months getting to know her. I'm glad I got to meet this shining soul.

I'm glad that she did not want soulfriendship with me at the time. Yes, I was disappointed and cried on and off for a week, but the truth is, I'm glad she was honest. And while I was disappointed that she didn't have the desire, I instantly lost the desire myself when I learned that she didn't want it. Soulfriendship isn't something you can be halfway about, it's not something that you shrug and say, 'okay, sure,' to, it's not something you do because the other person wants it. It has to be something that burns within you, that rises up like a storm from your soul and clouds your sight. It has to be something that you passionately desire. Soulfriendship is a commitment, and it probably seems very confining to most. It is confining -- you are tying your soul to another for life, in a very intimate way. But Oh. My. God. it is freeing, liberating, healing, growth-inducing.

I started a soulfriendship with Ben (aka frenetik) on January 19th, 2002. I didn't have a word or clear concept for it back then, but that was the moment that we decided to commit to each other for life, forever to grow closer in heart and soul and spirit. I had forgotten just how incredibly magical and uplifting and strengthening it is. It's still that way, but day-to-day life wears the luster off. I just put in a schedule change though, so hopefully with more time together the luster will have a chance to shine through as clearly -- or more so -- than before. Ben is amazing. It takes an astonishingly strong and generous person to put up with me when I am irritable and nagging and demanding, which only comes out at home, of course. (I'm not ALWAYS that way, no, but I am often enough to require a decent store of patience!) It has been a thrilling journey getting to know Ben, learning that I can forever and always depend on him, that I can be UTTERLY myself with him and have no fear that he will give up on me or see me as hopeless. We are truly inseparable. I could not live up to even half of my current self without him, and vice versa (though sometimes I have a hard time seeing what I have given him, if I think hard enough I realize that I have given him a lot too).

On March 16th, 2006, I started a soulfriendship with Hannah, aka shioneh. I am truly the most blessed person in the world, I get giddy every time I think about it. So quickly, so easily, we held hands and took the leap from close friendship to soulfriendship. We're friends forever, and I can't fully describe the comfort and security of this eternal friendship.... it is true beauty. Here on earth all beauty is tainted with sadness because it has an end, but things of the spirit are eternal and have true beauty. We have already climbed mountains... I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't had the fresh joy of our soulfriendship to sustain me through losing Anika. Hannah was so loving and encouraging, affirming me when I felt like I had no worth. I am still in shock that I have this... scintillating connate spirit with which to share everything. All the nights that I cried my lonely self to sleep, all the days I walked in pain because I felt severed from the world -- they were worth it. So worth it. I couldn't have possibly designed myself a soulfriend who would be 1/1000000th as right for me. And I can see God's hand -- had I met Hannah earlier she wouldn't have been ready, and I wouldn't have been ready for her. It was perfect timing. (101 days!)

I want to mention that I do not believe that soulfriendships are exclusive, but I do think that they require a long period of growth before they are mature enough that one will have the energy to invest in a second (or third or fourth, etc.).

remember that abdominal pain that sent me to the ER in Feb? it came back, but this time I went straight to bed when it showed up and barely stirred until it eased. I'm still a little uncomfortable, but no stabbing pain most of the time. I know, I know -- "go to the doctor" but that's so freaking expensive and unless it gets worse I am not wasting money on another "hm, dunno what's wrong with you, give us $5,000." I am completely disillusioned with modern medicine. Hopefully by the time I have to go to work on Wednesday it will be completely gone -- it lasted about 5 days last time, two intense and three dull, and that's what I've been through this time. But I don't deal well with being sick.

( My mom left my dad this weekend... )

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall of this came on top of a spiritual sickness that started on Friday... I felt like my spirit was throwing up, sick to the point of death. Scary, especially since I had no idea where it came from. Now I'm thinking that it was a combination of a lot of things... I still haven't really mourned the loss of Anika and I'm having a hard time trusting people whom I had no doubts in before. I put more effort into treating Anika with respect, space, unconditional love, and consideration for her sensitivities than I EVER have in any other relationship. I know I wasn't perfect, but I couldn't POSSIBLY have tried harder, and that makes her disgust and rejection of me so very hard to deal with. Usually at the end of a friendship I can look back and say, well, I could have done this and this and this, and been a much better friend -- not so here. So if my best efforts are not good enough, how then can I trust friendships that I HAVEN'T given that much effort to? I feel like in order to compensate I have to do some magical transformation of myself to become a hugely better person -- that's a false feeling but I'm having a hard time getting rid of it. The mature part of me knows that I am not to blame for being rejected, but the immature part says, "you were rejected at your best, there must be something fundamentally unworthy about you that your efforts cannot overcome." Bah.

I will not let that voice win. I am a worthy person, I am a good friend, and I not only do my best, I strive to learn and grow so that my best improves. I will not stamp myself with someone else's opinion of me. I will glean what I can from this experience. I have learned that sometimes no matter how hard I try, I will fail to meet someone else's desires or expectations. I have learned that I cannot predict what someone else will desire or expect -- so I should ask, but still understand that what I think is good, someone else might think is bad. I have learned that I cannot measure my success as a friend by how pleased the friend is with me, but rather by how much I lived by what I believe to be good friendship -- and that for the sake of harmony, I should seek friends who share my beliefs about friendship. I was the best friend that I knew how to be, and I hope that that had a positive effect on some level, but even if it didn't, I have developed as a person through it. I have learned more of patience and humility, and how to restrain my tongue/fingers (sometimes). And perhaps most importantly, I have grown in my ability to give unreservedly. When Anika came to visit, I opened my heart to her in a way that I never have before, and I grew so much from that experience. I no longer have such an intense fear of rejection, because while she visited she accepted my love completely -- and rather than feeling drained, I felt stronger because I gave. I look forward to giving my love more lavishly and fearlessly as I grow. No labor of love is in vain -- I believe that with everything in my being.

Ideas have bottlenecked in my brain. So much I want to say! Aish.

( I've been thinking over past friendships... )

I don't know why I wanted to write this... I felt the need to process my losses, I suppose. I think they have been heavy on my subconscious lately, which is why I have felt so terribly lonely. I feel like going out on the street with a sign that says, "be my friend?" Something, anything, I need love.

Actually, I think I know why all of this is so fresh. I'm wanting to commit my heart to another, and my heart is saying to me, "You know it's going to end in abandonment" and I struggle to believe that the joy is worth the pain. At the core, I believe that, but so much of me just cringes and says, "Please don't make me walk through the fire again." And part of me says that it is impossible to have a long-distance soulfriendship... while the other part says that I've done it twice before, it's difficult but not anywhere near impossible. I'll just have to get my hugs and such from Ben -- but that makes me want to cry because he doesn't enjoy cuddling and I don't want just sympathy cuddles, I want the kind I give, the kind that is given because you just can't help it, it's natural. Why can't I have a nearby friend? Somebody cuddly move here please. :-(

Anika came to visit, as I posted, and we had such a deep connection. Even though she was going through a terribly hard time (two of her most valued relationships in serious crisis), I was so happy she was visiting. I didn't resent the timing because I was so glad that for once I was able to be a real support for her -- it's hard to do that over distance.

We talked about deep friendships and being soulfriends, and she told me that she was interested in being soulfriends, but that she wasn't sure she could offer that to me right now. I heard her words, but somehow they didn't sink in. I guess I thought that I had changed her mind? Because we had a long talk establishing that she did WANT to, and my overeager self made the assumption that she just was. Really, I had done a lousy job of explaining what a soulfriend is (my word, so I get to define it), and so we parted with very different expectations.

Then she went back home, decided to end one of the relationships and really work on the other, and while being sad about the one ending, she was utterly delighted that the other had come back to life. She was SO happy.

I wasn't (obviously). I was relieved and happy for her, but fighting a deep depression that got worse as I looked at myself and my marriage. I've never been giddy in love. I don't know what it's like to be euphoric. I don't know what it's like to have a healthy sex life. I was a consensual virgin when I got married and as soon as I got married I started going through issues of sexual abuse, which just KILLED my desire. Sex has always been just a physical thing for me, which just devastates me. So I just try not to think about it, except when it can't be helped. I am deeply ashamed of how rarely I have sex -- or rather, how rarely I give Ben sex. Because I can't think of it as something for me. That's the main reason that I feel like I will never be good enough as a wife.

So I was depressed about my marriage, but at first still happy about Anika because I felt like I had finally found a soulfriend, so even though I was depressed I'd have someone to lean on besides Ben, someone to listen and care and be there for me no matter what. (I asked her permission to post about this) I missed her but I thought that missing her wouldn't hurt too much since she said she'd try to stay in touch better. I emailed her, commented a lot, called her... reaching out, unusual for me. Days went by and I started to worry, wonder, and feel hurt because she hadn't responded. I talked to Ben, who did his best to comfort me and say that she was just busy -- but that didn't make me feel any better because she wasn't too busy to email other people or post. Ben talked to her on Thursday and she called me late that night and talked to me, told me that she had been too busy, that she wanted to put a lot of thought into responses to me and that was why she hadn't sent any. And that made me feel a little better.

But then we exchanged some emails, 'cause she asked me to clarify what I meant by soulfriend, and came to the conclusion that she'd not ready for that. And after a bit I realized that I can't stop loving her anyway, so I decided to accept that and just live without it, still be her friend, still support her and give to her as best as I can. I can't focus on the faint possibility that we may become soulfriends in the future -- I'd feel betrayed that she'd not giving that now. Because I do not believe that it is impossible -- impossible to do very well, yes, but not out-and-out impossible.

I'm trying to adjust my feelings and thoughts accordingly... but it is so fucking hard. She's already THERE in my heart, and it hurts so badly to realize that I'm not there in hers -- that I may never be. I can't do a damn thing about it. I know I can't love her less. It may be unfair and stupid and ridiculous, but I feel like I have lost her. You can't lose what you never had? maybe, but I thought -- believed -- that I had it. And I am so disgusted with myself for falling like that again.

It is so hard to even type the words, but I was soulfriends with Kaylene. And when I offered soulfriendship to Kaylene, she jumped at the chance, was as excited as me, and really lived it -- for just a few months. Then a ton of shit happened in her life, she was in terrible pain, and she decided that being that open was too painful, so she left me (she moved for financial reasons but didn't keep in contact for other reasons). I don't begrudge her that, I understand, but it still hurts so badly. She left me. I don't think that will stop hurting until I either die, or become soulfriends with her again. I think that we will be close again, but I doubt that it will happen in this life. It still hurts so much -- I still mourn, though not nearly as often as I used to. It has been two years, after all.

Now I feel like I've lost another soulfriend -- and it's not as bad because it was only a few days, and I only thought (rather than knew) that I had it, but it still hurts so much. And it hurts differently, because with Kaylene I was able to comfort myself with the knowledge that it was real and pure while it lasted, and this one was all in my head. And yet, looking back, I can see that neither Kaylene nor I were as open as Anika and I were during her visit... now I'm trying to turn to Ben (and he's been such a great husband lately) but it's not something he understands, since he's never suffered a loss like that.

Anika is worth any waiting. She's phenominal, incredible, amazing: certainly capable of that depth of friendship. She's just not ready. And I'll wait, even as I have waited for Allison.

But I'll keep looking, hoping, yearning for a soulfriend -- I can't squelch that desire without locking up all the most valuable parts of me. And if someone else comes along who is able and desiring to be soulfriends with me, I am not going to lock them out. I have room for more than one soulfriend in my heart, but I suspect that the first one to stay will be the most sacred to me.

So! I have no photos of the visit (sorry to disappoint! but we did reschedule for March) for several reasons -- most importantly, we procrastinated and then Anika and I synched up cycle-wise and spent most of the last day in serious discomfort (how's that for fast synching?) -- but I'm going to try to put some of my favorite moments into words. (and Anika, you better not take the easy way out again and just link to my post! I want to read YOUR perspective)

( monday -- Anika arrives )

( tuesday -- mexican with Ashley, talk on homosexuality )

( wednesday -- Rebecca is awesome )

Thursday I had to work again, which was kinda a good thing because Anika needed some alone time. That night we watched Foxfire, which I can never see without crying -- and I just broke down. Like I mentioned, Anika's presence brought up my repressed desires for a soulfriend, and watching Foxfire just intensified that exponentially. So I cried and cried and went completely incoherent and then finally composed myself enough to express to Anika what I wanted. I told her that I don't necessarily want her to be willing to throw her life away for me, I just want to know if she has experienced that desire, that incredibly deep burning desire for TRUE friendship, the kind that says, "hmm -- my dreams, or sharing more life with my friend? eh, I can get new dreams, or pursue them later." Because no one has ever so much as admitted to having that desire. The first time I posted about it, someone on my friends list (no longer around) took me to task for desiring it, saying that soulfriends as I define them do not exist and that I should stop being so sentimental and be satisfied with lesser connections. To that, I now say with confidence: Bullshit. Just because you choose to live less intensely does not mean that my intensity is silly or wrong or crazy or a waste. I found what I was looking for -- Anika has also wanted that. I am not alone in my passion for deep connections.

Anika expressed that she had been going through so much that she didn't know much of who she was or what she wanted, so she felt like she couldn't give me what I wanted. I told her that it doesn't matter to me what she is like right now, I want to know who she is at core. She said she didn't know who that was -- but I told her that her desires, what she has yearned after in her brightest moments, is to be her core self; and she had told me that she had had the desire to be soulfriends. That's enough for me, I said -- I am willing to wait and support and love you through the transformation, because I know it will happen. I could almost see it beginning, like a shell cracking, light glowing through the cracks.

( friday -- crystal shop, dinner with the guys, chick flick with Ben )

( saturday -- agony and yumminess )

Later Ashley went home to sleep so that she could be alert enough to take Anika to the airport (she's a morning person). Ben and Anika and I stayed up all night, spending most of it talking on the couch, Ben sitting at one end and Anika and I laying lengthwise with my head on her belly. I loooooooooved talking, and I loooooooooooooooooved being so close to my soul-twin and my lover. I am such a physical touch person. That memory is so sweet; thinking on it makes me feel honey. Honey, the emotion.

At about 4am Anika got a call and went into the bedroom to talk and Ben took a nap on the couch, so I just waited around for 6am... wishing that Anika didn't have to leave. But eventually we went to Ashley's, switched into her car, and headed to the airport. Anika and I had hit that point where EVERYTHING is funny, so we giggled like crazy the whole way to the airport (including the inevitable wrong way detour). I love her laugh, but I ADORE her giggle. It's just so bubbly, so anika! We arrived at the airport and Ben and Ashley said goodbye at the car... I walked Anika to the security checkpoint, and tried for several minutes to say goodbye. It was just so HARD! We held hands all the way there, and we'd let go to hug, then hold hands and say I love you... drift into silence staring into each others' eyes, then hug again... (I am certain that the security lady thought we were lesbians. She kept peering over suspiciously, like we were going to do something crazy) Finally I told her that she had to walk away first, 'cause she was the one leaving, and after one last hug she walked away. I watched until she turned around, then waved and turned to walk away too.

I have so much to say about Anika's visit... but what's really on my mind right now is something inspired by her but not about her.

I have been growing less and less interested in LJing, even thinking of dumping it entirely, and didn't realize why. It was becoming another shell, another way of being 'perfect' -- too much about what other people would want to read and no longer about me being myself. Too much about methods and rituals -- organizing how I would post, how I would comment, and then hating the methods and so avoiding the whole thing entirely. I have a war within myself between my old, method-bound, organize-and-follow-directions self, and my true self, who prefers to live by instinct, following the callings within and ignoring the pressure from without. Sometimes I get confused as to which is the true self.

Being around Anika, my soul-twin, and seeing how she lives, moves, believes, reacts, taught me a lot about myself. We are both passionately honest, but neither of us is completely open. I'm not as open as I thought I was, and she's not as open as I thought she was. I had completely repressed my intense, overwhelming desire for a 'soulfriend' -- a relationship so much deeper than friendship as most people understand it -- to the point that I had forgotten about it. That means that I haven't even been truly open with myself for long while. I have been locking away my emotions because I haven't had a safe person to share them with -- my marriage has been rocky, and it only hurts more to share my feelings with someone who loves but does not understand. Anika is my soul-twin, she understands me so well. Even as insecure as I have felt this week, not wanting to burden her since she is already hurting, and not sure how much of me she wants to know, I have felt safe enough to open up several dusty locked trunks inside. In one of them I rediscovered my desire to know myself, despite the pain that inevitably comes along with that.

In another I found my desire to be my true self -- that messy, organic, magical, primitive, wild self. I'm not inherently a neat, thoughtful person. I can be, but it's not one of my stronger qualities. My true self is impulsive, mercurial, changeable, unpredictable -- with all the crap that comes along with that. I can make people feel left out or forgotten or overlooked, because I AM so impulsive. And I've been trying to be this person who is steady and dependable -- it's just not me! I am the kind of person who will walk over burning coals if I know that you need it, but I am not the type to watch everyone I love and figure out for them if they need me. I have to be told, usually. Which requires a sacrifice on the other person's part -- they have to be vulnerable enough to say, "I need you to __________." And it's okay for me to be the kind of person that I am. I will slowly grow better at discerning needs, but I will never be as good as people who are born with that gift. And that's okay -- but I didn't realize that until I looked at Anika and saw a person with many of the same gifts (and lacks!), and saw how incredibly perfect she is just as she is. We weren't meant to be steady and dependable and predictable -- we have other gifts.

What this means in LJ-land is that I am deleting the ton of posts in my "temp" bookmark folder, and I will comment as I feel the impulse. I will post when I feel the impulse, rather than carefully filling every box in my calendar with a post every day. This will probably mean that sometimes your friends-page will be spammed with my posts -- and I refuse to lj-cut text, because I like to read my journal without having to flip between pages. Selfish? Perhaps. But it is important to me and I am not willing to sacrifice it. I may also de-add some people whose journals I tend to skim, because with my lack of commenting I want to be able to promise people who are on my list that I read their every word. And I won't respond to every single comment in my journal, but only those that I feel the desire to (or that ask a question, of course).

I'm starting to get really nervous! And I am going to go to sleep now despite all the other things I want to do, so that I can be alert for Anika (and hopefully clean up some of this huge wreck before I pick her up from the airport -- how the hell does it get so messy so fast?).

Excuse me for a moment while I

freak out!!!

eternitywaiting IS COMING TO VISIT FOR A WHOLE FREAKING WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!
and it's all thanks to alariya, who paid for her plane ticket!!!!!
when I thanked her for being THE BEST PERSON EVER, she said cheerily, "Happy (early) Birthday!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA, I GOT AN ANIKA FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! And my friends, there is no better gift. ALL MINE!!!!! Oh I feel so freaking... there just isn't any word or stream of words that suits. alariya, you are such an awesome friend -- you have SUCH a generous heart. I know you did this mainly for Anika and I, thinking of us first. Just wow. ♥ ♥ ♥

And I am so glad that I have two days to adjust to the idea. Because I'm only spontaneous when it's my idea. heh. Yes, I am a recovering control freak, okay? She's going to be here MONDAY -- OMG OMG!!!!! I'm getting all jittery just thinking about it!

*jitters with excitement* green couch conversations... visiting the greatest used book store ever... cuddles... watching Foxfire... I am so stream of consciousness!

AND we're going to do photos! including work-safe ones! Hopefully with storeyphoto!

okay I'll stop now. ;-D

Happy Birthday eternitywaiting!!!

There just aren't words to explain how much I love you! You're my soul-twin, it is uncanny how much we are alike (I even have the same bra size now, btw!) -- and I love that because for the longest time I felt like the only one of my species. We have our differences of course -- my hated color is your favorite, which has taken some adjustment on my part, heh. (I have ORANGE in my journal right now, omg!) You are the most open-minded person I've ever met, and I adore that. This is a bit painful to write because whenever I focus on how wonderful you are I get so sad that you are so far away and I can't spend the time with you that I want to. But you know what? I need to appreciate the Anika-ness that I have. I love having you in my life. I love talking with you about anything, 'cause I know you're going to listen and respect my opinion, even considering altering your own opinions if I say something that you hadn't thought about. And at the same time, I know I can trust you to be completely honest with me -- even if you think it might offend me. Do you know how rare that is? Of course you do. ;-) I adore how passionate you are, how wild and open and colorful and true you are. Next time I see you, I'm not wasting my time trying to be anything other than completely honest and in-the-moment. And I'm sure you will be too, and we just might make the world explode from so much purity of energy. I can't wait!

I treasure you. ♥

This is my Christmas thank-you post. ♥ I have SO. MANY. beautiful people in my life. I am the most blessed person ever, really. I need to look at my blessings more often because DAYUM!

Oh how much I love you. If I could bottle my love it would easily replace electricity all over the world for a day. When I really think about it, I get filled with so much energy that it makes me want to SCREAM! just to let it out. I need more outlets for my love, really. You all live too damn far away for me to be able to pour into your lives. I think maybe I should start visiting the loca