There is this attitude among some people that culture is something that belongs to a person by birthright. This is a form of prejudice, and I hate it every bit as much as the rest. Anything that is exclusionist on the basis of the way a person was made (race, sex, family) is prejudiced.

Yet some people think that if others (whites especially) try to learn about other cultures, and possibly adopt their belief systems, they are 'usurping' their culture. This is bullshit. I do understand the drive behind it, especially for those who have been an oppressed minority -- there's the idea, "You did _______ to us, now you want to share our treasure? Fuck off!" I might have that attitude myself if I was an oppressed minority, because it is completely justified. That doesn't make it right.

If a person respects you, your race, and your culture, and they want to learn and perhaps even adopt your culture, you should be flattered! Can they pay a greater compliment to your culture than wanting to emulate it? As human beings, we need to recognize that culture is what we have made and are making it. It's constantly in flux, because it is shaped by very changeable humans. We should encourage the desire to learn about each other, to respect each others' beliefs and ways of living, and possibly to adopt those that resonate with our inner selves.

This was brought on because I wandered into a culture-focused community, hoping to find people celebrating their culture -- instead I found nothing but negativity and hate for others, and a very exclusionist attitude regarding culture and religion. I agree that it's justified -- but what good does it do? What good does it ever do to hate other human beings?

I recently got this beautiful response to my anti-racism page:

( anti-racism from a South African point of view )

I firmly believe that embracing diversity and celebrating differences are the way to combat racism -- 'tolerance' does not work.

I don't feel black enough. And that makes me feel stiff and boring and inadequate. And I know it all has to do with my dream of being part of Paula and Spencer's family. That stupid fucking dream just won't DIE. DAMN YOU! I want to carve out my idiotic heart and slice it into tiny pieces. STOP HURTING ME stop hurting me stop hurting me stop hurting me stop hurting me stop, please. Why can't I get over this? And I wonder... if I was black or if I just had more 'black culture,' would Paula trust me more? Would she call me like she calls Danica? Would I be part of their lives? Paula wanted to be Danica's 'spiritual mother' -- but with me, she freaked out and got very cold when I confessed that I wanted that from her... and Danica's white too. But something's different about her, something that makes her 'fit.' Danica's an incredible person, but am I not too? What's wrong with me? I know I lack, show me where and I will work on it I promise!

Please don't tell me that I'm fine the way I am or that my culture is fine and I shouldn't try to be something I'm not... I know I'm fucked up and I know I have racism and I KNOW that and I'm trying to get over it, really I am. But white culture is incredibly boring, stiff, colorless, dull, lying, for the most part. There are wonderful subcultures, I know... but.

I love Paula and Spencer and my brother and William and my babygirl so very much but I try hard never to think about them because it always, always makes me cry. I'm writing this entry blind with tears. I wish I wish I could just LET IT GO.

I went to visit Paula and babygirl, but couldn't bring myself to ask for anything. My arms ached with desire to hold this magnificent little spirit, but I didn't want to hear Paula make up excuses to say no. She has a million at her disposal; but none that honestly matter enough to keep me from holding her for five minutes or even ONE. It hurts, it hurts... And I'll never tell Paula, but Risa is far more like me than like her -- this baby is such a kindred spirit with me. I understand her, even at four days old. I can't see auras -- but hers must be a beautiful flickering rich red. I understand Paula's greediness, but it saps my spirit, all the same. I get that tearing feeling, where you feel like ripping your body open to match your soul -- oh.

And while I was there, Jessie came over. June (Paula's mom) and Jessie and I were sitting around Paula and Risa, just talking. There was a lull in the conversation, and June said something in Spanish (which they all speak, being Panamanian). When Paula began to translate for my sake, June said, "No, no, no, no -- that was just for Jessie." She laughed and smiled at Jessie, who looked a little uncomfortable (she's a gentle person). A few minutes later the conversation went on. I reined my feelings in tightly, 'cause I felt like crying but fvck if I'd let June (or Paula, who would defend her) see. I can't help it that my skin's not dark, I don't speak Spanish, and I wasn't born in their culture. She very effectively walled me out with that action; it would have been more honest to say, "Get the fvck out of here, you don't belong and you're not welcome." I don't know if this little situation translates as prejudice for the rest of you -- but it sliced through my heart. I love June, I'd sacrifice for her -- but she has a grudge against me, while Jessie, who has done far less for Paula and happens to be a black Panamanian, can do no wrong. It felt like prejudice, and if that is what minorities feel, my heart bleeds more for them. I hate all prejudice, all "us and them" mentalities; but when it's someone that you thought cared about you, it feels like... how do you express it? You suddenly realize that even if they care, it's weak caring -- they'd trade you for a stranger of their own kind at any opportunity. It's betrayal, and fighting would do no good. There's no way to express it! It makes me feel defeated and thrown away, like my spirit isn't enough to redeem my skin and my mind. Doesn't it matter at all that I love your skin and your culture and want to learn your language? My heart was yours for the plucking and you plucked it all right -- took a bite and dropped it, 'cause it wasn't the taste you were used to.

I don't feel that Paula is the same way -- but she didn't stand up for me, not even to look bothered by what her mom did. And she had to feel my hurt! Jessie felt it and she doesn't know me! (And in the back of my mind, it bothers me that when Paula and I were talking about my kids-to-be, she said she hoped they had Ben's skin -- he's part Seminole. ...even though I also like Ben's skin better, I don't want to be told that mine is ugly.)


At least I know that Spencer and Gabe trust me. They both share their hearts with me, and they accept me, pale skin, white culture, and all. If Spencer has any prejudice against me, it's that I'm not into sports (he's a coach). ;-)