These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Lilylight (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to Nimajneb and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Lilylight proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Lilylight told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Lilylight and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Lilylight understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Lilylight's ex, my former friend) contacted Lilylight again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does Nimajneb, my partner, think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Lilylight, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Lilylight is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Lily is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Friday I spent the day with SabR -- so much fun! We went shopping in downtown Athens and I looked at a lot of glass art, but the really lovely pieces were just too expensive and the decently priced stuff was nice but not in any of my colors. :-p So at the Native American store I picked up a green jasper egg (which had an amazing forest energy) and an opalite star for my altar, and a small thing for one of my Aquarian friends' birthday. ;-)

The strangest thing happened there -- Ashley just happened to come into the shop at the same time that we were there! For those of you who haven't been on my flist long, Ashley and SabR have negative history and pretty much hate each other. When Ashley called me over, I made awkward conversation with her (the tension between them was palpable) and then told her that I was there with SabR, which ended the conversation. I've never experienced that before and I would not care to experience it again! And it makes me wish humans were a little less civilized because I would much prefer open fighting to polite hatred. I'm not the sort of person who tries to break up a fight between adults (or equally matched children) because while it may not be the best way to resolve conflict, it's better than the alternative, in my mind. The police might not agree, heh.

Anyway, after that was over we went to see The Tree That Owns Itself (which is actually the scion of the original tree) and were disappointed at how young it was. (but I want to go back and see it again in the summer) The Magnolia across the street was HUGE and amazing, so we took more photos of that.

SabR took me to one of her favorite Mexican restaurants, which I liked (to my surprise, as I am very picky) and then we went back to her place and watched Prince of Egypt (which she had never seen! wtf!) and Knocked Up, which wasn't as bad as I had expected from everything people had said. ( ranting about the movie ) Oh, and Paul Rudd was BRILLIANT in that film. He's one of the handful of actors I wish I could meet.



( photos of SabR, me, trees, and Athens )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

Life has been stressssss-FUL lately. Mainly financial stuff... Ben and I were counting on him being promoted into management now, and it didn't happen. Two less-qualified people were promoted over him, a black man and a white woman, and he feels sure it was because of political reasons (race/sex quotas). (He knows the two people: their history, temperament, and qualifications) He spoke with his manager and his manager gave the impression that he agreed. Ben was pretty irritated about it... but I feel that sometimes injustice is the only way to make up for injustice. I would probably be more upset if it was ME who got left behind, because I'd feel hurt that my managers didn't make it happen for me, but as it is, I'm okay with it. I am definitely feeling the pinch of this, and it's not right -- but I feel it is necessary. This one time, those two people may have been favored, but usually, they will have to deal with a hell of a lot more oppression and discrimination than Ben (and myself, as his dependent) will. It shouldn't have happened, especially not to Ben because he was absolutely the best person for the position, but if it tips the scales a little bit more toward equality, I think it's a necessary wrong. Dunno how long my stance on that would hold if it happened over and over though, heh.

I am upset over not having money though. I have a veryvery late birthday present for 'Kenzie that has been sitting here and I haven't had the money to send it off, and then Hannah, Kate, Meliae's birthdays went by and I couldn't get anything :-( And then there is the stress of bills hanging over our heads, and the car desperately needs repair... and I need to spend time with Hannah, not want, NEED. I'm not willing to go back to Wal-Mart, and with sharing one car that we can't drive any more than absolutely necessary, getting a job elsewhere is not realistic. We're hoping that Ben gets this other position that just opened up, but he hasn't been interviewed yet so that is up in the air. He said he'd enjoy that one a lot more than the other so we're reeeeeeeeeeally hoping... otherwise we have to scrape by until April when the next management opening comes up. So please pray or send positive energy his way about that, it would make our lives so incredibly much better.

The financial stuff has the effect of leaving me housebound, which is a rather depressing thing for me, especially since I REALLY want to spend time with SabR and Kazi... but I've had positivity come into my life in the form of my friends. Last week my monitor turned very greenish (thank you Murphy), and I told Kazi about it, who told Brian, who drove allllll the way over to give me his extra monitor AND look at my car. I was so happy that he went out of his way for me like that. AND I got my birthday present from Kate!!! I will save describing it for when I have photos but lemme tell you, I am just THRILLED!!!

( ashley/lily stuff )

ugh. Yesterday I had a looooooooooooooong talk with SabR and Kazi. First we discussed the recent 'drama': ( cut for irrelevance ) and then we moved on to sacred topics, talking of spiritual things, and after much reassurance, much encouragement, I opened up about something I'd never told anyone (except Hannah) before. It broke something loose in me, and I've been dealing with a FLOOD of emotion since, mostly depression and pain. I don't understand it, haven't found the root of it, but OH my heart aches. If I start thinking about it I weep. What I don't get is that when I talked to Hannah about it I didn't have this reaction, maybe because my heart wasn't ready to really open the door yet? Whatever it is, it's made me WAY FUCKING DEPRESSED all morning, and I finally sent Kazi and SabR an email about it because they had seen I was hurt afterwards and were worried that it was their fault. I sobbed through the whole email and had to keep blinking hard in order to see the screen, but I think it helped. Then SabR IMed me and was so understanding, and I feel much stronger now. Still very fragile though. It's going to take more processing before I can share it here, but I definitely plan to.

And my girls TOTALLY lifted my spirits by adding pro-belenen to their interests lists!!! LOL!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! and I totally have it because I'm very pro-me, muahahaha!

processing more of my feelings from the breakup with Ashley... I've moved into the final step: assessing what I've learned.

Our relationship was a mentor/mentee relationship for a very long time, which was fine, since I was conscious of the fact that in that sort of relationship, I could not expect anything from her, or ask for anything. During that time, the only thing I got from the relationship was the joy of watching her start to stand on her own two feet. And that was enough -- I knew how it felt to transition alone, and I knew how much guidance would have meant to me when I was first learning to be myself, so I gave to her as a sort of gift back to God/dess for helping me with my own metamorphosis.

(And it's hard to explain what exactly I'm talking about with this 'transition' -- basically, a transition from letting life happen to you, to happening to life. It doesn't fit in linear terms well... the practical part of it was helping her break free of a very abusive relationship with a guy she had planned to marry.)

The problem came in because I had never done this before, and so I didn't really put a lot of thought into WHY she would want to change (beyond breaking up with the guy). I just assumed that she had the same reason as me -- a deep desire to grow and develop for its own sake. I think she did have that desire to some extent, but I think her main purpose was to become what she thought of as a 'better person.' I think she had me on a pedestal, and felt that in order to become this 'better person' she needed to imitate me in every way. I thought she wanted to grow for the purpose of growth itself, but now I think that she wanted to grow because then others would admire her the way she admired me. And I think that while admiring me, she also thought I was 'better' than her, and she resented me for making her feel inferior, even though that was NEVER my feeling or intention. (I believe all humans have infinite worth, and how can one infinity be more than another?) My initial reaction is to want to beat myself up for not seeing this earlier, but that would do no one any good -- and I did start to see it nearing the end, and confronted her about it several times, as gently as I could.

Also, nearing the end, I saw how far she had come and how much she had grown (and I still say it's a lot, even though it's not the same as I initially thought) and I wanted to become real friends with her, move out of mentor/mentee into a more equal relationship. I think that was when she began feeling uncomfortable with the relationship, even though she said it was what she wanted more than anything else in the world. I don't think she was ready for an equal friendship; it panicked her that I was inviting her up onto my 'pedestal.' She didn't want to lose that sense of having someone to turn to for answers that were 'greater' than what she herself could find. I think that when the moment finally came that I needed her to support me, she freaked out because it was a reversal of the roles she was comfortable with.

I now realize that with a mentor/mentee relationship, you can't go straight into an equal friendship, there has to be some distance first, a clear marking of the end of one. The mentee has to come out of the viewpoint of learning from this other person, and be at the point where s/he values her/his own opinions as much as the opinions of her/his former mentor, and that takes some time and distance. Obviously we should keep learning from our friends, but it's a different kind of learning.

This hasn't put me off of mentor/mentee relationships but it has taught me that I will go into the relationship with the expectation that we will NEVER have an equal friendship, and then I won't start hoping for something that can't happen until after the relationship dies. That means a certain amount of distance, but I think still enough room to just have fun. I will also be sure that the person wants guidance to find answers for themselves, not just the answers.

So what I've gained: I'm better able to see when a person wants growth for itself or for other reasons; I understand more how to be a responsible mentor; I learned that when mentoring, I need to be careful to stress breaking from ANY ideal, rather than forming a new one; I learned more how to give without desiring return (because for the majority of it I didn't even desire return) which will benefit all of my relationships; I helped a person get out of an abusive relationship, which benefits the whole world; I learned again that being honest will sometimes cause short-term devastation but after the dust settles I will be far better off. And I learned that my friends love me for ME, and that I am not replaceable or duplicatable, and that I can trust them to be truly honest with me. And as a side effect, I gave up my fixation on having a close-by friend, and poured more energy into the wonderful people who are already in my life (even if I can't hug them every week), and it's been incredible how those relationships have grown.

look closely at my icon -- you can see the shed skin of the dragonfly, and since she is now winged, that is the last metamorphosis: she is a full adult ♥

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

The end of my relationship with Ashley was painful, horrible, for sure, but the more I heal, the more I realize that for some reason, it was necessary. I'm going through a new metamorphosis, shedding all old ways for new ones.

I think that while I was still friends with her, I had a reluctance to invest in most of my other friends because I was so intent on having friends I could see, touch, spend time with. Friends that I could talk with without getting frustrated at some point in every conversation because I can't be with them. So I poured most of my energy into my relationship with Ashley, and the people at work. But then Ashley quit me and I quit work, and now I have all this energy! I just feel so FREE! Not because of the breakup -- that was just the spark to dry, dry tinder. I've lost the fear! (I'm still trying to figure out why the breakup would be a catalyst to losing fear)

For instance, after my first 'coming out' experience with an ex-friend last january (very disappointing), I've been afraid to express my beliefs and feelings about sexuality because, well, I was afraid of being rejected by the queers on my flist. I was afraid my beliefs would be seen as a cop-out, riding the fence -- people always say bisexuals just haven't made up their minds. And some say, if you haven't tried it how can you know? but I know what I feel and I know what I believe. And it's like all my fear just dropped away, and all my thoughts just clicked into perfect place and I sat down and wrote out the entry I've been writing over and over in my head for months. And just posted it, no worry, no second-guessing.

Also, for a long time, I'd been afraid of reaching out. Not because I feared rejection but because I didn't want to have people depend on me and then end up disappointing them. I felt like I had to be everything they wanted, whatever that was. For some reason, I've lost that fear; I've given myself permission to be human, to have connections and be myself instead of 'Dependable Girl.' I think I learned over again that the best I can do isn't enough to carry any relationship -- it's half the other person's responsibility. And that freed me to give 50% instead of trying to carry all relationships on my own. and hey, 50% is FUN! it's when it's 90% that it's a burden.

So I've been actually stepping out, commenting, emailing -- and even talking to people on IM and the phone!!! This is huge for me because I developed a phobia of IMing when I used my old sn and my (abusive, passive aggressive) biofather would IM me EVERY SINGLE TIME I got online, to lecture me because that's the only way he knows to 'communicate' with me. And I had other friends who would IM me to chit-chat -- while I love conversation, I dislike small talk. But now I have the graks to say that I don't feel like talking, or that I want to get offline. And I can trust that they understand that I love them and enjoy talking to them, but I'm not always in the mood. And the phone! honestly, I gotta give kit-kat credit for that, she broke me out of my shell by reaching out first. And once I talked with her and found it SO easy, I felt much more free about calling others. Mind you, I've only called 2 people, but the point is I feel FREE to.

fearless less less!!! I have no fear! I am free! this feels so good! I have no regrets, I feel like I am stronger, bolder, freer every day. I have so many awesome friends I can build relationships with -- what does it matter if they aren't here? I have Ben, Kanika, and soon kittens to cuddle, I'll be fine fanfuckingtastic!!! ♥

I don't really want to post about this because it still gets me so upset, but I need to get it out so I can really move on.

I do not believe in talking about someone behind his/her back; I consider that very disrespectful. Everything I have written about Ashley and everything I will write, I have ALREADY TOLD HER FIRST and usually discussed it multiple times. If I have an issue with someone, I keep it to myself until I discuss it with the primary person. After that, I feel free to discuss it with whomever I want, because it is part of my life and as such the story belongs to me. Usually at that point I have worked out the issue and I include the reconciliation in my telling of the story.

so why not make this public, if I'm not ashamed of what I have to say? because I am feeling too vulnerable and some of our mutual friends have proven to be judgmental against me on this. I do not want them to be able to comment, and I don't want to disable comments because I want to hear whatever you have to say, so I have chosen to filter them out. (((EDIT: I have now made this public because I doubt that any of those friends are going to look this up. Nothing else about this post has been changed, except that I have screened all the comments since they were originally made in confidence, and have set further comments to be screened.)))

( my feelings about how she's treated me; responses to her accusations; the falseness of her claim that she still wanted a relationship; how we were discussing a deeper friendship before all this )

This is the main thing I wanted to express... Basically, Ashley imitates me. If I say I like something, she likes it too; if I love a person she 'loves them' too (she has 30-something mutual friends with me). We are nothing alike, not in spirit or personality or mind, yet she somehow shares all my passions. She quotes me without acknowledging that it was initially my idea. She plagiarizes my personality. For instance, before me, she had no interest in gypsies -- now she's all about them, despite the fact that the gypsy lifestyle doesn't suit her personality at all. She loves security, roots, comfort -- which is the opposite of the gypsy spirit. She has never been fond of purple -- but because I adore it with a passion she does too. I talked to her about my spirituality, how I believe we were with God/dess before coming here -- and she posted about it, without even mentioning that she had gotten the idea from me. ( etc. ) Every time I would mention a friend to her, mention how awesome so-n-so was, she'd show them special attention. I told her that I was so glad that Kate and Hannah were starting to be friends, and she just kinda nodded -- and then posted a comment to Kate the next day saying that very thing! I have a deep passion for people, for understanding them, and I fall in love -- real, deep, passionate love -- and express that, often in superlatives. I'm sure to some it seems fake, but I have a gift of seeing people's spirits, their true selves underneath it all, and when you can see a person as they are at core you can't help but truly love them. She imitated this by being super-affectionate to whomever I was affectionate to or whomever I went on "oh-my-gosh-name-is-so-wonderful" rants about. She would say things that I had said to her about them. This is the thing that bothers me the most because it is such a HUGE part of my life and it's so sacred to me and I feel like she's cheapening it with her imitations. I posted about having had plans with Kristen and later that same day she spent time with her, despite having told me not long ago that she was bothered by Kristen's new life 'principles' and didn't want to be around her.

I am sure that some of that is natural -- friends blend. And I think it was mostly subconscious because she doesn't believe that her own thoughts/opinions/beliefs/actions are good enough. This is not something I am angry about, just something that really bothers me. But it got to the point where I didn't want to tell her anything because she would imitate it, and she usually beat me in posting about it, like with the spirituality thing and the kate-hannah-friendship comment. So then I would feel like people would assume I was imitating HER! and I don't want to express my love for certain people publicly because then I feel she will go after them. Obviously she has broken away from me, so maybe she'll stop. I plan to get over it, either way, and continue being me because no one can be me as well as I can; I know that cerebrally. but then there is the fear -- maybe people like bel-flavored ashley more than Bel herself.

For someone as fiercely individualistic as me, this is especially horrid. I have always loved being me, but now I have this conflicting desire to NOT be me so she can't imitate me.

well, she unfriended me, so I suppose it's over. I would make a whole long post, but the power supply of our computer blew night before last so I'm on a library computer right now and don't have time. So.

and believe me, you guys who have said you want old Bel back, the happy healthy one, ME TOO. And I'm going to get her but it may yet take some time, and there is some messy stuff I have to work through first. (I think I'll start putting all this ashley stuff under lj-cuts though) Thank you for being there for me. ♥ Much love to everyone who showed me support, you've no idea how much it means.

I don't remember the order these were in...

I was in a strange steel & glass building, and I was naked (which is normal for me so might not have the usual connotation). I was upset about something, staring outside into the dark (it was night). Ashley saw me, came up behind me and grabbed me, one hand on my side and the other on my breast, and started rubbing and squeezing me. I was freaked out and yelped, "what are you doing? Stop that!" but she said, "No, you need comfort so I am going to do this" and I said, "That doesn't help, stop!" but she would not listen -- she seemed angry and held on to me despite my frantic tries to get away. She said something like, "Since this is the way you want it, this is the way you're going to get it." Finally we were locked at a standstill where she couldn't rub me but I couldn't get away, and Mike (Ashley's boyfriend (I think)) came up to us. He reached out and ran his hand over my hair, and we were both shocked, Ashley let go and stepped back, and I just looked at him, completely astonished by his compassion and tenderness. Then he ran his hand over my hair again and I grabbed the front of his shirt with my hands and buried my face in his chest and cried so hard I woke myself up.

another scene... I was in the woods with some girl, slim but not resembling anyone I know, and we were in danger, we were escaping something. She fell into a hole and landed on a ledge not too far below the forest floor, but next to her the hole got hundreds of miles deep. So I tried to carefully get myself to where I could reach her without falling in or having us both fall. When I finally grabbed her hand I realized she had been in quicksand and it had sucked half of her down, and she hadn't said anything, maybe because she thought it would unnerve me and make me fall. But I was able to pull her out, and pull us both back up to the forest floor.

In the last one I was with Ben's family & we were all outside around a campfire at night, far away from civilization. Dana was there also, but other than that it was just the family... as I watched them interact and set up, I thought to myself that they would never be good nomads because they wouldn't be able to fit more than 2 to 3 hours of travel in per day, with the way that they linger. (there were wagons and horses, I think this was supposedly back in time) I don't really know what that meant. I ended up having conversation with Rebecca and Dana, and Dana showed Rebecca some of her tools (she was a fortuneteller of some sort). I expected Rebecca to react with shock and horror but she reacted with interest, poring through them and playing with them. One was a tube of some kind of magical tea or something, and I poured it into hot water and drank it, tiny bits at a time. The rest of the dream is fuzzy, but I remember preparing tea for a lot of people, using normal-sized mugs to teeny mugs, and being so disappointed that no one bothered with the teeny mugs, they wanted the large ones instead.

(I'll probably keep screening comments on all posts that mention ashley or lily until the matter is resolved.)

aurilion hasn't responded to my email (says she's too busy with exams to process) and alariya hasn't responded to the last few texts I have sent her. I feel like I am hanging in midair, directionless... This is very upsetting. Especially Ashley ignoring my texts, because she doesn't have anything that I know of that would keep her from responding. I wish I just knew how they felt and what they want. Maybe it's situational, for aurilion at least, but whatever it is, it's not fair to me to be ignored. If you want my friendship, at least say that. if you don't, at least say THAT! They're spending so much time with each other -- obviously they HAVE the time to tell me what they want, they just choose not to. Everything else is more important.

made a similar post last night but felt that I'd be attacked, so deleted it. At this point, if they want to attack me, I say let them. It's better than waiting endlessly for a response. (comments are screened)

This was friends-locked, but I changed my mind.

So, aurilion came down. And all kinds of wonderful things happened at first, but I can't write about them right now. Despite all the wonderfulness of spending time with her, I was dealing with a lot of shit already. My parents are terrible and my sister is suffering, and I NEED to do something but have no idea what!; my cat ran away and it's winter and she has no idea how to handle the outdoors; I haven't been able to get in contact with Hannah for a week; Ben hurt me really badly the other day and even though he's been wonderful since, I'm still recovering; and then Saturday I went to visit my old house and show aurilion the trees, and one of my trees was dead. You would have to understand my connection with trees to get how much that hurt -- I felt like I'd gone to see an old friend at her house, anticipating a wonderful time, and found her skeleton sitting in a chair.

( and then I broke )

and I quit my job yesterday. I almost deleted my journal -- I still might. I just don't have the strength for anything.

I can't remember ever having so many deeply painful things happen in so short a time. All I can say is please pray for me or send positive energy or think kindly toward me. I'm falling apart.

Last night I had a long chat with aurilion (a very close friend of alariya's and casual friend of mine) . She's coming down to visit tomorrow, and she and Alariya are both thrilled. I'm looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time. I feel like I have to hold leafwhimsy at a distance because she's Alariya's friend, mainly, and I don't want to put myself in where I'm not wanted, for one, and I don't want to fall in love with leafwhimsy either because then I suspect I'd get jealous of them both, and it's bad enough as it is. I've known that Alariya's given a lot of her heart to leafwhimsy, and up 'til now I've dealt with that by just not thinking about it, but now it's impossible. I'm greedy because Alariya's really the only physically & emotionally close friend I have right now, the only one on the same wavelength AND in the same geographic area. I don't want to share. And obviously I know that this is not a healthy attitude but I sure as hell don't pretend to be perfect. And my heart doesn't listen to reason. All I can think about is that I am so lonely for true companionship, and (except Alariya of course) all of the friends whom I could have that with live miles and miles away. The two I miss the most live an OCEAN away.

These feelings are so dirty and messy and petty. I'm a greedy little girl whining because she can't have a lollipop. That's how I feel anyway. or maybe I'm a broken little girl crying because she's starving. I'm not sure which is the true picture. and how can I hurt so much when I have such unbelievably wonderful people in my life?

There are ways that aurilion and I overlap that I have never found in anyone else, which would thrill me in any other situation but in this one they just make me sad.

And I'm sure that part of my reaction is because Ben and I had a 'fight' I guess you could call it. I was hurting because I felt like our relationship was hopeless, and I said something about him not loving me and just doing nice things out of guilt, and he got angry that I would question his motives and left me alone in the bedroom. I cried and cried... he started to watch a movie in the other room and then about 10 minutes later he came in and talked to me for a long time. I was very upset that he left me when he knew I was hurting enough to cry (which I rarely do, for myself, though I cry easily at movies, books, etc.) We finally got to the point where I'd forgiven him enough to let him hug me, but my feelings aren't gone. I still don't understand why we're together. It seems like neither of us feels especially affectionate toward the other. I love and admire him -- I could list a million reasons why he's wonderful -- but I don't get anything out of the relationship, and he said the other day that he didn't either. Last night he said that wasn't true and he DID get a lot out of it, that he had had a wrong mindset and now he doesn't feel that way but I have a hard time believing him. Lately it's been happening that he'll do something wonderful and then later that same day he'll do something that cuts me to the quick. And I know he's stressed out, but there are some things that I believe one should never allow oneself to do no matter what the circumstance. It should not be in your mental list of options. Such as ignoring a person because they made you mad -- even if they did something wrong, they are still a person and should not be treated as if they don't exist. If someone asks a question and you don't want to answer it you can just say, "I don't want to answer," and then you are still respecting their existence.

He said he doesn't see things the way he used to and he's changing. He said he gets positivity out of the relationship and he will make sure I do too. I don't have the strength to just believe in that. I'll try to keep myself open to the possibility but I can't bring myself to accept it as fact.

This feels very strange. Up 'til now I've never really posted about issues between Ben and me, partly because while they're at the worst I don't have the energy and when they're over they seem obsolete, and partly because Ben used to be a very private person and didn't want me to post anything negative for fear that my friends would hate him. But he has told me repeatedly that he doesn't have a problem with it at all anymore so I'm taking him at his word.