I miss:

-- the girl who glowed with such a sweetness that she made my fierceness feel like it had a purpose, protecting her.

-- the girl who listened to my every hurt and loved me unconditionally. Who hugged me even though she hated touching or being touched, because she knew I needed it. Who shared sacred parts of herself, and taught me so much in the process. Who taught me that God/dess is not a bundle of rules, but a person, a being made of love.

-- the girl who inspired me with her intensity, who celebrated her strangeness. Who filled my life with light just by being herself. Who intimidated me with her brilliance, and coaxed me out of my fear of self-expression by finding the brilliance in me. Who shared my excitement over my creations, no matter how undeveloped or unskilled. (night before last I dreamed that she came to me and said she wanted to be friends again ♥)

-- the family who taught me what family is, who accepted and loved me for who I was, right at that moment. Who encouraged me in selling my jewelry, believing in me and even offering help. Who understood that I had been taught lies and lovingly guided me out of my subconscious prejudice, without judging me.

-- the girl who showed me that I was not alone in the way I sense trees, who unintentionally validated something so important to me.

-- the group who let me see a created family, dissimilar people who banded together to create their own culture, rooted in love. Who accepted me as I am, and didn't make me feel like an outsider despite the lack of history I had with them (quite a feat!).

-- the girl who made me feel connected, loved in a way I had never been.

...Missing You by Jem...
I'll always be thankful for the time we had
We were blessed, I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories just make me fall apart

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

I've been thinking a lot about friendships... Allison and Rebecca and Kaylene and Ashley and Anika and Hannah and Kate and Aubrey... all running through my head. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to process... I'm feeling like giving up on some people (though I really don't think I am capable of that) -- not you who are currently part of my life, but...

Kaylene, whom I just... I don't know. She emailed me the day that Anika arrived on her visit, so I didn't really have a chance to think about it. She told me the very basic facts of her life now -- and she has obviously come so far! -- and I am happy for her, but my insecurity kicks in and says, "she doesn't want to rebuild anything, you never meant as much to her as she did to you, you were stupid to love her so much." And the other part of me says "love is never a waste, and the time you had with her is sacred and can never be taken away, and if you really want to reconnect, why the FUCK haven't you emailed her back?" And my other OTHER self, the one that makes decisions, is confused and says nothing.

Rebecca. My best friend for five years, my whole world, the one I would have suffered ANYTHING for, the one who I poured my soul into and trusted completely, the one who I thought I would be soul-bonded with forever... we never talk. She hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid yet, and I don't think she is going to. I totally understand that, since we aren't close or even friends really, but I thought that if she ever got married (which she insisted she wouldn't) I'd be her maid of honor (though even then I wondered if she'd choose elya over me). It hurts to be left out, even at this point. Especially since I asked her to be mine, purely out of honor for the friendship that we used to have (we weren't any closer 2 years ago than we are now, probably less, actually). I don't know what I want with her... I don't even know who she is now. For no good reason, I feel betrayed and hurt. And yes, it does bother me that (from what I have heard) she suggested that I stay with Ashley on Rebecca's wedding day (because for a while they planned on the same day, until Ashley moved hers). I suppose I don't really deserve to be treated any differently, but it still bothers me. I'm so disposable.

Allison is busybusybusy... I understand that she has to concentrate on organizing her life and plans for the future, but knowing that doesn't make me any less lonely... Anika is busybusybusy too, with school and husband and rebuilding self... Ashley's busy, Kate doesn't have internet, Aubrey's busy, Hannah lives an ocean away and is usually busy but made time for me this week ♥ ♥ ♥ thank you lovely ♥... There are so many wonderful people in my life but no one has time to invest in me. I take that back -- some of you DO invest in me and I love you so much for it, but I want more, I want conversations and (if physically possible) cuddles and outings. I'm so lonely.

I have been investing a LOT in Ben this week... I'd list it but then I'd feel stupid because it wouldn't look like a lot, but it WAS because it was stuff that I don't really like to do that means a lot to him. But he wants me to be excited about him, and I just can't, when he's all stressed and thus distant and scary-irritable. And I'm afraid that he's going to be all upset that I wrote that in here but I'm so tired of keeping it all to myself. Sometimes he's not perfect, dammit, and I ought to be able to admit that. He does try, and that is the important thing, but it doesn't always make me feel better. And I need more. I need understanding and sweet touches and I need him not to dump his worries on me. Share? yes; dump? no. There is a difference. And he says that one of his favorite things about me is that I don't go telling others about his mistakes, but I'm tired tired tired of that! I hate keeping secrets and it's either talk about only the strife that's my fault or don't talk about it at all and I'm tired of listing my faults and I'm tired of keeping silent about the thing that my life revolves around. And this is starting to get stream-of-consciousness and run-on so I should stop now before I write a million more words.

This is my Christmas thank-you post. ♥ I have SO. MANY. beautiful people in my life. I am the most blessed person ever, really. I need to look at my blessings more often because DAYUM!

Oh how much I love you. If I could bottle my love it would easily replace electricity all over the world for a day. When I really think about it, I get filled with so much energy that it makes me want to SCREAM! just to let it out. I need more outlets for my love, really. You all live too damn far away for me to be able to pour into your lives. I think maybe I should start visiting the local nursing home... My family always did that at Christmas time, and I totally forgot this year. That was probably my favorite thing about my family... and the last time I did it I felt God so close. And now I am actually confident enough to believe that they really would want me to visit, which means that I could even do it without the excuse of Christmas. hmm.

I have no idea of the order that these arrived in, so I'm going to go randomly through them:
Thank you wallbrat and 12thknight for the paidaccount gifts!
Thank you darling boobiequeen for the photo that I've been wanting for over a year! It's on my wall, and you can see proof in the photos further down in this post. ;-)
aubkabob, dahling, thank you ever so for the card, it made me giggle in true Aubka fashion. ;-D
camilleyun, you are so incredibly utterly kind, I loooooved getting your PURPLE christmas card with such sweet words. Thank you thank you -- I am so glad I get to know you better.
eternitywaiting, OMFG yo, you are AMAZINK! I was worried when I got the package, because I suspected it was jewelry and I don't usually like to get jewelry as presents 'cause I am teh jewelry snob artist -- but I should have known. eeeeeeeee PURPLE eeeeeeeeeeeeee DRAGONFLY!!!!! You wonderful wonderful lovely darling! And I loved it already, but then I realized that the shards in the wings are DICHROIC GLASS. Dichroic glass is to Bel what candy is to a 3-year-old -- !!! Thank you! *many kisses*
( photos of the necklace/earrings )
valynn!!! You just stunned me with your generosity and especially with including Ben! He was feeling left out with all of my friends sending me stuff while he got no mail, and your lovely thoughtful gift card really made him happy. ThankyouX80million!!!
darkpool, wow. You made me feel SO LOVED!!!!! Everything was so perfect and so suited me! I love the bottles, they went straight into my sanctuary, along with the candle holders. And the book will DEFINITELY come in handy, yay! and the note that came along with it just made everything 10 times as meaningful. I love that you got me the bookmark because you relate me with vibrancy. ♥ You blew me away. AND THE GYPSY KEYRING!!! wow. I think you hit just about every love of mine. ♥
( a photo of darkpool's presents )
maladroitkat, do you know how many times I picked up that book and almost bought it? At least four times! I suppose it was meant to be a gift from you to me, and I love it, thank you thank you! And the second book, OMG, gypsies AND egypt AND a deep theme???? I SO can't WAIT to read it!!! thank you!!!
( a photo of m-kat's presents )
alariya, darling, do you know how much I love you for giving to me when you are struggling so much? The act of giving meant even more to me than the awesome CD. (which would NOT photograph, mlurg)
lilerthkwake, thank you for the Christmas card, you're such a sweetheart! Did you make it? it's pretty. ;-)
ohsaycanyousay, thank you for the card -- you are amazing, I so appreciate you going to the trouble for me when your own life is tumultuous.
invisibleglue, I love the pendant! I don't know why, really -- it just reminds me of something a fae or dryad would wear. I love it, I doooo, thank you sweetheart! (that's what inspired the 'what charm would you be' poll -- I was thinking of making an lj-friend necklace) And I was so delighted by the tiny bow and darling wrapping! such an adorable thing, I actually saved the part of the wrapping with the mini-bow and mini-card, because it was just too damn cute to throw away.
( a photo of the pendant )
aslan_fan, I adore that keyring! "I am a nut" -- Dr. Talkavich quotes are forever golden. ;-D and I still haven't tried the tea, but I am so looking forward to it! And more than anything, decorating the apartment with frenetik was just such a sweet gift, and it really meant a lot to me.
( photos of elya's and Ben's family's gifts )
frenetik, dunno why I'm referring to your journal when you probably won't read this, but nevertheless, thank you, my love. You AMAZED me with how perfect your gifts were! Limited edition purple duct tape! and purple glass, and cinnamon candles, and purple paint, and the scents from BPAL. but most of all, my warrior faery. ♥ You are the BEST HUSBAND EVER, all the time and not just right now, and I treasure you.
( photos of Ben's presents, including the delightfully detailed fae )
and Rebecca, I know you won't read this, but I love you for thinking of me and choosing such perfect gifts. I am sure I'm going to frame the purple & green dragonfly photo, it's just incredibly beautiful and incredibly me. And I suspect that you put coins in the machine until you got the dragonfly tattoo, and I think that's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.
( a photo of rebecca's presents )
AND Ben's parents got us a fancy-fancy toaster oven, which will probably save us a ton on energy since we won't have to use the oven for everything. So very wonderful!
( and last but not least, my rearranged living room with the decorations that elya and Ben put up! )
( one last photo -- my updated postcard wall! )

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You look sooooooooooo sexy in the orange wig! You should totally grow your hair to that length and wear it like that.

( Lately I have been reaching out so much! )

( Yvonne )

And I invited Brie (also from work) to go to bellydancing with me. That's a huge step because I'm rather private about my dancing, I hate to dance in front of people, yet I was comfortable inviting her -- and before, I was way too afraid of 'intruding' on people to actually invite them to anything. I'd think that they'd be thinking, "Ugh, who'd want to do anything with her? She's so dull/dumb/quiet!" Now, I never think that. I actually consider myself a person who is fun/interesting/worthwhile to be with. Even to Brie, who is one of those people who obviously doesn't care what anyone thinks -- she's strong and fierce and funny, and I don't consider her out of my league.

And Dani, she is such an AWESOME person. She always wears non-matching earrings (all four holes), which tells you a lot, I think! And she has this intricately pretty criss-cross scar next to her mouth, which I would compliment her on but I don't know her well enough to know if she'd take it well. I'm like Angelina in that I find scars attractive. She's crazy and relaxed and her spirit is so open. Back in the day, I'd have heroine-worshipped her from afar but never dared to even talk to her, much less show her how much I admire her! But the new me, Krista, I asked her out! And she made me feel awkward by pretending to think I was hitting on her, but I got over that really quickly, and even joked back. We're supposed to go to the local coffeehouse on Friday. And I'm totally okay with being honest about how much I like her! I was openly happy when we got assigned next-door registers, and she was too. I used to be careful to hide my admiration/like for someone unless they showed that they liked me first -- a fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, I suppose. But no longer!

( Aubrey )

( Ingrid )

You'd think that dropping in on alariya would be easy for me, but it wasn't. I had such a perfectionist view of relationships -- if I couldn't do it perfectly, I didn't want to do it at all. But something changed in me recently, and I've come to the conclusion that all interactions are valuable, even the 'inconsequential' ones, like just saying hi, or spending an hour with someone just casually connecting. I've come to believe that my investments in people are never a waste, even if there's no noticable change in relationship.

With Cynthia, I know I wouldn't have had the guts to ask her why she seemed down, about a week ago, and she'd never have told me about her worries and the fact that she is in need of a car. And even though I felt dumb just saying that I'd pray for her, it seemed to be important to her because today she asked if I was still praying. And before, I'd never have had the confidence to tell her that anytime that our schedules ended at the same time, I'd give her a ride. I'd have worried that she'd judge my driving or my car, or think that I was being condescending to offer. But now, I offered without a second thought, and she gratefully accepted, and even though I did feel a bit embarrassed by the mess on the floor, I was able to dismiss it and be comfortable.

I dreamed about aubkabob last night. I don't remember most of it, but I very distinctly remember the emotional mood of the dream. She had come to visit, and the part I remember was when she was leaving, and we were hugging goodbye. I was feeling warmly loved and affectionate because we had had such sisterlybonding fun (I think she had stayed for three days), and I just felt utterly at ease with her, restful even. It was my favorite kind of weather -- sunny and rainy. It had just finished raining as we went out to her car, and droplets from the trees were falling on us as the branches waved in the breeze and cast rippling leafy shadows on us. It was beautiful, serene, a perfect moment.

So now I've met you, Aubrey! Too bad you haven't met me yet. I feel so much closer to you now, and I feel like I understand you better. My dreams have that power.

So far, I've dreamed of these LJ friends:
aubkabob
evileve
scourge
maladroitkat, phrankenstyne, kevloid2006 (all the same dream)

Have any of you dreamed of me?


P.S. we let our phone service lapse for the time being, so you won't be able to call me until we pay again, which probably won't be until after the 26th. :-(

Happy Birthday aubkabob!!!
Happy Birthday chapeco!!!

Two of my favorite lj-friends were born on the same day!

aubkabob, you make me laugh out loud all the time with your quirky turn of phrase, and I adore that. Even when you're sad, you manage to find something to laugh at, and it doesn't seem like the phony 'avoiding reality' Chandler-type humor -- you genuinely feel your sorrow but at the same time, feel true amusement. You and I, we're like this *points two fingers back and forth at your eyes, then mine, then yours* You're a person who gives deeply of herself, and I admire that. Keep on being you. ( Oh, and your present is going to be late... )

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chapeco, I've really enjoyed getting to know you over the last two months. I greatly respect openness and honesty, and you dish out a good-sized dollop of both. I enjoy the way you write, how you explain your feelings and thoughts. Mostly, I like reading your journal because I feel that I am getting to know a brave, passionate person. I think we've both inspired each other occasionally, and I hope to develop a solid friendship with you.