The day after Aurilion arrived we drove around a bit, got semi-lost trying to find the recycling place and picked up my lapis lazuli ring from the jewelers (where I was getting it sized). I told zir about its significance and the significance of my other rings (which I have yet to post about ;-p). We were planning on going to laughter yoga but ze felt that would be too much at that moment (it was so intense just being together) so instead we went to dinner at the coffeehouse and then to the park! We saw ducklings! (which I had never seen in real life) I showed zir the twin tree which had comforted me on a day I felt crazy, and ze felt the sweet energy of it. We both gave it kisses ;-) Then we met another tree which was quite amazing and I got zir to pose with it.



( photos! )

Later that evening we watched Playing By Heart, which was an incredible experience because our hearts were so open to each other and I could feel zir reactions so clearly! Also, ze strongly empathized with so many of the characters (who are all dear to my heart) and I saw them with new eyes. I felt like I was seeing it for the first time, only better. That movie means so much to me. ♥ I LOVE seeing it with people when they see it for the first time.

( I have this 'crowd blindness' ) so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.

My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥

Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.

I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.

Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*



Just one photo for now, but ( not to worry, there are many more to come... )

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.

Aurilion arrives in 14 hours! holy fuck! and I haven't slept yet! I wanted to get this posted because I'll have a billion more to share once ze arrives!

These are from April 26th, when Nimajn and I went on a drive so that I could take in all the greeeeeeeeeeeeenery. As ze drove I snapped photos furiously and got positively high from all the delicious greens... I find it so deeply nourishing to gaze at them, and somehow my gaze is intensified through a camera lens. I can't describe exactly what it means to me to see the trees alight with emerald and peridot and a million other verdant jewels... so I'll have to show you my gleeful face. ;-)

this also matches my current mood at the fact that I will SEE AURILION IN 14 HOURS:



( a bunch of me )



( (mostly blurry) greenery )

(  - John Mayer: Clarity -  )

I came across John Mayer's "Clarity" on my last.fm radio and I have been listening to it over and over. It fits my life perfectly at the moment, especially the seemingly unrelated title. Clarity. yes!

It has been nearly six weeks since I began falling in love with Aurilion (Lily, who has grown into zir true name) and Hannah. It's really amazing. I've been experiencing so many deep revelations, and above all, so much clarity! For a while it seemed every single post I made was some monumental exploration and expression, to the point where I got a little overwhelmed by it. Polyamory, gender, spirit-heart-soul-mind-body, deciding to change to gender-neutral pronouns, the story of Aurilion and I and Hannah and I, the stories people carry in them, characters in the story of my life, my tribe -- all in one month! And all of those posts were a big deal for me. I mean, most of what I post about is important to me, but each of these were... pivotal moments (I'm spinning! ;-)). And that's maybe half of what has been really happening within. *deep sigh*

At the beginning there was such a heady rush! So thrilling! and now it is deeper, more intense, so much more REAL, as Aurilion keeps saying. Like a delicious meal when you are very hungry -- the first bite is the most flavorful, but the real enjoyment sets in when the pang in your belly has eased and you slow to savor everything. (for me anyway) I think I fall in love fast and slow... the shields of my heart drop immediately but forming the cords that entwine with other hearts is a slow process. And oh, so lush, like a dance. I enjoy every twist and oh, the blending! *shivers*

I have changed my journal title and subtitle. ( the old title/subtitle ) My new title/subtitle is "Biting the Sun -- only in the burning do I taste that sweetest nectar." This refers to a proverb in my favorite book, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee -- don't bite the sun, Traveler, you will burn your mouth. The unnamed narrator does 'bite at the sun,' stepping out of the bounds of zir society. The subtitle is a reminder to myself that only in crossing boundaries (self- or other- imposed) do I ever experience that which is truly extraordinary. Risk of pain surrounds all that which is sweetest, and to truly embrace those things I must also embrace that risk. this is the year of risk-taking!

When I fall in love with someone, I have always fixated on whether or not they will love me and be there for me forever. This time, I'm beginning something new with two people I have already loved and lost once; I know it is possible that they will cease to be part of my life. But I feel fully aware that the connection remains even if the relationship is not active, and that every moment spent in active relationship is priceless. If it ends, I will feel a dreadful loss, but more than that loss I will feel the gift of what was, and the surety that we will be reunited (even if not in this life). I don't feel worry or fear! I feel that I am drinking in every moment with utter gratitude.

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Lilylight (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to Nimajneb and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Lilylight proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Lilylight told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Lilylight and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Lilylight understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Lilylight's ex, my former friend) contacted Lilylight again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does Nimajneb, my partner, think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Lilylight, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Lilylight is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Lily is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

I miss:

-- the girl who glowed with such a sweetness that she made my fierceness feel like it had a purpose, protecting her.

-- the girl who listened to my every hurt and loved me unconditionally. Who hugged me even though she hated touching or being touched, because she knew I needed it. Who shared sacred parts of herself, and taught me so much in the process. Who taught me that God/dess is not a bundle of rules, but a person, a being made of love.

-- the girl who inspired me with her intensity, who celebrated her strangeness. Who filled my life with light just by being herself. Who intimidated me with her brilliance, and coaxed me out of my fear of self-expression by finding the brilliance in me. Who shared my excitement over my creations, no matter how undeveloped or unskilled. (night before last I dreamed that she came to me and said she wanted to be friends again ♥)

-- the family who taught me what family is, who accepted and loved me for who I was, right at that moment. Who encouraged me in selling my jewelry, believing in me and even offering help. Who understood that I had been taught lies and lovingly guided me out of my subconscious prejudice, without judging me.

-- the girl who showed me that I was not alone in the way I sense trees, who unintentionally validated something so important to me.

-- the group who let me see a created family, dissimilar people who banded together to create their own culture, rooted in love. Who accepted me as I am, and didn't make me feel like an outsider despite the lack of history I had with them (quite a feat!).

-- the girl who made me feel connected, loved in a way I had never been.

...Missing You by Jem...
I'll always be thankful for the time we had
We were blessed, I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories just make me fall apart

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

belated Happy Birthday to sabr, _paroxysm_, and delicatexflower! I may have missed saying it, but I saw your names on my little mini-calendar and thought of you all day. *lovelove*

I've been strange lately! waking up at 5am and then falling asleep about 12 hours later! My waking cycle is usually at least 18 hours, not 12. I have no idea why I've been so drained... bleh! but anyway. The penii rant is almost finished & will be posted soon *giggles* thanks to everyone who voted! I was excited to see who was most interested in what.

Last night I dreamed that I met two faeries, one who was about my height, without wings, and had skin that was like mine but opalescent, and a small blue-skinned blue-haired one, about knee height, who had wings and glowed blue with sparkles. The glow had defined edges, it wasn't like the glow of a lamp. The taller one gave me a glowing seed of a tree to plant and the smaller one came along with me to help me plant the seed. We were in Ben's parent's neighborhood (sorta) and one of the houses had a tree that I wanted to show to the faery, so we walked into their side yard. The tree was huuuge, much taller than the house, and some of the branches were partly hollow, with an open-weave side. I was very excited because the faery could live there, and she'd be much closer to my house (which was also in the neighborhood) and the larger faery could live there too. So she climbed it and looked around, also very excited, because it would be a really good home tree. I looked into the house and saw this red-headed girl messing with the fire in the fireplace. She looked like she was amused by something, in a kind of sardonic way. I felt like that was a good sign, and we decided to leave. When we got to the road the tall faery was with us again, and as we were walking by, this really old nasty cranky guy came out of the house and told us that we "better not come back and mess with [his] property anymore." (there was a girl and boy peeking past him at us as he stood in the doorway) I got very angry, but noticing a 'for sale' sign in the yard, I restrained myself and bent over to whisper to the blue faery that it doesn't matter because he's moving soon anyway. He shouldn't have been able to hear me but somehow did and said "oh really? it doesn't matter because we're moving out soon?" and I turned and furiously screamed at him to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and then we kept on walking. Then we were suddenly in a car, going up the hill, and at the top of the hill we stopped, and started taking stuff out of the car. Some friends had come to meet us and they asked "why are you upset?" so I started telling them the story, and then Ben woke me up.

hm, this has turned into a very dreamy journal lately... I had thought of making a dream journal, but I like seeing where the dreams fit in my life. These recent ones have all had very strong significance, so I haven't lj-cut them, but I may if this keeps up. This is the fourth dream involving trees ♥ and I feel like I am learning something, though I haven't figured out what yet.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

Life has been stressssss-FUL lately. Mainly financial stuff... Ben and I were counting on him being promoted into management now, and it didn't happen. Two less-qualified people were promoted over him, a black man and a white woman, and he feels sure it was because of political reasons (race/sex quotas). (He knows the two people: their history, temperament, and qualifications) He spoke with his manager and his manager gave the impression that he agreed. Ben was pretty irritated about it... but I feel that sometimes injustice is the only way to make up for injustice. I would probably be more upset if it was ME who got left behind, because I'd feel hurt that my managers didn't make it happen for me, but as it is, I'm okay with it. I am definitely feeling the pinch of this, and it's not right -- but I feel it is necessary. This one time, those two people may have been favored, but usually, they will have to deal with a hell of a lot more oppression and discrimination than Ben (and myself, as his dependent) will. It shouldn't have happened, especially not to Ben because he was absolutely the best person for the position, but if it tips the scales a little bit more toward equality, I think it's a necessary wrong. Dunno how long my stance on that would hold if it happened over and over though, heh.

I am upset over not having money though. I have a veryvery late birthday present for 'Kenzie that has been sitting here and I haven't had the money to send it off, and then Hannah, Kate, Meliae's birthdays went by and I couldn't get anything :-( And then there is the stress of bills hanging over our heads, and the car desperately needs repair... and I need to spend time with Hannah, not want, NEED. I'm not willing to go back to Wal-Mart, and with sharing one car that we can't drive any more than absolutely necessary, getting a job elsewhere is not realistic. We're hoping that Ben gets this other position that just opened up, but he hasn't been interviewed yet so that is up in the air. He said he'd enjoy that one a lot more than the other so we're reeeeeeeeeeally hoping... otherwise we have to scrape by until April when the next management opening comes up. So please pray or send positive energy his way about that, it would make our lives so incredibly much better.

The financial stuff has the effect of leaving me housebound, which is a rather depressing thing for me, especially since I REALLY want to spend time with SabR and Kazi... but I've had positivity come into my life in the form of my friends. Last week my monitor turned very greenish (thank you Murphy), and I told Kazi about it, who told Brian, who drove allllll the way over to give me his extra monitor AND look at my car. I was so happy that he went out of his way for me like that. AND I got my birthday present from Kate!!! I will save describing it for when I have photos but lemme tell you, I am just THRILLED!!!

( ashley/lily stuff )

ugh. Yesterday I had a looooooooooooooong talk with SabR and Kazi. First we discussed the recent 'drama': ( cut for irrelevance ) and then we moved on to sacred topics, talking of spiritual things, and after much reassurance, much encouragement, I opened up about something I'd never told anyone (except Hannah) before. It broke something loose in me, and I've been dealing with a FLOOD of emotion since, mostly depression and pain. I don't understand it, haven't found the root of it, but OH my heart aches. If I start thinking about it I weep. What I don't get is that when I talked to Hannah about it I didn't have this reaction, maybe because my heart wasn't ready to really open the door yet? Whatever it is, it's made me WAY FUCKING DEPRESSED all morning, and I finally sent Kazi and SabR an email about it because they had seen I was hurt afterwards and were worried that it was their fault. I sobbed through the whole email and had to keep blinking hard in order to see the screen, but I think it helped. Then SabR IMed me and was so understanding, and I feel much stronger now. Still very fragile though. It's going to take more processing before I can share it here, but I definitely plan to.

And my girls TOTALLY lifted my spirits by adding pro-belenen to their interests lists!!! LOL!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! and I totally have it because I'm very pro-me, muahahaha!

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

aurilion hasn't responded to my email (says she's too busy with exams to process) and alariya hasn't responded to the last few texts I have sent her. I feel like I am hanging in midair, directionless... This is very upsetting. Especially Ashley ignoring my texts, because she doesn't have anything that I know of that would keep her from responding. I wish I just knew how they felt and what they want. Maybe it's situational, for aurilion at least, but whatever it is, it's not fair to me to be ignored. If you want my friendship, at least say that. if you don't, at least say THAT! They're spending so much time with each other -- obviously they HAVE the time to tell me what they want, they just choose not to. Everything else is more important.

made a similar post last night but felt that I'd be attacked, so deleted it. At this point, if they want to attack me, I say let them. It's better than waiting endlessly for a response. (comments are screened)

This was friends-locked, but I changed my mind.

So, aurilion came down. And all kinds of wonderful things happened at first, but I can't write about them right now. Despite all the wonderfulness of spending time with her, I was dealing with a lot of shit already. My parents are terrible and my sister is suffering, and I NEED to do something but have no idea what!; my cat ran away and it's winter and she has no idea how to handle the outdoors; I haven't been able to get in contact with Hannah for a week; Ben hurt me really badly the other day and even though he's been wonderful since, I'm still recovering; and then Saturday I went to visit my old house and show aurilion the trees, and one of my trees was dead. You would have to understand my connection with trees to get how much that hurt -- I felt like I'd gone to see an old friend at her house, anticipating a wonderful time, and found her skeleton sitting in a chair.

( and then I broke )

and I quit my job yesterday. I almost deleted my journal -- I still might. I just don't have the strength for anything.

I can't remember ever having so many deeply painful things happen in so short a time. All I can say is please pray for me or send positive energy or think kindly toward me. I'm falling apart.