These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Lilylight (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to Nimajneb and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Lilylight proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Lilylight told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Lilylight and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Lilylight understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Lilylight's ex, my former friend) contacted Lilylight again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does Nimajneb, my partner, think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Lilylight, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Lilylight is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Lily is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

notice:

I am training myself to use genderfree language, and specifically, gender-neutral pronouns. Disbelieving in gender is an important part of my worldview and I want it to be reflected in my language. ( further explanation of why ) I would prefer if you used genderfree pronouns in reference to me but I will be fine if you don't -- I know it is hard to remember. So for future reference, here in my LJ:

zir = her, his
ze = he, she
zirself = herself, himself

This is not a request for you to do the same (though that would thrill me), so if you don't like the idea, simply ignore this post. If it is going to intensely bother you to read, feel free to unfriend. mourningdoveava is my buddy in this journey, and ze will hopefully remind me if I slip up. ;-)

ETA: This is really just for me -- not to ignore physical differences, but to remind myself of their unimportance. I'm becoming the change I wish to see in the world. I'm not attempting to change anyone else's mind.

ETA #2: I am fully and completely comfortable with my sex -- I'm a girl, and I like it. I am a 'she.' But I see no reason to have my sex referred to in casual conversation. For me, being a girl is about having female body parts and that is it. And I don't wish to have my body parts referred to whenever someone speaks of me.

These gender-neutral terms are not an 'other,' they are inclusive. They're not for people who are other than male or female, they are for all people -- male, female, intersexed, transsexual. It is not meant to ignore or take away a person's sex; it is meant to speak of the person within the body. So if I call you 'ze' I am referring to the person that you are, without happening to mention your sex.

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* Poor Nimajneb (my partner, I'm spelling his name that way nowadays for reasons I'll explain later) was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )

Hello beautiful beautiful people! *hugs whole flist*

I feel like I hit rock bottom and pushed off, and now I'm finally rising towards the surface. It feels really wonderful to be looking up instead of helplessly staring at my feet as I sink further and further. It wasn't anything I did; it was the love given to me by so many people, in so many ways. Megan especially -- she kept reaching out even though I was late and little in my responses. Thank you lovey ♥ You've been such a positive force in my life!

My Christmas was less than sparkly overall ( ... ) One very sparkly point was the dream I had while sleeping my cramps away. It was my Christmas present from God/dess; the vivid, spiritually-real kind. ♥ It gave me so much hope and joy -- I'll post it after this. Now if I could only interpret it!

Two days after Christmas I had a fantastic day. I dropped Nimajneb at work so I could have the car, and went to meet a new friend (who found me on craigslist) at a coffeehouse. Amber is bouncy and outgoing -- I think we're going to get along famously. We talked for a good long while and it felt so comfortable! I've met several new people in the past few months, some of whom I got along really well with but none with whom I felt soo comfortable. I really like to be around people who have a higher energy than me -- I love all types, of course, but when I have no higher-energy people in my life I really miss it.

Later that day I wrestled Nimajneb into going to see Enchanted with me in the theatre (he thinks only action movies should be seen on the big screen *pah*) and we LOVED it! Nimajneb actually laughed out loud which he hardly ever does -- he usually laughs in this 'heh heh' kind of way, not 'ha ha ha!' I love his laugh ;-) The beginning is almost painfully ironic, mocking the syrupy-sweetness of the 'classic' disney films. There's also some subtler feminist irony which I REALLY loved, and one incredible curvy-positive moment that almost made me cry. See it!

Then as we were leaving Nimajneb spotted his old friend Thiago, whom we haven't seen in AGES! It was so incredibly meant to be -- if we had left a little earlier or a little later we would have missed him. Thiago is this absolutely amazing guy; I can't put into words what it is about him, as I don't even know him that well, but I really love him. He's one of the most respectful people I have ever met -- he has a deep respect for every person as themselves, and that just radiates from him. You know he would respect a prostitute, a politician, a pastor, or a child equally (or at least, I feel so) -- and he's one of the very few guys I've met who gives me the impression that he respects women as much as men. When we walked up to him he was with several other people, and he put out his hand as Nimajneb walked over to greet another guy (Nimajneb didn't notice his hand out) -- I laughed and said "I'll shake your hand!" and put my hand in his, and he turned to me and gave me a hug. I was just beaming -- this guy feels like a spiritual brother to me. Just before we left Thiago hugged me again, and I must have just been glowing with happiness. He was so genuine! Genuine physical affection is absolutely the most wonderful thing to me -- those two hugs meant SO much. ♥ ♥ ♥

And this amazing day wasn't over (it lasted over 25 hours :D)! After Nimajneb went to bed, I got on gtalk in the mood to chat for the first time in AGES (usually I just pop in long enough to check my email) and had the most AMAZING conversation with mourningdoveava! I friended him in August and we've had quite a few commentations, but never a real-time conversation before. We talked for over SEVEN HOURS overall, about so many things, and it felt like such a short time! We're so alike it's insane. No, really! I thought Hannah and I were alike, but I think Ava and I have even MORE in common! It blows my mind to the point where I have a hard time believing he's real. *pinches him*

I'm using my super-extremely-very-uper-duper awesome new icon right now despite it's irrelevance because I am totally in love with it. Yay self-adoration! :D I have more to say *overflows* but I will put it in other posts! I am so... fertile right now! yum, rain. :D