These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Twice recently I've dreamed about Foreman (after marathoning my way through House M.D.). In the first dream, I was a mocha-skinned Goddess (literally, in the reality of the dream I was superhuman) in a jungle-y area (wtf?) -- it was apparently my temple and he was there to worship. I think he sang for me, or recited poetry in my honor? he was much thicker than in real life, wearing only a blue loincloth that draped down to the floor (I'm embarrassed at recounting this, it seems so dreadfully stereotyped). The thing I noticed most was the cellulite on his butt and the back of his thighs, and I thought it was very intriguing and sexy how he was both muscular and plush. It's been a while so I don't remember much else, but he was very seductive and I was very appreciative. ;-)

The second dream I had of him was very short and simple -- I was alone and scared in a dark parking lot, and then I saw him he held his arms out to me. I ran over to him and he gave me the most amazing, enveloping hug -- he lifted me off of the ground, but it wasn't rib-crushing like it would have been in real life. It lasted a long time and was sooooo wonderful.

( confronting my mom about her ED )

( abstract sex-representation, unsatisfying )

Yesterday I went in to Curves and got started using my gift certificate (my goal is to go three times a week). The lady who was working gave me a bit of a hassle when I refused to be weighed and measured like a slab of meat so that they could feel accomplished if my body changes weight or shape. (I know how fit I am by how I feel and what I can do!) But she got over it when she realized I wasn't to be coerced, and she was very nice overall. It was more crowded than the times I had been there on my trial week, and everyone was so friendly and positive. ♥ I was impressed with the range of sizes; it was very satisfying to see with my own eyes that fitness has very little to do with size.

As I started doing the round, I slipped into this almost trance-like state of communing with my body -- it felt amazing. As I used the machines (hydraulic, using your own force against you which is such a natural form of exercise), listening to upbeat music and feeling the flow of energy through my body, I remembered what it felt like to be strong and energetic and flexible. How I used to feel like I had no limits, like my body would do whatever I asked of it. The second round got harder and I started to feel tired, and halfway through I had to go sit down. My head was spinning, everything was blurry, and sounds were faded by the buzzing in my ears. I started to get a little scared when it didn't go away, but the supervisor brought me some water and crackers (and asked if I wanted her to call 911! I said no), and after I managed to choke down one of the crackers I started to feel better. I did the stretches and left.

I actually came up against the limits of my body! I've always been strong -- even when I was little I often carried around others who weighed nearly as much as I did. I think part of the reason I haven't gotten started was that I was a little afraid of finding my limits, especially when I have never met them before. Now I know them, I think I will just do one round for a while, and work my way up. And I will listen to my body before I get to the point of passing out. I'm disappointed that I've gotten so weak, but at the same time I'm excited because it means I will actually FEEL the difference in my body as I get stronger.

When I was a child my parents taught me a hatred of exercise ( ... ) Now that I have learned that exercise doesn't have to be drudgery or self-hating, that fat is just a body part, NOT an enemy (and a very soft, sexy body part at that), and that I am beautiful no matter if I am voluptuous or slender, I actually like it. I doubt I'll ever take to running -- E-cup women aren't really built to run -- but I love that feeling of creating new strength, being truly one with my body.

My parents taught me something about giving thanks that has stayed fresh in my mind for many years. (not fresh as in crisp spring leaves, fresh as in just-dumped manure) By their actions (which rendered their words meaningless), they taught me not to show any gratitude upon the promise of a gift, but only upon the receipt -- the proof. If they offered something and I showed any excitement or gratitude, they would turn that offer into a bribe and force me to earn the 'gift.' By the time I earned it, I had no gratitude left.

I disagree with much of their parenting, but this seemingly-small thing rankles me more than most of their teachings. I LOVE to be grateful! I love feeling an outpouring of positive energy toward the person who has been generous to me -- most of the time I love this feeling even more than the actual gift. But if someone promises me a gift, I feel an uncertainty that lasts until the promise is fulfilled, and that uncertainty drains much of the positivity from the gift.

However, that attitude has recently been changing. A few months ago, I picked up a flyer printed with an affirmation for receiving unexpected blessings. At that time my partner and I had very strained finances, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try it. Shortly after that, my partner finally received the promotion that he had been working toward for over a year (with three attempts that didn't pan out). Things had already been building in that direction, so I'm not sure how much effect the affirmations had on our finances, but the important thing was the effect they had on me as I said these words over and over again:

( the affirmation )

As I said these words aloud, I put myself into a mindset of gratitude. I changed my focus from wondering whether or not it would 'work' and just felt the gratitude as if it already happened. I've never been able to do that before! The first time I did it laughingly, as a experiment (acting melodramatic and making extravagant gestures) -- but the peace and renewed faith I felt afterwards motivated me to keep doing it. Before, I always felt like I was lying or being naive if I said 'thank you' for something that hadn't happened yet, but now I understand that gratitude is not just a reaction caused by outside events; it is an attitude I can create within myself to kick-start a flow of positivity.

and I'm really grateful for this topic because I needed to reflect on this right now. So thank you, therealljidol! and thanks to all my idol-ing friends who unintentionally urged me to do mine (since I want to read your already-posted entries, you overachievers!). ;-)

LJ idol topic 3: "The Giving of Thanks." ((please vote for me if you got something from reading this!))

I remember places. The space under the trailer where I played at making food (mud pies and mud soup) for homeless people (whom I'd never seen) with a stick and my rust-colored depression glass cup. The spot on the edge of the playground at school where no one but me and the caterpillars ever went. The place on our driveway where I stepped over a black-and-yellow snake and didn't realize it until three steps later, 'cause I was running so fast. The edge of my mother's iris garden, where a baby pine tree poked out of the ground and I rescued it from my mom's weeding hands. (to return years later and find it had grown to at least twice my height) The tree in the backyard where I once peeled a strip of bark and saw to my chagrin that I had wrecked the roof of a family of ladybugs. And the bedroom where I laid belly-down on the floor with my cat and watched under the door as people moved us out of the first home I remember.

I remember people. The girl who I played paper dolls with, who wouldn't let me play with the one I wanted so I chose a bellydancing costume with headscarf and veil, called her 'Noface' and played her so happily that we ended up fighting over her. The teacher that I thought was so cruel -- until one day she paddled me (it was a school that allowed for that, with proper documentation/permission) and afterward picked me up, hugged me, and told me she loved me: that she had to spank me for lying but it didn't change how she felt about me. (I think that may be part of the reason I can't stand lies to this day) The aunt who gave me a glitter-filled plastic baton and encouraged me in my dreams of being a dancer. The stranger who told me 'boys will be boys' when my brother was being a little ass in the grocery store, who infuriated me (at age 6) and made me realize for the first time that boys and girls were treated differently and that it was wrong. The 'big kids' at my school who called me Pocahontas (for my protectiveness of my crush and my waist-length hair), which I took as a huge compliment because I desperately wanted to be Native American. The group of girls in my neighborhood whom I told elaborate stories of how I was really an Indian Princess who had been switched at birth, but my real family was keeping a close eye on me and would take me back once I learned enough. (and I told it so convincingly that they believed me -- they told me so years later when I moved back into that neighborhood)

But I only remember one positive event, one positive moment in time that I can remember clearly enough to picture it. I was four years old. I went into my parents' bedroom where my dad was sitting on the bed reading the bible and making notes. He had a yellow legal pad with a HUGE list of verse references, and I pointed to random ones, asked him what they were, and he quoted them for me. After a few we lapsed into silence, him reading and me just thinking. I thought that his turning those little letters and numbers into whole verses was Jesus inside him working miracles. (it was too much to imagine memorizing them all) Then I asked him what I had to do to have Jesus come into my heart, and he got very excited but tried to stay calm. He asked me if I knew John 3:16, so I quoted it to him, and he prayed the 'sinner's prayer' with me. (I now believe that it was the act of opening my heart, not the words said, that created the experience) I remember so clearly the feeling of euphoria that came over me. I felt that Jesus had come into my heart and was glowing in me -- I felt connected to everything, that everything was absolutely perfectly beautiful, and that I was fully loved.

My beliefs have expanded and changed since then, of course, but that moment will never leave me. I don't call myself a Christian because that does not encompass all of my beliefs, but I have a deep fondness for Jesus, who was my only real friend and comfort throughout my childhood. I talked to him constantly, in all those places and about all those people whom I remember -- he's my favorite childhood memory. ♥

LJ idol topic 1: my favorite 'childhood' memory ((please vote for me here!))

The ones with me in them aren't as great as the others, 'cause I couldn't see what I was shooting, of course. :-p I took about 600 photos this trip (well, Ben took some of them) so I'm breaking them into several posts. I took some portrait-style photos of lil sis and mom which turned out AMAZING and I can't wait to share them, next. And after that, a clothed shoot of me and a nude one. and maybe a text post about the trip somewhere in there...



( me & lil sis, lil sis & mom, mom & me )

In a little while I'm leaving for a week-long vacation with my biofamily. *eeeeeeek* I'll be back on Friday night. I'm nervous because it's never easy spending time with them, and also the bank stole a bunch of our money (4 giant fees for 'overdrafts' that didn't even go through. They charged us because they MIGHT have gone through. I'm so disgusted). But it'll be okay, it's just life after all. All can be learned from!

Hope you all have a wonderful week! ♥

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- Nimajneb and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited Nimajneb and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

Last week my mom convinced my dad to drive down and give me the Jeep that they bought 'for me' five years ago. I'm still kinda in shock -- this is the first time in my life that my parents have come through for me in a time of need. Part of me is still waiting for them to somehow take it back... mostly I'm bewildered. I want to feel grateful, and I am grateful that my mom spoke for me and that my dad went to all the trouble to bring it down, but I'm not actually grateful for the vehicle. Maybe because they said it was mine five years ago and it didn't become fact until now? Maybe because they've never given me anything without strings attached and I am waiting to find the strings? I'm embarrassed of my apparent lack of thankfulness, but that's the way it is.

BUT I am very glad to have Arroskotos back in my life. ♥ Ze is a wonderful vehicle, and was a comfort to me during one of the hardest parts of my life. 'Arroskotos' means 'Bright Shadow,' and I named hir that because ze was an unfulfilled promise -- I had the (always chaperoned) joy of driving hir, but at the same time, the knowledge that ze wasn't truly mine. And now ze is! it's very hard for me to accept.

My dad spent the entire day with me. ( surreal )

I've gotten as shutter-happy as Hannah, practically. Nowadays when I'm going someplace, my first thought is, "hmm, what could I take photos of there?" *giggles* Which is why I need a smaller, hardier camera than Spyder, something I can slip in a very small bag with wallet and keys. (I don't actually use a purse, because I wouldn't be comfortable sticking Spyder in there anyway, and I don't need one for wallet and keys) On to the photos!



( photos of Arroskotos, Sylvia, and mr. stray cat )

tomorrow I go hang out with Kazi, Brian, and John, and
in FIVE FREAKING DAYS I get to meet kmiotutsie for the first time!!!

so much to say! I'm feeling blocked, hopefully if I can decide which to post when, it will help. (eventually I will post it all, most likely) Please vote on which I should post FIRST (1 or 2 choices please, 3 if you must):

( which to post when poll )

also, last night I dreamed that I went to a home-church meeting (in the jeep, I drove) with my mom and lil sis, and after we got there I called Ben and invited him to come too (he drove over in Sylvia (our current car)). All the other people were old, grey-haired, wise, kind, and very openminded. (and they were all about feeding us, I remember potato salad in particular) I think I took my clothes off shortly after coming in. The house was very open, practically nothing but screened windows from the waist up (second time I've dreamed about a house like that). It was very sunny and fairly warm, with a cool breeze. After a little while I looked out the back of the house and saw a MASSIVE tree, with its lower branches gnarled and thicker than I am tall. I was awed, and one of the old men noticed and said, "oh, that's Hercules." I responded, "Hercules?" and he said yes and showed me a drawing of a warrior with horns. I looked at it and then up at the tree and saw that they were exactly the same shape. I was further awed and in love, and went outside to lay at its roots and stare up and take photos, even though by that time the wind was VERY strong, strong enough that you'd need to lean against it -- but still coming in gusts rather than steadily. Ben was a little worried that a branch might break and fall on me, but I was completely calm.

that is the third dream I've had of trees lately, the second that features a HUGE tree which I spend time at the roots of, and the second that involved my mom & lil sis and trees AND cars! *meditates* hmm, also the second in which I call someone.

( what dreammoods says about the symbolism )

The Bad: Mom took lil sis and moved back to PA. *frustration* I could go on and on about that... :-(

The Strange: Ashley left a bag on the front door with the CDs she had borrowed (which I was glad to get back), the curvy goddess-shaped rock Hannah had given her, and the pieces of the anklet I had made her. I can understand not wanting it around and giving it back, but taking it apart first? wtf? (and it was corded so it didn't simply break) *shakes head* whatevah whatevah.

The Good! Mom loaned me some money (her pay from her part-time job, I was soooo touched) and we went ahead and got the car fixed *whew!* Now we just have to get the tag/title yearly fee taken care of and we will have a healthy, legal car for the first time in MONTHS. You've no idea how much of a relief that is. Right now we have another possibility for improving our finances, but I'm not going to get too excited until it actually happens. Also I applied at a coffeehouse down the road and I REALLY want the job. If not there of course I'll be getting a job elsewhere, but there would be just perfect. When I filled out the application they asked questions like "how much do you like to listen to other people's problems?" and "when you see a small mistake, do you feel compelled to correct it?" and judging by that and the atmosphere in the shops I've frequented, they're looking for open, friendly, relaxed people. The workers there always seem sooo relaxed and cheerful, and I'd just LOVE to be working in an environment like that, surrounded by COFFEE SMELLS. mmmmmmmmmm. And I would be so fucking PERFECT for it. After I put in the application online, I went in the next day and spoke to the manager about setting up an interview, but he hadn't looked at the applications yet. It's been a week so hopefully I'll get a call tomorrow! if not I think I'll call. I don't want to be pushy but I don't want to regret not going after it. *eeek*

also I've been in a very phototaking mood, so a giant photopost will probably come soon. I took soooooo many amazing photos of Ben, because he was in a generous mood and not camera-shy for once. But I have to convince him to let me share them *hopes* For now I'll just share a few photos of other subjects:


( mostly the incredibly green trees ♥ )

Thank you so incredibly much, everyone who has lovingly commented/prayed/sent positive energy/thoughts ♥ ♥ ♥ Thank you so so much. You help more than I can ever express or even understand.

also, AMAZING news: FIREKAT IS COMING TO VISIT MEEEEEEEE!!!!! She bought the tickets and I'm going to see her face to face for the first time on May 2nd!!! OMFG!!!

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

remember that abdominal pain that sent me to the ER in Feb? it came back, but this time I went straight to bed when it showed up and barely stirred until it eased. I'm still a little uncomfortable, but no stabbing pain most of the time. I know, I know -- "go to the doctor" but that's so freaking expensive and unless it gets worse I am not wasting money on another "hm, dunno what's wrong with you, give us $5,000." I am completely disillusioned with modern medicine. Hopefully by the time I have to go to work on Wednesday it will be completely gone -- it lasted about 5 days last time, two intense and three dull, and that's what I've been through this time. But I don't deal well with being sick.

( My mom left my dad this weekend... )

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall of this came on top of a spiritual sickness that started on Friday... I felt like my spirit was throwing up, sick to the point of death. Scary, especially since I had no idea where it came from. Now I'm thinking that it was a combination of a lot of things... I still haven't really mourned the loss of Anika and I'm having a hard time trusting people whom I had no doubts in before. I put more effort into treating Anika with respect, space, unconditional love, and consideration for her sensitivities than I EVER have in any other relationship. I know I wasn't perfect, but I couldn't POSSIBLY have tried harder, and that makes her disgust and rejection of me so very hard to deal with. Usually at the end of a friendship I can look back and say, well, I could have done this and this and this, and been a much better friend -- not so here. So if my best efforts are not good enough, how then can I trust friendships that I HAVEN'T given that much effort to? I feel like in order to compensate I have to do some magical transformation of myself to become a hugely better person -- that's a false feeling but I'm having a hard time getting rid of it. The mature part of me knows that I am not to blame for being rejected, but the immature part says, "you were rejected at your best, there must be something fundamentally unworthy about you that your efforts cannot overcome." Bah.

I will not let that voice win. I am a worthy person, I am a good friend, and I not only do my best, I strive to learn and grow so that my best improves. I will not stamp myself with someone else's opinion of me. I will glean what I can from this experience. I have learned that sometimes no matter how hard I try, I will fail to meet someone else's desires or expectations. I have learned that I cannot predict what someone else will desire or expect -- so I should ask, but still understand that what I think is good, someone else might think is bad. I have learned that I cannot measure my success as a friend by how pleased the friend is with me, but rather by how much I lived by what I believe to be good friendship -- and that for the sake of harmony, I should seek friends who share my beliefs about friendship. I was the best friend that I knew how to be, and I hope that that had a positive effect on some level, but even if it didn't, I have developed as a person through it. I have learned more of patience and humility, and how to restrain my tongue/fingers (sometimes). And perhaps most importantly, I have grown in my ability to give unreservedly. When Anika came to visit, I opened my heart to her in a way that I never have before, and I grew so much from that experience. I no longer have such an intense fear of rejection, because while she visited she accepted my love completely -- and rather than feeling drained, I felt stronger because I gave. I look forward to giving my love more lavishly and fearlessly as I grow. No labor of love is in vain -- I believe that with everything in my being.

counseling was horrible... I want to write but I don't have the words...

and it ended badly -- we had to end without closing any of the issues that were brought up, and I was angry and hurt -- I didn't hug her back when she hugged me bye and when she waved I just looked at her. I think I may have hurt her, I don't know. And yeah, I was angry at her, not just in general.

I was at least two different people -- one very angry and bold and strong and the other just a limp blob of pain. This was the first time I've ever actually felt the difference in my selves -- it wasn't just moodiness, it was a whole different person. And then there was the self that just watched, that self that I hate.

I need to be allowed to be weak, to mourn, to believe that I was wronged and I have a right to feel pain. Of course I don't want to stay mourning forever, but I cannot just skip that step... as it seems everyone wants me to do.

I have been in such a place of confidence and clarity (compared to my life before, anyway) for weeks, and to be plunged into confusion and frustration again is overwhelming. Since counseling, I've been exhausted and my body is reacting to my spirit -- I've felt nauseated and aching.

Oh yeah, and right after counseling I went and spent time with my dad, who was in town for the weekend. It's almost funny. It wasn't a bad time, exactly, just fraught with the usual feelings of frustration, disappointment, tension, and exhaustion.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

• Ben aka Dragon aka sciethen -- the best husband anybody could ever hope for.
  
• Del aka Allison aka jedibubbles -- my spunky, sprightly, outgoing artist friend, whom I met in high school over an Anne McCaffery book.
  
• Paula & Spencer -- a wonderful couple whom I lived with for a year -- they taught me what real family was.
  
• Ashley aka alariya -- a new close friend; I was aquainted with her for years and recently we have grown close, very sweet and generous.
  
• Rebecca -- my very cherished best friend for 4.5 years, reserved but intense; also Ben's sister.
  
• elya -- my friend who is a living embodiment of a ray of sunshine, incredibly kind and gentle; also Ben's twin.
  
• Kristy -- my very outgoing, flirty friend who lives in Florida; also Ben's cousin.
  
• Kaylene -- a deep friend of mine who was part of my life for only a few months, yet she inspired me and understood me like no one else ever has.
  
• Gabe -- my spiritually adopted little brother, an amazing person whom I adore and am so proud of. You know when he's around because he sings everywhere he goes.
  
• Kristen -- my bossy, blunt, outgoing friend -- she was a friend of mine from middle school, and we've recently become friends again.

( more in-depth descriptions, with photos )

You should all do this so I can get to know the people in your life! (don't worry about the long part with the pictures, but do the short part!)