in googling myself, I discovered an anti-beauty-myth article using one of my photos as illustration. I am SO INSPIRED right now. It's in Spanish so I used babelfish to translate, and I love the way certain lines were translated:

Where it is left the diversity? As it is the place of intelligence, the tenderness, picardia, the force of the powerful character of the Venezuelan woman? To be "pretty", according to the criterion of our country, implies to extirpate the individuality, the weight I specify of our defects and virtues, that ineffable personal brightness that us makes only? I do not create it, I do not admit it, I resist to that idea.

( the google-translated article (borderline worksafe photo of me included) )

Unique, beautiful, unrepeatable. This is femininity in my country, and no one, even those sad aesthetic theorists who try to corner the curves and beautiful imperfections to create a single mold, it will never achieve change that thinking. -- Deirge

---

What is even more amazing? This particular photo has been stolen and desecrated TWICE by people attempting to show off their 'photoshop skills' at skinnifying me (I reported them for copyright theft and had the images removed from dA). There is some serious power in it, to provoke such reactions. I'm... gloriously stunned at the power of simple belief in the beauty of variety.

This is a topic that many people are deeply invested in. It tears down a ranking system, and that always causes uproar -- even from those whom it oppresses. Those whom it oppresses may not be the highest in the ranking system, but at least they aren't as 'bad' as those below them, and for those who have low self esteem, that comparison is very important. Also, there is simply a fear of the unknown -- in this case, life without a certain type of comparison.

Health cannot be accurately measured by weight. (neither can beauty, but that is another subject) Our society has a ranking system called BMI -- a number calculated by your height and weight -- that supposedly tells us how healthy we are. The more healthy, the better, as we praise supposedly 'fit' people. However, this ranking system is inherently flawed. First of all, it was created as a tool for statistical analysis -- to be able to create groups based on rough body size, for studies. It was never intended to be a measurement of health, and has not been tested for accuracy. For instance, no one has ever proven that a 5'5" woman is any more healthy at 140 pounds than she is at 120 or 160. You'd think with a chart used to diagnose people as being healthy, extensive testing would have been done at every level -- but since BMI was not intended for that purpose, it has not been.

BMI does not take into account muscle (which weighs more than fat) or frame size, and more importantly it does not take into account how active a person is or how healthily they eat. Many studies have shown that activity level has far more to do with fitness than weight does. Weight is a symptom of ill health -- it only becomes a cause of ill health in extreme cases. Increasing one's fitness will do much more for one's health than decreasing one's weight. We think we can look at a person and determine how fit they are by how thick they are -- but the fat and active are healthier than the thin and inactive.

( quotes and links )

LJ idol topic 13: "Current Events" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))

Recently on The L Word there was a shower scene which included normal women who varied in age, race, shape, and size. (NWS screencap) I was delighted, but when I watched the We're Getting Nowhere recap, the vloggers weren't so pleased. They made negative and disparaging comments about those women, so I responded with this comment:

I thought those women were beautiful. And I think that your not-so-positive reaction to them contradicts your previous statements about disliking the unhealthily thin trend in the media. "We don't want to see that"? Well I do! The blonde woman who threatened Helena was stunning -- mature, fit, and curvy -- and her companion was also lushly gorgeous. I'm annoyed that they had to go to prison to find these women. Apparently all normal-sized, varying in age women get sent to jail in L.A. -- perhaps for the crime of not being young, thin, and stereotypically beautiful? I'm disappointed that you seem to agree that those who are not young, thin, and stereotypically beautiful should not be on TV. Perhaps if they were, people would not have such a narrow, ridiculous idea of what 'beauty' is. Thin is merely the fashionable body shape -- it is not natural human inclination to find only thin people attractive. If we changed the fashion to thickness (as it was 100 years ago), your average person would think of thin women as unattractive. What we should be looking for is a fashion of variety -- truly believing that all people are beautiful.

Beauty is variety, not sameness. You can have your bland, airbrushed, altered, starved women. Give me the ones with flavour: the ones who don't change themselves to fit into the fashionable shape! (which includes those very few who happen to naturally have the shape which is in fashion)

( a response to my comment )

( another response -- this one apparently from a 'normal' viewer )

My now-decidedly-irritated response:
I didn't say it was about weight issues. I said it was about their expressions of disgust -- "eww" "I don't want to see that on TV" "be careful what you wish for" (paraphrased slightly). Yes their reactions were 'normal' -- that's the whole problem! This narrow concept of attractive is what is the problem. 'Attractive' is NOT AN OBJECTIVE QUALITY. It is purely subjective. It doesn't become fact because a bunch of people agree any more than the world was flat because everyone agreed on that concept. The concept of an objective beauty standard is FALSE.

Don't we all prefer something nice to look at?

Yes. Some of us have broader definitions of that than others. I personally find those women in the shower scene every bit as 'nice' to look at as the L word actresses, if not more so because they were natural. Being worked on for three hours (hair, makeup, etc) before a scene is shot and having a personal trainer and being on a restrictive, unhealthy diet is not normal or natural, and I don't find it especially attractive.

And no, I don't think TV would be bland if it had more variety! I think it would have more spice because of more DIVERSITY. Since when is something more flavorful because it is homogeneous?

most of us have at least some notion of what is generally considered attractive, and it's not what was presented in that shower scene, no matter how much some may protest that pointing it out is unfair or wrong.

What is 'generally considered' is not necessarily fact. Just because YOU thought it wasn't "particularly pleasant to see" does not mean that it wasn't. Your opinion is just that -- not objective fact for the rest of the world. You assume that everyone thinks thin is nicest and most attractive -- that this is some universally accepted and timeless idea! it isn't. It is a modern fetish. If all of the L Word main characters had the same skin tone and the shower scene ladies had a different skin tone and the vloggers reacted with disgust because of that skin tone, would that be an acceptable reaction? NO. Body shapes naturally differ the same way skin tones do, and should be treated with equal respect even if one doesn't find them equally attractive. I don't consider it 'PC' to treat every person with equal respect -- I consider it respecting one's fellow human beings.

just to make sure I am perfectly clear: I'm not asking the vloggers to like different sizes and shapes. That is their personal choice, of course. I'm simply asking that they treat all shapes and sizes with equal respect, without displaying disgust or disdain based on someone's appearance.

Yesterday I went in to Curves and got started using my gift certificate (my goal is to go three times a week). The lady who was working gave me a bit of a hassle when I refused to be weighed and measured like a slab of meat so that they could feel accomplished if my body changes weight or shape. (I know how fit I am by how I feel and what I can do!) But she got over it when she realized I wasn't to be coerced, and she was very nice overall. It was more crowded than the times I had been there on my trial week, and everyone was so friendly and positive. ♥ I was impressed with the range of sizes; it was very satisfying to see with my own eyes that fitness has very little to do with size.

As I started doing the round, I slipped into this almost trance-like state of communing with my body -- it felt amazing. As I used the machines (hydraulic, using your own force against you which is such a natural form of exercise), listening to upbeat music and feeling the flow of energy through my body, I remembered what it felt like to be strong and energetic and flexible. How I used to feel like I had no limits, like my body would do whatever I asked of it. The second round got harder and I started to feel tired, and halfway through I had to go sit down. My head was spinning, everything was blurry, and sounds were faded by the buzzing in my ears. I started to get a little scared when it didn't go away, but the supervisor brought me some water and crackers (and asked if I wanted her to call 911! I said no), and after I managed to choke down one of the crackers I started to feel better. I did the stretches and left.

I actually came up against the limits of my body! I've always been strong -- even when I was little I often carried around others who weighed nearly as much as I did. I think part of the reason I haven't gotten started was that I was a little afraid of finding my limits, especially when I have never met them before. Now I know them, I think I will just do one round for a while, and work my way up. And I will listen to my body before I get to the point of passing out. I'm disappointed that I've gotten so weak, but at the same time I'm excited because it means I will actually FEEL the difference in my body as I get stronger.

When I was a child my parents taught me a hatred of exercise ( ... ) Now that I have learned that exercise doesn't have to be drudgery or self-hating, that fat is just a body part, NOT an enemy (and a very soft, sexy body part at that), and that I am beautiful no matter if I am voluptuous or slender, I actually like it. I doubt I'll ever take to running -- E-cup women aren't really built to run -- but I love that feeling of creating new strength, being truly one with my body.

Words and actions are like clothing; we can express ourselves with them, but they cannot describe the person we are. They can hint, they can shout, but they cannot sum us up. People are simply too complex, and too much of us exists in a place where no one can see actions or hear words. The only label that has any worth is our self-label: the words we choose to dress ourselves in. And even those have no worth until we explain our own meaning for them.

On that note, here are the words I wear: spiritual, creative, honest, open, compassionate, bisexual, polyamorous, partnered, nuevo-gypsy, Georgian, curvy body-positive, fiercely individualistic, feminist/equalist, genderfree female-bodied person. (in no particular order) And my definitions:

spiritual: I don't adhere to any one religion, but believe in whatever resonates with me. The main belief systems I draw from are ancient Egyptian concepts (including aspects of Kemetic Orthodoxy), Native American animism, Christianity, and Buddhism (I don't know much about it but I really love Hotei). I worship God/dess, and have a relationship with several of hir personalities, of Christian and Kemetic names. Ultimately I believe God/dess is love, that the physical world is a metaphor for the spiritual world, and that we chose to come to earth to learn how to love more. I believe everything is connected, all things have a spirit and a name, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.

creative: I am one who creates. I do my best to create love in myself and others, and to pour myself out in my creations: my writing, photography, modeling, beadweaving, painting, dancing, singing -- whatever way I can. I believe that every act of creation ripples out and changes the world (as does destruction, but that in a negative way). Even if no one ever sees my art, I feel I have changed the world simply by creating it (though I think it has even more power when shared).

honest: I do my best to never lie. I think 'little white lies' are like 'little white maggots' that infest connectedness and ruin it. Even one 'little white maggot' in a bowl of soup is going to make you not want to eat it -- I feel the same way about lies. If you can't trust me on something small, how can you trust me with your heart? also, little white maggotlies are usually born from insecurity in the relationship, or lack of willingness to work out all issues. 'I don't want to offend her' or 'I don't want conflict.' Conflict is the best source of growth. I say brrrrring it oooooooon.

open: I will share myself with my friends without prompting, and I will share myself with strangers upon them showing the interest to know. I think every time one person shares themselves with another, that creates more of a connection and ripples out to affect the whole world. To me, honesty is giving truth when it is asked for (passive), and openness is offering your truth (active).

compassionate: My most intense passion in life is to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. I believe love is my purpose for being. The more I love people, the easier it gets, because I come to understand them more, and when you truly understand a person, it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to love them. I believe that at core we are all amazing, glorious spirits of incalculable worth. We all have a level of brokenness that keeps our spirits from being able to shine as they were meant to, but every act of love ripples out a wave of healing.

bisexual: ( ... )
polyamorous: ( ... )
partnered: ( ... )
nuevo-gypsy, Georgian: ( ... )
curvy body-positive: ( ... )
fiercely individualistic: ( ... )
feminist/equalist: ( ... )
nudist: ( ... )
genderfree female-bodied person: ( ... )

LJ idol topic 0: introduction/open topic (no voting this round!)

(from this meme)

7. (from blood_4_deniro) I know you don't subscribe to society's rigid beauty standards they have on women. but I know that most people have certain characteristics they find attractive, most of us also have preferences for certain types of looks. so... I was wondering do you have your own set of beauty standards for men and/or women?

Well this is a complicated question, and I love it! I don't consider myself to have a standard, but some would say I do, because I find all different looks equally attractive, but certain ones catch my eye more. My belief on beauty is that it is found in variety, and each person is their own ideal. I'm attracted to EVERYTHING (with one exception -- bulky muscular white men. It's connected to a trigger, and I'll leave it at that). On men, I like sharp-featured, craggy-faced, bleached blonde, dark, redheaded... On women, I like wide or narrow hips, large or small breasts, round-bellied, flat-bellied... On either, pierced, tattooed, plain, long hair, short hair, curly or straight hair, shaved head, tall, short, slender, thick, pale, dark... any combination of anything is attractive to me. But I do prefer people who look especially unique. I like figures with contrasts (called 'disproportionate' by the unenlightened), like small busts and wide hips or vice versa. I like any unusual features. And there are certain features I am initially drawn to most. On a man, slim but muscular, tall, dark skin, long dark hair, facial hair but no mustache. (essentially, Nimajneb) On a woman, shaved head or short dark hair, full breasts, wide hips, rounded belly, thick thighs, and muscular calves (and not body-shaved!). But the thing is, those aren't my ideal because if you showed me a woman that fit that description exactly, I would still find others to be just as attractive. There's this artist on dA with very narrow hips, a slim belly, slender legs, small breasts, and shaved parts, and I think she's just as gorgeous. She just wouldn't catch my attention as fast if I walked by both women in a store. The features that catch my eye the quickest are: on a woman: wide sensual hips, on a man: slender gracefulness, in faces: green or blue hazel eyes, very thick or arching eyebrows, full lips, and dark hair. The only things I find unattractive are fake tans, heavy boring makeup ('goth' or 'actress' type), non-expressive or body-hiding clothing, a way of moving/facial expression that betrays a lack of interest in life, or muscles that obviously take more than 3 hours a week to maintain (especially ab muscles -- don't like washboards on either sex).

Also, I think that the internal self shines through, and I think that that is the thing that attracts me most. Sometimes a person will catch my eye, and I'll watch them for a second and lose interest because I either can't get a feel for their inner self, or I don't like the feel I get. Other times a person will catch my eye and I will be absolutely enamored to the point of wanting to follow them around, and they don't have any of the features that usually draw me. And once in a good while someone will catch my eye with a feature and keep it with their inner self, like Nimajneb. ;-)

*note: my aesthetic attraction has nothing to do with my sexual/romantic attraction. possible post on that at a later date...

and now I turn the question on my flist: do you have your own set of beauty standards for men/women? if so, what are they?

I dreamed I was at a party-retreat sort of thing with a bunch of other people close to my age, and I had gone back in time to about age 17 or so. It seemed to be a spirituality-and-sexuality-celebrating retreat, and everyone was in high spirits. At first I was looking at the boys consideringly (this was before I met Ben), but none of them really appealed to me. Suddenly I thought to myself, "I should look for a girlfriend instead," and I told some of my friends who laughed and started looking for the perfect girl. There was the unspoken idea that there was a girl there who was meant for me, destined for me. I was leaning against a doorway when I felt someone pull out the back of my pants and spray whipped cream down them! I shrieked "ewwwww" and ran over to the sink to get it out, and 'the girl' was standing there holding the can, looking caught-off-guard. One of my friends was also standing around told me that she told her to do it because she thought I'd like it. I replied that I liked it when I was naked but it's gross when it gets on my clothes and gets all sticky. Then 'the girl' sprayed me with the whipped cream and I shrieked and we wrestled for a bit, trying to get it on each other. I was shocked at how easy she was to pick up, she was so light, and I thought to myself "this is totally not what I expected my perfect match to look like!" Finally we stopped and looked at each other and she said "God doesn't work by math, for sure" and when I asked what she meant, she said "I prayed, 'just don't let her have triple-Ds'." I thought to myself, 'ouch!' and looked down at my breasts, then asked why. And she said, 'because look at me!' and waved her hands at her 4'9" slender little form, and I was relieved that it was because she was afraid of comparing herself, not because she thought my breast size was ugly or something. So I started talking about how I used to compare myself to everyone, and how I had learned to see variety as beauty and no longer felt inferior to anyone, nor felt that anyone was inferior to me. I added that I was caught-off-guard by how small and slim she was, but now that I had met her, it just fit, and I loved her smallness and blondeness, and we kissed. Then someone called us outside and the dream-scene ended. ( ... )

eek eeek eeeek!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to two of the women at my church who are organizing a panel discussion called "Going Beyond Your Weight," offering to speak. now I am so jittery-nervous-eeeeeeeeeeek... especially since one of the women is the wife to the pastor. ( here's the email )

and in the jittery but body-positive spirit of the moment, a new curvygirls shirt design! Same quote as an older design, but more eye-catching.

We broke a thousand! My comm curvygirls now has 1020 members! *crazy weird dancing*

Seriously, when I think about the impact this community is having, I'm blown away. Creating it, I thought it would end up being just a group of people like myself who like curvy women. Instead it has become a movement; girls come in with no self esteem and learn their own beauty through seeing beauty in others, slender-curvy to zaftig-curvy. People post so often about how their lives have been changed that it's become commonplace to me, and I don't realize just how astonishing that is until I step back and think about it. All I can credit to myself is having the passion to form the community and the graks to keep it focused -- the reason the community is such a huge force for positivity is because people are coming in with the desire to grow and learn love. All they want is relief from self-hate, and what they find is acceptance, care, admiration, friendship. Reading the comments in the community is so encouraging, because they are so consistently wonderful. It's wonderful because the women are wonderful. And it makes me want to cry with joy because all it takes is giving someone the chance to be supportive and caring, and they will take that chance! At core we all want to love each other, we're just too scared of rejection to do it, and if we find an environment where it's the culture to care and show admiration, we will.

It takes spending time with someone who's of 'normal' cosmo-culture to realize that curvygirls is a revolution, a quiet but continuously-building force of change. And we all go out and influence others, in tiny or major ways. And yeah, the comm is about body-love, but it goes so much deeper than that. It's about learning to love ourselves for being OURSELVES, rather than rating ourselves and everyone else according to how we match some tyrannical unhealthy standard set by greedy fucks who want to beat us down and charge us for it. The body is just a symbol of the self, it is our SELVES and each other's selves that we are learning to love.

Viva La Curvylution!!!

of interest to curvy girls, potterfans, and those who love either/both.

( Rowling slams 'emaciated' models (possibly triggering to those recovering from EDs) )

I've been wanting to post this, but dreading the result. I feel sure that one or two of you will judge me -- but you know what? I'm strong enough to handle it. So I'm writing it anyway.

I've gone up about 3 sizes in the past year -- from a 10 to a 13 -- purely because of inactivity. I never overeat (except of course when I go to El Ranchero, which isn't that often) and I don't eat a lot of fats or sweets, but I haven't really been active for almost a year, so I've gained. I'm pretty sure that some of that is natural, since my body is taking on a more womanly form now. From the age of 12 to 21, I fluctuated maybe 10 pounds -- the only thing that changed was my proportions. So it was REALLY weird to me when I first started gaining weight, and I still feel weird, because I don't know where it will stop. But amazingly, the numbers don't matter to me anymore. And astonishingly, the way I look hardly matters to me. I can honestly look at myself and know that I am beautiful as I am, and I wouldn't be any more beautiful if I weighed more or less. Oddly enough, being able to recognize that beauty is not measured in pounds has given me a desire to be more active. I don't want to change my body through ANY method -- and I'd be perfectly happy if I started exercising regularly and did not drop an ounce or lose a centimeter. Instead, I actually want to be active to feel the strength, the flexibility, the power and force of my body. I want to feel free and graceful, and I know that to feel that way I have to gain more control over my muscles. But even if I don't get active, even if I gain more, even if I gain a LOT more, I will still be beautiful.

I attribute my newfound love for my body to curvygirls, which taught me to see all shapes as beautiful, and helped me realize that there is no such thing as a body 'flaw' because there is no ideal and we are all meant to look different; to Hannah, because I've been so inspired by her determined and joyous journey to loving her form; to my own determination to block out unhealthy images and focus on positivity and the natural form; and to photography, for showing me far more truly than the mirror that I carry beauty.

I honestly love my body and would not change it. I would not lose weight in order to change my shape, even if you paid me and I didn't have to put forth any effort. That's love, baby.

( 5 photos from my latest shoot, not dial up friendly but OMG they're actually work safe! )

And several times in the past few months I have met up with someone who hadn't seen me for a long while who has exclaimed over how good I look (which was an unusual comment for each of them). I wonder if they said it because they noticed the weight gain and wanted to reassure me of my beauty (since I used to be very insecure about weight)... or if they noticed the new radiance of my spirit because of the healing/growth I've had in the past year and overlooked my weight, or if they noticed both and liked both, or if they simply thought I looked better with more weight. Hmmm.

I usually cut curvygirls-cross-posted stuff, but not today! I am ranty, hear me roar!

Recently, my breasts changed from a 34DD to a 34E -- and changed greatly in shape. They now swoop down a bit -- and I like that. I think my breasts look more womanly and voluptuous that way. Before we started this theme ("Twin Peaks" -- breasts obviously), I had no idea that it was a common thing for women to be insecure about their breasts leaning down. As I read woman after woman write about it, I started feeling insecure about my own breasts! And that is ridiculous!

Why? Because it is perfectly normal and natural for a woman's breasts to curve down! That is the way they are designed to be when fully matured -- it's far easier for them to perform thier function of feeding a baby that way. We have swallowed the lie that they are supposed to stay 'perky' (the immature teenager breast) forever! Downward-curving breasts are as womanly and natural as hips and belly and thighs and everything else! The only kind of breasts that stay 'perky' forever are silicone ones.

Like I read on the normal breasts website, we are used to seeing breasts in two ways -- lifted and rounded by a bra, under a shirt (the average woman you meet on the street), or in airbrushed, pumped-up photos (in the media). Do you know that first of all, they sometimes use clear tape to lift the breasts in the photoshoot? And then with airbrushing they make them rounder and fuller. That is NOT NORMAL. If they were really that round and full, they'd either lean down or they'd be made of silicone.

I say we LOVE our beautiful normal breasts and stop calling them 'saggy' -- that is such an ugly word. A lot of us are very voluptuous -- our breasts are going to lean down from the weight and that is normal and beautiful. We have learned to love our curvy bellies despite the media's lies that they should be flat -- let's do the same with our breasts!

I have luxuriously, gorgeously slanting breasts, and I am PROUD of them!

I had the bestest day! I got my Supreme Beings of Leisure CD in the mail, AND a beautiful postcard from bluebl00d AND a long letter from boobiequeen!!! Oh that so made my day. ;-) I have the best friends! I can't wait to get enough postcards to actually start my collage. And usually I'm an anticipation person, but I really loved being surprised by Danielle's mail. Thank you Danielle and Vee!

I haven't been very active in my journal the past couple of days because we've had some Drama going on in my community, curvygirls. One member posted a very open, honest expression of how she felt -- that all of the photos of the small curvy girls in the community made her feel uncomfortable. So everyone responded to that, both affirmatively and in disagreement.

Then I posted this, describing my intent for the community.

My intent was that this community be for sizes 7-12 (though I never wrote that down) -- but that intent changed. As people joined and posted their photos and stories, I began to realize that healthy curviness also comes in larger and smaller sizes. My perception of healthy curvy beauty shifted. Yes, I'll admit, seeing images of girls who were thinner than me at first made me very uncomfortable, and I wanted to gently shoo them out -- but I didn't, and instead tried to change my perception. I forced myself to see their healthy (though sometimes very subtle) curves, and as I did, I found myself growing more confident in my own curves. I now believe that it is impossible to truly accept yourself as beautiful until you can see beauty in those who are different from you. Then, and only then, can you love the fact that we are all different and you are unique. And it wasn't just the thinner ones that changed my views -- I began to be able to see those who were heavier than me as beautiful too, which was an amazing breakthrough. Since I had always condemned my own supposedly 'unneccessary' curves, I condemned others too -- and as I accepted others I was more able to accept myself.

This community is for all healthy curvy girls, and for those who wish to become healthy. This means that if you are unhealthily underweight or obese to the point where it seriously inhibits health and mobility, as long as you are (however slowly) heading in the direction of healthy curviness, you are wonderfully welcome here. We happily include those who are naturally smaller or larger.

I hope it was enough to convince those who were uncomfortable with the smaller girls to stay.

and then another member decided to post something that I never got to read, because she edited it to say, "nevermind, this isn't changing anything, just causing pointless debate." Judging by the comments from people who had read it, she was commenting ostensibly on 'health' but displayed some serious judgmentalism -- health is not measured by weight, as she ought to know from having read the medical/health articles posted in the community. I had already been irritated with her attitude (she never commented except to say something negative, and seemed very elitist -- go figure) so I was tempted to ban her -- fortunately, she made the decision for me and left. Good riddance, I say. We don't need that kind of behavior, and until she grows up some, she's only bringing negativity.

I really love this community. I've never seen any group of people who are so willing to compromise, to learn and understand and accept others as they are. They respond to negativity by pouring out postitivity; such an amazing beautiful thing. And they're all so gorgeous! Seriously, I wish I could post some photos here to show you. They're stunning.

Lately I have found myself being irritated by those who say (in a completely well-meaning way) something along the lines of, "Good for you, accepting your body flaws." I want to say, "Excuse me? What flaws?"

I don't believe in 'body flaws.' To believe in them, you have to believe in one single ideal body, and I emphatically do not! I know what I am supposed to look like -- I'm supposed to look like me! And since no one can look more like me than me, I'm as close to perfect as it gets. I don't need to look like anyone else OR any other version of myself.

I don't have flaws -- and neither do you. What we have are differences, and they are what make us beautiful, what make us unique, what make us who we are.

x-posted in curvygirls

warning: may be triggering to those recovering from an ED.

I know there are quite a few people on my flist that are on a diet. Please rest assured that this is not directed at you -- it's just that your recent posts have gotten me thinking.

I am vehemently against 'vanity' weight loss. I firmly believe that if you are trying to lose weight for ANY reason besides health, you shouldn't be doing it. Even if you are 'overweight,' you shouldn't be losing weight for the look of it.

I've read quite a few studies that show that weight is not a good measure of health. Muscle weighs more than fat, and therefore it is highly likely that an athlete would weigh a good deal more than a model of the same height, and be far healthier. Health simply cannot be measured in pounds. I personally believe that the best measure of health is how you can perform athletically -- i.e. walking a few miles without getting seriously winded. If you have plenty of energy and find it easy to walk/run/dance, then in my eyes you're healthy enough.

If you have to devote more than 45 minutes a day to exercise and/or actively restrict what you eat to 'maintain your figure' (not to mention taking diet pills or drugs!), then I think you are fighting your natural body type, and what for? If you don't get joy out of the exercise, why are you doing it? If you aren't an athlete or living in an area where you are routinely chased by lions, what's the point? I think you're just wasting life. We only get so many minutes to live, why waste them doing something you don't like and don't need to do?

I do think it's good to eat reasonably healthy and be moderately active. But you should be able to skip a day (or a few days!) of exercising every now and then, or eat a cookie if you want to.

The weightloss industry is ridiculously lucrative -- and the sad thing is, they make so much of their money off of people who are healthy enough, but still looking to lose 'those last five or ten pounds.' Wanna know why those few pounds keep coming back? Maybe because they're supposed to be there! Most women aren't supposed to have flat bellies or thin thighs or narrow hips!!! I think the percentage of women who have that natural body type is like 9% -- and that's only while they're in their teens and twenties. Women are supposed to have curvy bellies (even if it's just a slight curve) and wider hips and fuller thighs than teenagers. There is nothing shameful or unhealthy about any of that.

If you are wanting to lose weight for health reasons, I say more power to you. But don't try to pretend that you need to lose ten pounds 'for health' -- those few pounds aren't going to make a difference. They won't even make a difference in the way you view yourself -- because if you can't accept yourself as beautiful at ten pounds over what is supposed to be your 'ideal' weight, then you aren't going to be able to do it while fighting your body to keep it under where it wants to be.

My belief: Eat right, be active, and whatever form your body takes on, that is the form it was meant to have.

public service announcement!

Wednesday, October 19th, is Love Your Body Day!!! I'm making a hongo 3.5 inch button to wear to work, and another smaller one in case Dani is there, so she can wear it. What are YOU going to do to celebrate this fabulous day?

If I thought I could get away with it, I'd make a ton of smaller pins and give them away to anyone who showed interest. Actually, I might do that next year... this year it crept up on me but NEXT year I'm writing it on the frickin' calendar!

This summer has been very difficult body-wise, despite all the wonderful positivity I've been surrounding myself with. I think part of that is that I know I grew very out of shape and unhealthy -- and I've always had a complex about being fit, due to my dad being a marine who thought that I was a marine too. Spending 5 months doing almost zero physical activity will take a toll on your body. I was pretty much housebound, partly because of sharing the car with Ben and partly because I just became agoraphobic. Dealing with the sexual abuse was so much on my mind, and I was driven by the fear of it happening again. I'm somewhat better now, but not the fearless soul I used to be. I used to believe with every ounce of my being that if someone tried to rape me, God would send angels to stop them. Well... I don't believe that anymore, and so all I have to rely on is my own puny self.

Anyway, lack of activity added pounds (I don't know how many because I believe that scales belong in the doctor's office, thank you) -- for the first time I can really remember. From age 12 to 20, my weight was the same. My shape changed, but I could always wear the same pants size and dress size. So my body's sudden growth to the point where I can no longer wear my old pants just freaked me out -- I had never experienced that before! And I'm left bewildered because I don't know what my body 'should' look like. (my pastor says 'should' is the nastiest curse word ever coined, and I agree!) Am I meant to be a size 8 or a size 12? I suppose getting back into shape will tell me that. And no, I don't need to work out everyday to get in shape.

My body's already changed just because I've been working -- my waist is more defined and my belly is more shapely (not flatter! Just more shapely, I don't know how to explain it) and I am getting this adorable little dip between my ribcage and belly. I'm really falling in love with my body in a way I never have before.

I looked at some photos of me at age 19 the other day and I was 'triggered.' I never had an ED, but I had an addiction to self-hate, and I was so tempted to hate my current self, looking at those old photos. How could I ever have thought of myself as fat? Good grief! I was actually pretty slim -- not skinny by any means, but slender enough. So when I looked at those photos I just wanted to start cursing myself out, calling myself all kinds of horrible names... and at the same time I felt so much regret, having wasted all that time hating myself when I should have been enjoying my sweet little body.

BUT! I refused to self-hate, and looked at those photos with new eyes. I had a cute body then -- but now I have a womanly body. My nineteen-year-old body had almost no hips, and my breast size was at least three sizes smaller. I've become a woman, and there is nothing unhealthy or shameful about that. I love my hips, I love my breasts, I love my ass, and I like my belly! I love my curves and I don't want to lose them.

I have come so far.

I have been wearing makeup (eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara) to work lately, mostly because it makes me feel like work is a fun thing that I get to do, not a chore that I have to do. Also I just like wearing it nowadays because I feel like it's an expression of my self-love. I love myself enough to decorate me.

I have gotten SO MANY compliments lately!

The other day, I was checking out a couple (how you doin'?) and the guy asked his ladyfriend, "Why can't all of the cashiers be as cute and friendly as her?" She said, "I know!" and he told me, "We usually get all the cranky old ladies who hate their jobs." Suddenly the woman looked at me sharply and asked in a very serious tone, "Do you like your job?" I got all flustered, thinking that she was offended that I was friendly-smiley at her guy and was threatening to get me fired. So I stammered, "yes..." with a very perplexed look on my face. He added, "She's serious" and I thought, 'oh shit.' She asked me again and I said yes a little more firmly. Then he explained that she was a manager at Ruby Tuesdays and was looking to steal me from Wal-mart. I laughed and said that I'll take that as a compliment (but I am so not interested in working at a restaurant, and I can't leave Wal-mart right now 'cause I just got back here).

Then later that day, ( I got asked for my number for the first time in my life )

Yesterday, a hot guy with shoulder-length braids (I find long hair on a guy so sexy) told me I had beautiful eyes, and a very friendly, mentally handicapped girl told me that I was 'so beautiful' -- and I don't think she was capable of lying. What an amazing thing that is, what a blessing she must be to her parents, with her sweetness and honesty. Her dad was with her, and although my heart usally contracts in fear for the handicapped (there's no one more vulnerable, and I know how common abuse is), I felt nothing but purity in their relationship, and it made me so happy.
AND a lady who's known me since I first started working last year came up to me and asked me, "Can I tell you something?" I said sure and she said, "Take this however you want... I think you are so pretty." I said "Thank you!" and she said, "I'm not weird or anything." I agreed and told her that I believe if you think something nice about someone, you should tell them. She said that she had thought that since she first met me, and just wanted to tell me that. I thanked her again and felt so lovely.

Then today! A man told me "You look great" and another man complimented my eyes, and a lady complimented my jewelry and told me that I was beautiful (in a sort of off-hand way, she said the earrings I was wearing looked beautiful on me but then I was beautiful.) She also asked me what I charged to make earrings like that, so I gave her a card and told her to check out my website. She was very enthusiastic. And I gave Maria (a co-worker) a business card yesterday and she came in today and told me (in passing) that she liked the earrings I had on my site.

Good grief that's a lot of compliments for two days! AND I had a lady exclaim to me in the parking lot "You cut your hair!" I was shocked and flattered to be remembered by this stranger, even though I think she was rather appalled that I had cut it short. ;-)

( website stuff )

I just bought my first red bra! and officially boycotted 'Victoria's Secret' (read that in a snotty tone) because of their emaciated mannequins. It's not enough that they have mannequins that are far, far thinner than the average woman, no, they have to add protruding bones! BONES on a fucking MANNEQUIN. I was FURIOUS. I looked around for a helpless employee on whom to vent my wrath, but got too fed up and ended up marching out of the store. I went to Fredricks of Hollywood (who have a much wider range of colors anyway, VS only carries my size in black and nude), who will be getting my business from now on. And I plan to bad-mouth VS to anyone who will listen. Fuckers.

Phone is still off, after talking to three different people. I'm (possibly) going into an official store tomorrow. We're definitely switching phone companies, unless they do back flips to make up for all this. Maybe even then. grrr. I was missing aubkabob's voice so much that I listened to her songs a few times. Weird since we've only talked once, but still true.

I have so much I want to post about... I might just break my personal rule and post several in a row. But they won't all be as complainy as this!

And omg, I LOVE this thing that jamina1 introduced me to -- http://www.last.fm/user/belenen/ It shows everything you listen to on the computer and keeps stats! So very cool! I'm excited.

I went to Wal-Mart the other day, and at the customer service desk I chatted with the girls for a bit, about my much shorter hair, and other things. Then one girl asks me,

"Are you pregnant?"

Slight pause, I laugh a little and say no, and she gets that look on her face that says omg-I-can't-believe-I-did-that. Then she says, "Are you sure?" and I say casually, "No, I'm just bloated" (on the first day of my period all my ab muscles refuse to work at all) and then the other girl changes the subject.

And I didn't even feel self-conscious. Read that sentence a few times! I didn't even suck it in! I wasn't an