I had an incredible experience last night. I was leaving a shop as a guy walked in, and I felt a connection with him, so I smiled at him but kept on walking. As I was in the parking lot headed toward my car, the guy hurried out of the store and called out to me. He told me that God had a message that he wanted him to give to me, so I said okay and waited to hear it. He said that God wanted me to know that [ze] loved me and that [ze] knew about the dolphins, or something about dolphins (he had the image of a dolphin). I thought that was REALLY interesting because someone recently told me that my primary totem was a dolphin and I immediately wrote her off as a quack because I feel little about dolphins. But this is the second sign and they certainly couldn't have known each other. I'm still not sure if that actually means it is a totem of mine, or if these people are 'reading' my connection with Hannah (whom I also associate with dolphins). I told him that someone had recently told me that dolphin was one of my totems (inwardly thinking "oh no, now he's going to be all 'pure' Christian and start telling me how other beliefs are evil") and he asked what a totem was (???) and I tried to explain it, doing a clumsy job. He didn't seem to get it but he didn't seem to be judgmental about it either.

He also asked me if I knew about Jesus and I said yes, that I had been saved since I was four (so easily do I speak Christian-ese), and then he asked if I was Catholic, which I thought was a really weird question. I said no and asked him if HE was, he said no. Then I asked if he had a church nearby because I had been looking for one, and he did -- within walking distance of where we were. I asked what it was like and he started talking about healings and miracles, which I think is a great bonus but it is not something I need in a church. He was really excited about it though, and I just wanted to HUG him (I kinda wished he hadn't been Christian because then I would have felt free to hug him, oh the irony -- the church has a misunderstanding of what 'lust' is and how to avoid it) for having so much faith and love and courage to share with a stranger. I miss that sense of putting yourself in God/dess' hands and just acting in faith. I still do it in some ways, but there is this... sense of security that comes from acting in tandem with a church. Faith is greater when it is shared. I asked him what the worship was like and he said it was like Deliriou5, which sold me. He showed me where it was and I said I'd come that evening (they were having a special service).

The worship was fucking incredible! These people know how to do it! GOD/DESS, I've missed this. There is absolutely nothing like people passionately singing and dancing in love and faith. These people ROCKED OUT and not just the children, and not just the females, but EVERYONE. Even in all the Christian places I've been, I've never seen males dance in worship like that. Or rather, I've seen one here and there, but never all together in unity, never so unselfconsciously.

Imagine a rock concert where everyone is believing in faith-love-beauty-life, everyone is deliberately bringing out the best in themselves (rather than the worst, as is often in secular concerts). Imagine feeling that! If you've never gotten sweaty and disheveled from worshiping wildly in tandem with others, you are missing out. (not saying that other things aren't just as good -- saying that this is a great thing too!) This was the closest thing to a Benjamin Gate concert that I have been to since they disbanded. And they had the most incredible drummer, holy fuck, I was transported. And. they sang this song, which made my spirit shriek in joy:

( dance, dance! let the spirit move you! )

After that they gave testimonies of healings, which sounded amazing ( about the healing and the message from the speaker )

The church I've been visiting hosted a "Burning Bowl" ceremony on New Year's Eve; we wrote down what we needed to let go of from the past year, and then burned the paper. Ben and I wrote ours at home and then went to the church just to burn the negative bits of 2007. (He wasn't comfortable staying so we left right afterward)

I am such a "compulsive excavator of my own emotional navel lint" and a "nit-picking, obsessive truth-teller" that I didn't expect any surprises from this exercise, but it has completely turned me inside out. All my snarled, unraveled bits are sticking out and I can't see any pattern to this unholy mess! I'm slowly twisting myself right-side-out again, but damn! If you try this, be prepared for a flood of ghosts and maybe enough darkness to blind you for a while.

( the shadows and ghosts of 2007 )

Oh, and earlier that day I was at the store and the cashier asked me what I was doing for New Year's -- when I told her, she said "maybe I need to do that" and I told her that if she wanted to write it down I would burn it for her. I didn't expect her to take me up on it because that seems like a lot of faith to put in a stranger, but she did! It seemed like it was a turning point for her ♥ It was definitely meant to be -- I originally went into a different line, then switched to hers even though it was longer.

I also wrote a thank-you note to God/dess for the wonderful things that will happen in 2008 -- I plan to put that letter away and open it at the end of next year.

( the joys to come in 2008 )

I've been looking forward to this year because the number 8 is a spiritually significant number for me. I'm not sure what this year will bring, but I feel it will be amazing. I have a lot of new goals, and they feel closer than before -- thanks to all the growth-inducing pain of 2007.

LJ idol topic 8: "What the New Year Will Bring" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me!))

Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: ( my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.

one of the first photos taken with my NEW Sony Cybershot DSC-W80!!! I loooooooooooove her!

( me and Spydra -- and raving about her awesome features! )

About a year ago, I stopped going to Liberty because of an argument I had with the pastor. After a week or two, the co-pastors of the service I went to sent me a card saying they missed me, and then two weeks after that, sent me a plant (along with another card). I was very touched by the fact that they noticed my absence and went to such trouble to reach out to me (and I wondered if pastor Beth had told them, since she was around during the argument). I kept the plant, and it slowly became symbolic for me. It seemed to wax and wane according to the health of my spirit (probably because when I was spiritually low I never remembered to water it). So now I think of it as my 'spirituality plant.'

I had been meaning to re-pot it for ages, and finally got the pot and soil day before yesterday. In the bottom of the pot you're supposed to put stones or something to allow for better drainage, so I looked around for something to put in and saw these five stones that someone in my support group (from 2 years ago) had given me, with words on them -- 'peace,' 'you are beautiful' -- etc. They seemed ridiculously appropriate so I put them in along with some glass beads that I probably wouldn't use. When I tapped the plant loose from its old pot, there was almost no soil left! it was all roots! and they were so thick! I have no idea how that plant managed to stay so healthy with no nutrients. Loosening the roots took strong pulls because they were so tangled. I've replanted quite a bit thanks to my mom, but I've never seen roots so hard to separate.

It all seemed very symbolic of me -- I've outgrown my old 'pot' and have been living in too small a world, for so long that my roots have gotten tangled up with each other and I have run out of nutrients. By exploring new churches, making renewed effort with friends, and starting this women's group, I'm untangling and stretching out my roots to be nourished again. You should see how happy that plant looks in its new pot!


( me and my spirituality plant )

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- Nimajneb and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited Nimajneb and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

belated Happy Birthday to sabr, _paroxysm_, and delicatexflower! I may have missed saying it, but I saw your names on my little mini-calendar and thought of you all day. *lovelove*

I've been strange lately! waking up at 5am and then falling asleep about 12 hours later! My waking cycle is usually at least 18 hours, not 12. I have no idea why I've been so drained... bleh! but anyway. The penii rant is almost finished & will be posted soon *giggles* thanks to everyone who voted! I was excited to see who was most interested in what.

Last night I dreamed that I met two faeries, one who was about my height, without wings, and had skin that was like mine but opalescent, and a small blue-skinned blue-haired one, about knee height, who had wings and glowed blue with sparkles. The glow had defined edges, it wasn't like the glow of a lamp. The taller one gave me a glowing seed of a tree to plant and the smaller one came along with me to help me plant the seed. We were in Ben's parent's neighborhood (sorta) and one of the houses had a tree that I wanted to show to the faery, so we walked into their side yard. The tree was huuuge, much taller than the house, and some of the branches were partly hollow, with an open-weave side. I was very excited because the faery could live there, and she'd be much closer to my house (which was also in the neighborhood) and the larger faery could live there too. So she climbed it and looked around, also very excited, because it would be a really good home tree. I looked into the house and saw this red-headed girl messing with the fire in the fireplace. She looked like she was amused by something, in a kind of sardonic way. I felt like that was a good sign, and we decided to leave. When we got to the road the tall faery was with us again, and as we were walking by, this really old nasty cranky guy came out of the house and told us that we "better not come back and mess with [his] property anymore." (there was a girl and boy peeking past him at us as he stood in the doorway) I got very angry, but noticing a 'for sale' sign in the yard, I restrained myself and bent over to whisper to the blue faery that it doesn't matter because he's moving soon anyway. He shouldn't have been able to hear me but somehow did and said "oh really? it doesn't matter because we're moving out soon?" and I turned and furiously screamed at him to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and then we kept on walking. Then we were suddenly in a car, going up the hill, and at the top of the hill we stopped, and started taking stuff out of the car. Some friends had come to meet us and they asked "why are you upset?" so I started telling them the story, and then Ben woke me up.

hm, this has turned into a very dreamy journal lately... I had thought of making a dream journal, but I like seeing where the dreams fit in my life. These recent ones have all had very strong significance, so I haven't lj-cut them, but I may if this keeps up. This is the fourth dream involving trees ♥ and I feel like I am learning something, though I haven't figured out what yet.

eek eeek eeeek!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to two of the women at my church who are organizing a panel discussion called "Going Beyond Your Weight," offering to speak. now I am so jittery-nervous-eeeeeeeeeeek... especially since one of the women is the wife to the pastor. ( here's the email )

and in the jittery but body-positive spirit of the moment, a new curvygirls shirt design! Same quote as an older design, but more eye-catching.

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

there's all this happy stuff I want to post about, but today has been such a painful day.

( pre-today leftover emotions, missing Ren Fest )

THEN we went to church, and I got very upset with the sermon, so afterward I went up to talk to Pastor John. One of the main points of his sermon was that 'reaching the lost' was our highest calling as humans. I told him that I think that is 80% correct, that sharing our truth with others and helping them find God was a huge part of our main calling, but that our primary purpose is simpler -- just to love. I believe sharing truth is a huge part of love, but it is not all, and it is not the most important thing. I referred to Mark 12:30-31 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." The verb in these commandments, the commandments that replace old testament, is LOVE. And Jesus himself said that there was NO GREATER COMMANDMENT. That should be pretty clear! Love is primary, love is first, love encompasses anything and everything. The Bible also says, "God is Love" -- how then can there be ANYTHING greater than love??? to say so is to say that something is greater than God. 1 John 4:7-8 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." LOVE is our calling, our purpose, our reason for life! PJ listened at first, nodding as I spoke of the importance of love, but when I said it was more important than 'reaching the lost' he didn't agree.

He started talking about being 'fruitful' and went on for a bit about how he had seen more people get saved since he gained his new way of looking at the goal of life, and I realized that we have a fundamental difference. I don't love people with the goal of leading them to Jesus, I love them for the sake of the God that made them and the amazing, phenominal, unique, incredibly valuable spirit that they are. Whether or not they turn to Jesus is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. That is THEIR choice -- my responsibility is just to offer as much love as I can, and if they ask, to tell them what I know of how to reconnect with God.

( then he said some stuff that hurt, though I don't think he intended to hurt at all )

Nimajneb and I had loooooooooong twisting painful conversation about all of it, but ended up with supporting each other and realizing that we are both on the cusp of major change. He's such an amazing husband, without him I just wouldn't be. And he's growing so much.