Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*



Just one photo for now, but ( not to worry, there are many more to come... )

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.

Twice recently I've dreamed about Foreman (after marathoning my way through House M.D.). In the first dream, I was a mocha-skinned Goddess (literally, in the reality of the dream I was superhuman) in a jungle-y area (wtf?) -- it was apparently my temple and he was there to worship. I think he sang for me, or recited poetry in my honor? he was much thicker than in real life, wearing only a blue loincloth that draped down to the floor (I'm embarrassed at recounting this, it seems so dreadfully stereotyped). The thing I noticed most was the cellulite on his butt and the back of his thighs, and I thought it was very intriguing and sexy how he was both muscular and plush. It's been a while so I don't remember much else, but he was very seductive and I was very appreciative. ;-)

The second dream I had of him was very short and simple -- I was alone and scared in a dark parking lot, and then I saw him he held his arms out to me. I ran over to him and he gave me the most amazing, enveloping hug -- he lifted me off of the ground, but it wasn't rib-crushing like it would have been in real life. It lasted a long time and was sooooo wonderful.

( confronting my mom about her ED )

( abstract sex-representation, unsatisfying )

I dreamed that I woke up to a cobra in the bed! It bit Ben and then me. I was really worried and said we needed to go to the hospital but Ben said no, this kind is not deadly on the first bite, but only on the second or third. So I said that he needed to kill it with his axe, chop off it's head, but he said no, we can just keep it in a safe place. We put it in an aquarium with two levels, and duct-taped the wire mesh top on (with my purple duct tape). Suddenly I was very excited to have a pet cobra, had no more fear and felt so much love for it! Then I walked out of the room for something and when I came back in, my male bio-sibling had put the cobra in a four-level aquarium with no openings between levels, and put the cobra in the bottom level which was filled with water. The poor cobra had to poke his nose into the half-centimeter of air between the bottom level and the second level (which for some reason had a miniature manatee). I went over and looked at the cobra, and he smiled at me (impossible, but not in my head! it was more adorable than a kitten) and I felt this magical connection between us and knew it wouldn't bite me again. I suddenly got very angry that male bio-sib would do that to my cobra, and I dismantled the aquarium and started to re-build it. Then I woke.

I'm rather baffled by this one, considering that the Cobra is possibly my strongest spirit shape.

last night I dreamed I met this amazing girl and we made plans for a date. She came up to me the morning of and reminded me that we had a date at 8pm, and I was like, "oh yeah! of course I'll be there!" ...and then I forgot. What is WRONG with me? Good lord. I can only meet girls who like me in dreams and then I flake on them. *rolls eyes*

in other news I recently fell in LOVE with Paul Rudd after seeing him in "I Could Never Be Your Woman." I've always liked him (since "Clueless" way back in '95) but it took this movie to really send me head over heels. and I tumbled even more after learning that he had to lose 25 pounds for the role! Which means he is usually thicker than Hollywood likes. He didn't look any different to me, but then I'm not Hollywood, am I. I guess they had to make him 'match' Pfeiffer better. Because people only get with people of similar size? FUCK HOLLYWOOD! I'm in a weird mood. back to the movie -- I loved the little girl's parodies, especially the one of Britney, haha! "Oops, I got a career / by shakin' my rear / and making guys leer / oh baby, baby"** Michelle Pfeiffer was okay, but I didn't like her character much. I tend to get annoyed with self-hate in movies.

Then I went out and saw "Over Her Dead Body" all by myself tonight (*pout* lonely *sadface*) which was only okay. I didn't think Paul fit in that role very well. But I enjoyed watching him all the same. SO. BEAUTIFUL. He has officially replaced Ryan Phillippe and Lee Pace as my favorite actor. There's just something about him that is so genuine. and of course I've always swooned over green eyes. But it's his smile that really gets me. He joins Angelina as being one of those people that if they smile, I have to smile in response. *dreamy sigh*

( sharing the gorgeousness that is Paul Rudd mmmmm (one is possibly NWS but nothing showing) )

**disclaimer: I have nothing but sympathy for Britney, since she has been just a pawn in a horrible game, but I still find the irony amusing. ;-)

I've been having REPEAT dreams lately, which is very frustrating to me. It makes me feel stagnant and drained. In almost all of these, I am being hunted in some way... one where people were shooting at me (Angelina was in that one? she was trying to save me but she couldn't, it was something only I could handle), one where someone was trying to rape me (but I got away when I got outside and started flying, then I had to come back and videotape him trying to get another girl so that he would go to jail), and one where I (as a child) and a bunch of others were going to be executed just because a guy liked executing children.

The previous time I had that last dream, ( ... )

every now and then, I have these dreams which are more real than life, that stay with me for days afterward. Last Thursday I had one of those... I've been treasuring it in my heart and slowly imbibing the magic of it.

( beautiful dream )

I went to south GA, where I spent my early childhood, and met Nea! We went exploring in the woods (bridges through swampy areas, dark like old forests are) and came upon a semi-deserted strip mall. As we walked down the street I noticed a flyer saying Missy Higgins was coming to town in about two weeks, and we excitedly discussed the possibility of Nea coming back to town for the concert (I think I was offering to pay, or knew of a way it wouldn't be too expensive). We moved on from the teeeeeeeeeeeeny town and came upon a lake/pond where about 20 of Nea's friends were (!?!). We all got in the water, me naked of course -- cops came around but I managed to escape notice by putting my arms on top of my (cartoonishly) buoyant breasts and submerging myself. Then the cops left and we all got out of the water and lounged on the bank in a large circle, talking. One of her friends joked about the difference between male and female (something not-body-related), which pissed me off since I don't believe in that shit, but I kept my mouth shut. THEN he made some 'joke' about having sex with her, and I turned to her and said, "You better kick his ass! ... unless he was talking to someone else," because I realized he didn't specify who he was talking to and there were two other girls sitting next to Nea. (this whole dream happened at night, but it must have been a full moon because it was easy to see)

( Hannah and I spend lovely time, she leaves and doesn't know why, I talk to her about being disassociative, encourage grieving )

My year started off badly -- I woke up crying from a dream. In the dream, I saw an old friend and she saw me but didn't recognise/respond to me. I realized that I have never gotten over the loss of her -- maybe because I still don't know why she decided to cut contact. I'm still hurt over it and I'm not really sure what to do about it... I don't know how to let it go.

I also got bad news from my little sister, though that was actually New Year's Eve so technically 2007. I'm so frustrated that I can't help her.

I want a fresh start, dammit!

I was at a gathering of some kind, looking at art on the wall as we waited for the speaker to arrive. A guy came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me -- at first I thought it was Ben, but when I turned to smile at him I realized it wasn't. I pushed him off and demanded to know who he was, but he just smiled at me and said nothing. I asked a few more times but he still said nothing and I got infuriated, shoved him down on the ground and stood on his chest, demanding that he tell me his name. He still just smiled (not in a condescending or sneery way, but with seeming affection) and eventually I gave up and just walked off.

I took a seat at a table along with everyone else, and began listening to the speaker. I happened to glance to my left and saw the same guy sitting next to me, watching me, and I felt love coming from him so I didn't get mad or feel threatened. I turned my attention to the speaker, ignoring him, but a few minutes later I glanced at him again and he was still smiling at me. For the first time I looked into his eyes and saw that he had one brown eye (right) and one blue eye (left), and I felt a deep sense of recognition, and swiftly following it a feeling of love so intense that I couldn't speak. I wanted to tell him that I loved him but I couldn't get out more than "I..." He opened his arms to me and I hugged him tightly, a hug that lasted a long time.

wow. I got WAY behind in my commenting lately. I finally got caught up with most of it today, except for the screened-comment posts. Those comments mean SO MUCH to me, so I really hope you don't feel ignored by me not commenting back -- there's just so much emotion there I am not sure I'll be able to. But every comment meant a lot to me ♥ thank you. You give me strength when I need it most. I'm really amazed at the amount of love and understanding you've given. *hugs kisses cuddles*

I feel like I've pushed past a block; I've actually been communicating! with responding to comments and IMing. (I still have a bunch of emails to respond too though, I don't know what it is about email but I always procrastinate!) SabR emailed me last week ♥ and then talked with me, and a few days ago I talked with Kazi for the first time in a long time. There's still a lot of distance there, but communication is open again which is really wonderful. And then today I had the serendipity to check my email at the exact moment that Meliae was on, and we chatted for a while, a strange combination of text chat and soundless video (because I couldn't find my mic). That was really sweet ♥ no one has ever been able to read me like she does! It takes me aback every time (and makes me wonder if that is how other people feel when I read them). I hate that she lives an ocean away, but I'm glad we're back in contact.

Lately I was thinking about all the LJ friends I've dreamed of:

( friends who've showed up in my dreams! )

If you've ever dreamed of me, tell me about it here! :D

Someone (don't know who) sent me a package (to a house where I apparently lived with my mom and lil sis). Inside was a pen which wrote beautifully in rainbow colors, one color flowing at a time. I wrote my name (but I can't remember what it was) and kept on making swirls, fascinated. Then I noticed that each color wasn't just a flat wash of ink -- it was tiny shapes of flowers and vines and other plants. I realized this pen dispensed magic, and I began to put the ink on everything (it was able to spray) -- after I realized it was magic the ink began to flow glitter also. There were little faery figurines laying around (I think I had a huge collection of them) and as I sprayed the magic ink on them they came 'back' alive -- apparently they had been spelled into plastic and pewter. I ran outside and began spraying everything -- plants sprouted blossoms of all kinds of bright colors, things shot to life, everything was saturated in swirly living color and glitter. I started to think it would run out, but then I thought to myself that when it did, the magic would still be in the world, so I continued to spray everything with wild abandon, though I sprayed the faeries lightly instead of saturating them, so that I could make sure each faery came alive.



there is really nothing that can compare to the beauty of that dream... imagine this
as vivid glowing light, dancing in the air, becoming the skin of delighted faeries and vibrant plants,
flowing into water, living and breathing in multidimensional shapes and continuously flowing color,
each tiniest speck of color being alive...

I don't know who all was sending me magic, but DAMN. You did a good job! Every time I think of that dream it uplifts me. (special thanks to Ava, Kevloid, and Spydie whom I know sent magic ♥ (and an ice cream llama, but I'm not so sure about that))

The phone rang and woke me, so I didn't get to find out if the pen did in fact run out. I'll choose to believe that it wouldn't.

I've had AMAZINGLY intricate dreams lately.

I was at a giant house with a bunch of kids (I was younger, maybe 11) including my brother and Sam (one of Ben's brothers). My brother was tormenting me so I went to hide in a strange little room, high upstairs (possibly the attic?) and I was alone for a while until Sam came along and started annoying me also! I closed the curtains of the windows to the hallway, and he responded by unlatching the room from the house. At first I was a little scared, but then I realized I was on the deck of an airship. It was just plain wooden boards underfoot, a wood banister all the way around, and a wheel that floated above the floor without any regard for gravity. The only other thing in sight was the servant-of-all-work, who told me that the airship chose its own captain and would obey no other. It sent the wheel to me, so I took it and began traveling around -- zooming over land and skimming rivers. As it was closing in on night, I pulled in to a hotel (!!) and hooked up my ship. (at this point I panned out a bit and saw that the airship looked like a regular house with a flat deck on top instead of a roof, and a slightly tilted bottom) The steward took me downstairs (despite the featureless deck?) and I was happy to discover that I had heaps of gold coins everywhere. Suddenly I realized this was a pirate ship, and that I would have to figure out some other way of getting money to run it because I wasn't going to steal. I had the idea of being a messenger/transporter/buyer for the ridiculously rich, and sent my steward to invite the local princess and her entourage for dinner. He came back with a cook and two FLUFFY kittens, and at first I was like, eh, I like non-fluffy cats, but I couldn't send them away so I kept them anyway (the airship conveniently had a small room just for them!). Shortly after that, the princess arrived, and we all sat down to a super fancy dinner (including the cook and steward because I'm no snob!). Then I woke up!

----

I was walking through a forest in gorgeously sunny weather (definitely in GA) and came upon this guy with absolutely perfect lips. I stared for a moment, utterly entranced, and then asked if I could kiss him. He looked at me a little oddly and asked why, and I laughed and said "because I want to!" He said okay, so I kissed him -- it went on forever and was a deliriously beautiful experience. I felt everything at once -- the intimacy of his mouth, the sweetness of sharing something so lovely, the warmth of the sun in the air and the earth, the friendliness and protection of the trees. I felt so much love and perfection in that moment. And even though I didn't recognize this guy, I felt like we had a history, had incredibly passionate, genuine love for each other.

Then the scene switched and I was in a cave, trying to find the guy. I finally did and was surprised that he didn't look how I remembered him -- I hadn't paid any attention to anything except his lips, so I don't know why I thought he looked different when I hadn't noticed his looks before, but he was definitely darker-skinned and possibly shorter, with different facial features. I wanted to kiss him again but these enemies arrived and put him in chains, and a dragon/magician turned me into a mermaid so that we couldn't be together (in that dreamworld humans and merpeople did not have compatible genitalia). I fell into a pool in the cave and watched as they took him away.

The scene switched again and I was human, mediating a dispute among neighboring countries. They were fighting over who could use the road that divided them, so I instructed them to set up small walls along each side of the road, and people could only use the road for traveling (not for living on?) -- to measure this, they had to be on a horse or in a carriage. Then I supervised as they began work, and some of my friends were there helping to build the road barriers. I can't remember exactly who, but I know there was a guy, a girl, and delicatexflower, and I think Ben was also there. I told them about the guy with the amazing lips and mentioned that I thought it was odd that it was a guy and not a girl, 'cause I didn't expect to fall for any guy other than Ben. (they kinda listened and nodded without really saying anything) Then I noticed several holes in the stone we were working on, and wasps swarmed out of the hole and landed all over me. I froze, hoping they wouldn't sting me, and floated in the air so as not to crush any and invoke their wrath. delicatexflower started picking them off, and I was afraid they'd sting her but then she told me that they weren't wasps at all -- they were spiders. I didn't believe her because I could feel their rotten little feet and threatening wings on me, but then she showed me one. She was pulling them off of me by grabbing their trail of thread and pulling it. They were actually pretty (black and red, but not black widows, with non-spindly, non-bulbous, non-hairy bodies), but they were layered between my clothes and skin so I just held still and let her get them off of me. I did take off the few I could see.

theindiequeen and I were hired by my aunt Mary to prepare a MASSIVE tree for moving it, because it would be better off elsewhere. The ground was so wet that mud was at least an inch deep, and it was still continuing to rain. (there was water flowing among its roots, like a stream (not from the rain) -- I've dreamed that before!) We were trying to hurry as we washed it off (I think we were washing it? we were touching all the bark but it doesn't make sense to be washing it, and we weren't using soap...), because we wanted to finish before it started pouring again (it was sprinkling at the time). I noticed that Sara was scrubbing off the lichen, and I stopped her, saying that it was beneficial to the tree (?), and we continued to wash. I put a chain around the tree and then it occurred to me that aunt Mary wasn't a trustworthy person at all, and perhaps she just SAID she was moving it when really she wanted to cut it down? I panicked, because I loved the tree so much, and started crying. I was unsure whether to continue in hopes of helping the tree by moving it, or stopping because I didn't want it to get cut down. (I also realized that we could wash all around but we couldn't wash anything higher than we could reach, since we had no ladder) I decided that I had to just do what I could and hope that Mary would help, since it was on her property and I had no way of saving the tree if she wanted to cut it down. So I hugged it and communed with it, and tried to get Sara to take photos of me with it, even though I was worried about my camera getting wet. I was willing to risk it! But then she turned into someone else and didn't want to take photos of me, only herself, and I took it back and attempted to photograph myself with it (though I only got a slice of bark -- that tree was easily thick enough to have five of me wrap arms around it, fingertips barely touching).

( what dreammoods has to say about the symbols )

I heard a 'baaa' from a shed, so I peeked inside but didn't see anything and started to walk away. Then I heard it again and looked in once more, and realized it was a rattlesnake making a SHEEP noise (snake in sheep's clothing?). I turned to flee (running/flying) but the snake was very fast and bit my heel. Not to be outdone, I performed a feat of amazing flexibility in bringing my mouth next to my heel and biting him right back! (luckily in dream-reality it took a few seconds to get the venom flowing, so he hadn't poisoned me yet) I bit him sideways in a way that forced his jaw open, and after I had freed my heel I pinched his top and bottom jaw together so he couldn't bite me, and considered what to do. I started walking toward the house with the intent to flush him down the toilet (!) when I woke up.

significant: Cobra is my totem, but I have never liked rattlesnakes. dreammoods.com says they represent the passage of time... hmmm.

You may all now sigh with envy: last night I dreamed that I met Dani from A Shot At Love at my favorite coffeeshop. We started talking and then she became my girlfriend! :D :D :D (and then there were earthquakes, but I'm not sure that had anything to do with it...) But then I went to the coffeeshop today and she wasn't there *pouts* Wish I could remember more of the dream!


forgive my immaturity but OMG HOTT!!!
(and she's a firefighter -- how awesome is that??)

( I make up a song and sing/dance sensually to it to please myself )

This one speaks to me of satisfying myself creatively -- that my artistic ventures are enough to fulfill me.

I dreamed that I was watching a movie that was slow and dull for the most part, but at the end Angelina had a small part. She was in the early stages of pregnancy, so she was rounded, and she was playing what I first thought was the glass harmonica and then realized was the harpsichord. She was playing naked, on a dark stage with a spotlight on her (in a concert hall?), in the movie, and after she finished the song, the scene shifted.

We were on this tropical island with a huge house, and it was all mine. We were exploring and I was amazed that I owned such a huge and beautiful place (we entered the island through a series of really long narrowish (bike width) wooden bridges). We went walking along the beach, being playful and teasing, and ended up rolling around in the shallows. I came on to her and she responded in kind, and we went deeper into the water, and I was holding her up as we kissed & etc. Then she said she was cold, so I suggested that maybe she should dry off, and we walked back up to the shore and she dried off. I started to reach for her and she kinda shrank back and said, "oh, I don't, I don't know," and I stopped and looked at her, and she saw that I was hurt/confused and said to me, "You did everything right, it wasn't that..." I looked into her eyes a little bit longer, and she apologized and said "I don't know what to say..." and we came to this kitchen counter that was in the middle of nowhere (on the beach!) and she sat on one side of the sink and I sat on the other. I looked at her and asked, "Is it because you feel that I might betray you for money?" and she didn't want to say it, but she kind of nodded, so I started to explain why I would never ever, EVER do something like that. I told her that I wouldn't even be tempted, because money isn't the thing I love most, what I love most are connections. and while I'd probably tell my close friends (thinking of LJ) because it was an important event in my life, I wouldn't tell fans or make it public. I said that the connection I would have with her would be far more important than any amount of money or fame, and I wouldn't do anything that might cause me to lose that connection. I could tell that she believed me, but before she had a chance to respond I WOKE UP. dammit.

I think it's pretty clear that in this dream she represents a part of my psyche.

belated Happy Birthday to sabr, _paroxysm_, and delicatexflower! I may have missed saying it, but I saw your names on my little mini-calendar and thought of you all day. *lovelove*

I've been strange lately! waking up at 5am and then falling asleep about 12 hours later! My waking cycle is usually at least 18 hours, not 12. I have no idea why I've been so drained... bleh! but anyway. The penii rant is almost finished & will be posted soon *giggles* thanks to everyone who voted! I was excited to see who was most interested in what.

Last night I dreamed that I met two faeries, one who was about my height, without wings, and had skin that was like mine but opalescent, and a small blue-skinned blue-haired one, about knee height, who had wings and glowed blue with sparkles. The glow had defined edges, it wasn't like the glow of a lamp. The taller one gave me a glowing seed of a tree to plant and the smaller one came along with me to help me plant the seed. We were in Ben's parent's neighborhood (sorta) and one of the houses had a tree that I wanted to show to the faery, so we walked into their side yard. The tree was huuuge, much taller than the house, and some of the branches were partly hollow, with an open-weave side. I was very excited because the faery could live there, and she'd be much closer to my house (which was also in the neighborhood) and the larger faery could live there too. So she climbed it and looked around, also very excited, because it would be a really good home tree. I looked into the house and saw this red-headed girl messing with the fire in the fireplace. She looked like she was amused by something, in a kind of sardonic way. I felt like that was a good sign, and we decided to leave. When we got to the road the tall faery was with us again, and as we were walking by, this really old nasty cranky guy came out of the house and told us that we "better not come back and mess with [his] property anymore." (there was a girl and boy peeking past him at us as he stood in the doorway) I got very angry, but noticing a 'for sale' sign in the yard, I restrained myself and bent over to whisper to the blue faery that it doesn't matter because he's moving soon anyway. He shouldn't have been able to hear me but somehow did and said "oh really? it doesn't matter because we're moving out soon?" and I turned and furiously screamed at him to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and then we kept on walking. Then we were suddenly in a car, going up the hill, and at the top of the hill we stopped, and started taking stuff out of the car. Some friends had come to meet us and they asked "why are you upset?" so I started telling them the story, and then Ben woke me up.

hm, this has turned into a very dreamy journal lately... I had thought of making a dream journal, but I like seeing where the dreams fit in my life. These recent ones have all had very strong significance, so I haven't lj-cut them, but I may if this keeps up. This is the fourth dream involving trees ♥ and I feel like I am learning something, though I haven't figured out what yet.

so much to say! I'm feeling blocked, hopefully if I can decide which to post when, it will help. (eventually I will post it all, most likely) Please vote on which I should post FIRST (1 or 2 choices please, 3 if you must):

( which to post when poll )

also, last night I dreamed that I went to a home-church meeting (in the jeep, I drove) with my mom and lil sis, and after we got there I called Ben and invited him to come too (he drove over in Sylvia (our current car)). All the other people were old, grey-haired, wise, kind, and very openminded. (and they were all about feeding us, I remember potato salad in particular) I think I took my clothes off shortly after coming in. The house was very open, practically nothing but screened windows from the waist up (second time I've dreamed about a house like that). It was very sunny and fairly warm, with a cool breeze. After a little while I looked out the back of the house and saw a MASSIVE tree, with its lower branches gnarled and thicker than I am tall. I was awed, and one of the old men noticed and said, "oh, that's Hercules." I responded, "Hercules?" and he said yes and showed me a drawing of a warrior with horns. I looked at it and then up at the tree and saw that they were exactly the same shape. I was further awed and in love, and went outside to lay at its roots and stare up and take photos, even though by that time the wind was VERY strong, strong enough that you'd need to lean against it -- but still coming in gusts rather than steadily. Ben was a little worried that a branch might break and fall on me, but I was completely calm.

that is the third dream I've had of trees lately, the second that features a HUGE tree which I spend time at the roots of, and the second that involved my mom & lil sis and trees AND cars! *meditates* hmm, also the second in which I call someone.

( what dreammoods says about the symbolism )

Night before last I dreamed that I was at the old house where I used to live with my biofamily, checking it out before moving in. I went on the back porch and saw that all of the trees (except the mimosa :-() had grown by HUGE amounts! which thrilled me, because I felt more surrounded by forest. But the back porch was incredibly wobbly, so much that I couldn't walk around (which may be metaphor or may be memory -- last time I was there it was very wobbly) and I thought to myself that it would have to be replaced, but that would be easy enough. Then I went outside and saw this deep forest green car that my mom had gotten to replace her (current, real-life) car, and I enthused about it with mom and lil sis. There were these air vents in the roof that could be opened to allow perfect air flow. The car felt very safe and comfortable, and I told my mom that I was glad she replaced the other car (which in the dream gave me a negative feeling). Then this guy showed up giving out cupcakes (along with a crowd of kids who all wanted cupcakes) and I got one, but yellow jackets started hovering around me, drawn by the sweet-smelling icing. I managed to kill them one by one, and didn't get stung.

Last night I dreamed that I was in the old house again, but this time I was visiting my friend, a boy who lived in my old room. His parents were abusive, and after I saw how they treated him I decided to rescue him. First I took him to an upper room (the house changed) and started to call 911 in order to find out who to call, because I couldn't look up the number. Someone answered and said, "hi, this is the president" and I was confused, and sat for a minute trying to figure out if I had accidentally misdialed, and then I realized that the abusive people were in the house on the same line and I hadn't dialed out at all. So I frantically tried to dial again, and kept getting the strangest numbers (like restaurants and movie theatres), though each time I thought I was dialing 911. At that point the boy wasn't there anymore -- I think I had helped him escape -- but they were still after me. So I climbed on the roof and then leapt to a tree, and began flying from tree to tree, a long ways through the forest. (these trees were almost supernaturally tall) For a while I still had the phone and was dialing, but eventually gave up and just dropped it. They were following, and at one point I got tired and just stayed in the same spot on a tree (very high above the ground) and they were using some sort of machines to climb fast and chase me. One guy got close enough that he could easily reach out and touch my face, but he didn't notice me and when he did, he wasn't sure if it was me because I didn't look human. I began slowly floating backwards and he remained still, too shocked and disbelieving to move. When I was safely out of reach I turned and fled, and they all started following, but were pretty far behind. I got to this massive tree that had water flowing all over its roots, and clung to it for safety, somehow communicating what these people were like and that they were threatening me. The tree reacted by communicating without words or movements (but I could sense it) to the other trees and they all started womping the chasers off of the trees to fall to their deaths below, where the water washed them away. I was so happy and felt so safe, and danced all over the massive tree, splashing in the water at its roots.

( what dreammoods has to say about the symbols )

I dreamed I was at a party-retreat sort of thing with a bunch of other people close to my age, and I had gone back in time to about age 17 or so. It seemed to be a spirituality-and-sexuality-celebrating retreat, and everyone was in high spirits. At first I was looking at the boys consideringly (this was before I met Ben), but none of them really appealed to me. Suddenly I thought to myself, "I should look for a girlfriend instead," and I told some of my friends who laughed and started looking for the perfect girl. There was the unspoken idea that there was a girl there who was meant for me, destined for me. I was leaning against a doorway when I felt someone pull out the back of my pants and spray whipped cream down them! I shrieked "ewwwww" and ran over to the sink to get it out, and 'the girl' was standing there holding the can, looking caught-off-guard. One of my friends was also standing around told me that she told her to do it because she thought I'd like it. I replied that I liked it when I was naked but it's gross when it gets on my clothes and gets all sticky. Then 'the girl' sprayed me with the whipped cream and I shrieked and we wrestled for a bit, trying to get it on each other. I was shocked at how easy she was to pick up, she was so light, and I thought to myself "this is totally not what I expected my perfect match to look like!" Finally we stopped and looked at each other and she said "God doesn't work by math, for sure" and when I asked what she meant, she said "I prayed, 'just don't let her have triple-Ds'." I thought to myself, 'ouch!' and looked down at my breasts, then asked why. And she said, 'because look at me!' and waved her hands at her 4'9" slender little form, and I was relieved that it was because she was afraid of comparing herself, not because she thought my breast size was ugly or something. So I started talking about how I used to compare myself to everyone, and how I had learned to see variety as beauty and no longer felt inferior to anyone, nor felt that anyone was inferior to me. I added that I was caught-off-guard by how small and slim she was, but now that I had met her, it just fit, and I loved her smallness and blondeness, and we kissed. Then someone called us outside and the dream-scene ended. ( ... )

I was at a house with wooden walls and wood floors, waiting for my two friends to show up. They came in, a guy and a girl, both thick and strong-looking (neither looked like anyone I know). We talked a little, happy and loud, and then the guy vaulted over the back of the couch and went in the kitchen. As he did so, I very clearly SAW (rather than merely sensed) his spirit in balls of color, vertically (kinda like chakra stuff, but there were only three, I think) and then once he was in the kitchen, I saw three wolf-spirits run after him and circle around him, joyfully jumping around because he was happy. (they weren't full size, they were in proportion to the balls of light rather than his body) I was so incredibly thrilled and honored to see that, and see it SO CLEARLY (their forms were translucent but much sharper than everything else). So I told them both about it, thinking they would be excited, and the girl looked at me strangely and the guy looked blank and neither said anything. And I was like, "what? don't you believe me? and the girl said, "Well, wolves don't circle, so you must be wrong." And I said, "well maybe they usually don't, but those three just DID because I saw them!" And she started getting offended that I would question her because she knew tons about wolves, and I was sooooo upset that she didn't believe me, and I cried so hard I woke myself up, and after I was awake the feeling stayed with me and I kept crying.

as I was typing this up, I realized that at the time that I told my parents something that I completely believed and they told me I must be imagining things, I might have seen something spiritual and interpreted it as physical because I was too young to see a difference. That would make sense, because I vaguely remember being CERTAIN that I had seen something -- faeries I think? or a unicorn? and telling my parents, and being the literal people they are, they would have tried to beat it into my head that it was just imagination because after all, faeries don't exist. At least in the physical world, and that's the real world, right? And the tragic thing is, if that did happen, I think I would have blocked off my own ability to see spiritual things because they 'weren't real.'

and the dream was SO REAL that I feel like I actually have had the experience of seeing spirit colors and shapes. and I think it meant something more, too, I think it's about my fears of expressing spiritual things because people might interpret them in very literal ways. And I think it was wolves because I've been thinking about them a lot... and I've been thinking about spirit shapes and animal totems, all in a subconscious not-yet-expressible way. Tomorrow I get to see lovely Kazi and SabR ♥ and I want to talk to them about all this because I think they understand things about this that I don't yet.

and for the 80millionth time, I wish I had a Native American Shaman or teacher to teach me. Or if I could just take a class on Native American spirituality or something... I may not have the bloodlines, but I was born here and so were my parents and their parents, and they all loved this land, and that makes this land, and her spirit, a vital part of me.

I don't remember the order these were in...

I was in a strange steel & glass building, and I was naked (which is normal for me so might not have the usual connotation). I was upset about something, staring outside into the dark (it was night). Ashley saw me, came up behind me and grabbed me, one hand on my side and the other on my breast, and started rubbing and squeezing me. I was freaked out and yelped, "what are you doing? Stop that!" but she said, "No, you need comfort so I am going to do this" and I said, "That doesn't help, stop!" but she would not listen -- she seemed angry and held on to me despite my frant