These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

Christmas 2006

magic! ♥

( more photos )

and my loot! XD I am still so thrilled about this ♥ ♥ ♥ Oh what the hell, I'll "show not tell":

( my miraculous presents! )
why miraculous? because Miss K gave me (and Ben) credit at a used book store as a present, and we went there day after Christmas and they had the LAST THREE Torey Hayden books, the only ones I didn't have!!!!!!!! 'coincidences' like this are why it's easy for me to believe in God/dess and the power of the unseen. just holy wonder, seriously. I exclaimed over the miracle and Ben was all 'yeah that's great' but Miss K agreed with me as I gushed over how fabulous her present was. Miracles don't have to save someone's life, sometimes they're just God/dess's way of showing you love.

( more presents! )

I love love love used books. If they cost the same I'd still prefer a used book over a new one. Used ones have a history, and if they're a powerful book then they have absorbed the emotion of another reader, which heightens my own emotion in reading it. I feel like I am experiencing the book along with the former reader. And if they're old in addition to being used, they have that old book smell that is an emotional aphrodisiac to any bibliophile. The only way I ever buy a new book is if I can't find a used copy or I need it in a tearing hurry. Or if I'm getting it as a present for someone who doesn't feel the same way about used books, heh.

Ideas have bottlenecked in my brain. So much I want to say! Aish.

( I've been thinking over past friendships... )

I don't know why I wanted to write this... I felt the need to process my losses, I suppose. I think they have been heavy on my subconscious lately, which is why I have felt so terribly lonely. I feel like going out on the street with a sign that says, "be my friend?" Something, anything, I need love.

Actually, I think I know why all of this is so fresh. I'm wanting to commit my heart to another, and my heart is saying to me, "You know it's going to end in abandonment" and I struggle to believe that the joy is worth the pain. At the core, I believe that, but so much of me just cringes and says, "Please don't make me walk through the fire again." And part of me says that it is impossible to have a long-distance soulfriendship... while the other part says that I've done it twice before, it's difficult but not anywhere near impossible. I'll just have to get my hugs and such from Ben -- but that makes me want to cry because he doesn't enjoy cuddling and I don't want just sympathy cuddles, I want the kind I give, the kind that is given because you just can't help it, it's natural. Why can't I have a nearby friend? Somebody cuddly move here please. :-(

aaaaaiiiiiieeee! You guys are the BEST FRIENDS anyone could EVER hope to have!!!!!! Thank you all x 80million for your delightful birthday wishes, emails, and shout-outs! (I am such a sucker for shout-outs. Srsly. (and yes, I pronounce 'seriously' without any vowels))

For my birthday, I got up ridiculously late. Despite the fact that he was very tired, Ben drove me to the used book store, where I used some of my credit, and the thrift store, where I found some awesome things: a rennaisance-style metal tankard, a headscarf, a round glass bottle, a miniature white ceramic urn, and a rough square glass jar, which declared to me that it was meant to house my crystals. I took it seriously. (and I got a few more things and STILL only spent $6)

Then we went over to Ben's parents' house, where elya made me a spice cake (the only kind of cake I like), Ms. K made meatloaf (which I used to hate until I tried hers, which is yum), AND guacamole (to eat with salsa & tortilla chips)!!! There is nothing better than fresh guac, I tell ya. And Ms K bought my favorite creamer (international delight cinnamon hazelnut) and starbucks coffee -- she made a pot for while I was there and gave me the rest of the bag as part of my birthday present. I was so blessed by all the thoughtfulness. ♥

Rebecca gave me PURPLE fluffy socks with a foot-scrub-lotion (which I am very excited about, 'cause I am plotting to get Ben to use it on me -- I looooove foot massages). elya gave me cherry-pomegranate juice (mmm YUM), a birthday balloon with a very pretty DRAGONFLY on it, incense sticks (oooh, ahhh) and a lavender tape dispenser. ;-) I love presents that show that the person knows me well. And Ms K gave me money to use at the used book store ;-) and a blockbuster gift card, and of course the coffee, and cinnamon candies. They all put so much thought into it, I loved it.

Thank you shioneh, frenetik, jedibubbles, beautymess, scream_baby, invisibleglue, maladroitkat, darkpool, eternitywaiting, alariya, phrankenstyne, kmiotutsie, 12thknight, and aslan_fan for your wonderful words. ;-) You all blessed me so much. And thank you Nisha and Ashley for calling also -- Nisha, it was so great to hear you! You have such an adorable accent! You guys just blow me away. ♥

This is my Christmas thank-you post. ♥ I have SO. MANY. beautiful people in my life. I am the most blessed person ever, really. I need to look at my blessings more often because DAYUM!

Oh how much I love you. If I could bottle my love it would easily replace electricity all over the world for a day. When I really think about it, I get filled with so much energy that it makes me want to SCREAM! just to let it out. I need more outlets for my love, really. You all live too damn far away for me to be able to pour into your lives. I think maybe I should start visiting the local nursing home... My family always did that at Christmas time, and I totally forgot this year. That was probably my favorite thing about my family... and the last time I did it I felt God so close. And now I am actually confident enough to believe that they really would want me to visit, which means that I could even do it without the excuse of Christmas. hmm.

I have no idea of the order that these arrived in, so I'm going to go randomly through them:
Thank you wallbrat and 12thknight for the paidaccount gifts!
Thank you darling boobiequeen for the photo that I've been wanting for over a year! It's on my wall, and you can see proof in the photos further down in this post. ;-)
aubkabob, dahling, thank you ever so for the card, it made me giggle in true Aubka fashion. ;-D
camilleyun, you are so incredibly utterly kind, I loooooved getting your PURPLE christmas card with such sweet words. Thank you thank you -- I am so glad I get to know you better.
eternitywaiting, OMFG yo, you are AMAZINK! I was worried when I got the package, because I suspected it was jewelry and I don't usually like to get jewelry as presents 'cause I am teh jewelry snob artist -- but I should have known. eeeeeeeee PURPLE eeeeeeeeeeeeee DRAGONFLY!!!!! You wonderful wonderful lovely darling! And I loved it already, but then I realized that the shards in the wings are DICHROIC GLASS. Dichroic glass is to Bel what candy is to a 3-year-old -- !!! Thank you! *many kisses*
( photos of the necklace/earrings )
valynn!!! You just stunned me with your generosity and especially with including Ben! He was feeling left out with all of my friends sending me stuff while he got no mail, and your lovely thoughtful gift card really made him happy. ThankyouX80million!!!
darkpool, wow. You made me feel SO LOVED!!!!! Everything was so perfect and so suited me! I love the bottles, they went straight into my sanctuary, along with the candle holders. And the book will DEFINITELY come in handy, yay! and the note that came along with it just made everything 10 times as meaningful. I love that you got me the bookmark because you relate me with vibrancy. ♥ You blew me away. AND THE GYPSY KEYRING!!! wow. I think you hit just about every love of mine. ♥
( a photo of darkpool's presents )
maladroitkat, do you know how many times I picked up that book and almost bought it? At least four times! I suppose it was meant to be a gift from you to me, and I love it, thank you thank you! And the second book, OMG, gypsies AND egypt AND a deep theme???? I SO can't WAIT to read it!!! thank you!!!
( a photo of m-kat's presents )
alariya, darling, do you know how much I love you for giving to me when you are struggling so much? The act of giving meant even more to me than the awesome CD. (which would NOT photograph, mlurg)
lilerthkwake, thank you for the Christmas card, you're such a sweetheart! Did you make it? it's pretty. ;-)
ohsaycanyousay, thank you for the card -- you are amazing, I so appreciate you going to the trouble for me when your own life is tumultuous.
invisibleglue, I love the pendant! I don't know why, really -- it just reminds me of something a fae or dryad would wear. I love it, I doooo, thank you sweetheart! (that's what inspired the 'what charm would you be' poll -- I was thinking of making an lj-friend necklace) And I was so delighted by the tiny bow and darling wrapping! such an adorable thing, I actually saved the part of the wrapping with the mini-bow and mini-card, because it was just too damn cute to throw away.
( a photo of the pendant )
aslan_fan, I adore that keyring! "I am a nut" -- Dr. Talkavich quotes are forever golden. ;-D and I still haven't tried the tea, but I am so looking forward to it! And more than anything, decorating the apartment with frenetik was just such a sweet gift, and it really meant a lot to me.
( photos of elya's and Ben's family's gifts )
frenetik, dunno why I'm referring to your journal when you probably won't read this, but nevertheless, thank you, my love. You AMAZED me with how perfect your gifts were! Limited edition purple duct tape! and purple glass, and cinnamon candles, and purple paint, and the scents from BPAL. but most of all, my warrior faery. ♥ You are the BEST HUSBAND EVER, all the time and not just right now, and I treasure you.
( photos of Ben's presents, including the delightfully detailed fae )
and Rebecca, I know you won't read this, but I love you for thinking of me and choosing such perfect gifts. I am sure I'm going to frame the purple & green dragonfly photo, it's just incredibly beautiful and incredibly me. And I suspect that you put coins in the machine until you got the dragonfly tattoo, and I think that's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.
( a photo of rebecca's presents )
AND Ben's parents got us a fancy-fancy toaster oven, which will probably save us a ton on energy since we won't have to use the oven for everything. So very wonderful!
( and last but not least, my rearranged living room with the decorations that elya and Ben put up! )
( one last photo -- my updated postcard wall! )

Ben and I were at the Ren. festival looking for Mary Poppins. It was kind of like the Ren. Fest, but it was a time-displacement festival. There were all kinds of weird characters. I met Mary Poppins and apparently she had several pre-planned stories that she could tell. She started telling me about the real one that she was time displaced instead of just pretending to be where she's supposed to be.

Then we moved on and we came to this booth where music was going and the owner of the booth was intending for people to dance. So Ben and I started dancing and everyone else started joining in. Then the barkeep offered us the jackets which I didn't want to put on because it was really hot but that was apparently part of his job; for people to wear the jackets. So we paid him and stepped through the arch to put the jackets on. This time a lot of people joined us, and he started teaching us this dance. Then Ben wasn't there but Elya, Rebecca, and Allison was. For some reason I could not get my eyes open so I couldn't watch him do the moves, and couldn't follow the dance. But elya stepped behind me and tried to guide me.

Then this group of people came running up and acting out a skit—a very violent one. All the sudden they opened a door and went up some stairs in the air and closed the door which then disappeared. Rebecca and Allison were sitting around with these other two girls discussing how they were going to go to Ihop. I was taking Allisons wig off (bright pink) and she got mad at me because she didn't want the wig removed. I was sad because I was just trying to help. We were all wearing skirts that had a corset down the back.

( what's left )

Ohhh, ahhhh, the hair is gone... now on to the story.

jedibubbles, alariya, eviltwin (who actually got called eviltwin in order to specify which Kristen), Rebecca, and elya all came to watch and encourage. We ate lots of pizza first, and (except for Rebecca and elya) drank beer (I took a pregnancy test earlier that was negative). Del was right, smirnoff triple black does taste like sprite on crack, I LOVE it! Then we played Loaded Questions and Wise and Otherwise while Del did the tedious job of braiding 2.5 feet of hair into 21 braids.

When she has finally finished, everyone gathered around to watch the snipping of the braids -- and my freakout after the ponytail was taken out and my hair was SHORT! for the first time in many years (the shortest it's ever been cut). I was just in shock, it felt so weird! It was like having a limb amputated, except a lot less painful and crippling. Then Del evened up the cut, while I still hadn't seen myself in a mirror, and then they all followed me into the bathroom, while I put my hands over my eyes. When they all could see me in the mirror, I looked at myself -- and saw my little brother and sister in my face! I was really upset by that, but then I played with it some and discovered that I only looked like them when my hair was parted down the center. No more of that! *shudder*

Then I showered all of the cut hairs off (it was an odd but very nice change to not have a ton of weight pulling at my head), and rejoined them in the living room. Alariya, eviltwin and I went outside and smoked flavored cigars (strawberry, yum) and then we came in and all sang worship songs.

The group worked so well together! And elya has gotten much less phobic about alcohol and stuff, so we didn't have to tiptoe around her, so it was lighthearted fun the whole evening. We're thinking about doing a weekly Bible study, the five of us (sadly Del can't come 'cause she'll be in FL). I love my girls. At the beginning of the evening they were all sitting on the couch and floor and I was on the swivel chair, and it made me so happy just to look at all of them. Somebody made a comment about 'the queen and her court' which kinda embarrassed me but I loved it all the same. Some people that I would have loved to have there were missing... but it was wonderful that they all knew each other and were comfortable around each other.

Kristy came up for a few days -- and promptly took off with Rebecca and elya to North Carolina. But it didn't really bother me because I have adjusted my expectations. I had no idea the power you have over your own emotions. If you accept people as they are and don't expect more of them than they are likely to give, you're a lot happier and more free. I'm not pleased that she keeps me at a distance and seems to want me around just to adore her -- but you know what, there is nothing I can do about that, so I'm accepting it. I just had to realize that at this point in time, she does not want to be realfriends. And I am not responsible for her choices and the fact that she is really missing out by choosing not to be realfriends with me.

So we had casual fun on the day that she was originally planning to leave. She told me that when she heard that I was going out with the girls, she decided to stay an extra day, which I took with a grain of salt because she always tends to stay later than she plans to. But it flattered me all the same.

We went thrift-shopping, which resulted in three new shirts and two new dresses for a total of $17. ;-) Oh, and Miss K was so sweet -- she gave each of us $20, which meant my stuff was actually all a gift! And she took us all out to lunch, which was fabulously yummy.

Then Rebecca and Kristy and I went back to my flat to play with Kanika, and after a bit I decided that I absolutely had to wash my hair right then, so I told them they could leave if they were bored and I set up the bathroom (I have to have candles and music for washing my hair). Kristy offered to help me wash my hair, which I thought was so incredibly sweet, and so they both stayed in the bathroom with me while I washed my hair, and Kristy massaged my scalp for me. I wish Rebecca and I were that comfortable with each other when Kristy's not around. Kristy is the one person that I am never uncomfortable around -- 'cause I know that I can't shock her! And she seems to have a relaxing(?) effect on Rebecca.

Later Kristy and elya and I went to Kroger ('cause Publix was closed, otherwise I'd have pitched a hissy fit) and bought ice cream, and then we came back and watched movies. Guess what my suggestion was. "Playing By Heart," of course. I knew Kristy would love it, but I still don't really know what Rebecca and elya thought. I was scared to ask because I hate the idea that maybe they didn't like it. Kristy and I cuddled on the loveseat and I petted her hair for almost the whole movie. Seeing the character Joan smile in that movie makes me smile, it actually makes me happy. I can't help it.

Oh. And then Kristy and elya put on a country line dancing video and actually started learning the dances! It was hilarious. I thought elya was kidding when she pulled out the video, but no, she really rented it, she didn't find it at a garage sale for a quarter. After they wore out their craziness, we watched "Don Juan Demarco" which I found rather dull and silly, but Kristy actually petted my hair some while we watched it, so that made it worth it. That was another expectation thing -- rather than expecting her to offer, I asked, and I felt no compunction about it.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

• Ben aka Dragon aka sciethen -- the best husband anybody could ever hope for.
  
• Del aka Allison aka jedibubbles -- my spunky, sprightly, outgoing artist friend, whom I met in high school over an Anne McCaffery book.
  
• Paula & Spencer -- a wonderful couple whom I lived with for a year -- they taught me what real family was.
  
• Ashley aka alariya -- a new close friend; I was aquainted with her for years and recently we have grown close, very sweet and generous.
  
• Rebecca -- my very cherished best friend for 4.5 years, reserved but intense; also Ben's sister.
  
• elya -- my friend who is a living embodiment of a ray of sunshine, incredibly kind and gentle; also Ben's twin.
  
• Kristy -- my very outgoing, flirty friend who lives in Florida; also Ben's cousin.
  
• Kaylene -- a deep friend of mine who was part of my life for only a few months, yet she inspired me and understood me like no one else ever has.
  
• Gabe -- my spiritually adopted little brother, an amazing person whom I adore and am so proud of. You know when he's around because he sings everywhere he goes.
  
• Kristen -- my bossy, blunt, outgoing friend -- she was a friend of mine from middle school, and we've recently become friends again.

( more in-depth descriptions, with photos )

You should all do this so I can get to know the people in your life! (don't worry about the long part with the pictures, but do the short part!)

So, here are the promised photos:
( That would be (5')Kristy, borrowing (6')elya's legs. )
( ...and elya borrowing Kristy's legs! )
( Kristy channeling a spider (she was going for a faraway look but couldn't help giggling) and borrowing elya's legs again. )
( Kristy and elya showing some cleavage! )
( Kristy trying to look sad about being parted from me... and everybody else trying to make her laugh. )
( She manages the crushed look. )
( My sister-in-law Sadie saying 'I don't want you to take a picture of me!' )
( The Birdman Fan Club!!! )
( And The Birdman Fan club being their normal selves. )

( Kristy and I! awwww )

Hi.

Okay. jedibubbles and mayana will read this, but that's okay. I decided to give nicknames (of a sort) to my close friends. These are highly personal to me, as they mean everything I love about you. I probably won't ever use them audibly unless I'm feeling extraordinarily affectionate; I'll just use them mentally.

Kaylene -- Glisten
Allison -- Sparkle
Rebecca -- Glow
elya -- Shine
Kristen -- Blaze

This is the way I see your spirit: it may change, and if so your from-kristen-name will change. Please only reply if you think yours is appropriate, 'cause if it's not right, my perception will change anyway.

This is a 'reference guide' to the people I talk about the most. I'm wanted to type this up both for my people page and to link to in my userinfo, so new friends aren't too confused.
( here they are )