These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

Ideas have bottlenecked in my brain. So much I want to say! Aish.

( I've been thinking over past friendships... )

I don't know why I wanted to write this... I felt the need to process my losses, I suppose. I think they have been heavy on my subconscious lately, which is why I have felt so terribly lonely. I feel like going out on the street with a sign that says, "be my friend?" Something, anything, I need love.

Actually, I think I know why all of this is so fresh. I'm wanting to commit my heart to another, and my heart is saying to me, "You know it's going to end in abandonment" and I struggle to believe that the joy is worth the pain. At the core, I believe that, but so much of me just cringes and says, "Please don't make me walk through the fire again." And part of me says that it is impossible to have a long-distance soulfriendship... while the other part says that I've done it twice before, it's difficult but not anywhere near impossible. I'll just have to get my hugs and such from Ben -- but that makes me want to cry because he doesn't enjoy cuddling and I don't want just sympathy cuddles, I want the kind I give, the kind that is given because you just can't help it, it's natural. Why can't I have a nearby friend? Somebody cuddly move here please. :-(

My eviltwin spent the night after the hair-cutting ceremony, and the next day we got up late and sat around in the living room talking. She brought up the subject of my nude modeling in her blunt way, "So why did you decide to do that?" waving her hand at my photo album. Thanks to an LJ friend questioning me a few days ago, I actually had my thoughts organized and was able to explain my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I told her that I posed the first time because I was curious; I wanted to see what it was like. After that experience, I continued because it changed me, helped me to see my own beauty and recognize that how God made me was art in itself. She was surprised to hear that I had always thought of myself as unattractive and plain.

She amazed me with her openmindedness. She listened and considered what I had to say and didn't contradict me or try to change my opinion once! I did not expect that at all. After I had explained, she said that she had been praying about it and she felt like God said there was something about it she was missing, something that she didn't understand, so she asked me for the answer. She said that she felt that there were some people who would not be able to grasp the meaning and the art behind it, such as her parents, but she understood. I really think she did.

I expected to have to defend myself, and instead I received understanding. I am so impressed with how Kristen has matured and is thinking for herself more, even when it comes to disagreeing with what her parents might think! She's amazing. I don't know if I'd have been able to stretch that rapidly if I were in her shoes. I'm so glad that we're rekindling our friendship now and not a year ago -- only now are we really ready for each other. I'm so excited to watch her grow and mature and I am eager for the future of our friendship.

( what's left )

Ohhh, ahhhh, the hair is gone... now on to the story.

jedibubbles, alariya, eviltwin (who actually got called eviltwin in order to specify which Kristen), Rebecca, and elya all came to watch and encourage. We ate lots of pizza first, and (except for Rebecca and elya) drank beer (I took a pregnancy test earlier that was negative). Del was right, smirnoff triple black does taste like sprite on crack, I LOVE it! Then we played Loaded Questions and Wise and Otherwise while Del did the tedious job of braiding 2.5 feet of hair into 21 braids.

When she has finally finished, everyone gathered around to watch the snipping of the braids -- and my freakout after the ponytail was taken out and my hair was SHORT! for the first time in many years (the shortest it's ever been cut). I was just in shock, it felt so weird! It was like having a limb amputated, except a lot less painful and crippling. Then Del evened up the cut, while I still hadn't seen myself in a mirror, and then they all followed me into the bathroom, while I put my hands over my eyes. When they all could see me in the mirror, I looked at myself -- and saw my little brother and sister in my face! I was really upset by that, but then I played with it some and discovered that I only looked like them when my hair was parted down the center. No more of that! *shudder*

Then I showered all of the cut hairs off (it was an odd but very nice change to not have a ton of weight pulling at my head), and rejoined them in the living room. Alariya, eviltwin and I went outside and smoked flavored cigars (strawberry, yum) and then we came in and all sang worship songs.

The group worked so well together! And elya has gotten much less phobic about alcohol and stuff, so we didn't have to tiptoe around her, so it was lighthearted fun the whole evening. We're thinking about doing a weekly Bible study, the five of us (sadly Del can't come 'cause she'll be in FL). I love my girls. At the beginning of the evening they were all sitting on the couch and floor and I was on the swivel chair, and it made me so happy just to look at all of them. Somebody made a comment about 'the queen and her court' which kinda embarrassed me but I loved it all the same. Some people that I would have loved to have there were missing... but it was wonderful that they all knew each other and were comfortable around each other.

So eviltwin and I woke up late... to breakfast! made by Ben! on his lunch break! Do you need any more proof that he's the best husband EVER? He makes me so happy...

We drove to another beadstore that I'd never been to (in search of beads for the project), but it was closed... so we went to Publix and bought some of these -- YUMMY! Mango and passion fruit. Then we went to Rebecca's house and convinced Rebecca and Sadie to bring some games over to my flat. The question-type games, Imaginiff and Loaded Questions. We laughed our hienies off! Loaded Questions is my favorite game ever -- except maybe Wise and Otherwise, where one person reads half of an old saying and everyone makes up an ending, which the first person reads out loud and everyone guesses which is the correct answer... it's fuckinilarious, and if you play with the right people, filled with innuendo.

Rebecca had buy-one-get-one-free coupons to Brewsters and Sadie was begging for ice cream, so we went out and got some (I got frozen yogurt 'cause I like it better). (Rebecca drove, of course) It was just such a fun evening.

Oh, and Kristen picked up my photo album -- the one I put together to show Patricia -- and said, "What's this?" to me like she'd caught a kid with his hand in the cookie jar. I didn't want her to know, mainly because she tends to tell her parents everything, even if she doesn't really want to, and I strongly suspect that if her parents knew, they wouldn't be so thrilled about her spending time with me. And she needs a voice telling her that she's worthy no matter how many expectations she doesn't live up (or down) to. But the cat was out of the bag, so I tried to explain... it is hard to talk about something sacred to someone who disapproves of it, so I did a rather lousy job, but she seemed to accept it okay. Then as the evening wore on and she got a little buzzed and sugared, she kept on making references to my modeling in sarcastic ways. I've never been very good at defending my art, or as she put it, "your 'art' *rolleyes*."

Well, darling wonderful peacemaker Rebecca noticed, and when we got back from Brewsters she asked to look at my photo album again and very deliberately flipped through, commenting on some of them, and saying which one was her favorite -- basically giving me her stamp of approval. Kristen was very swayed, because Ben's family has a reputation for being VERY chaste, pure, 'religious', etc. She looked through it too (the first time she had been so shocked she didn't look past the first few) and I think she saw the art in it, though not like I do, of course. And she didn't make any more disparaging comments.

Later, Kristen gave me an amazing shoulder massage while we sat in the living room and talked with Ben (at his request!). It's interesting -- she is every bit as open with Ben as she is with me (and she's more open with me than she's ever been with anyone else) because she assumes that anything she says to me will get to Ben eventually anyway. (I will keep things confidential if asked, but otherwise she's pretty much right) She trusts him because she sees him as a part of me. And Ben is very open with her -- more so than I've seen him with anyone except me and Kaylene. He wants to hook her up with his brother. heh.

My evil twin called me shortly after I woke up and asked if she could spend the night, just to get away from her family and get some time with me. I asked Ben, and not only was he fine with it, but he insisted on sleeping on the couch so that we could girltalk all night, comfy in the bed. I have the BEST husband. (and we seriously need to get a sleeper sofa!)

We went by JoAnns so I could get some more beads for my current project, (which is in a color scheme I had about three beads in) and met a woman who wanted to make a necklace but was totally clueless, so I gave her a crash course on the basics as Kristen and I hunted for beads that would work for this project. The lady apparently works at Gap, and she thought I should bring my jewelry in and try to sell it there, like she said some brazillian ladies do -- obviously she hasn't seen my jewelry. People who buy cookie-cutter don't want custom-made pieces. (although I will admit Gap occasionally has good jeans) Kristen insists we were there for an hour and a half, but I'm positive it was only 45 minutes, maybe 50. heh. It was fun though, as my non-crafty eviltwin admitted.

She and I went to see Batman, which was good but would have been SO much better if they had hired an attractive actor. It's so not fair, how actresses have to be 100% gorgeous, and actors don't even have to be mildly attractive. Look at Russell Crowe for goodness sake. Or Kevin Bacon. Or Jack Nicholson! Bah!

During the movie I flinched and cringed and jumped (because I immerse myself in the reality presented to me, like you are supposed to, dammit!), and Kristen mostly snickered at me and poked me and occasionally asked if I was okay -- I think she found my reactions as entertaining as the movie. *rolls eyes*

(p.s. note the date -- I have some catching up to do)

I have so much to say and it's all jostling for position and so I can't get any of it out, it's like it bottlenecks... that's why lately there have been several times when I haven't posted for days... and that's why there have been a flood of posts (relatively) today, I finally decided "so what if no one reads all this because I posted too much in one day, I need to get it out." And I'm not backdating either, so there! :-p

So, my evil twin came over and we talked and talked and talked... while doing other things, of course. It's safe to say that we are friends again, on a level we've never been before. We were friends way back in middle and high school, but that was almost always just for fun, nothing too intimate. Yet I did consider her a best friend, right after Rebecca, just in a totally different way... anyway.

First she locked her keys in the car, so we called around for a locksmith (all ridiculously expensive), and I called my uncle who knows a lot about cars (he built his first car!) but while I was on the phone with him learning how to use a coathanger to open it, Kristen went outside and pushed the window down. Apparently it was broken, but it hadn't occurred to her to push it down. Oh the blondness!

Then she and I went out, to the Dwarf House (because she became addicted to chic-fil-a in the 4 years she worked there) and to my favorite little coffeehouse, and she poured out her heart to me. She's had a very hard time lately... ( ... )

It wasn't the most light-hearted evening, but it was fun all the same. We rocked out to some Gwen in her mustang convertible... I forgave it for being a mustang when she put the top down. What an awesome feeling. I must have a convertible some day... preferably a violet 97 firebird formula, sexeh!

Then we went back to my house, sat in her car and smoked a raspberry cigarillo (we didn't go inside because of Ben's asthma) -- I had never smoked before and I was curious. We shared one because I didn't know if I would be able to smoke one entirely, so we were passing it back and forth when our mormon neighbors came home and walked right by us -- I told Kristen they were mormons and we giggled wondering if they thought we were smoking a joint.

Oddly I had no problems with it -- yet secondhand cigarette smoke makes my lungs physically hurt. (maybe it was because we were outside) I tell you what, if it weren't so bad for you (and expensive and nasty-breath-inducing and voice-destroying), I would definitely smoke. I love playing with the smoke -- Kristen kept giggling at me for staring at the swirly patterns. And it just looks badass. Too bad it's so horrible health-wise.

I gave her her birthday present and made her put it on so I could take pictures:

She's so darn cyuuuute!!!

I think she liked it... I explained to her that "indomitable" was the one word that I thought best described her (a while ago I made several shirts for my friends with their 'characteristic' words). She didn't quite know how to react, but after she put it on she liked the way it looked, so I suppose it was good enough. It's glowpaint! which made her like it more. I still plan to get her something else, though, because I don't think she felt 'understood' enough from that present. Plus, I made it for last year's birthday and just never got it to her, so that made me feel a bit guilty.

On Monday I went out for about an hour with Kristen B, or my 'evil twin' as she refers to herself. I've known her for about seven years now... when we first met, we thought it necessary that we be friends because we had the same first name and we both spelled it right. (most people spell it Kristin or Christin, bleh)

I was kinda dreading it, because although we were great friends when I was a teenager (so so long ago, hah), the last few times we've gotten together have left me drained and depressed. Kristen has a very strong personality, and she is Blunt. (not blunt, Blunt) Last time we met, she spent a lot of time scolding me for not keeping in touch more, told me that I had become boring since I got married, and unintentionally belittled me by telling me that she could see me as a youth worship leader, but not a contracted singer (which, by the way, is a very important dream/plan of mine).

This time, she still scolded me a little, but seemed more light-hearted rather than angry, and she didn't harp on it or anything. She still told me that I had become boring, but this time I asked her what she meant by that and she didn't have an answer. I was hurt last time, but this time I feel like I understand why she says that. I don't know exactly what it is that she expects from me... maybe I used to be more hyper, though I don't remember that being the case until late at night when we'd giggle and whisper under the covers and everything was so funny. But I think the reason she says that is because she can't get as excited about spending time with me, and so she wants me to somehow raise her excitement level. Eh, whatevah.

She likes to think of herself as a badass. And she kinda is -- I can't imagine anyone ever pissing her off and not regretting it. But she's also a bit of a goody-goody (and she admits it). It's odd being with her because I feel simultaneously less powerful and more powerful than she is. Less powerful because I'm not so outspoken and forceful, but more so because I'm more mature and openminded.

It was fun, though, spending time with her. We went to the local coffeehouse and sat down with our delicious java and talked, catching up on each other's lives. I listened to her talk about her clashes with her parents, and remembered what PJ had said last time at church -- that people assume that the godly thing to do in a clash is work it out, when sometimes God wants you to create some space, especially in parent/child relationships. She's almost 20 and she's been having clashes with her parents for a long while -- now she's finally to the point where she feels she needs to move out. I told her it's about time!

--------

( maturity and adulthood, living with your parents or on your own )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

• Ben aka Dragon aka sciethen -- the best husband anybody could ever hope for.
  
• Del aka Allison aka jedibubbles -- my spunky, sprightly, outgoing artist friend, whom I met in high school over an Anne McCaffery book.
  
• Paula & Spencer -- a wonderful couple whom I lived with for a year -- they taught me what real family was.
  
• Ashley aka alariya -- a new close friend; I was aquainted with her for years and recently we have grown close, very sweet and generous.
  
• Rebecca -- my very cherished best friend for 4.5 years, reserved but intense; also Ben's sister.
  
• elya -- my friend who is a living embodiment of a ray of sunshine, incredibly kind and gentle; also Ben's twin.
  
• Kristy -- my very outgoing, flirty friend who lives in Florida; also Ben's cousin.
  
• Kaylene -- a deep friend of mine who was part of my life for only a few months, yet she inspired me and understood me like no one else ever has.
  
• Gabe -- my spiritually adopted little brother, an amazing person whom I adore and am so proud of. You know when he's around because he sings everywhere he goes.
  
• Kristen -- my bossy, blunt, outgoing friend -- she was a friend of mine from middle school, and we've recently become friends again.

( more in-depth descriptions, with photos )

You should all do this so I can get to know the people in your life! (don't worry about the long part with the pictures, but do the short part!)

Hi.

Okay. jedibubbles and mayana will read this, but that's okay. I decided to give nicknames (of a sort) to my close friends. These are highly personal to me, as they mean everything I love about you. I probably won't ever use them audibly unless I'm feeling extraordinarily affectionate; I'll just use them mentally.

Kaylene -- Glisten
Allison -- Sparkle
Rebecca -- Glow
elya -- Shine
Kristen -- Blaze

This is the way I see your spirit: it may change, and if so your from-kristen-name will change. Please only reply if you think yours is appropriate, 'cause if it's not right, my perception will change anyway.