(  - John Mayer: Clarity -  )

I came across John Mayer's "Clarity" on my last.fm radio and I have been listening to it over and over. It fits my life perfectly at the moment, especially the seemingly unrelated title. Clarity. yes!

It has been nearly six weeks since I began falling in love with Aurilion (Lily, who has grown into zir true name) and Hannah. It's really amazing. I've been experiencing so many deep revelations, and above all, so much clarity! For a while it seemed every single post I made was some monumental exploration and expression, to the point where I got a little overwhelmed by it. Polyamory, gender, spirit-heart-soul-mind-body, deciding to change to gender-neutral pronouns, the story of Aurilion and I and Hannah and I, the stories people carry in them, characters in the story of my life, my tribe -- all in one month! And all of those posts were a big deal for me. I mean, most of what I post about is important to me, but each of these were... pivotal moments (I'm spinning! ;-)). And that's maybe half of what has been really happening within. *deep sigh*

At the beginning there was such a heady rush! So thrilling! and now it is deeper, more intense, so much more REAL, as Aurilion keeps saying. Like a delicious meal when you are very hungry -- the first bite is the most flavorful, but the real enjoyment sets in when the pang in your belly has eased and you slow to savor everything. (for me anyway) I think I fall in love fast and slow... the shields of my heart drop immediately but forming the cords that entwine with other hearts is a slow process. And oh, so lush, like a dance. I enjoy every twist and oh, the blending! *shivers*

I have changed my journal title and subtitle. ( the old title/subtitle ) My new title/subtitle is "Biting the Sun -- only in the burning do I taste that sweetest nectar." This refers to a proverb in my favorite book, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee -- don't bite the sun, Traveler, you will burn your mouth. The unnamed narrator does 'bite at the sun,' stepping out of the bounds of zir society. The subtitle is a reminder to myself that only in crossing boundaries (self- or other- imposed) do I ever experience that which is truly extraordinary. Risk of pain surrounds all that which is sweetest, and to truly embrace those things I must also embrace that risk. this is the year of risk-taking!

When I fall in love with someone, I have always fixated on whether or not they will love me and be there for me forever. This time, I'm beginning something new with two people I have already loved and lost once; I know it is possible that they will cease to be part of my life. But I feel fully aware that the connection remains even if the relationship is not active, and that every moment spent in active relationship is priceless. If it ends, I will feel a dreadful loss, but more than that loss I will feel the gift of what was, and the surety that we will be reunited (even if not in this life). I don't feel worry or fear! I feel that I am drinking in every moment with utter gratitude.

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Lilylight (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to Nimajneb and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Lilylight proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Lilylight told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Lilylight and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Lilylight understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Lilylight's ex, my former friend) contacted Lilylight again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does Nimajneb, my partner, think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Lilylight, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Lilylight is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Lily is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

I've felt so blocked for the past week! I think it may be because I was on a weird schedule (for me) -- going to bed at like 7 or 8 pm and getting up 12 hours later. (I'm actually able to write now since it's past midnight. I am a daughter of the Night!) and I am frustrated because I've been trying to reply to comments but I keep stalling out, and I don't want to get more behind! I know you would forgive me but it bothers me to leave comments unacknowledged.

anyway. I went and applied for the passport, which was so much easier than I thought it would be. I felt very brave, driving to a new place all alone and handling it all without too much stressing out. I talked to strangers comfortably as I waited in line, and then chatted with the (friendly!) lady who handled my application. Yay me! *applauds self*

I've also been decorating myself more -- I went and bought a ton of scarves from goodwill to use as head & hip scarves, and I've been buying makeup here and there. I found this amazing shimmery sheer shadow that works PERFECTLY for my under-eye decoration. I have very thin skin under my eyes and no matter how much sleep I get or how healthy I am, I always have purple there. I used to try to hide it with concealer, but since I no longer believe in concealer I have accepted my purple shadows as part of my face and decorate them instead of trying to hide them. They're now one of my favorite features! With shimmery shadow to highlight them, they make me look quite fey. ( see? )

Also! Hannah's last package finally showed up yesterday so we got on the phone and had a present-opening festival (her b-day is 8 days from mine). We both took photos of our presents 'cause we're like that XD.

( presents from hannahface )

She loved the presents I got her too :D I got her something glow-in-the-dark too, and toys, and a CD, heh -- theme? ;-) We're such wild little children. Every day that passes I get a little more excited about seeing her again. And Nick-n-Kate-n-Meliae! eeeeeeee!!! *hyperhophop*

I want to post about my spirituality -- I keep wanting to, mentally composing entries, and then not doing it. I don't know why! Maybe because I don't fit into any one religion (or even two) so sharing it publicly might make me feel more aware of my aloneness? Maybe because there is just so MUCH and I don't know where to start? I dunno. But that's one of my goals so I hope to get started soon. if you'd be interested, please let me know because I think that would help to motivate me (thanks ever so much a_singularity for your questions! they gave me a good head start on a post).

I made up a little flyer and posted it on the church bulletin board, hoping to find more people around and maybe start a weekly get-together to discuss our similarities/differences/new-thoughts. I've had one person contact me so far, I responded but haven't heard back yet. Hope this works out better than meetup! ;-)

( the tickets have been bought! )



I go tomorrow morning to get my passport. *eeeeek!* I find this very very scary, but "ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom" -- Marilyn Ferguson. Somebody pinch me? am I really going on such a long journey alone? wow. Going so far away from my safety net is scary enough. Add in staying with Hannah and Nick, meeting Kate and Meliae... this is insanely thrilling and nerve-wracking. *shiver*

This risk-taking thing hasn't brought many external changes yet, but it has brought on a radical internal shift. Instead of seeing fears as walls to be accepted and ignored, I see them as doors, locked (to be picked open) or just stuck (to be broken down). I'm much more aware of my opportunities, more appreciative. I like this new evolution.

please send me calming energy if you can, I need to get up early and I'm worried that I won't be able to sleep for fear of missing the appointment *is insane*

yesterday Hannah and I had this amazing conversation... We had never really talked about the stuff that happened during her visit, and somehow the topic came up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all of this pain which I had tried to explain away, but which of course had never really been dealt with. I felt so terrified and despairing, seeing all of these blocks between us that seemed impossible to remove. We discussed it and realized that one of the biggest hurts for me was caused by a misunderstanding: one simple word which we both understood to mean something completely different. Realizing this was such a huge relief, such a huge step towards closing the gap between us. Before this conversation, I was closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in planning to visit her; now I'm still taking a leap of faith, but I have opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of where I will land. I feel very encouraged and much more sure that this is the right choice.

Next time I'm clashing with someone, I very much hope I remember to check definitions -- language is such a clumsy thing. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

I have news.
big news.
very big news.

HUGE news.

Hannah and I are communicating again.

I'm still in shock really. We'd been on friendly terms since the breakup, but there was this huge wall of pain between us, and we didn't communicate in real time at all. Then a few days ago I just happened to sign in (after a long period of being anti-IM), saw Nick online, and poked him and told him to tell Hannah I love her. She was with him and responded, and we just started talking. It just flowed. Since then we've had two 4+ hour conversations and it's surreal and amazing and... wow. I haven't really processed it, so you'll probably see more on that later.

Even more amazing and insane? I'm going to visit her in a few months (depending on our tax return, positive thoughts/prayers for gazillions of money!) in Scotland! And I'm going to meet Kate, and visit Belgium, and meet Meliae! Holy crap. I've never been out of the country before (just got my passport application eek) so it is VERY SCARY and so exciting. Not to mention that we have... this... unsettledness between us. But whatever changes our friendship goes through, this will be a growing experience. I feel sure that it can't be as bad as the last visit, which was survivable and had amazing sparks of magic amongst all the thorns. Both of us are in a better place now. Plus, Nick will be there, and the energy between the three of us is just incredible.

And, this is the year of risk-taking.

I went to south GA, where I spent my early childhood, and met Nea! We went exploring in the woods (bridges through swampy areas, dark like old forests are) and came upon a semi-deserted strip mall. As we walked down the street I noticed a flyer saying Missy Higgins was coming to town in about two weeks, and we excitedly discussed the possibility of Nea coming back to town for the concert (I think I was offering to pay, or knew of a way it wouldn't be too expensive). We moved on from the teeeeeeeeeeeeny town and came upon a lake/pond where about 20 of Nea's friends were (!?!). We all got in the water, me naked of course -- cops came around but I managed to escape notice by putting my arms on top of my (cartoonishly) buoyant breasts and submerging myself. Then the cops left and we all got out of the water and lounged on the bank in a large circle, talking. One of her friends joked about the difference between male and female (something not-body-related), which pissed me off since I don't believe in that shit, but I kept my mouth shut. THEN he made some 'joke' about having sex with her, and I turned to her and said, "You better kick his ass! ... unless he was talking to someone else," because I realized he didn't specify who he was talking to and there were two other girls sitting next to Nea. (this whole dream happened at night, but it must have been a full moon because it was easy to see)

( Hannah and I spend lovely time, she leaves and doesn't know why, I talk to her about being disassociative, encourage grieving )

Many people understand the concept of 'best friend' as the person who is closer to you than anyone else, or the person whom you love more than anyone else. I have a concept of 'best friends' that I call soulfriendship. It goes a step beyond most 'best friends' relationships in that it is a conscious commitment with specific qualities, and it is not restricted to only one person. It does take a LOT of energy and I can't imagine having very many of them, but I have had two at once so I know it is possible.

Recently one of my soulfriendships ended -- not in the usual way of intimate relationships (fighting and fury), but by recognising that we were not in the right place in our lives to continue such a deep relationship. I think it is a testament to the beauty of soulfriendship that it can end gracefully, without severing the connection. I am still recovering from the loss, but I learned so incredibly much through the experience. I have refined the old definition to this:

• Love & Affection.
  To me, these are different aspects that go hand in hand. Love is the recognition that the other person has incalculable worth, which can never change -- it is seeing the sacred self in someone, and feeling the bond that connects us all. Affection is a positive feeling that the other person creates in you (and vice versa) by doing/saying positive things for/to you. Love starts the relationship; affection fuels it. (my in-depth post on the topic)
  
• Commitment.
  I used to call this aspect 'permanence' but have since realized it is more complex than that. I believe that two healthy people can overcome any obstacle -- but sometimes we are wounded by things we cannot control, and all of our best efforts are not enough. So this aspect I now call 'commitment' -- meaning that both people will do their absolute best to overcome obstacles that keep them from maintaining the soulfriendship. Sometimes one or both will not be able to do enough, but they will try with every resource they have until they can do no more. Also included in this is willingness to forgive; in an intimate relationship you will be hurt, and for commitment to have meaning it has to survive that hurt through forgiveness.
  
• Trust.
  I define trust as willing to take the risk of hurting or being hurt. It's a faith that the relationship will survive failings on the part of either person. It's the other half of commitment: the belief that not only are YOU committed, but the other person is also; not only will YOU forgive, but the other person will also.
  
• Honesty.
  I define honesty as a refusal to deceive. Honesty is answering any question with the truth (the whole truth, and nothing but the truth), without trying to hide anything. You don't have to phrase things rudely to tell the truth, but even with the gentlest phrasing, the truth may offend or hurt. Still, I believe that the kind of hurt the truth may bring is like the sting of disinfectant on a wound -- it hurts but does not damage, and is ultimately healing.
  
• Openness.
  Openness is the other half of honesty; it is the willingness to share truth. To be open is to offer yourself, to place your truth into the hands of those willing to receive instead of waiting for them to ask. We are such complex creatures that no one could ever learn us fully by asking questions -- we have to share of our own volition.
  
• Inclusion. (communication and decision-making)
  There's no set time on how much or how often you communicate, but it needs to be frequent enough that both people have a good understanding of what is going on in the other person's life. On the important decisions in your life, include the other person -- they know you so well and care so much that their advice is very valuable. Consider how your decisions affect them; in an intimate relationship, what helps them helps you and vice versa.
  
• Desire to Grow.
  This is absolutely necessary in a soulfriendship, though non-committed friendships can do fine without it. In a soulfriendship you are constantly balancing yourself against the other, constantly giving and receiving -- in constant flux. If you do not change, you will end up out of step with the other person, a gap that will only increase with time. If you backtrack you will end out of step even faster -- so the only way to stay connected is for both people to be growing, or changing positively. There are many ways to do this; counseling (I firmly believe that every single person in this broken world needs at least some mentor-type guidance), self-education, art, giving help to others, spiritual exploration... the important thing is that this aspect is never-ceasing. Sometimes you will only have energy for a small amount of growth, and sometimes the best way to grow is through a period of deliberate hibernation (with a limited time span), but it must be a conscious goal for soulfriendship to flourish.
  
• Unselfishness.
  I define this as the willingness to sacrifice your time, energy, and other resources in order to help the other person. Going out of your way, doing unpleasant or difficult things for the sake of the other person. It should be balanced between your resources and the other person's need; draining yourself can harm you and the relationship, but every once in a long while, it is necessary to pour yourself out for the other person. Then at another time ze will do the same for you.

myself and my former soulfriend Hannah;
I feel this illustrates soulfriendship perfectly.

LJ idol topic 7: "My Best Friend" ((going with this one! will add voting link thursday))

Some of you have probably figured out by now that my soulfriendship with Hannah is over. To put this into everyday terms, it is as devastating as divorce, because what we had was essentially a platonic marriage/partnership (you can read an outdated explanation of soulfriendship here).

I really don't know how to handle this. I feel like I'm in shock, even though it didn't happen suddenly at all. The relationship slowly died over the past year... I can't pinpoint where it stopped being a soulfriendship because I do believe that soulfriendship is supposed to weather times of distance and hardship -- but one person can't hold it up forever. ( ... )

When I became soulfriends with Hannah and experienced the full intensity of our spirit-connection, it was like I had discovered that faeries really do exist. I had a constant reminder -- a fae sitting on my shoulder, often singing or flitting about doing fae-like glittery things. But ze stopped singing so gradually I didn't notice, and slowly became more and more transparent until ze no longer existed. Now I wonder, was the fae (our spirit-connection) just in my imagination? I felt like I had PROOF that spirit connections existed, that magic was alive in the world, that people could create amazing intimate permanent relationships without the glue of sex or legality or even proximity. But now the faery is not here, and even hir glitter is gone. I can't even pull up the memory of that magic. And now I feel it is even harder to believe in spirit connections here on this earth, because I apparently can easily trick myself. (just to clarify, the faery is a metaphor for the connection between Hannah and I, not for either of our spirits)

Without my faith in spirit connection on earth, I feel like my life has lost its meaning. Right now I'm only here because Ben needs me -- he loves me, but that's not why I'm here. If he had someone else he could count on... He and I don't have a spirit connection; we are not alike at all. We have other things, but not that.

I don't want to live in a world where all the love I have to give isn't enough. I don't want to live in a world where I'm the only one who believes. I don't want to live in a world where the people I feel the deepest connections to don't believe in me or want to share their lives with me. I don't want to live in a world where the people I love decide that I do more harm than good and eliminate me from their lives. I don't want to live in a world where my strongest faith can be shattered. I don't want to live here.

and yet...

part of me desperately wants someone to come into my life and have that connection with me, and believe in it even more than I ever have, and hold me and comfort me and tell me that I make THEM believe in magic and love and spirit. Which I'm making impossible by losing that faith... but I most have some shreds of hope to even desire that, right? Right now I'm just holding on, surviving.

...Where I Stood by Missy Higgins...
Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you...

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all

( comments screened )

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner Nimajneb, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I miss:

-- the girl who glowed with such a sweetness that she made my fierceness feel like it had a purpose, protecting her.

-- the girl who listened to my every hurt and loved me unconditionally. Who hugged me even though she hated touching or being touched, because she knew I needed it. Who shared sacred parts of herself, and taught me so much in the process. Who taught me that God/dess is not a bundle of rules, but a person, a being made of love.

-- the girl who inspired me with her intensity, who celebrated her strangeness. Who filled my life with light just by being herself. Who intimidated me with her brilliance, and coaxed me out of my fear of self-expression by finding the brilliance in me. Who shared my excitement over my creations, no matter how undeveloped or unskilled. (night before last I dreamed that she came to me and said she wanted to be friends again ♥)

-- the family who taught me what family is, who accepted and loved me for who I was, right at that moment. Who encouraged me in selling my jewelry, believing in me and even offering help. Who understood that I had been taught lies and lovingly guided me out of my subconscious prejudice, without judging me.

-- the girl who showed me that I was not alone in the way I sense trees, who unintentionally validated something so important to me.

-- the group who let me see a created family, dissimilar people who banded together to create their own culture, rooted in love. Who accepted me as I am, and didn't make me feel like an outsider despite the lack of history I had with them (quite a feat!).

-- the girl who made me feel connected, loved in a way I had never been.

...Missing You by Jem...
I'll always be thankful for the time we had
We were blessed, I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories just make me fall apart

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- Nimajneb and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited Nimajneb and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

Right now, things are good with Hannah and I, but it has been a really hard battle -- it's like we have been tearing down walls that built themselves through distance and infrequent communication. We've had so many 'big conversations' this week -- really the same conversation, just digging into deeper levels each time. But the times between 'digging' are so magical, full of light and joy and laughter. We've taken so many insane videos *rolls eyes* (but because we are nudists most of them won't be hostable! ack!) and nearly 2,000 photos. (soon, my dears, sooooooon)

I've also been a terrible friend lately (including before Hannah got here), canceling plans with Kazi and Brian three times and canceling on SabR and Leslie too... I really feel dreadful about it. I abhor not keeping my word, and that's what I did... Kazi/Brian/SabR and I had a long chat about it a few nights ago and I think they're willing to forgive me but ugh, I can't get it out of my mind. And I hate that my various irrational fears have made it seem as if I don't want to see them, when I really deeply miss them. (and I wanted to meet Leslie) Also, FYI to LJ friends, please forgive my lack of commenting during the visit -- I'll still be reading but probably won't comment, and I may miss stuff. If there are any posts you'd especially like my input on, leave me the link and I will do my very best to respond as soon as possible.

I didn't realize how low on energy I am until this week -- things that would have been so easy for me are so hard now. Resting and connecting with Hannah helps, though, and I feel like my energy is slowly increasing.

because the icon and subject are depressed, but for the past day I've been happy:


(photo by Hannah)

life is beautiful ♥

so far we haven't kept many of our plans :-p but it's so delightfully nourishing just to be together. It's been so wonderful and exhausting (I had forgotten how we intensify each other!)... and the more we re-connect, the more magical everything becomes. *deep, contented sigh*

(have soooo many photos (and videos!) to post but must get Hannah & Ben's approval for ones with them. *makes faces*)

a moment to shriek with joy: I have a permanent account! Thank you soooooo much shioneh, clown_frog, rescoto, rosefox8, roina_arwen, broken_sodalite, spindell, lorelei_sakti, shadowlily, smurfb1ue, aubkabob, & wallbrat!!! And I bought it in the first 36 hours, so LJ donated $25 to RAINN out of the purchase. Out of YOUR donations really. :D

(skipping the first few days of Hannah's visit) We went out to see A Mighty Heart today (thoughts on that later), and as we left I noticed that Hannah was really quiet. I asked if she still wanted to go shopping and she said sure, so we headed over to the store. At one point I put my hand on her knee and she didn't respond at all, which is unusual, so instead of going straight to the store I pulled over into a nearby parking lot and asked her what was wrong.

She told me that she'd been feeling completely disconnected from me, and felt that I didn't care about her or the relationship, like I didn't even try to connect. After rambling for a bit (I felt that I had been trying my hardest, with the low amount of energy I have right now), I realized I had felt like she wasn't wanting to be communicative, and I felt like I had to just accept that. I had developed that mindset because for a while this year she wasn't able to connect with me, and there was nothing I could do about it, since I don't live in the same country. Even though that's not consciously something I would be okay with, I hadn't realized that I felt that way, so it hadn't changed. I also felt like I couldn't 'call her out' if I felt like she wasn't being open/honest, because I didn't want her to feel attacked. (and she felt that my lack of 'calling her out' was because I didn't truly care to hear her heart) So we talked about it a lot and she said that yes, she's sensitive, but it's okay for me to be direct, she appreciates that. And I changed the way I was thinking, and decided to operate in faith that she's okay with me challenging her. We both believe that's a big part of soulfriendship -- challenging each other to stretch and grow. This year hasn't been kind to us, nor to our relationship, but we're moving to the next stage.

Before that discussion, we'd been disconnected in such a way that I hardly even felt her presence -- since then, we re-opened our hearts to each other and I feel her presence -- the soothing, loving touch of her spirit brushing with mine. It's amazing... I just want to curl