These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

A few weeks ago I rearranged our bedroom, turning it from a place I hated to a place I love! Ben is much happier too -- now it feels like we have two rooms instead of only the living room. I created a photo-tour of my bedroom, because a video would require clothing due to the mirrors. And this is easier!

( photo-tour of my bedroom )

And now I shriek with joy because OMG PRESENTS!!!! From Kate (clown_frog) and Firekat (kmiotutsie)!!! Kate sent me a glitter bar (YAY!!!! glitter-wearing is so magical ♥), giant purple bath-fizzy ball, HENNA kit (can't wait to try it!), a bunch of stick-on wooden ladybugs (ladybugs always remind me of my childhood, I remember seeing a family of them in the bark of a tree and being absolutely delighted), cinnamon votives (that REALLY SMELL LIKE CINNAMON OMG, and strong too!!! I am going to use them in my sanctuary ♥ ♥ ♥), and best of all, a clear violet glass perfume vial. It is so incredibly delicate and wonder-of-all-wonders, made it here perfectly intact! All the way from Scotland! And that is magic from God/dess if I have ever seen it.

( the delicate violet-tinted vial! )

And from Firekat!!! A Mercedes Lackey book (a staple of fantasy reading, whom I've never tried!), Inga Muscio's Cunt (borrowed and read most of it, now yay I can finish it! plus who wouldn't want Cunt on her shelf?), a GORGEOUS mini-journal with handmade paper and a vivid-violet & burgandy cover, three lovely deep purple agate slices, and... a violet and emerald translucent glass gazing ball!!! also completely undamaged! I am soooooo loved!!! Firekat said she prayed that it would get here safely, and it's perfect. ♥ I'm awed!

( the violet & emerald glass ball! )

Life has been stressssss-FUL lately. Mainly financial stuff... Ben and I were counting on him being promoted into management now, and it didn't happen. Two less-qualified people were promoted over him, a black man and a white woman, and he feels sure it was because of political reasons (race/sex quotas). (He knows the two people: their history, temperament, and qualifications) He spoke with his manager and his manager gave the impression that he agreed. Ben was pretty irritated about it... but I feel that sometimes injustice is the only way to make up for injustice. I would probably be more upset if it was ME who got left behind, because I'd feel hurt that my managers didn't make it happen for me, but as it is, I'm okay with it. I am definitely feeling the pinch of this, and it's not right -- but I feel it is necessary. This one time, those two people may have been favored, but usually, they will have to deal with a hell of a lot more oppression and discrimination than Ben (and myself, as his dependent) will. It shouldn't have happened, especially not to Ben because he was absolutely the best person for the position, but if it tips the scales a little bit more toward equality, I think it's a necessary wrong. Dunno how long my stance on that would hold if it happened over and over though, heh.

I am upset over not having money though. I have a veryvery late birthday present for 'Kenzie that has been sitting here and I haven't had the money to send it off, and then Hannah, Kate, Meliae's birthdays went by and I couldn't get anything :-( And then there is the stress of bills hanging over our heads, and the car desperately needs repair... and I need to spend time with Hannah, not want, NEED. I'm not willing to go back to Wal-Mart, and with sharing one car that we can't drive any more than absolutely necessary, getting a job elsewhere is not realistic. We're hoping that Ben gets this other position that just opened up, but he hasn't been interviewed yet so that is up in the air. He said he'd enjoy that one a lot more than the other so we're reeeeeeeeeeally hoping... otherwise we have to scrape by until April when the next management opening comes up. So please pray or send positive energy his way about that, it would make our lives so incredibly much better.

The financial stuff has the effect of leaving me housebound, which is a rather depressing thing for me, especially since I REALLY want to spend time with SabR and Kazi... but I've had positivity come into my life in the form of my friends. Last week my monitor turned very greenish (thank you Murphy), and I told Kazi about it, who told Brian, who drove allllll the way over to give me his extra monitor AND look at my car. I was so happy that he went out of his way for me like that. AND I got my birthday present from Kate!!! I will save describing it for when I have photos but lemme tell you, I am just THRILLED!!!

( ashley/lily stuff )

I don't do 'resolutions.' That's just a fancy word for 'rules' and I'm not into imposing rules on myself. I think the reason so many 'resolutions' fail is that it is human nature to hate being boxed in with rules, self-imposed or not.

but goals? hell yeah I have goals. Things I want to do this year:

• become more of my true self
  
• learn more love and compassion
  
• grow closer to God/dess ♥
  
• learn to listen to my spirit and FOLLOW MY INSTINCTS!!!
  
• further develop my soulfriendships with Nimajneb and Hannah
  
• be more active in changing the world: leave 'you are beautiful' notes, smile more at people, strike up conversation with more strangers, flaunt my body hair, wear curvy-pride shirts and figure-hugging outfits.
  
• create more; making jewelry, painting, drawing, modeling, photographing (! and add a deliberate 'flaw' to remind me that 'flaws' are beautiful!)
  
• post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, without worrying that I am going to flood my friends page and my favorite post of the bunch will be ignored. I know that isn't true, and if it is, it's not a good enough reason.
  
• spend more time and effort communicating with my lovely friends; commenting back, commenting on their posts, IMing, and calling. Not any ritual amount, but following instincts instead of being so O-C about doing it 'in order.'
  
• go to Glasgow and meet clown_frog and maybe kashlamar! and of course spend a lot of delighted time with my beautiful soulfriend shioneh!!!
  
• have shioneh and die_fiend come down, hopefully during RenFest season!!! and hopefully have my firekat (kmiotutsie) come down too! *dreams* This must happen. *is firm with the universe, shakes finger for emphasis*
  
• spend more time with sabr and malignlibra
  
• meet more of my lj friends! there are a ton I want to meet, we'll see who I actually manage to make plans with. ;-) at the very least, I must meet kmiotutsie and sunshinepill.
  
• find at least a handful of new amazing people to mutually adore. (and hopefully some who are Aquarius!)
  
• set firm plans for International Women's Day next year (post to come about that!)
  
• dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.
  
• get at least one tattoo!
  
• find more of my meaningful rings.
  
• dye my hair purple, like I have ALWAYS WANTED.
  
• help my little sister get the courage to do what she needs to do.
  
• tell my parents I'm 'bisexual' and be officially disowned (after I figure out whether or not they will keep me from talking to little sis, she is more important than me getting the satisfaction of never having to talk to my dad again)
  
• go skinnydipping at least once!
  
• go to at least one concert!
  
• have at least three photoshoots.
  
• do at least three self-portrait shoots (hopefully a lot more, but I gotta get some better lighting)
  
• Self-educate: read 88 books this year; keep a running list of them, and post an update every eight books, with a SHORT summary.

  0 / 88 (0.0%)

A few days ago I also got a chance to talk to my kit-kat (kmiotutsie) for the first time on the phone! that was pretty incredible, especially since I was feeling SO terrible and she's got this matter-of-fact way of validating my feelings. I probably was barely coherent, I was so crushed and confused at that point... but she didn't get impatient with me and seemed to understand and even relate to a lot of it. She's so fabulous. We talked for over an hour! Which is unusual for me on the phone (gtalk is different) -- I usually get impatient, I don't like having my hands tied up holding the phone. But it was just so good to be able to pour out my heart to someone. And she has the most wonderful voice! like a perfect balance between deep and light, it suits her SO perfectly.

and then Friday night I had a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong conversation with shioneh -- over 8 hours! I'm pretty sure that is the longest phone conversation I've ever had -- thank God/dess for gtalk making it free! Afterwards I felt so much lighter and more free, inspired and more able to believe in the beauty of life. One of the things we like to do while talking is surf devArt and send links to each other of what we find inspiring, and talk back and forth about what appeals to us about a piece. It's soooo fun to me, because when it comes to art, we speak exactly the same dialect. I feel like I appreciate a work more when I can articulate it, and it's only fun to articulate it to someone who understands. ♥ (If you have an account, be sure to check out my favorites because they're incredible!) We also talked a lot about our experiences together when she was here, and fiiiiiiiiiiinally processed it a little bit. I think that's part of why I feel so relieved -- I had some things floating in my subconscious and I needed to talk to her to really understand them. I told her that talking to her always lifted my spirits, even if she was in low spirits herself, and she asked why, which made me think. I realized that some people drain me, and some energize me, just by how they align (or disalign) with my being. With Hannah, our spirits are so alike that we reflect each other's energy, and it seems to just bounce back and forth between us and get magnified.

also talked to kate (clown_frog)! for the first time also, on gtalk! That was fantastic too -- I've 'known' her for over 2 years now and we've had lots of conversation, but never in real time. Next time I hope we can talk out loud, I'm so curious as to what she sounds like! It was lovely to connect in a new way.

and I've been talking to 'kenzie (sunshinepill) a lot! Which is also great because she had some insights to share with me that were really comforting, and she's just a fun person to talk to. Talking about culture, relationships, sexuality -- all fascinating to me.

If you have google talk, gimmie your screenname since I have apparently come out of my non-IMing shell. ;-) I dislike all the other messengers though.

and now a mega-belated appreciation post! in random order because I don't remember whose arrived when:

( gorgeous purple silk shoulder bag with shimmery embroidered flowers )
valynn send me this utterly gorgeous bag. It's impossible to photograph correctly, but it's sooooooo beautiful. I immediately started using it when I got it, and I smile and think of Valynn every time I use it. Oh! And she sent it in a purple envelope! ;-D Thank you soooooo much Valynn, it was so very thoughtful. ♥

( Heather Nova CD from Nisha! )invisibleglue sent me this CD, and I promptly listened to the entire thing (re-listening right now). It's more folksy than I usually like, but I really like Heather's voice and turn of phrase (I will be your misfit queen) and I feel just honored that Nisha shared her with me. ♥

( 2 lovely bookmarks, a sparkly dragonfly pin, and a purple etched shell )darkpool send me these two bookmarks (which I had to take out of my two current reads to photograph) which are both so beautiful and so me. The spring green of the butterfly one is a color that means a lot to me, and the celestial patterns of the other one are just so intricate, and appeal to my love of night. The dragonfly is elegant and stylized without losing it's fierceness, and the shell just holds so much mystery to me. Anything oceanic calls to me... I used to daydream of being able to breathe underwater, living in the ocean. Thank you so much for all the thought and love you put into this present, Kyra. ♥

( a thick book and artwork from Kate! )clown_frog blew. me. away. with this amazing Christmas/birthday present. That portrait of me? She painted it. Yeah! And then sent me the original (it's miniature, about 4x5 inches or 10x13cm) The original!!!! The colors are actually more vivid, but I had to take a photo since I don't yet have a working scanner. What really gets me are the eyes... she captured the true color of my eyes without ever seeing them in person. I love this painting so much, I think it is my most treasured material possession. AND she sent a thick book (which I have not yet read because I am simply glutted with reading material lately, I'm in the middle of about 6 books right now) ANDANDAND!!!!! She made a video of herself telling me happy birthday and talking a little and OMG she is so darn cute and I feel soooooooooooooooo special because she's so shy that that was quite a gift! *hugs the floppy* Kate, you are an absolute darling and I adore you! ♥ ♥ ♥ I so can't wait to meet you. ;-)

( a shower of presents from my hannah-love! )shioneh put so much positivity into this package. ;-) The butterfly in the middle was wound up inside the card and flew out, showering me with glitter, when I opened it! I shrieked and then giggled delightedly, of course. And stickers and a gorgeous faery card (filled with glitter and confetti of course) and a fae promise, and the beautiful journal filled with hannah-energy and embossed with a silver dragonfly, which is sort of the 'totem' (forgive me if I misuse the word) of both of us. I am intimidated by that journal though, because it is just so special that I can't bring myself to mark in it... but I will. It meant a lot to hannah and she chose to give it to me, which I view as a very sweet sacrifice which I will not waste. (and dammit I forgot to include the awesome bracelet hannah made me! I will have to photograph it soon)
( the garnet-winged fae and faery box )But my favorite of her gifts is the faery pendant. ♥ hannah has one just like it, which makes me feel connected to her every time I wear my fae. I named her Shylana, and I wear her on a silver chain that drops her right above my heart. I wear her on days when I need to feel connected and strong and full of feminine creative magic. (red is, to me, the color of female power) She made the long trip from Belgium to Georgia in the little green box with a glow-in-the-dark fae on the top. I told hannah of my fascination with glow-in-the-dark things and she remembered and found this little treasure for me. ♥ ♥ ♥ hannah, you shine such a light in my life. ♥

( my updated postcard wall -- no longer all stiff and ordered! with Kate's painting framed in the center )although it's already outdated because I got Nisha's lovely postcard today (thank you lovely!), but my 'rechargable' (hah!) batteries are teh dead so I shall have to take another pic soon. I still have the dreamcatcher Anika made me hanging in my corner... it speaks of love and generosity to me. The friendship may be over, but I no longer feel any anguish over that, and all the good is still cherished in my heart. (I did take the postcard down though -- that one from her city is from someone else. I have limited postcard space and some of you *looks out sternly* still owe me postcards!)
( my desk with all its reminders of love )

I feel like I'm forgetting something important... if you sent me something and I didn't mention it, I know it meant a lot to me but my brain is quite scrambled right now.

I've been thinking a lot about friendships... Allison and Rebecca and Kaylene and Ashley and Anika and Hannah and Kate and Aubrey... all running through my head. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to process... I'm feeling like giving up on some people (though I really don't think I am capable of that) -- not you who are currently part of my life, but...

Kaylene, whom I just... I don't know. She emailed me the day that Anika arrived on her visit, so I didn't really have a chance to think about it. She told me the very basic facts of her life now -- and she has obviously come so far! -- and I am happy for her, but my insecurity kicks in and says, "she doesn't want to rebuild anything, you never meant as much to her as she did to you, you were stupid to love her so much." And the other part of me says "love is never a waste, and the time you had with her is sacred and can never be taken away, and if you really want to reconnect, why the FUCK haven't you emailed her back?" And my other OTHER self, the one that makes decisions, is confused and says nothing.

Rebecca. My best friend for five years, my whole world, the one I would have suffered ANYTHING for, the one who I poured my soul into and trusted completely, the one who I thought I would be soul-bonded with forever... we never talk. She hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid yet, and I don't think she is going to. I totally understand that, since we aren't close or even friends really, but I thought that if she ever got married (which she insisted she wouldn't) I'd be her maid of honor (though even then I wondered if she'd choose elya over me). It hurts to be left out, even at this point. Especially since I asked her to be mine, purely out of honor for the friendship that we used to have (we weren't any closer 2 years ago than we are now, probably less, actually). I don't know what I want with her... I don't even know who she is now. For no good reason, I feel betrayed and hurt. And yes, it does bother me that (from what I have heard) she suggested that I stay with Ashley on Rebecca's wedding day (because for a while they planned on the same day, until Ashley moved hers). I suppose I don't really deserve to be treated any differently, but it still bothers me. I'm so disposable.

Allison is busybusybusy... I understand that she has to concentrate on organizing her life and plans for the future, but knowing that doesn't make me any less lonely... Anika is busybusybusy too, with school and husband and rebuilding self... Ashley's busy, Kate doesn't have internet, Aubrey's busy, Hannah lives an ocean away and is usually busy but made time for me this week ♥ ♥ ♥ thank you lovely ♥... There are so many wonderful people in my life but no one has time to invest in me. I take that back -- some of you DO invest in me and I love you so much for it, but I want more, I want conversations and (if physically possible) cuddles and outings. I'm so lonely.

I have been investing a LOT in Ben this week... I'd list it but then I'd feel stupid because it wouldn't look like a lot, but it WAS because it was stuff that I don't really like to do that means a lot to him. But he wants me to be excited about him, and I just can't, when he's all stressed and thus distant and scary-irritable. And I'm afraid that he's going to be all upset that I wrote that in here but I'm so tired of keeping it all to myself. Sometimes he's not perfect, dammit, and I ought to be able to admit that. He does try, and that is the important thing, but it doesn't always make me feel better. And I need more. I need understanding and sweet touches and I need him not to dump his worries on me. Share? yes; dump? no. There is a difference. And he says that one of his favorite things about me is that I don't go telling others about his mistakes, but I'm tired tired tired of that! I hate keeping secrets and it's either talk about only the strife that's my fault or don't talk about it at all and I'm tired of listing my faults and I'm tired of keeping silent about the thing that my life revolves around. And this is starting to get stream-of-consciousness and run-on so I should stop now before I write a million more words.

Happy Birthday, clown_frog!!!

You are one of my favorite people. You're always making me laugh when you don't mean to, just because of your inherent cuteness! And you're a deep thinker -- many of your posts bend my mind delightfully and spark new ideas. But of course, the main reason I adore you is because you always seem to understand exactly what I'm trying to say, even when I'm not being very coherent. And you feel certain things the way I do, and the way most people don't (thoughts on nature and mass-production). And you're just such a delightfully unique person, quiet but passionate, reserved but not closed-off.

(your b-day present's going to be dreadfully late, I'm afraid, but I finally had some good ideas!) (yeah, I know the post's late too, sorry, I wasn't on LJ allllll daaaaaay)

I feel incredibly ambivalent about yesterday's post. The first group of responses really surprised me -- I didn't think people would get offended by it, as some seemed to be. The second half made me happy.

Just to clarify -- there is only one person in my life right now that I am ready to offer soul-friendship to, and I'm not sure if she is or not yet, and she's not someone I know purely through LJ. So if you felt that I wanted you to make that kind of commitment to me right now, don't worry, I'm not asking. I don't feel that I have bonded with any of you sufficiently to offer that yet. I think I'd have to meet you in person first, just because I'd need that solidity.

Soul friendships can end, because they are a process for most people, and sometimes one person gets so uncomfortable with that process that they end it, through withdrawing or storming out.

I have had them before, and yes, with each one I asked them to.

My best friend (for years, but no longer) and I had that when I was merely 15... it ended after four years because I discovered that she'd been wearing a mask, unbeknownst to both of us; she wasn't comfortable being nakedly honest with herself and me, which made me no longer comfortable being that with her. Before then though, she was the only person who had never ever judged me, and I will always remember that. That friendship taught me so much... I'm forever grateful to God for setting it up and to Rebecca for living it with me and loving me.

Ben and I began our soul-friendship three years ago. Because his love is so incredible, he stuck through the process (which I had begun to learn with Rebecca and finished learning with Ben), and I think he is now one of the rare ones who is able to give soul-friendship. He's much more cautious than I though. My soul-friendship with Ben taught me to forgive -- not because he did anything really bad, but just because I had never forgiven the right way before. I'd always forgiven begrudgingly, with a string still attached so I could snatch up the grievance if I needed ammo in a fight. I realized I didn't want to do that with Ben, I didn't want to store things in my heart that did nothing but hurt me and him. So I tried forgiving freely, and lo and behold, it demolished a little of my pride and left me vulnerable, but it felt SO damn good, and it wasn't really that hard. When you trust someone, it isn't that hard to forgive them because you don't need to be able to inflict guilt on them. You can just let it go.

I had it for a few short months with my beloved Kaylene -- you have no idea how much I love that girl. The process of trusting, plus a ton of horribly stressful life happenings, caused her to slip out of my life. Yes, it hurt like hell when she left, but since I had learned how to forgive, and because I knew that she left out of fear, not lack of love, I didn't hold a grudge against her. That amazes me really, because it would have demolished me a few years ago and I'd have hated her and never wanted to see her again... now though, I treasure those months when she was my spirit-sister, and I look forward to the time (that I firmly believe will come) when she will be ready. She's such an incredible person, so passionate and just fascinatingly beautiful on the inside. Oh, and when I asked her (I was so nervous I felt like I was asking her to marry me), she said yes, and that she had been considering asking me that but hadn't had the guts. (haha, I just realized that makes me more gutsy than Kaylene! (in one way, anyhow) I'm impressed!)

--------

On a completely unrelated note, my present from clown_frog came in the mail today!!!!!!!! YAY!!! And she wrapped it all pretty in purple, starred paper. (stars are my favorite shape, btw, and I dot my i's with them) It's a geode with a nearly-vivid-violet layer and lavender sparkly crystals on the inside... I'm putting it on my beading desk right in the middle, for inspiration. Thank you, wonderful girl!

And yesterday I got my Massive Attack cd "100th Window" (a present from Ben) in the mail; I've been listening to it nearly non-stop. Last night I set up candles in the bathroom and took a long, long shower, washing my hair and dancing in the water to the sounds of acid jazz. There's nothing sexier than that -- I felt so me (yet tenuously so; the door was locked).